Who I Am At Work vs. Who I Am Everywhere Else

Journaling THUMB

I really wanted to write this blog post in particular a few hours ago, on Tuesday January 28th 2020, but life got in the way and the song I was listening to when I thought back on the idea again (it’s been on my mind the last 2 weeks, maybe?) just came onto my iPod soooo, we’re gonna roll with it. It may not be perfect, because I really have zero writing vibes now, after I went downstairs to eat dinner but we’ll not strive for perfection, rather “just” completion. 🙂 Let’s go!!

The premise of this blog post is that who I am at work (Amaryllis) is different in many ways to who I am everywhere else in my life. I’d like to explore more of that, what characteristics make up which parts of my identity and just spend some time thinking of it and trying to understand and come to terms with it all. Of course, it’s not necessarily a “bad” or “good” thing, it’s just how it is right now and that’s not to say that it can’t change in the future. Any who, let me get into this (I will be writing up a life update post by the end of this weekend).

Let’s start where it’s easiest, which is namely:

Who Am I Everywhere Else?

    • I think I carry myself with strength, resiliency, clear-headedness, confidence, high self-regard, compassion, honesty, transparency, vulnerability, inspiration, humor, and at times, leadership.
    • I don’t worry about what other people think of me: I row my own boat and if I pass someone trying to sell me something I avoid all eye contact to make the rejection of me not paying attention to them a little easier to handle (my thought process being that maybe if I ignore them and avoid them, they’ll take the hint).
    • I bury my head in whatever it is that I’m doing, especially when it’s of a one-to-one interaction or something I can engulf myself into completely–if not lingering hands of wandering thoughts. I still make it work.
    • I’m passionate and talkative, I’m a proud advocate for mental health and recovery. I’m able to explore a lot of this with online creativity and in person compatibility.
    • I get easily distracted when I’m discussing something or trying to listen and other background noise gets introduced. I have a harder time, as of late, filtering out what’s actually happening around me (I have terrible senses of self-awareness, like, physically speaking) between what I’m trying to pay attention to or ingest (metaphorically speaking).
    • I get anxious when it comes to driving in unfamiliar places. It’s something that I’m working on, by going to….familiar places. Ahaha. It’s a work in progress.
    • I’m active in my work to help dispel stigma in regards to mental health.
    • I’m a lot more open. Again, I don’t worry what other people may think of me. I’m not the best at consciously being aware of body language cues and then interpreting or acting in regards to those conclusions going forwards.
    • I blog, I create, I write fanfic, articles, lots of things.
    • I’m an expert in my lived experiences
    • I maintain my stability and recovery daily
    • I do like 5 different places of tracking information regarding my moods and behaviors and general to do’s and how things are going stuff.
    • I like to do random acts of kindness to strangers and friends
    • I’m a major MCU fan, I have big dreams and integrate myself well with those around me.

So, I think that’s a pretty good list!! That was easier to think up…

Now, let’s compare:

Who Am I At Work? (Amaryllis)

  • I’m anxious. I don’t know what I’m doing a lot of the time.
  • I’m stiff physically, I’ll either be standing awkwardly or sitting nervously, leaning forwards on my knees. I hold my tension in my shoulders and I’m physically exhausted (as well as emotionally drained) by the end of my 8 hour shift.
  • I’m worried. I hope that I’m doing the right thing. I do ask here and there if it’s of particular need or importance.
  • I don’t–can’t–self-disclose. This is a HUGE one for me, such a contrast with this and the advocacy above. I had to learn and re-define what “private” versus “public” information meant to be. Like, “private/personal” vs “public”. It seems still odd to me even now but I do see why it’s so important. It also feels like hiding a part of myself. I don’t bring up mental health stuff at work. (I work in a residential for trauma informed care of youth between ages 5 and 12).
  • I have been working there for 3 months, which is the longest I’ve gone in a long time at any job.
  • I have excellent, validating, encouraging, presentable and enthusiastic co-workers. I think the co-worker environment really adds to the experience of my work.
  • I use my hand sanitizer (I have plenty now, ahaha) when I want to sanitize my hands but also to help ground me.
  • I feel like I’m tiptoeing and walking on eggshells–afraid that someone is going to ask me to do something I’ve never done before and that I’ll fail or be fired for it. I guess, I feel internally based pressure. Like I’m supposed to do something a certain way but I either forget (which happens a lot, I have to repeat things for hours on shift in my head so that I remember to go back and do them (writing it down helps, too)) or I haven’t done it before or I have to ask someone else.
  • I lack confidence. Even though I AM a staff, I look to others for approval. I’m uncertain in my speech and body language. I don’t have a good idea of what script I should be using. I get better when I observe my co-workers and add in their perspectives to my own work.
  • I’m not versatile enough. I don’t tune my approach to kids based on each kid. I have been able to discover that I CAN be stern and not, demanding, but something similar to that. So when I need to, I can. It’s just it takes me a lot longer to get to that point.
  • I have instincts that I observe but 95% of the time I don’t voice them.
  • I wait for others to lead rather than taking the lead myself. (This will come with experience, in fact, most of this will!).
  • I work best one to one rather than juggling all the tasks of multiple kids and situations occurring.
  • I don’t know how much the kids respect me, to be honest. I think I flounder when I’m rarely alone with them.
  • I ask, not tell. “Can you do…?” “You okay?” “Which X would you like to use?” etc. I basically don’t tell them what to do, I ask them what to do. Which isn’t super helpful.
  • I have a soft, dainty approach. I’ll likely never be as stern as Devern, my co-worker, my supervisor said and there’s a time and place to be less stern, that I can make it work for me either way, and that some kids will gravitate more towards me if I have that approach
  • I struggle a little with group groups because I talk more than I’m meant to, ahaha.
  • I don’t like, and I’ve been this about other jobs before (P2P mainly), being overseen by a higher up because it freaks me out and I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong and I don’t know, I’m not sure what the fear is there. But I feel like I’m trying to be careful but probably over-compensating. Like I feel I need to make more of a good impression, you know?
  • Trying not to take things personal is interesting. A few times I’ve let it roll off of me, but I also don’t deal a lot of with this, either. I think. Hm.
  • I’m afraid of getting MAP certified and having that level of responsibility (so I’ve been avoiding it) as well as the driving on off-grounds, which I still haven’t done, but am worried each time that that’ll be the day to. :/
  • I need to review more of my notes and the restraint stances (something I’ve not been reflecting on, etc.)
  • TO EVEN OUT THIS LIST: Here are some of my strengths. I bring to the table more knowledge about coping strategies, breathing techniques and grounding techniques. I can validate. I can recognize where I’ve gone wrong, when I have, and work towards correcting it. I’m nurturing. I’m polite. I’m still learning. I improve daily (although I don’t work every day). I recharge. I’m able to have perspective. I like the cleaning the kitchen type stuff, let’s me think for a bit. I’m getting more and more used to the routine. Even when I have a tough shift, I look forward to coming back and trying again. I stick with my tasks and see them through. I’m persistent.
  • Also, if I’m having a particular anxious or hard time I remind myself of the estimated time commitment I’ve made with this particular job. It’s not my end goal and that helps to ease my mind a bit. Remembering that there’s more I want to do and one day I’ll get to do them. 🙂


And honestly?

I think that list is plenty fine. Yeah, I just needed to get that all out. I have a LOT of work to do, as can be seen through this outpouring of words. But I’ve picked up another shift during the school week (they moved me from Fri evenings to Sat evenings) so that should help get me more exposure and building up the rapports with the kids.

All right, that’s all I have for you guys for now.

If you want to be extra fancy:

You guys remember Recovery Home, right?

Check out my featured column on the Oddball Magazine all about it! The Prologue. 🙂 This article is an introduction to what Recovery Home is all about as well as background on myself and yeah. Give it a read and leave a comment!! 🙂 ❤

I will be writing Chp 1 this week. Comes out bi-weekly! I also hear I’ll be getting paid on Fri, whoo.

Okay, I do have to go now though. I hope that you appreciated this blog post, even if it was only to see me rag on myself about how I’m doing things, ahaha. I definitely have LOTS to improve on, and I have to trust the process that it’ll all work itself out soon. Are there particular things that you struggle with in your career? What helps you move past them?

Again, it’s not necessarily “good” or “bad” for me to have such a distinct difference between who I am in two different settings. It’s natural to compartmentalize ourselves depending on who we’re with or where we are. I still get my work done even when I’m faking it til I make it. I stick to my tasks and see them through. I think, if nothing else, this is very fascinating and the biggest difference happens when I get home from work and hug Mokeys and just…re-enter my sphere again. It’s interesting, I think.

Any who, I’ll let you go, now. 🙂

Hope you have a wonderful weekend/mid-week ahead!!!

❤ ❤ ❤


Since My Disappearance…

Life Update Thumb

This blog post is brought to us all by the shuffling songs of my main iPod’s playlist “Other Songs”. (We’re currently starting out with ‘Landslide’ by Fleetwood Mac, which is a lovely random choice that I equally love and appreciate).

So, uh, it’s been almost 2 months since my last blog post–and even then it was an old school article so maybe even a few weeks before then was my last official blog post.

Sorry about that!!!

Having Twitter (and even then, I haven’t been super active there in the last week) has erased some of my desires for blogging and I also feel that with all the art juggling I do these days that it just kinda pooped out. I guess I’ve been looking at blogging as I have been reading a physical book: I want to do it but the task is so huge and daunting and requires so much effort that I just avoid (Internet addiction AKA the Deep Dives on Youtube) and distract and get busy otherwise.

Speaking of art:

There was one week that I actually uploaded a video to my Youtube channel each day. And I’ve been writing LOTS of fanfics (largely just for my mental health conditions AU called “Distorted & Disordered”) which is something I have yet to completely talk about on my blog as that landed in Part 2 for all about my fanfics post. (Part of the reason I’m sure that I’ve been avoiding blogging especially for the projects posts ideas too).

But yeah, it’s been a while.

Today I found very old book reviews that I want to share with you guys soon. Life has been okay.

I actually meant to even blog last weekend (not this past one but the weekend before) because Galaxy my second Chinese hamster passed away, sadly. April 13th. Mocha’s knee has been bad again and she hurt her other back leg on Sat, we don’t know how or from what, and that made my weekend more depressing and somber. But I wrote and edited and uploaded a new chapter for D&D so that’s good.

I also got re-trained for NAMI’s Peer to Peer mentor class (as in, I’m re-trained to teach the course for others living with mental health conditions). This past weekend I listened to creepypastas as I reorganized and renovated my room. (Tidying, light rearranging etc.) I also tossed out some clothes that I’m not going to wear and put aside the winter clothes. This coming weekend I will switch over to my summer clothes. 😀

Avengers: Endgame is coming out this weekend! Super excited about that. I’m a little tired right now but I’m okay. I’m surviving, if nothing else. I’ve been reading “Pet Sematary” by Stephen King and I’m thankful that I finally found some of my really old book reviews because the one for “The Ritual” by Adam Nevill was presenting large amounts of problems (it took me an hour to find it) but I finally did so that’s what counts. Guess I just have to set aside all the frustrations I was having about not being able to find it XD

Sometimes I’ve colored too. I actually got super behind in my journaling and 5YJ. I still have to make up over a month of that, not too excited or happy about that though.

One of my bracelets broke this morning so that kinda sucks. I also have about 15 books out from the library at the moment. I’m practically drowning in books that I find it difficult to get back into. I’m okay once I’m engaged but ugh it sucks.

Still going to program 3x/week. I’ve hung out a few times with friends since we’ve last spoken. Listened to lots of music. Doing the DBT-I homework. Laughing. Enjoying myself. I got a thank you card recently and a gift card for Dunkin Donuts which was nice. Sending emails, doing LOADS of NAMI IOOV’s (I did like 5 in the span of 3 weeks). I have commencement happening at the end of May 2019. Gotta go up to get my cap and gown on the 13th of May, because I also want to decorate my cap and they’re having the party for that that day, yay!

The trees are flowering and blooming so I’m hoping to get some photos taken this week.

Also, speaking of photos, I have two photographs that I’m printing largely (not sure where yet) to be exhibited in my town’s library. More on that later (like a future post/the going’s on’s of that).

I was able to attend a job interview even though I didn’t wind up with the job (which kinda sucks) but since then I still have to edit my resume and start applying more.

For now, I guess that’s about all. Just doing a lot, keeping busy, all that jazz. I have to go eat dinner now but it was fun, I guess? I know I just have 110 pages left for me to read and I want to get some old reviews done for you guys. I’d also really like to re-engage with the community here more although I don’t know when I’ll have the time to do that exactly.

My Mom’s home, time to go.

Hope you’ve been well! Let me know in the comments how you’ve been and all that jazz. Honestly, I’d like to chat with you peeps again and I wouldn’t be surprised if I re-decorate my blog again too.

Until next time; stay safe!

❤ ❤ ❤

PS A couple weeks ago I thought about creating a new thumb for Documentary Reviews, TED talks, and other miscellaneous material, what do you guys think about that?

The Lost Art of My Photography Part I

Weekly Photo Challenge #1: Surprise & Daily Prompt ~ Climbing

Because I can’t be bothered to make two separate posts for the daily/weekly prompts.

I’m feeling off. And what do I do when I feel off? I guess I blog. I try to self-soothe. I listen to music on my iPod. I try to do something different. Or maybe I wallow in my gloom and doom, (just not with suicidal thoughts) remarkable, I know.

I think I may have lost the art of my photography. This coming from the person who just picked up the camera again today after at least two months away from it. And months previous had gone by, too. Well, maybe just a couple. And then a couple before that and before that…. sigh.

I did a small shoot with some cherry blossoms (or what I think are cherry blossoms, more accurately said) but wasn’t that into it (Easter Sunday fucked up my doggy day plans.) I did a larger shoot in the afternoon but I’m not that happy with it either. Some technical difficulties as in, I wanted a photo of my full body but in detail (and focused!) but it didn’t work out that way. So it was a lot of annoyance that I couldn’t get the ideas in my head out onto the camera.

But I have pictures to share anyways, a few of the gems that I think made it out from the shoot. I wore this fancy white dress I have with silver sequins on it, tried out my fancy lantern, and one of my masquerade masks. And pictures of my face. All of them. XD

I will also share some photos from long ago. And what the current theme of my blog belongs to as well. 🙂

Let’s get started!

IMG_1967 - Rocky 2

The current header of my new blog theme. 🙂 From Spring 2014

IMG_0636 --

What are the black&white curtains in the textual background. Thank you, thank you. From June 2014.

IMG_3513 --

The alleged ‘cherry blossoms’. A pretty generic and mundane photograph. If only I could actually wake up early in the AM to get the shots I want to get… April 2017

IMG_3515 --

This one is nice. April 2017

IMG_3519 --

Liked the lighting in this one. April 2017

IMG_3521 --

I really like the focus in this piece. April 2017

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The above slideshow is all photos I’ve taken today. Clearly, because I told you what I was wearing…geez, self, geez.

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The above slideshow from 2015.

I’d do more but it’s dragging on me at this point. I don’t know, maybe I’ll rediscover my photography art again, or maybe it was good while it lasted. I’m not sure how to move forward. Maybe for a while I will move backward, by uploading some of my favorite shoots and yes, I do take photos (that are artsy) of things other than myself. 😉 It’s hard to find models at times though, so I use myself in order to help out. However that also means some photos are emotion heavy due to emotionally tough times. That likely requires its very own section.

Any who, I’m going to try and read now.

Thanks for sticking around. ❤


Brief update with Raquel, here.

I got out of the hospital again on Monday and am heading back to school again tomorrow, as my first day back in essentially two weeks (since I’ll actually go to classes this time).

You may have seen some aesthetic changes to my blog–that’s because I needed something different for a while as we move forward back towards the direction of what this blog was made for. 🙂

I still have to pack up my stuff for classes tomorrow so I’ll be getting involved in that soon. Ooof, I’m super tired.

Any who, that’s about it for right now. I figured I could update even just a smidge so you guys aren’t totally in the dark. 🙂


Look forward to writing up new articles and sharing artwork with you guys, as well as going back to do gift art for peeps! So if you’re interested in the latter, send me an email at my NEW email:





Thanks everyone! ❤ ❤ ❤ xxxx

Tailored IOOV UMB Presentation Guidelines

IOOV UMB Prep Work #2:


My name is Raquel Lyons and I’m a 23 year old Psychology major, one credit away from being a senior at this university. I’ll be graduating next fall semester.

I am an avid artist–anything from scrapbooking, drawing, watercoloring, painting, creative writing and photography.

Speaking of Photography, I’m also President of the Photography Club on campus and we are thriving in activity this semester–which is awesome!

I am also a paid writer for the Mass Media this semester, which is our school newspaper, by the way.

I also just love the Marvel Cinematic Universe, fan fiction (including writing some of my own) and I’d love to dress up as Loki for Halloween this year–it’s my third year of wanting to!

I’m currently taking three courses this semester: evolutionary biology, psychological trauma and a drawing class. I come to school MWF, commuting from about an hour away. I have a Chinese dwarf hamster named Nova and a passion for blogging!

And, my soul is totally the color of the rainbow with sparkles and a bright white light that causes traffic accidents worldwide 😀



  • Age. Major. Year.
  • Artist
  • Photography Club President
  • Paid writer for Mass Media
  • Marvel
  • Loki for Halloween
  • Classes this semester
  • Hamster
  • Color of my soul

Dark Days:

My dark days lasted from December 2014 to March 2015. Even though they were the times I struggled dearly, they also began my recovery journey.

You see, in fall 2014 I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder on self-harm and suicide obsessions.

By the winter break I was diagnosed with secondary depression. I still recall the moment the depression came over my eyes–it brought with it the sense of desperation so strong that suicide became a logical, reasonable answer to end my life.

I was then consumed by compulsions and obsessive and depressive thoughts about self-harm and suicide. I made multiple suicide plans over the course of my dark days, and just six days after the onset of the depression, I tried to kill myself for the first time on campus.

Fast forward to spring 2015. I was just like any of you–a student, a friend, a fellow classmate–except that I was actively suicidal. I didn’t show up to many of my classes because I would be too busy  trying to kill myself in the bathroom twenty feet down the hall, or scratching myself when I didn’t believe my own emotional pain was serious, or because the moment I stopped moving, I wouldn’t move for several hours.

I thought that the worst it got was in March 2015 when I was picked up by ambulance from the counseling center after revealing my dire suicidality and volunteering over my acquired suicide method.

However, while that experience DOES stick out in my mind, those dark days are farther behind me.

My most recent dark day happened last Wednesday. I took an overdose in the morning. My brain told me that it wasn’t considered a suicide attempt if I was only trying to find relief.

The day before I had expressed dismay as to why I had been given the OCD. It isn’t my fault that I deal with it and I certainly never asked for it, so why was I dealing with it?

I just wanted to find relief. I was tired of living with the OCD, and part of me wanted to die. I knew that I could act on my thoughts even if I didn’t entirely want to act on them. I felt that I didn’t want to live a life with the OCD and be in pain anymore. I had reached my limit and I was done, and I was ready to give into the plans upon plans of suicide my brain repeatedly kept informing me about, against my will.



  • December 2014 to March 2015: Dark Days duration
  • Fall 2014 diagnosis
  • Winter break depression
  • Moment depression began: hopelessness, nothing would ever work, nothing was working
  • Constant thoughts/obsessions on suicide and self-harm.
  • I tried to kill myself on campus
  • Spring 2015. Good paragraph, read this bit. Like any other student but actively suicidal and actively scratching myself in nearby areas
  • Missing classes due to not being able to move
  • March 2015 picked up by ambulance from counseling center
  • Memory sticks out but most recent suicidality day deserves to be mentioned
  • Last Wednesday
  • Overdose, only “relief” seeking
  • Why do I have OCD?
  • Tired of living with the OCD. Wanting to have relief. Not wanting to live with the thoughts about suicide any longer. Could act on them even if didn’t want to.


For me, acceptance is an ongoing process.

I’ve come to accept that the OCD is something that I will live with for the rest of my life. I don’t tend to think about it like that too often though, as it tends to bring up thoughts of suicide and desperation for me.

I have also come to accept that in the future if I become unsafe, I may need to go in for another hospitalization. I’m trying to think of it now as what a person with say, diabetes, might need to do if their blood sugar levels get whacky. And really, it’s no different.

One of the biggest factors I’ve stumbled across only now in my recovery is the stigma related to OCD and self-harm/suicide. I’ve heard more stigmatizing comments this year than I ever recognized before. I’ve heard people around me say:

“I just killed myself studying”

“The weather has been so bipolar”

“(about one of my positive coping strategies) Isn’t that a bit childish?”

“Those balloons are soooo OCD”

“(speaking about people inpatient units) They’re “crazy””

“Insert any type of suicide joke here” and so forth.

The heaviest material that I will bring forward now is also what my first reaction tends to be: It makes me want to kill myself. Hearing stigma makes me not want to live on this planet anymore, because there are people out in the world who belittle and make my struggles the punchline of some ignorant joke. I’m still waiting for someone to make an OCD joke around me just so I can bring up how funny suicide “supposedly” is to them. I can’t wait to deadpan that so hard.

On lighter material though, it makes me extremely angry. I’ve since been using that anger to propel me forwards into positive action: such as writing articles about mental health in the school newspaper. Such as becoming a mental health blogger and sharing my story. Such as bringing it up in conversation with the individuals, highlighting their new awareness of the words they use and how they may be directly or indirectly affecting those around them.

Besides stigma though, I find people have been very, very accepting and understanding of my mental health issues.

I’ve become a VERY open book about it. I’m so open now, I tend to joke that I’m just loose leaf. If someone is friends with me, and sometimes if they’re a stranger, and they ask me how I’m doing, I don’t tend to hold back. If I’m feeling like crap that day, I’ll be the first to tell them that. Honesty is a huge factor in my recovery journey, and something I hold quite dear.

Other than that, I also do my best in my full time job of punching the OCD in the face–because it’s fun! 😀

Does anyone have any questions?



  • Ongoing process
  • Living with OCD for life
  • Don’t think about too much
  • Treat mental health issues like diabetes, may require a check-up (hospitalization) again in the future
  • Stigma heard on campus
  • Examples
  • How stigma affects me (suicidality)
  • Anger
  • Writing for Mass Media
  • Blogging about mental health (recoverytowellness.wordpress.com)
  • People very accepting
  • Honesty
  • Openness
  • Punching OCD in the face


So, I was actually diagnosed with OCD at the Counseling Center in fall 2014, literally two years ago. At the time I was seeing a graduate student there.

In February 2015 I transitioned over to my current therapist who I saw twice a week for a year before dropping down to once a week.

I’m on two medications, one for the depression and one for the OCD. I recently went up on the one for the OCD as I was having more difficulties. Medication for me has played an important role in allowing me to do the behavioral work I need to do in therapy, and to help me cope with what I live with.

When I was suicidal last week, I was open to a random stranger who happened across me, and advocated for myself in asking them to walk me to the counseling center. For me, it’s always been that if I can’t ask for help directly (going to the counseling center) that I get help indirectly (telling someone else who will then bring me there).

I’ve learned DBT (describe) skills which are grounding techniques in the present moment, mindfulness (describe) and have used exposure therapy. The exposure therapy (describe) was tailored to me while I was at the OCD Institute for 5 weeks in November 2015.

I’ve also had four hospitalizations, my most recent being on September 16th this year, to keep myself safe.

I feel now that I’m at a different place in recovery than I was back over the summer, which isn’t the greatest of feelings but I’m hoping with time I’ll get stronger again and return to punching the crap out of the OCD (and radiating my badassery).



  • Counseling Center diagnosis
  • Therapist 2x/wk to 1x/wk
  • Medication
  • Indirectly getting help
  • DBT (describe)
  • Mindfulness (describe)
  • Exposure therapy (describe)
  • Four hospitalizations (+ recent one)
  • Different place in recovery, sigh.
  • Radiate badassery

Coping Skills

One of the positive coping skills I use I have dubbed Ink On Skin or IOS. This is where I draw on myself with pen (or watercolors) images, words, song lyrics or just have some fun coloring. I’ve used scented gel pens before which were particularly snazzy as they were glittery and I would get the smell of oranges wafted into my nose as I did the piece. I’m good with the smell of ink though, too.

Another coping skill I use is talking to people. Whether that’s Craig Bidiman on campus (CC-3-3407), my therapist, a suicide prevention hotline, or the counseling center, I try to keep myself open to resources around me and utilizing them, especially as of recent. When I feel I don’t particularly want to open up, I know that’s one warning sign for me and that I need to open up regardless. It helps me by allowing others to know where I’m at and their help in acknowledging my pain and validating it.

Another skill I’ve been using has been to listen to my CL;MA playlist. These are songs that are related to recovery and suicide prevention and by listening to them more often in the past week I’ve been regaining my strength in this battle against my brain and living the life I want to live.

Other positive song lyrics that have helped me include:

“There’s more life left to go”

“I believe that you’re gonna be all right, I believe that I’m gonna be all right, I believe that we’re gonna be all right”

“You matter more than all the stars in the sky”

“It gets better in mind please just keep that in mind, don’t break more inside”

“The sun is rising, the night can only last for so long”



  • IOS
  • Reaching out to people
  • Hotline, Craig, friends, counseling center
  • CL;MA
  • Song lyrics examples
  • Dogs

Successes, Hopes & Dreams

Some of my successes, hopes and dreams include:

When I buy my first house, I want to paint my front door a dark green and create a pastel yellow, pink and green iris on the front of it. I also want to create some cool quotes and other uniquely positive and inspiring doors throughout the rest of my house. And to have a snazzy mailbox.

I also want to incorporate this idea I crafted over the summer about a #RecoveryHome and utilize that imaginative place through artwork and physical objects in this world and incorporate that more into my life and my future home.

Blogging has been additionally helpful for me and I want to continue doing that as it helps me to reach out to other people struggling with mental health issues as well as offering my story with the world. In fact, sharing my story at all has been a huge help. Such as doing these IOOV presentations, which I’d seen my first one when I was on your side, sitting as a student in an abnormal psychology class. It really had inspired me and gave me some hope to hold onto when I headed into my dark days.

I want to graduate next year, go on for my master’s to become an LCSW and do a TEDtalk about my recovery and mental health experiences.

I create fabulous artwork, and I like making positive messages for people and giving them out. The most I gave out in a month this year was 69.

I hope to inspire others on sharing their own stories and by working with NAMI thus far, I’ve come to establish a sense of purpose in my life. Lastly, when you go to the store and you see all those different types of socks–big ones, small ones, plaid ones, bright neon ones, polka dots, and more…just remember that like that plethora of socks options, there are many options in life as well.



  • Front door
  • #RecoveryHome
  • IOOV Inspiration
  • Blogging
  • TEDtalk
  • LCSW
  • Graduation
  • Artwork
  • Positive Messages
  • Options in life


Hey guys! I’m super exhausted, I had an 8am IOOV Presentation today at UMB (my first time at my school!!) in which I had to get up at 5am to make so I’m pretty bleary eyed and zombie brained at the moment. I’ve got the OCD support group tonight and a biology assignment I have to make up shortly so I have to gather my strength and keep going. I figured I’d share what was my guiding material from the presentation today 🙂 Enjoy!


Stay safe and awesome peeps!

It’s been a while…

…and it’s been quiet! Let’s break out of the silence like some badass motherfuckers, shall we? 😀

So, it’s been almost two–okay a week and a half–of school. It’s going well! I got that limited amount of sleep but survived the day last week, and you guys got a (re)framing Friday out, too! Yippee!

I’ll have a late one this week, as I’ve gotten sidetracked a few times today with the OCD >_> and just thinking about the past and stigma and what I may want to say about that in my psych class some day soon (when we cover that material).

Photography Club had its first meeting yesterday!! (Wed) It went swimmingly and it felt really, really good getting back into being the President role of the club and leading a team of photographers around XD ^^’

I recently had a lapse with scratching myself on Monday, eeps. And I got unfortunately triggered from a classmate on Friday last week. But it’s worked out now.

I did an application for this opportunity regarding the JED foundation today, so that’s snazzy! I’ve been filling out my planner — proposed schedule in pencil and actual what happening’s in pen.

I have my first biology quiz I didn’t really prepare for tomorrow D: I should squish in some of that before I go to sleep in a few minutes. My drawing class is fun–tiresome but fun. MWF’s are going to be long ass days for me.

I got a new word limit count for my Mass Media articles (800 max).

I should actually take a picture of my first drawing for class so I can show you guys later… good idea, self.

I have higher hopes for this weekend and getting work done more ahead of time than what I’ve been outputting lately.

I’ve been thinking about you guys and some of your comments you’ve left in the past.

I have to still do some book reviews.

I feel like the ‘perplexed’ daily word prompt has been done before…. O_o

My Mom bought me this fancy sound machine (it has a white noise option and that makes me feel like a professional :D) and the ocean one has been putting me out to sleep successfully each night. 🙂

I should head out for bed, packing for tomorrow and some minor studying.

But, I hope this has been a lovely update! I really want to thank you guys for being so snazzy and awesome and for some of my new followers!! Seriously, you guys rock. ❤ 🙂 I’ll make some time for more blogging this weekend, folks.


Stay safe!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤


Motherfucking A



First, let’s just admire that title, shall we? *admires fondly*

Second, guess who got an A in her stats class? 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 MEEEEEEEEE! Lmao.


Third: Finished my THIRD book in the last three days, woot woot! You guys are gonna get blasted with book reviews this month, as I’ll probably be behind them, and already am, in a way D:

But yeah.

I’m getting a massage tomorrow, yay! And school starts Sept 7th! FINALLY. I’ve been so bored lately, gwah! Not knowing what to do without my course D:

Anywho, I will say I have scheduled posts up until Monday. So, expect me to me talking, even if it was talking from today set up for days ahead. ^^

Well, I guess I’ll go read or eat or something.

Shortest update, ever. MARGH!

So many books to read, so little time. Son of a bitch it’s September! I need to update my planner D:

GASP! I have to make my fancy class schedule thing. I MUST PREPARE FOR LE SCHOOL. I should scrapbook. Oh hot damn. So much to do.

I’m excited. 🙂

❤ ❤ ❤

Another Life Update

🙂 Yup, just another life update post!

So, for one, I’m feeling a little bad that I’ve been neglecting Nova and cleaning his cage (it’s been like a week and a half, and I should be cleaning it once every week) so tomorrow HAS TO BE the DAY that I clean it for him, ’cause it is pretty smelly in there and he deserves THE BESTEST not the least amount. :/

I’m thinking the next couple of weeks plus into the fall semester I’ll give myself a day in the week set aside to cleaning his cage each day. :3 Maybe on a Tuesday.

I have pictures of my notes to share with you peeps–a way of saying, heyyyy, been busy and this is what I’ve been up to! XD

The first two pages are all my formulas I may need for my Stats final exam (which is on Monday August 22nd–so you can imagine what I’ll be up to the next few days :P), with the second page having a little guide of what page numbers go to what documents (a way to keep myself organized) and then the last page is what we’re expecting to have on the final, my own self reminders and my anticipated schedule for studying. I’ll include that page larger here:


Tomorrow I’m going to be working on the practice final, doing a study group with fellow classmates likely in the early evening, some SPSS on the computer and writing out examples of the problems on each of my extra pages. 🙂

I also want to get up the written notes of my 2 book reviews since the books are due on Saturday. If I can get those two reviews up by next Wed that’d be great, too. I have another book I’m already starting on now too 🙂 And I have quite a few more I want to go through before the fall semester starts (which is on Sept 7th).

Ooo! There was an estate sale my Mom and I went to today and I got this cute cat puzzle and some books and a fancy painting! 🙂 I’ll take some pictures later and show you guys when I get the chance too.

I also want to do a couple of the daily prompts if I can later this weekend.

Plus share artwork. And do tomorrow’s alliteration day. 🙂 And maybe some bonus stationary.


Annnnd that’s about all, I think! I can’t think of anything else… so, I’ll probably come by tomorrow, and until then, wish me luck with the rest of the next 4 days for studying!! XD


❤ ❤ ❤ Stay safe and self-care! 🙂

Peer to Peer Course in Plymouth MA | Contact if Interested

Hey guys!

So I just got an email message in my inbox that if some of you happen to live in MA are interested in, I’d love to share with you! I don’t think it’s quite right for me to publish the attachment on here since it can go globally, but if you are across the globe and would like information about ideas of bringing something similar to your town, send me a message at my contact page, too!

For those of you who happen to follow me and live in MA too, there’s a great opportunity to learn more about recovery and build your recovery journey from mental health issues starting Thursday Sept 8th 2016 from 6:30 – 9:00p. Again, it’s in Plymouth, and if you’d like more information, send me a message!

I think it sounds like a fantastically AWESOME opportunity and I’m going to be trying to jump on board with it myself, as I have classes MWF only this coming semester so I’ll have free time on those TuThs and should be able to commit to something like this. I don’t know, I think it could be fun and great and that’s snazzy. Plus the flyers look hella awesome.

Just wanted to toss that idea out to some of you, in case you follow me either on WP or not, if you keep up with this blog and if you happen to be in MA!


Again, just fill out my contact page or send me an email if you know it and I’ll fill you in with the deets! 🙂

It’s still early in the day so expect some posts out of me tonight! 🙂 I’m quite excited for tomorrow’s alliteration day and I have plenty of good news for you guys, too! 😀


Hope you’re swell and well!

❤ ❤ ❤

Public vs Private: How Open to be Online?

This is a question I’ve been considering more and more these days. One of my favorite pop tarts ran into some trouble with publicity and privacy and now I find myself questioning some of the same things.

Mainly, my birthday is coming up relatively soon and I’m not sure whether I should release that information of when my birthday is to you all on here. Especially for the rest of you that exist BEYOND where this blog reaches WordPress users.

I’m leaning more towards just blogging about my birthday without mentioning exactly WHEN that day is, maybe to some of my closer blogger friends I’ll mention it, but not to the whole LOAD of you out there. Don’t take offense, though. It’s just a matter of personal safety.

For instance, maybe shouldn’t have my first and last name online. Ah well. You don’t know my middle name though! NO ONE DOES BUAHAHA Not online technically speaking at least.

I mention what state I’m in, where I go to school, often to places sometimes that I’ve been or will be at, I have my name out there and photos of myself….it feels okay and right for right now for me to keep when my birthday really is more to myself than to you all. I’ve had it up before on my DA account and even though it looks REALLY weird without it there, I’ve taken it off for now.

Maybe things will change in the future but for right now, I’m weary (wary?) and unsure.

I also think I will keep my Mom and Dad and other siblings under my tongue for now, too. I.e not posting pictures of them, at least my parents, my brother’s already out there in the world too. Lmao

So yeah, I think that is what I’ll do. I’ll post about my birthday when it comes but I won’t mention explicitly when it is or anything. I notice I haven’t spoken publicly about my age yet on here anyways, which is just by chance. (let’s not calculate the alpha % of that right now, shall we?)

I don’t know, what do you guys think? I’d love to hear your thoughts and where you stand on the topic about what is too much information sharing and all that jazz.

For now, I’m going to cover up my tracks. If I change my mind in the future, well, I change my mind. Thank you for being understanding and listening. ❤ ❤ ❤