To be free once more . . .

via Today’s Daily Prompt: Release

I am the wilderness, locked in a cage.

I am a tree reaching for the sun, please don’t hold me down.

I am a rolling wave without the motion.

I am an asphalt flower breaking free.

I am the fire burning desperately but you’re controlling me,

Release me.

Release me.


Legit, I thought of this song when I saw the word chosen for today’s daily prompt. It took me a few moments to remember who it was by and to find the right video, but I did it and I have about 8 minutes left to tell you about everything that’s been happening.

First, I’m only allowed 4 hours, at the moment, per day of Internet time. I know, scary, right? 😉

Second, I have a shit ton of journaling posts that I’ll be uploading over the course of the next month, likely, and then continuing each day from then on.

Third, I’ve been MIA because I’ve legit been in the hospital for an entire month.

You read that right.

An entire MONTH.

I got hospitalized for the tenth time on September 18th 2017 and I just got out today, October 20th 2017.

Mocha is officially a DOGGO. She’s so big now you guys! And tall!!

I’ve been keeping a journal, and writing articles (of course!) four actually that I will be working on uploading and submitting soon.

I got a change of meds and because of money will be changing them again.

I got ECT (six rounds of it).

I did some shit while I was inside. (Not good stuff).

I made lots of new things.

And overall, I’m a lot better than what and where I was before (most of which I can’t recall, anyways).

As you will come to see in my articles–I have been released from the confinements within my skull. The world is an exciting place for adventure and fun. I look forward to what tomorrow holds.

 

Stay safe, my dear, dear friends. ❤ ❤ ❤

 

PS I would put this into the mental health song a day challenge but I can’t actually remember what that pattern and scheme looked like. 😉

Crying for Help | Article

IMG_3205 CfH thumb

Photography and article by Raquel Lyons

Trigger Warning: Explicit mention of suicide

 

You may have heard the term “cry for help” before or maybe that is your first time seeing it. The phrase means to essentially cry out vocally, face to face, or through written form, such as on social media or via paper left in a visible area that an individual is threatening to take their own life.

 

All threats of suicide should be taken seriously. Whether they are posted on the Internet or joked about in person, neither location should be treated any differently.

 

In many ways, this article goes hand in hand with my “Attention Seeking?” piece. We cannot tell when a threat of suicide is genuine versus disingenuous. That is not our call to make as civilians or bystanders, not as friends or family members either. We can gather information from the individual and deliver them to the hands of mental health and crisis intervention professionals who will run their own assessment of the individual’s unique situation and decide from there what appropriate action needs to be taken.

 

It may come as no surprise, from my previous article’s standpoint, that I often engage in cries for help myself. Twitter has become my newest place for doing so. If I am in crisis I am going to go to Twitter to voice my emotions, my thoughts and my behaviors. My WordPress blog is no longer a place I can do that at because my parents read through it. Instead, I’ve taken to another Internet location to make my cries heard…if they ever do get heard.

 

You see, the Internet, just as in real life moments before you follow through on your suicidality, is not the greatest place to cry out for help.

 

Yes, *maybe* someone will see the post, *maybe* someone will intervene, or maybe, just maybe, someone won’t.

 

And if they do not, that is in *no* way a reflection of their care for you, their love for you or the worthiness you sustain just by being you and being alive.

 

Maybe they haven’t seen the tweet yet, maybe they missed your Facebook post in their feed, maybe they’re not on their phone, or maybe they got caught up in some work related matter. That does *not* mean that they do not care about you or for you or that you matter any less to them.

 

Maybe the person walking by you in public doesn’t know what to do in that situation; maybe they’re so busy in their own minds that they don’t even realize a situation is taking place. Maybe that friend or that stranger is afraid to ask what you mean when you’re joking about suicide because they’re afraid it’s going to put an idea in your head (it doesn’t) or that they don’t feel comfortable having such an open and vulnerable conversation with you.

 

There are so many factors involved, you see, there is no one reason for a completed suicide or a suicide being threatened.

 

To me, crying for help means I want someone to intervene. I want someone to notice me. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to know that I’m not okay. I want someone to know where I’m at and how far I’m willing to go to show that I matter.

 

Crying for help to me means wanting someone to talk me out of suicide. Crying for help means someone calling my brain out on its BS and reminding me of the life I have yet to live, the things I have yet to accomplish and the happiness buckets I have yet to fill.

 

I struggle often with the confliction between wanting to stand on the edge and have it be public so as to heighten my chances of someone intervening, and to stand on the edge for no one to be around so that I lessen my chances of someone intervening. I want intervention and yet I want people to just walk away.

 

I threaten suicide, a lot. I cry for help, a lot. And I will also act on the suicidal thoughts. I do *not* believe that my suicide attempts were a cry for help. All of my suicide attempts, though misguided by far, were genuine. I thought they might kill me, if the universe “aligned” in a particular way. They didn’t, and here’s hoping they never do.

 

But I can’t say that I won’t try again, somewhere down the road. I can hold onto the hope that if no one else will be there for me, than I will be there for me. That I can and will advocate for myself, and get myself the help I both need and deserve. And if staying safe means hospitalization, so be it.

 

Please, stay safe.

 

And if you are struggling with suicidal ideation, know that you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1800 273 8255, the Counseling Center at Quinn 2nd floor past general medicine, and at their 24/7 crisis line at XX. You are worthy of this life, please keep fighting.


Written 9.16/2017

I don’t have much to say about this other than I’m going to be making my good news post soon and working today on other articles. 🙂

I’ll have a better life update (like a more proper one) soon, too.

Thank you for reading!! ❤ ❤ ❤

PS This may have a photo attached to it later, hence why I haven’t added the article thumb to this piece. Unless I come up with another one. Maybe I’ll do the thumb anyways. Ahaha.

Attention Seeking? | Article

Articles THUMB

Trigger Warning: Mention of suicide, self-harm.

When I think of attention nowadays, the first thought that pops into my mind is Charlie Puth singing “you just want attention” from his appropriately titled song “Attention.”

 

Attention is defined, by Google, as the notice of someone or something and the regarding of someone or something as interesting or important. Attention seeking, similarly, is described as intending to make people notice.

 

Now, we all seek attention in healthy ways in our lives: that Facebook post about your cute dog, saying hello to someone you pass in the hallway, and so on. Sometimes though, seeking attention can come at an unhealthy cost such as deviant behavior that endangers your life or the lives around you, vandalism and other such examples.

 

I don’t believe the problem of attention seeking is innately a problem on whether it’s “good” or “bad”, I think it just is what it is. And when it does become problematic, then that’s a time to reconsider how a person is handling their life’s situation and how they can redefine how they seek out attention.

 

Attention seeking is a particularly delicate and complicated subject matter in the realm of mental health. The misinformed general public, and even some people who struggle with mental health conditions, see attention seeking as “bad” and act dismissive towards another individual whom is engaging in such behavior.

 

For this, I disagree. If someone is self-harming for attention that is still as serious and concerning as someone who is self-harming as a way to cope in a maladaptive manner with their mood changes, just as one example. More people than not have ways to cope adaptively with their mood changes and do not resort to self-harming, so the idea that someone would engage in self-harm for attention is still out of the norm and concerning.

 

I also believe attention seeking gets a bad reputation because misinformed or ignorant people about the topic of mental health will insinuate attention seeking as an insult. Again, I do not believe attention seeking can be split up so dichotomously to either “all good” or “all bad” and I don’t think attention seeking is as simple as the general public likes to pinpoint it as. I think there are many avenues towards attention seeking and there may be some aspects of it often involved, even in the smallest increments, with a person’s behavior.

 

As someone very openly involved in mental health advocacy and lived experience with mental health conditions this viewpoint of mine on attention seeking behaviors may either come as a surprise or understandable. If it is a surprise, it won’t be for long, because there are times where I, in particular, engage in maladaptive behaviors in order to seek attention.

 

I would say that my attention seeking, when I *do* do it, accounts for only about two to five percent of my behavior. Although, it is ironic that I say that as though I have to justify my own attention seeking as though admitting to it is insulting or demeaning to others in case my experience reflects or does not reflect my genuine issues of harm and emotional pain. By this, I mean to say that attention seeking behaviors are often considered to be disingenuous from more genuine suicidal or self-harming intent. Again, this places attention seeking behavior into the category of “not serious” and more easily dismissed, which I disagree with.

 

I believe that my attention seeking inherently comes from the core belief that I do not want to die by suicide or harm myself. Back when the issue was simply Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I was told that recovery is possible, that there is hope and that the crises, though incredibly painful, would not last forever. It is this hope and the help I got early on that has shaped how open I have become about my struggles and, in a way, how I seek some more adaptive attention such as writing these articles.

 

My therapist recently told me that I can receive attention for when I’m doing well, rather than just when I’m unwell. And, that’s very true. In fact, the attention I receive when I’m doing well, when people are recognizing my strengths, feels much better and much more satisfying than when I’m being noticed for the struggles that I’m facing.

 

Besides, my brain always offers the BS logic that feeling unwell is so “great” and “awesome” and “I enjoy it so much” but when it actually rolls around, it’s everything opposite. Some of what I covered here in this article actually contributes in part to the phrase crying out for help, which I will be discussing next. Until then, stay safe.


Written 9.8, 9.11, 9.16/2017.

Fast approaching newer articles to be submitted, which goes along with the good news I’ve still managed to refrain from telling you all about (I’ll correct that soon). This is one of the newer ones. I just finished up writing and editing it yesterday 🙂 I think it could be interesting to add to the discussion of mental health. :B

That’s about it! 🙂 Hope you get something out of it!

In Which I’m Falling Asleep

Hello all!

I have some AMAZING and AWESOME and BADASS news, but I am SO exhuasted that I can’t even spell or remember which past or passed to use in an email. So, I shall wait until tomorrow where hopefully I am better rested to explain my good news.

School is going swell, still a bit behind on schoolwork already but I have even more incentive now to stay ahead and on top of it.

Today turned into one of those amazing days where I just wanted to relive it over and over and never have it end. It didn’t start that way (I fell asleep at 1:30a and only got 5 hours of sleep as opposed to my usual 9 hours) but it turned into that.

I will update more tomorrow, just wanted to set this aside as a small update for now. 🙂

Hope you’re well and staying safe!!

Starting Anew

At least with a new semester.

I don’t feel as ready for it as I did back in the end of July. I wish by all mighty I could go back to how I was feeling then and how ready I felt to tackle the semester. ‘Cause now I’m just concerned and dreading it and not looking forward to getting easily overwhelmed.

My back is sore and tired and I’m ready for sleep for that if nothing else. No guarantees that I’ll actually fall asleep right away. My backpack is already HEAVY like rocks which sucks. Maybe I should reconsider getting a locker or something lol. I’m already feeling swamped with some responsibilities and I dread doing badly health wise and inevitably that trickling into school wise. I’m not even sure I’ll wake up tomorrow morning! :S Kinda hoping I have another nightmare as I did last night ’cause it woke me up at 5:34am.

At the same time I’d rather not have to deal with those repercussions. I’m hoping some artwork will hit me for tomorrow.

I did walk with my dad and Mocha today which was nice although I’m almost certain is accounting for my soreness.

I’ve been doing poorly at nighttime lately since Saturday evening. I called a crisis line on Sunday, two actually and that helped a lot. I called another again today and my mom had to remove all the knives from the area. You get the picture, there.

I hope tomorrow is kinder, better, nicer.

I will update as soon as I am able, once I’ve finished schoolwork.

Good night, peeps.

Stay safe. ❤ ❤ ❤

Letting Go Of Everything Holding You Back | Poem

*Trigger Warning* Mentions of suicide.

Letting Go Of Everything Holding You Back by Raquel Lyons

You can have all the gifts and love in the world,

And it still doesn’t stop the demons in your head

From coming out to play.

 

You enter the foyer of the home,

Arms crossed over your bare blue shirt,

And you look out into the blue sky,

Where the stars twinkle their hello’s and goodbye’s

Under the blanket of invisibility.

 

You stay there for a moment,

Idling,

As you consider your past experiences.

 

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed they say,

The past is a memory,

The future can be planned for,

But this moment is all we have,

And tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

 

You squawk at the notion,

How very fitting it would be.

 

You can’t plan for the future with the demons

Inside your mind,

And you can stop tomorrow from ever coming,

With the swish of your wrist and the angle

Of your brush.

 

You could end the sentence here,

But rather, you’d like to fill it with a comma

 

A pause.

 

That’s all that’s needed.

 

A pause from hell, from life, from these two places

Being one in the same.

 

You just need a moment,

To gather your wits,

To exemplify your needs,

To think,

To breathe.

 

Even if you don’t want to.

 

So you pause there,

When you’re blowing out your birthday candles

And part of you is screaming inside to die,

You pause.

 

You think,

You consider.

 

And you walk away.

Because life is hell,

And death is not freedom.

 

It’s just the lie your brain tells you,

Even when you’re certain you believe it.

 

You pick up your bag,

And your art supplies jingle,

And you pray for the strength to make it

Through another day.

 

Because you’re worth it.

Because you matter.

Because you’ve got the strength in you to

Live this life,

Otherwise, you wouldn’t have been given it.

 

So you walk away.

And you keep walking, until your tears

Melt in the snow,

And you call someone that takes your breath away.

 

And speaking to them feels like gold glitter is

Spreading throughout your soul,

And laughing with them makes the pain ebb away

Just a little further,

And because leaving them without your spirit,

Breaks you more inside than you care to admit.

 

So you walk, and walk, and walk,

No longer alone,

Together, instead, with all the other fighting souls in this universe.


Here is a poem I wrote for my deviantART account and inspired in part by Josh Woodward’s Letting Go song (the title), Logic’s 1800 song (tears melt in the snow and throughout the piece with hope) and a tweet I made this morning (first stanza).

Thank you for reading!! ❤ ❤ ❤

I was going to write another one but then the Muse went pooooof! Now it’s time for bed. ❤

In which I’m trying not to write a blog post

But it just feels SO WEIRD to not do it. I kinda just want to make a post about how I don’t want or need or have to but want to write a blog post.

Today’s been good! I just finished up a sketch of a new piece. It’s this:

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I see it’s still a bit blurry. I will get a better photo on my camera, probably tomorrow. Before I color it for sure.

It’s a conceptual piece. It’s meant to be a self-portrait of myself and the background is all text messages from a good friend of mine that has given me advice during my crises over the last year. 🙂 It’s going to have the girl in color and the text will be black and then the background will be colored too.

I also have this sketch:

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Which is meant to be my friend and myself with a bright light above us as a friendship piece because reasons. 😀 He came out looking like my brother and a bit creepy (it’s the smile, I swear) but I’m hoping when it’s colored it’ll do. XD

I’m going to try and read a little of a textbook before bed tonight. I also started working on a letter for my friend Ez, and gotta work on another for Amanda.

I reorganized my desk! And packed more for school. 🙂

That’s about it! I shall probably see you again tomorrow. XD Lmao

 

Night peeps!!!

End of August | #WWRRM

It’s the end of August. In the last couple of weeks WWRRM didn’t live up to my expectations. I still have some posts I want to do for it that will leak into September, and I guess I’m going to come to terms with that in my own way and be okay with it.

I daily blogged since July 5th though, that’s hella impressive to me. August had its bumps and valleys and I made it out alive. That’s what counts.

I’m tired now, it’s almost 10p and I’m listening to this creepypasta:

I’m probably gonna fall asleep to it and have to re-listen to it again tomorrow while I reorganize my room more. ;Cause I want to hear it but I also have to go to sleep early, too.

I could say more, but I’ll wait until later to do so.

Can’t wait to just blog about random shit again. It’s going to be REALLY WEIRD to not daily blog, but my plan is to blog 3-4x/week so that should still be good.

Goooooood night folks!! ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Pit pit putter | #WWRRM

Another late night blog post. I gotta get my shit together soon. I am welcoming the envelopment of sleep and Mocha is crying her head off wanting to see what my mom is eating downstairs. Oi.

 

Sorry for the shortness. Just have to get something up. I SWEAR I’ll have some WWRRM related posts soon.

 

Been on DA a lot today and basically going on comment rounds lol Got the number down to about 3,800 deviations though 😀 Want to schedule my day tomorrow so I can shower and do some photography and other artwork.

 

That’s about all for now.

Life On the Blog | #WWRRM

Life Update Thumb

Hey everyone!

Quick post here because I am TIRED and want to sleep very, very much so.

Any who, today was a pretty great day! Went to therapy, showed off some artwork, got some more preventative and other art ideas in tow, got praised and you know, good stuff.

DIDN’T BUY ANYTHING AT THE STORE, or stop by any stores so that’s good, too.

My head is itchy as shit ’cause I need to shower tomorrow.

Did some dishes.

Was ACTIVE on DA — made a thread for people to post their artwork so I can practice commenting again 🙂

And yep, that’s about it.

I have plans for the last few days of #WWRRM. And actually posting EARLY in the day. Quite a few goals in mind and some book reviews to work on and all that jazz. I can’t wait until I can drop down to 3-4x a week of blogging, seriously, I need the break!! 🙂

Any who that’s all for now, time for me to rest again. Thank you all!!