The Reality of My Unhealthy Relationship | Article F18

February 28, 2019February 26, 2019 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

I thought maybe I could skirt by the end of the semester without having yet another article written out about my unhealthy relationship to Luna but maybe that was a little too naïve and fruitful thinking on my part. I think decoding this relationship is an appropriate use of my thoughts to model the process I’ve undergone to come to the conclusion that this relationship was and is unhealthy in the hopes that maybe someone else reading this can uncover some of those same tendrils of darkness in their own lives.

An unhealthy relationship can take place in any interpersonal relationship–friends, family, romantic partners, co-workers etc. Understanding the root cause of them and what it is we are anticipating to “get” from one another is a really, really big part of the issue. In particular, for me this isn’t exactly something I mapped out clearly for myself prior to this point in time. Meaning, I had once a few years ago listed out in a journal what I would be looking for in a future romantic partner, but I never really thought about the values I look for in good friends and other encounters with people. This, I believe, is something where hindsight is always 20/20, so although I hadn’t previously listed out what I look for in my relationships now is a good time to start to help me navigate future relationships (because patterns will be patterns and I’m likely to repeat the same behaviors I did yesterday tomorrow).

We probably wouldn’t need to know about interpersonal effectiveness and conflict resolution if everything could be neat, tidy and in between the lines. But, life, as it were is messy and gray and complicated. Life dictates whether a relationship ends with closure or with a gaping hole. I, personally, would like closure in my relationships so that if I were to have to deal with an opened Pandora’s Box I could close it efficiently.

But that’s just not realistic. Because some relationships will end messy and hectic and it’s better for me now to prepare myself for these messy endings than to hide in wait for them to come to me. I guess my point is that it’s important for me to be proactive and skillful in my recovery and my interactions with the world, opting for the healthier choice when tempted with the unhealthy choice.

And it’s tough. It’s really, really hard and there are *so* many emotions that course through me because inherently I do want to engage with and interact with Luna but because of those very same emotions I cannot. At the worst extreme, the reality is that if I interact with Luna I’m going to wind up in a crisis and hospitalized. So far, my active use of DBT skills has culminated into having slowed down time between a near-crisis and an actual crisis. Twice I’ve neared crisis in November but managed with skills to back away before one ever took place. And by crisis I mean where emotions are high and I can’t keep myself safe.

No one and no thing–not even Luna–is worth getting suicidal over.

And it’s difficult because I wish it were different from that. But in reality, it’s just not.

In my session with June it was brought up whether Luna was ever really there for me. And I would say yes but when it really mattered, no, no they weren’t–but I *was* there for me. Besides, things are different now. I’ve changed so much in these last ten months, more than Luna even realizes, because they’re just not in my life anymore and I can’t afford to go backwards.

I’ve done so much work on myself, so much time in recovery and getting better, that to engage with Luna would only be pure self-sabotage and self-induced suffering. While my tolerance for my emotions is higher than before, I know that it still has a threshold (which if I exceed could thrust me into crisis).

…Lastly, if there’s anything I could say to Luna it would be that we had fun; it was pretty great when it was good. I learned a lot from you and learned how to cringe at my past Raquel self for the things that I did while unstable. I’m sorry that you had to see that and I think it’d be wise for you to work on establishing boundaries in the future for not only your sake but everybody’s sake. I’m kind of angry at you for the way things turned out, even if they’re all my emotions, and I know that it’s the process of grieving the loss of our friendship more than anything else. I wish things could have been different and maybe in some alternate reality they are.

But it’s time for me to move on now, and I know you’d understand even if to you it’s a passing moment and to me it’s the world.

Article written: 11.28.2018

Fun fact: I actually was originally including lyrics from Lauren Daigle’s “You Say” at the start of this piece but had too much to say so I took them out.

2/26/2019 A/N:

Hey guys! Welcome back to another super old article upload– I mean, better late than never, right?

Hope you guys enjoy this one! I actually was talking to David about Luna and everything that went down in our relationship this past weekend (I’ve only thought of Luna like twice or three times since this article was written). Accidentally triggered myself a few times talking it all out with David but I was so exhausted afterwards (I got home at like 11:30p) that I fell asleep soon after and spent all of Sunday watching our newly acquired Netflix account with episodes of “The 100”. Ahaha. I’ll try not to be away again for too long. Now that I don’t have articles to write I can spend more time and playing with the sand making castles for my blog posts, really raising the bar and making them more in-depth and hard work than I remember them being for a while there. XD

See you guys later! ❤ ❤ ❤

My Public Thank You to the Counseling Center | Article F18

February 27, 2019February 26, 2019 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

I swear that I’m aware that making such a public statement is bold and possibly not the greatest of outlets, but I think I can cover a good majority of ground with what I want this article to be about and I think it’s a prime example of where I’ve been in my recovery journey to where it’s coming to a close now. If you just so happen to be new: hello, welcome, this is my little corner and I hope you can make yourself at home. The semester is wrapping up, almost to a close now, and with that close a chapter of my story here has come to an end, in one of the best, if not the best, way possible.

I’m going to actually graduate. Like, really. As I’ve been ducking my nose into textbooks and writing up final thoughts on paper, I’ve actually made it to the point where my wings unfold and I fly free, very, very soon. And it’s absolutely amazing.

And, it’s very weird. To not be coming back to university at the end of January but having time off from school (almost indefinitely) and having to get a job is equal parts both exhilarating and terrifying.

It’s taken a lot for me to make it all this way here, as you’ve likely read in other issues, and with an ending comes a new beginning and it’s important, I feel, to recognize the supports, the many faces and the many people who’ve aided in my recovery and been like lighthouses in the dark skies I’ve had to overcome.

My therapist at program likened the process to that of grieving, and I have to agree, it feels quite a lot like that. I’m in a new transitionary period where my old safety nets require being swapped out with new ones. And that, naturally, brings me to the subject of this article.

I want to publicly award my deepest and most sincere gratitude’s to the amazing work the Counseling Center on campus has provided me for the better part of four years on and off.

If you didn’t already know, the Counseling Center is a fantastic resource for temporary individual counseling, an after-hours calling service (which I didn’t have for my first few years at this university) and a drop-in for emergency appointments (you have to fill out this questionnaire first and I swear if I can fill it out in full-blown Emotion Mind, anyone can fill it out).

I’ve gone in many a time for emergency crisis appointments, some in better states of mind than others, and I know like any other group of therapists that they’d downplay their efforts in helping me and I’d somewhat agree because it is my responsibility and my gift to myself to help me and do right by me (because who else will?) and I can still say with certainty that the Counseling Center genuinely helped me in more ways than one and was probably one of my biggest, if not my biggest, support in getting through these six years at university. The compassion, the marks of humor where appropriate, the breakthroughs and the guidance was nothing short of miraculous and left enough of an impact on me and my recovery journey that I’m publicly (and privately) thanking them for their services.

Because I really don’t know where I’d be today without them (and without myself for choosing to help me and reach out for their support). I’ve said before how the hardest thing to do is to choose to live and the second hardest is to ask for help. If you’d have to ask for help from anybody without the fear of judgment and what it all means, the Counseling Center is there waiting for you. They are there to help you, and if you let them, they will. It’s a two-way street and an open dialogue.

Most of my emergency appointments landed me in the hospital, I’ll be honest, and none of them were unnecessary. Sometimes our wants aren’t matched up with our needs (think Maslow’s hierarchy of needs) and if you ever do require a hospitalization, it doesn’t make you weak in any way. It’s a sign of immense strength to ask for help and to receive it. Because you matter, your life matters, you are important and you can’t ever be replaced.

Reach out, choose to live, ask for help and receive it from some of the most amazing clinicians on our campus.

I will carry these memories between both my ears and when things get tough I’ll cherish them as a time once had while life gradually and naturally brightens up again. I will create new safety nets and stronger support networks.

And I’ll move on, because that’s what we do. But I will never, ever forget.

Stay safe.

This article was written: 11.26.18

PD A/N as of 2/26/19:

Hey guys! So, I’m scheduling this post to be released the day after I typed this up! I also realized while re-reading this article that I have PHOTOS of the personalized thank you cards I did for each therapist who impacted me the most during my recovery journey which I’m going to share below with all of you. ❤

Hope you guys can take something from this article and my cards! I have plenty to talk to you guys about soon. 🙂 See ya later!! ❤ ❤ ❤

This one was for the therapist who I thought was named “Mike”. 🙂 I saw him about 7 times on emergency before.

This was to the therapist who had been there for me since the very start of my diagnosis journey. She was really, really cool. 🙂

This card is for the therapist whom I referenced years ago with the question about whether I truly wanted to recover or not and I answered honestly that part of me did and part of me didn’t. (article circa 2016)

Thank you again for reading. 🙂

PS Yes, the degree to which I was fancying these cards got progressively shorter as I was running out of time. I dropped them off at the front desk so I don’t know personally if they received them individually but I have faith that they did. ❤

Treatment 101: OCD-Institute & ERP | Article F18

February 26, 2019February 26, 2019 / RecoverytoWellness / 2 Comments

In preparing to write this article I had to do the one thing I’ve wanted to do for ages but never tried: reviewing some of my old journals and two red folders from my time three years ago in the OCD-Institute of McLean hospital. McLean offers one of the three major OCD facilities treating the disorder across the United States (and it’s a world-renowned program). The OCD-I is not a locked unit so I could actually leave the campus for dinner at Friendly’s with family but was expected to be back by, I’d guess 10PM, to sleep there overnight. Besides medication the most used tool for treating OCD is called Exposure and Response Prevention or ERP of which the goal is to expose the client to their distress related to OCD and refrain from using compulsions.

Because this took place three years ago, I can only describe what my experiences were like given my particular circumstance. I was first told about the OCD-I from the Counseling Center on campus as a potential treatment option for myself (at the time experiencing mostly OCD behaviors). Over the spring 2015 semester I transitioned to an OCD specialist therapist whom I saw twice a week for a year. I remember before I landed in my third hospitalization of 2015 I learned that the OCD-I had a three month wait list. The helplessness and hopelessness I felt at that moment was unbearable and led me to accruing more suicidal thoughts that I wanted to act on at the time. However, during my hospitalization I did begin to fill out the application and eventually sent it over to the OCD-I.

In fall 2015, I took a leave of absence from school as I got accepted into the OCD-I around October and stayed there for five weeks. Because it wasn’t a locked unit, we could have laptops and iPods and things to that effect (strings!). People who were dealing with OCD around cleaning or cooking were often the ones serving food and experiencing their ERPs firsthand. We had about four hours of ERPs each day and two hours of them on the weekends. We would often go out on the weekends into the Boston area to practice the skills we were learning at program to apply into the real world. The average stay for an individual was up to three months, but insurance often bottomed out before then. We would follow a set schedule–a goals oriented group in the morning while sitting in a circle, two hours of ERP and track A or track B specific groups, which for me, meant a mindfulness group on some days, intrusive thoughts group, expressive therapy, emotion regulation, and a motivation group.

I find it quite funny that I’ve found some DBT related worksheets from within these red folders that I didn’t realize would play such an important role in my treatment and recovery three years later.

My ERPs had involved exposing myself to methods that I had used in the past to harm myself, saying that I was going to use it to harm myself (which would produce distress) that I then had to shift gears completely from and “live my life. While living my life, I would have to practice mindfulness skills of defusion and practice staying in the moment. Living my life could include just about anything except sleeping and talking about suicide.”

If it sounds slightly warped and unethical, I did have to return the methods after the ERPs were over as they were keeping it behind the nurse’s station.

A few of my notable memories from this time period were some of the friendships that I made and rolling down a big hill out on the campus, “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten and “Stitches” by Shawn Mendes being songs that I danced to, practicing grounding techniques with one of the other clients, a client getting kicked out for stealing and a suicidal crisis that emerged from this consequence, my getting the chance to be my authentic self and make positive messages for the other clients, attending the OCD support group and a few notable lectures.

One of those lectures involved a client focusing on the whiteboard of their values while other clients played their intrusive thoughts. It was a harrowing and emotional experience and even though they cried, they kept their attention forwards and didn’t interact with the ‘thoughts’. Another involved what you would say if you had to give a last speech before you died and another was the memorable speech Alan Rabinowitz gave featured on The Moth titled: “Man and Beast” and the book “The Happiness Trap” which is about ACT.

And finally, there was a set of questions from the OCD-I’s surveys that always stuck with me:

“When I want to feel *more* positive emotions, I change the way I’m thinking” and “when I want to feel *less* negative emotions, I change the way I’m thinking.”

At the time, these two questions were the resounding hum of my treatment after I got released. And from there, well, the rest is history.

This article was written: 11.21.2018

PD A/N:

Hey guys! So it’s been a few days since my last post. I’m hoping to update you guys more at length soon! For now, I’m trying to just upload some of my last articles here to my blog and also shove them all onto my deviantART account lol. I have like 7 or so left that I just kept putting off and off to upload but last week marked my final 2 being officially sent in! Hooray! I’ll try to update you guys soon. I think I can finally start writing more of my fanfics this week; I made a bunch of new (7) get well soon cards today and I really, really need to eat dinner ASAP so I’m off to do that!

Thanks for reading!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Markers of Progress | Article F18

January 8, 2019January 8, 2019 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

“Just tell me how I got this far, just tell me why you’re here and who you are. ‘Cause every time I look, you’re never there and every time I sleep, you’re always there. ‘Cause you’re everywhere to me and when I close my eyes it’s you I see. You’re everything I know that makes me believe I’m not alone, I’m not alone….I sense it now, the water’s getting deep, I try to wash the pain away from me…And when I catch my breath it’s you I breathe.” – Lyrics from “Everywhere” by Michelle Branch.

It was the middle of August 2018 when I heard the song “All You Wanted” by Michelle Branch over the radio on my drive home from a family therapy appointment. There was something about that song that struck me in that moment as fitting to explain Thor and Loki’s relationship in the Thor and Avengers films (the Marvel Cinematic Universe, in particular). In my spare time I like to write Loki-centered Avengers fan fiction that I post up online on two main fan fiction websites. So, I wrote myself a story exploring the depths of Thor’s early childhood relationship with Loki and one of his untimely deaths. I covered a lot of ground about grieving and the process of that, the concept of legacies and meaning, the difficulties that death poses to both man and demigod and I thought it was a nice single story that I could plop out into existence just because.

But then when I had long since finished writing that story, I heard “Everywhere” again by Michelle Branch and the idea of a prequel popped into my mind. The first story, “Somebody Who Cares”, dealt with the end of a grieving process whereas this prequel, “It’s You, I Breathe” would be based in the very beginnings of that process. I imagine that Thor will be seeing reminders of his brother Loki around in the world while battling with what if’s of what could have changed the story from ending the way that it did.

I’ve decided to talk about this source of artistic inspiration and expression because it’s really, really important for us to find these little golden coins of reasons to stay alive for and changing our relationships to items in our lives. I’d like to discuss the continued ways in which my recovery has been explored and how I was successfully able to avert a crisis in the middle of November.

Initially I had only ever heard these songs by Michelle Branch as echoes of my childhood, then at one particular square inch of time I was able to take in that information with a whole new perspective. I related to it differently from Point Z than Point B. This concept is similar to the meaning and understanding I can find in reading a novel at one portion of my life, say when I was 15, versus another period of my life, at 25, and coming away from that experience with different thoughts than I would have previously. Or, when it comes to treatment, I can begin to track my Internet activities in August only to come to accept for myself that I have an unhealthy relationship with it in November (whereas before I would have denied it). The way in which I relate to the world and the way I believe and perceive the way the world interacts with me is an ever-evolving relationship. This is the type of principle that makes triggers so unique to each individual. Triggers can be anything and some days may make us more vulnerable to them than others.

But because I had built a positive relationship with this song to my artistic explorations, I could tap back into those pleasant activities when I was deeply struggling with all the feelings of a crisis. It was the first time in a long time that I had caught myself before the crisis (Emotion Mind) took over and I was 100% safe. I was able to identify that talking over the phone with someone would help me and I needed some sense of direction to move forward. Whom I spoke to on the phone gave me enough reminders of my currently stable self that while I had urges I didn’t want to act on them.

So I didn’t.

I coped ahead, I used opposite action, I rewarded myself, I recognized the factors that make my life worth living and I gave myself credit for the work I’ve been doing over the last nine months and made it through the turbulence to get to the pretty view of the horizon. I’m not where I once was and if I come by there again, which may happen, I won’t leave it the same way as I once would have.

And that, my friends, is progress.

Written: Nov. 21.2018

Present day: 1/8/2019:

Hey everybody! This is an old article nowadays but I wanted to put it up since I’ve been avoiding it for the last 2 weeks, lol. I hope that you enjoyed it! Also, I do have ‘Somebody Who Cares’ up on my AO3 and FF.net accounts, links in my About the Author section, if you want to check them out!

I’m actually in the process of updating a bunch of fanfics in case that’s something that interests you! I will probably pop up another article tonight and type up my poem (the first one in over a year!) that I wrote yesterday at program during art therapy.

Today’s been weird in that I slept most of the day, so I didn’t get nearly as much done as I was hoping to but what can you do?

I have to still eat dinner, clean Galaxy’s cage, type fanfic, write fanfic, work on a few blog posts and maybe try to actually read some, oh, and answer messages. Any who, that’s what I’m up to!

Hope you’re all well!! ❤ ❤ ❤

PS does anyone else not see the line break when in progress of the post but it appears in the post itself later? Ugh, that’s annoying.

Treatment 101: OCD-Institute & ERP | Article F18

January 8, 2019January 8, 2019 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

If it sounds slightly warped and unethical, I did have to return the methods after the ERPs were over as they were keeping it behind the nurse’s station.

And finally, there was a set of questions from the OCD-I’s surveys that always stuck with me:

“When I want to feel *more* positive emotions, I change the way I’m thinking” and “when I want to feel *less* negative emotions, I change the way I’m thinking.”

At the time, these two questions were the resounding hum of my treatment after I got released. And from there, well, the rest is history.

Article written: Nov. 21.2018

Present day A/N: I’m trying out the newer layout option and while it’s fancy and nice, I feel it’s also a little more complicated than complicated needs to be. Regardless, here I am.

I hope you guys enjoyed this post! Again, it’s from a while ago but soon I’ll be able to write my final 2 articles to share with you guys here (that I’ll be writing this month, just to clarify). Okay, I hope you’re all well!

I’m thinking I might return to the OCD support group that continues to meet every first Tues of the month as I haven’t gone in a year and I would like to reappear plus I now have a really, really good GPS to bust out. I might send them all an email, too, actually. 🙂 Interesting! ❤ ❤ ❤

I’m typing up my poem next to be uploaded tomorrow on here! 🙂

Stay safe!!! xxx

EDIT: I have no idea what happened but the new layout forced this post into the past and before my MoP one which makes no sense to me so that’s why there’s a discrepancy between the images used and the way the descriptions/A/N’s were written. Sorry about that!! Fucking WordPress.

How I Earned My Degree despite Adversity | Article F18

December 24, 2018December 22, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / 5 Comments

Trigger Warning: Suicidal themes

At the time of my writing this article I am approximately a month and a half away from earning my Bachelor of Science degree in psychology after entering this university back in fall 2012. In my six years of having been an undergraduate student at the university I dreamed of attending in my senior year of high school, originally on a pre-med track majoring in Chemistry, a lot has changed. These last six years have been one interesting and one hell of a ride. I am eternally grateful that in May 2019 I will be able to take that commencement walk in full graduation gear for the number one thing I’ve worked my bum off to achieve in all these six years.

These years were not without struggle, not without questioning who I am and who I aim to one day represent. They’ve been years of change, of passion and stubborn determination.

Approximately 64% of young adults who are no longer in college are not attending due to some mental health reason or another (NAMI 2012).

I am lucky to not be one of those statistics. Instead, and I am sure I’m not alone in this, I am someone whose had the chance and the financial stability from my family to continue onwards in achieving my degree despite all the road blocks that arose in my way, threatening not only my chance of graduating but my very life.

So how did I get from point A to point M?

Well, in 2012 I began attending UMass Boston at the age of 19 with symptoms that soon began of OCD that I did not realize at the time.

Around fall 2013 I changed my major to psychology while still pursuing a pre-med track until I began to excel in my psych courses rather than barely muddling through my biology courses.

In spring 2015, largely and often actively suicidal I began various psychiatric hospitalizations, getting picked up by ambulance from the Counseling Center and feeling like I wasn’t meant to be in school let alone alive on the planet. I withdrew from a few of my courses, settling on the notion that I would have to take them again in a future I didn’t see myself ever reaching.

One of the most important concepts brought to my attention at this point in my treatment was that university would always be there if I had to take time away from my educational pursuits to achieve and maintain my own health and wellness. I remember it as the first foundation of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (food, water, air, safety and shelter). I remember people telling me “the school isn’t going anywhere, but you have to be alive in order to attend it. You can’t go to school if you’re dead.” It was advice I needed to hear at the time and it needed to be explicit to me or otherwise I wouldn’t have had a revelation about it. Now, it’s something I often find my own self returning to when discussing similar matters to others.

In fall 2015 I took a medical leave of absence before staying 5 weeks at the OCD-Institute. My treatment there paved the way for my recovery and I returned to classes in spring 2016. During this time I began to write for the newspaper, began involvement with NAMI and took a summer statistics course in which I excelled.

Overall, it was a cycle of withdrawals, part-timing, pass/failing, medical leaves and make-up courses over four years that led up to my eventual and long awaited graduation. It took forever to get here for sure but I’ve never been as prepared and ready to leave as I am feeling now. I’m ready to move forwards in my life and I largely stuck by my values during this entire journey.

UMB began as a place of brightness, possibility and opportunities. It began as a place of much creativity and endless artistic inspiration for me.

When ill, it became shrouded in a cloak of possible harm and death scenarios. I would often cry in corridors, get stuck in stairwells, self-harm in the bathrooms, and plan ways to end my life within its walls.

But through it all I refused to let my brain win. Time and time again I chose recovery, I chose life, I chose happiness and I chose stability.

I have chosen to walk these halls with pride in my bones because I have reigned here and my vision of this school has arisen like a phoenix from the flames. It may not be exactly the same way as how I saw it six years ago, but it’s good enough for me.

I have faced adversity and I’ve had the grit within me to prevail. If that doesn’t make me a superhero, nothing will.

Stay safe.

Written: 11.8 & 11.12.2018

12/22 A/N:

Hey guys! I’m so excited to be bringing you guys this article!! If you follow me on Twitter or browsed through my feed from the day I’m writing this author’s note, you’ll be familiar with some of the ending of this article as I posted it there too since I loved it so much. I actually got a little bit of feedback from someone who worked in the Student Activities department saying that they liked this article a lot, so that’s so neat!!

Any who, I’ve probably got to find something else to do right about now, but I hope you enjoyed this article and want to stick around to see what other ones I have left to upload. 🙂 Happy holidays!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Also, PS, here is the picture that I shared of a drawing I made a few years ago that’s still actually unfinished but coincides with this written piece:

IMG_00000956 Upd

Treatment 101: Resources Part II | Article F18

December 23, 2018December 22, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

In between the time of my article on “Resources”, its publication and before the article I wrote called “Giving Myself Credit” I actually had the opportunity to try out some of the phone numbers I had listed in my article. The results were mixed; but having gone through that experience and the aftermath of it, I have more resources to add to the list and honestly you can never have too many resources.

A nation-wide National Alliance on Mental Illness phone number that you can call with questions regarding treatment options, psychoeducation and local resources can be reached Monday-Friday 10a-6p at 1800 950 NAMI (6264).

Additionally to the crisis texting service 741-741 you can also try the words “GO”, “MHA” and “NAMI” to begin a session. The code word variation for this crisis service is mainly for documenting trafficking purposes (i.e. what brought you to this resource).

Another 24/7 call center comes out of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) which can be reached at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). When calling this number you can find out more local resources specific to your location, the call is confidential but it is not a counseling service.

For emergency service programs that are covered by MassHealth, Medicare and uninsured plans there are some South Shore MA crisis lines you can call. The one I found online that is a state-wide ESP open 24/7 can be reached at: 877-382-1609, and you enter the zip code you are in at which your crisis is taking place. Namimass.org can provide a further more expandable list of the different ESP’s across the state, as well. The Taunton-Attleboro crisis team can be reached at: 508-285-9400. The Brockton crisis team can be reached at: 508-897-2100.

If the person who is suicidal is undergoing an immediate crisis by which they are determined to be an imminent danger to themselves, it’s best to call 911 or take them to the nearest emergency room. You can, if you call 911, specify that it’s a psychiatric emergency so as to potentially lessen the intensity of the situation unfolding from already chaotic to traumatizing.

In Boston, the Samaritans state-wide number can be reached 24/7 at: (877) 870-HOPE (4673). They also offer a text-based service at the same number.

The Samaritans on the Cape Cod and Islands can be reached at: 800-893-9900. Further county specific and nation-wide phone number listings can also be found on suicidehotlines.com.

Another resource rich website that I first discovered back in 2015 is called: metanoia.org. It lists out in easy to understand text what a suicidal crisis is like for those who struggle first-hand and for those whose family members, friends or other loved ones experience their loved one’s crisis, what suicidal crises are versus not and continues to offer hope and guidance for those who have momentarily lost their way. They also include some of the national numbers that I have listed here and in the first part of the article series and offer additional book references and websites to learn more about specific mental health conditions and so on.

Additionally, specific to not only UMass Boston but also to other college campuses there are other avenues of help that can be referred to. It might be daunting and unpredictable to approach a stranger when you’re in crisis, but it is an option (even if it might be further down the list). You can tell them that you’re not feeling well and that you need to get to X location, and ask them if they can help you to get there (whether that’s the Counseling Center, calling someone else, contacting Public Safety, going to the ER, etc.) You can also communicate to an MBTA officer how you are feeling and ask for someone with crisis intervention training for further aid.

Your professor can also be someone you approach to get you to the Counseling Center. You can also get in touch with further resources and communication between yourself and your professors via the Dean of Students. Above all, it’s important to remember that there are many alternatives and avenues of help and hope that you can turn to when you’re lost in the darkness.

Suicide, as it were, is a permanent action to a temporary crisis. You can live beyond this point of hell into the brightness of the sun and the blossoming of the flowers nearby. You can be okay again. You can be you again.

The hardest decision you will make will be to choose to live; the second will be to tell someone how you’re *really* feeling.

Stay safe.

Article written: October 23 & 24.2018

12/22/2018 A/N:

Hey guys! Another post from me! I’ll be squirming in the last few articles into 2018 to help make everything easier for myself when it comes to writing the final two (they won’t be published in Fall 2018 but delayed to Spring 2019, although I will NOT be there on campus for them, since I’ve just GRADUATED!) I swear, I’ll try and settle in some time with a PROPER blog post soon. I really do want to get back to my roots so you’re all in my thoughts and I can’t WAIT to interact with you all again soon. ❤

Also, this article is probably coming in around a tough holiday season for some, so please, please, please REACH OUT to someone online and offline and take care of yourselves!! You can always reach me if you’d like either through my contact page here on WordPress, a DM on Twitter, a public message on Twitter, etc. I’m not a mental health professional but I can be a friend to listen to you or someone you chat with for some peer support. Check out the #SickNotWeak on Twitter too, there’s a lovely amount of people who can help support you there or also try Dr1ven Industries. You’re worth SO MUCH. Please live.

❤ ❤ ❤

An Interview on the Impact of Mental Health Stigma | Article F18

December 22, 2018December 22, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / 1 Comment

This interview was conducted with a friend of mine who I’ve named “Naomi” to protect their real identity back in fall 2016. I asked for some guidance on how to write this article and the questions that would be posed from a colleague involved with NAMI. Thus the interview has its light spots while also its serious spots. I will also include a little of my own experiences as that was the initial plan when I took my notes two years ago. My hope is that the effects of mental health stigma can be highlighted here while also humanizing the experience of mental health conditions (MHC’s) and recovery.

Question 1: In your own words, what is stigma?

Naomi: Stigma is when people assume things about you just because you have a condition. Stigma is generalizable and often stereotypical.

Raquel: I feel that stigma is an unjust assumption regarding a person’s experiences and what they are capable or incapable of. It’s often used in a way that lumps all of us who experience mental health conditions into, at its worst, “dangerous” and “criminal” stereotypes when the majority of us are anything but. We are often people who have been deeply hurt by life and are more likely to hurt ourselves before hurting others. Some people have dark intentions but just because someone is living with psychosis or depression doesn’t mean they’re out to get everybody else.

Q2: How does stigma impact the general public?

N: It leads to misconceptions and a lack of empathy. It instills fear in others, judgments and misunderstanding.

R: I agree with Naomi, stigma ignites fear of not understanding the unknown and some people will never have the willingness to understand mental health conditions and those aren’t the people I try to concern myself with. Instead I look for those who are open-minded and who have a willingness to learn, people like myself, who will research something to get a better understanding of it and share kindness and hope rather than darkness and hate.

Q3: Who are you?

N: I’m a warrior and a human being. I’m empathetic and sensitive. I love nature. I love cats. I enjoy parks with trees.

Q4: How does stigma impact those suffering from MHC’s?

N: The person may feel as though they cannot open up or are uncomfortable about opening up in the first place. I dealt with self-harm in middle school and heard lots of jokes about it and that unkindness made me feel like I had to be silent about my struggles.

R: Again, I agree with Naomi–I think at its worst, stigma causes more people to be afraid of being vulnerable and afraid they’ll be kicked while they’re already down by people who have no interest in understanding the complexities of life and the power and strength that lies in saying, “I struggle too.” I personally align and surround myself with people who are less afraid to put themselves out there to be the beacons of light and hope to others who are also struggling. I hope that by doing my part, I can help to change someone else’s life for the better.

Q5: What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?

N: I’m vegan, so Ben & Jerry’s peanut butter ice cream!

R: I love Ben & Jerry’s “Boom Chocolatta.” It’s amazing!

Q6: How important is person first language for you?

N: Person first language is really important. People with mental health conditions can feel defined by their issues, and mental health conditions don’t completely define a person.

R: A person with MHC’s are an entire mind, body and spirit separate from them. MHC’s are a small part of someone, not the entire picture.

Q7: Favorite thing to purchase?

N: Books and music.

R: Books, stationery, journals, gel pens.

Q8: What are some of the mental health conditions that you live with?

N: Post-traumatic stress disorder.

R: OCD, depression, trichotillomania (hair-pulling) and borderline personality disorder.

Q9: Who is impacted by mental health conditions?

N: Anyone–any individual, friend, family, loved one, stranger, neighbor. Someone may not even know they have a problem or an underlying condition going on. Someone may not even realize that they do know someone who is struggling or has struggled in the past.

R: Most psychiatric disorders don’t necessarily have a specific “face” to them–they can be seen in some behaviors, yes, but a person doesn’t have to “look” mentally unwell to be mentally unwell. Depression or OCD aren’t a person, they’re something a person is afflicted with.

Q10: Where are you in your recovery journey?

N: I’m in the treatment stage and haven’t yet found a way to deal with stigma. I feel it’s harder to open up and enlighten people when I feel triggered. I’m just not comfortable yet.

Q11: What’s your favorite color?

N: Evergreen.

R: Honestly? Rainbows. Seven colors though: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink. Six is okay, but anything less annoys me.

Article notes written: October 2016 & piece rearranged/written in full: Nov. 12.2018

PD A/N from 12/22/2018:

Heyyyy everyone!!! Welcome back to another old(er) article!! I think we’re heading into the last 10 articles or so from the semester so that’s neat! I was actually rereading over this one so that I could bold the questions for easier reading and it dawned on me (as my tweet showed) how amazing it is that I have the talent of writing and the openness to share my mental health experiences so widely. I really do hope that they can make a difference in someone’s life!! I still technically have two final pieces to write but we’ll get to that eventually.

Any who, how are you guys? How are you feeling regarding the holiday season? I hope to have a regular, more down to earth blog post soon. 🙂 Probably around the holidays as I know that can be a tough time for some people and I’d like to help out with just putting up some kind of content during that time (videos & blog posts).

I can’t wait to get back into reading over your guys’ work!!

Stay safe! ❤ ❤ ❤

PS My Mom and I did holiday shopping today and that went super well. I’m hoping to do more tonight and tomorrow (of productive things).

Say the Word Suicide: Joking About Suicide | Article F18

December 20, 2018December 20, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

I feel that this article may be a bit controversial but it stems from a place of awareness, confession and is also representative of the short mini-series I created on my blog years ago (“Mental health and suicide are not jokes”) about this very important, very critical topic.

If you’ve been on the Internet for any length of time you may have come across people making inappropriate jokes about suicide–usually with specific methods mentioned that I won’t repeat here.

I think joking about suicide in part comes from a place of joking about hard, dark and difficult topics as is normally done. Dark humor is a way of expressing pain while also finding the absurdity of life and all its wackiness just…funny. What one person considers a joke may not be considered funny to someone else. Some people use joking as a nervous tic to spread distance between themselves and the issue at hand, some use it as a way of denying their reality, some people genuinely think it’s funny, some people are expressing genuine pain and a plea for help, and some people just get offended.

Suicide and, in turn, mental health in general is really no different in the face of this.

I, for one, when I was actively suicidal would actually joke about it quite often. I’ve actually engaged in this behavior since I first started developing depression. In fact, when I was “only” living with OCD, I didn’t bring it up very much at all in conversation. It was only when I developed secondary depression that I no longer cared about the societal norms imposed upon me and suicide in general became equivalent to talking about the weather–I was so consumed with suicidal thoughts (genuine and obsessive/intrusive) that even when I read articles on suicide warning signs I laughed off the need to “go to nearest ER.”

I also joked, laughed and smiled about the topic of my own suicide in some parts because talking about, focusing in on and ruminating about suicide feeds into the OCD that I live with–in fact, I *still* struggle with what is known by this definition as ‘inappropriate affect’ (think: someone laughing at a funeral). I remember many times where I’d be on a bed in the emergency room and laughing about my detailed suicide plans while I garnered strange looks from the crisis evaluator.

My Mom nicknamed this particular laugh that I do in these states as a “hyena laugh”. I’ve been told it’s disturbing and that my emotional expression (or lack thereof) is disorienting.

Some treatment providers have thought of it as a mask, but I don’t necessarily agree with that. Once, I told my psychiatrist about this behavior and Phil actually asked me if I laugh about my own suicide because it’s funny or because it’s a confession.

I think it’s both. I think I find it funny and I laugh because I find that it’s *true* and I also do it because I’m trying to convey that I really, really need help.

In 2015 when this behavior began, I’d say 95% of the time people would either awkwardly laugh along with me (imagine someone asking how I’m doing and I say, “I’d be better if I was dead” or someone commenting on one of my coping skills and I say “well, it’s better than killing myself”) not knowing *what* to say and wouldn’t ask me if I was genuinely suicidal or not.

I do remember a few handful of times that people paused and shot me a concerning gaze and asked if I was okay and I internally panicked at being caught but always retracted my statement and downplayed its meaning.

For nearly the entire duration of my recovery I have not ever worn a mask, if I was upset I would be upfront about it. The exception arose at the start of 2018 where I was actively writing suicide notes in my journal, writing articles that were of a darker nature and changing my Twitter handle to cryptic messages while acting calm outwardly in a way that was starkly different from a previously intense, dark depression.

I did notice a pattern this year that I’m keenly aware of: there is a clear positive correlation to that fact that if I am having more suicidal thoughts, my amount of suicide jokes exponentially increases.

My point in this article overall is to admit to an inappropriate and problematic behavior I have often engaged in during my time in and out of recovery and to offer insight into the inner workings of what might be happening to someone if you hear them joke off-handedly about suicide; because maybe it’s not a joke, maybe it reveals genuine intent. And if someone is being that open about their suicidal ideation, we have to be even more alert for those who are silently suffering with just as much suicidal ideation.

Article written: November 7.2018

Present Day (PD) Author’s Note (A/N): 12/20/2018

Heyyyy everyone! A blast from the past here with the topic of this article (as I so linked earlier in the post) and I actually loosely read over this one for a change which is different. But uh, please, no pitch forks and fire and anger, all right? Just a speck of insight and admitting to past issues or current issues where it’s relevant. But yeah.

I’m officially done with school and that’s a really, really weird concept. I’ll try to blog about it more in the future, it’s time for dinner now. Hope you’re all well.

Stay safe! ❤ ❤ ❤

Say the Word Suicide: The Telling | Article F18

December 14, 2018December 12, 2018 / RecoverytoWellness / Leave a comment

Apparently, in titling this article I found out the difference between “tattle tailing” and “telling.” Tattling, as it were, is reserved for those who aim to have someone else get in trouble by revealing other’s secrets. Telling is for reporting to another individual that someone is struggling or otherwise needs help (definitions as listed by Safe 2 Tell Organization of Colorado).

In this way, it’s only fitting for this series to have a look at the most fundamental rule of dealing with a person struggling with suicidal ideation: to tell and to tell loudly.

Assuming that you are close to an individual that has told you whether directly or indirectly that they are having suicidal thoughts, it’s important that you: ask for additional information, assess if they are a current danger to themselves, get them extra support if they are and take care of yourself after the fact, too.

It’s not easy to ask someone: “are you having thoughts of killing yourself” but it can be entirely life-saving. I know that suicide is a very loud word most often not spoken about, but I swear that unless you’re talking about specific suicide methods, you won’t be planting the idea into their head when you ask them outright if they’re thinking of killing themselves.

In fact, I’ve always found it a breath of fresh air when someone has asked me directly. Yes, it can be uncomfortable. Yes, I might not reveal all of the pertinent information. And yes, it could be the one thing that prevents me from ending my life–because it means someone has noticed me, someone has noticed the pain I’m in and that I don’t feel like I can go on living with that pain as it is right now.

There’s something about my experiences with suicidal crises that are the picture definition of ambivalence: I want someone to hear me, see me, acknowledge my existence, my pain and I also want them to leave me alone and not try to help me. But at the end of the day, I do want help. Because maybe I don’t have to die, maybe what’s being said in my head isn’t true at all and maybe there’s another avenue of help and hope that was just within my reach if I hadn’t followed through on suicidal plans.

I mentioned in my article “Treatment 101: Resources Part 2” that the hardest decision I had to make in my life was to choose to live and the second hardest was to tell someone. In my years of getting treatment, I was almost always the relatively responsible one in the relationship that would tell someone, even if it meant creating a middle man situation, that I was suicidal, had a plan, had intent and was still uncertain.

I think back then I told because I was actively in treatment, much like I am now. I told because that little sparkle of hope was still inside me and I knew from witnessing a NAMI IOOV presentation that that hope had a reason for existing.

When I was at the crossroads between choosing to live and choosing to die, I thought about what ending I wanted to be told about my life. Would I want to be the one telling the story about what I did to overcome the darkness or did I want to just give up and let the story end prematurely? This is a concept I still use in my current day-to-day treatment.

I know now that from being stable for so long that I’m really not the sum value of my experiences with suicidality and mental health conditions. Back then, I didn’t have this yet, but I believed it could still be there for me if I just kept on breathing another breath.

I’ve also mentioned before how just holding on for the moment can be the most important thing, too. When weeks and months are too long, too complex for me to stay alive for, I work with the minutes and the seconds instead.

Maybe because the root of my suicidality was OCD I never truly wanted to die. In some ways, I believe this to be true but I also want to add caution to this idea as well—over time a person who is suicidal will try more dangerous and more severe attempts to end their life. Unfortunately, with time a person can learn how to be more effective in ending their life.

So, yeah, maybe John is just saying people would be better off without him or that Stacey saying goodbye is just abnormal behavior for her, but do you really want to take that chance? If a suicidal individual tells you to keep their intentions a secret—don’t. They may hate you for it, but at least they’ll be alive to hate you. The same cannot be true if they follow through.

Stay safe.

Article written: 10.23, 10.25, 11.7.2018

PD A/N: Boy, I am EXHAUSTED. It’s currently Wednesday when I’m either publishing this or sending into a schedule post for Th. Regardless if you follow me on Twitter you’ll know that Wed I did a lot of coursework so I’m feeling super exhausted about that now and am ready to just end the evening on a high note and go to blissful sleep.

Additionally if you follow me on Twitter you’ll also know that I wrote some fanfic (a new story) the other day and I actually had time and inspiration to write more for it today which is really awesome. Although I want to edit a video I also really want to get offline so who knows what’ll happen next.

For now, that’s all I’ve got. I’m utterly exhausted lol. We’ll chat more later.

<3<3<3