What are your favorite quotes? | #mentalhealthrecovery #hereforyou

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Hi again!

This post is going to be really short as I just downloaded some new music to my iPod for half an hour and I have to go into work very, very soon. I’m a little intimidated because I have Clinicals today, a diabetic training and a program meeting then soon after (I may get half an hour to five minutes to myself) I start my 8 hour shift. Luckily, I’ll get paid for all that time and clocked in before then but I’m not sure what cottage I’ll be in or how the shift will go, but I’m toying with an idea for a group with the little kids and trying to take charge a little more and be more present.

Any who, I thought this idea would be interesting!

I remember years ago I linked mental health related quotes on my blog and that went well so I’m thinking maybe on Friday this week I’ll do another updated round of that. I have a few books I can also refer to about it (both mindfulness books, one new!) as well as just images and quotes and even some original Canva creations that I can do about all of them/that, so I’m excited!

So, down below, share in a comment or a tweet with me or a DM what your favorite quotes are? What are your favorite jars of inspiration? Motivation? Recovery? Goals? Dreams? And then we shall see what we all come up with by the end of this week!!!

Sending light, love and an infinite supply of rainbow lighthouses.

All the best,

— Raquel

xxxx

🌈🌞🌠💚💚💚

Welcome to My Tracking Systems Reception! | Part 1

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Why hello there young Reader, and don’t you worry by the title because you don’t have to go very far!! I am bringing this special reception to YOU on this post, on my blog. My hope is that this post will inspire you in some manner or give you some further insight into how I do things to help track my moods, thoughts and behaviors many times daily, and some weekly, or at least to get some kind of daily/weekly blend that turns monthly, even, too.

So, sit back and enjoy the sights because this is the first time I’ve done photography in a very long time and it’s to show you guys all of my tracking objects with some examples tossed into the mix, too. A beautiful blend of narration (so to speak!) and photo visualization. Welcome aboard!! And, if you’re so kind, please leave me a comment at  the end of what step was YOUR favorite or what you’d like to see from me next or what type of tracking and engagement you do in your own life!

Let’s begin!!

**As of working on this post into the evening of May 7th, I’ve decided to section it off into 3 parts because there are 9 tracking systems so this will end the first part today and over the next two weeks I’ll write up and publish the last two parts. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and hopefully you enjoy this read! 😀 I’ll see you at the end. ❤

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OBJECT #1:

Calm the Chaos Journal

Photo taken by me on May 7th 2020. ❤ I used my new large origami paper for the background. I tried to be fancy for these photos and got to use/share my paper stars, too!! Something to feast your eyes and look forwards to ahead from here! 🙂

Began: January 2020

From: My individual therapist from my day program, Passages. She wrote this note at the start of it:

Contents & Set-Up: This journal begins with a necessary and optimistic promise of what the reasoning and meaning and purpose is lay hidden behind the idea and notoriety of this particular form of journaling. It’s a great journal to set about self-care goals and an assessment of the present day through a multitude of factors, with well-fitting spaces to write in, and a goal section for the following day ahead. The prompts are scattered well enough that it never becomes monotonous in the daily grind.

For instance, I will have photos in the visualization section for you all to get a sense of the journal, as well as laying it out deliberately and expertly here in written form.

On the “Today…” section there are questions regarding how self-care was performed by the Writer: sleep, bodily movement, something fun or pleasurable just for the Writer, taking time for meditation or reflection, ate nourishing food, went outside for fresh air and other.

Continuing on this section, is an act of kindness performed for someone else, the most memorable moment of the day for the Writer, and a small gratitude for the day.

On the “Tomorrow…” section there are 15 varying prompts that change every 5 days. Some of this variety may be seen in the photographs below. They are different little sections prompting: what goals you have for the day ahead, courageous conversations that need to be had, things to let go of, priorities, intentions, to-do’s, the day’s purpose, guiding mantras, etc.

Visualization Examples:

Snapshot from early January 2020.

Mid-February.

Most recent, from last night.

 

How Much is Left: 1 Week’s worth of entries

This journal is made by: Nicola Ries Taggart

Estimated Price: $15.00

My Pitfalls: As with this object and many of my other Tracking Systems, I fell off tracking between the entirety of March, half of February and some of April 2020. I was able to restart from the present day rather than trying to go back and fill in old entries (meaning, if my last entry was 2/27, and I fell off until March 8th, I began again just onwards from March 8th). Sometimes if I was only a day behind I made the notation: “nd for next day” and carried on from there. So with my falling behind I wrote in it for the months of Jan (almost each day completely save for 3 days I missed), half of Feb, the end of March, half of April and all of May.

My Recommendation Score:

If you’re someone who wants to improve their level of self-care practices and be motivated and inspired to handle this level of tracking, I’d highly recommend it, if for little else than prioritizing the day ahead, embracing the successes of the day itself, and for a reference point/snapshot of the past to look back on and improve or replicate into the future.

My score?

7/10

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OBJECT #2:

“Stay Magical” ~Daily Goal System

A great sized stationery pad of goal setting wizardry!

Began: ~April 20th 2020

(A couple sheets covered multiple days for reading goals)

From: TJ Maxx

Setup: So at the very top of the pad of paper is the phrase “Stay Magical” with stars in a silvery rainbow surrounding it. At the middle of the bottom edge of the page is a white unicorn with rainbow hair (always nice). The first left box says “Your Dream Goal”, the bottom left says “Reach for the Stars” and the whole lined with boxes right side says “Make your wishes come true” with the ability for you to effectively check off steps as they are accomplished. 😀

Visualization Examples:

This is today’s goal which is a lot more complicated and multi-faceted than most of my others. Some of the ones I’ve had include reading goals with set measurements (say 1/2 way through or read 20 pages) or have a good day at work by X means.

In this example I have said that I wanted to interact with blogging as well as do blogging which is a check for having been done. Read a book (not yet), and complete laundry (which I forgot about again).

In the other two sections I wrote little reminders to myself to help ease the transition of all the work I needed to do today or at least tried to do today and then on the right I added a general intention for my to-do’s.

How Much is Left: Just began; 80 sheets total, about 70 left.

Estimated Price: $5.00

Why Utilized? I began to utilize this new function when I created or recreated my Motivational Binder. In it I have a bunch of other tracking systems and it helped me to get my mind around factors I was trying to get back into, probably not surprisingly was returning and, in many ways, revamping my Tracking Processes. I started to do it the night before for the day ahead as a way to pronounce what I’d like to do the next day as per the encouragement and idea from my therapist, June. So, that’s what I’ve relatively been regularly doing, with some missed days here and there or goals that cannot quite be completed all at once or require a few extra days and ongoing maintenance to accomplish. 🙂

Pitfalls: Making more than one goal on it is a lot trickier to manage. I think I temporarily lost the reading one I had, that specific sheet, somewhere and now I can’t find it or figure out if it was the same one I found in the binder jacket or if it was an additional reading one. Damn. Also, sometimes it gets a little overwhelming or I miss tracking in other ways particularly on nights where I return home from work at Amaryllis. That is hard, too. I like to hand them up onto my whiteboard to pull it down again when I start my day and this helps, mentally, a bit, too.

Adding them to my Motivational Binder gets a little backlogged too because I have to hole punch them so I have a bunch at the moment that are loose and not yet inside my binder. 😛 However, it’s also the first working list/stationery pad that I’m utilizing more often than letting them sit in a box somewhere else in my room, ahaha.

My Recommendation Score:

7/10

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OBJECT #3: (Final piece for today’s post, see adjusted title as this is now a 3 part series!!)

My Journal

This is my current journal, it has a sparkly, glitter-y mess with bokeh and the phrase “Sparkle On” in script font. It took me forever to decide if I wanted to start the year with this one or a space panda or another journal from the stack I have in my room, ahaha.

Began: January 30th 2020

From: 120 sheet journal from Michael’s

Set-Up: This is a blank lined journal with a gray bookmark page holder. This is my first complete journal for the year 2020, with part of last year, maybe about 6 months worth fitted into my last journal. I do my best to complete this journal’s entries daily.

I write my therapy notes in this journal, I write my group notes from program in it, any time I need to make a little pro’s/con’s sheet, visualize something I need to work on and most often, about my day.

So I have this system within my systems of SotD’s which are Scores of the Day. On a scale of 0 to 10 I rate if my day was really shit and pants as a 0 (barely ever happens) and 10 being like upscale amazing, so good that I’m seeing rainbows and unicorns everywhere (which I have made a few times!!).

On average, I score an 8.

I decide these numbers based on my gut reaction to the question of how my day went. If the number 7 shows up more than 8, I write 7, or if I’m conflicted I’ll do a decimal point system (7.5 etc.).

Additionally, I hallmark this type of tracking the most in my planner–something I actually don’t think I’ve shared in a blog post before, at least the one that I’ve been using for 2019-2020. I have my 2020-2021 that will also be in a video soon but yeah, maybe I’ll include either a link or a photo to it when I get to that part of this blog post series (which is not today).

Anywho, back to the journal! I, OFFICIALLY, begin my journal with the day of the week, the month, day and year and then the time that I began writing. Then I move down and do my SotD and then I use these notations: TA for Today’s Accomplishments (sometimes, if I’ve fallen behind I’ll use YA for Yesterday’s Accomplishments or if it’s been a significantly long time from having fallen behind then I’ll just put the date of that day near it) and proceed in number format to write out my accomplishments and sometimes, although I’ve mostly discontinued it for the time being, I wrote out TN for Today’s Notes, like other thoughts or things to remind myself of from that day that don’t fit in as accomplishments. Phew! That was a lot, right?

Visualization Examples:

Photo taken in May of 2020 of a day from April 2020.

And another little glimpse of me just saying stuff at the very end of the journal entry:

I was particularly chatty at the end of this entry and feeling high maintenance for my tracking is just top-notch and a very me thing to happen. Ahaha.

How Much is Left: More than half.

Estimated Price: $5.00

Why Utilized? The best reason I have for doing this system is to keep and maintain, ideally daily, weekly then turning into monthly, a record of how I am doing. There’s something nice about quantifying an experience and getting out thoughts and feelings and, hell, sometimes behaviors, by tracking it down and looking back on it later.

True, I haven’t gotten to the part where I can look back on my journals and my writings and the things that come out of my skull and into my fingers and onto ink on paper, but, the biggest motivation I have behind it is to learn from what I wrote, have the power of perspective and to eventually, one day I SWEAR, make weekly catalogued video posts about them all. I don’t know, I just find it so fascinating to have a daily catalogue of my thoughts and how things were going and I think it really helps to mold my day together because if I don’t it’s almost like it didn’t happen, you know?

I want to film videos about them in the future, I still haven’t done it YET but I look forward to it. I wonder how I would structure that… hmm, I’d have to fiddle with it first,  I think. Maybe I’ll journal about it tonight, ahaha.

And in a lot of ways, this is like my handwritten journal that I can take stock of what I did that day, from the little accomplishments to the big ones, and it creates a record of some kind, maybe a little monotonous and needless to some people’s eyes but still a record all the same (although I don’t know how it would help anyone else out there, unless they wanted to visit my mind and what I valued in that day, ahaha). And in that record I can utilize all the things that I did even online that day that go into the log. 😀

Pitfalls: High-maintenance. It requires daily entries, me setting aside that time to do so, looking at my planner and my day and how/what I did hour by hour, scanned hour by hour more so, and what I’m thinking in that moment and just cataloguing my thoughts. Then if I get behind for a few days I have to go back and either skip them (which I hate doing) or just list them late and fill them in (which I try to do instead and will have to do over multiple mediums for this week). I personally like to start new days as new headings at the top and won’t fudge the timing very much if at all. Besides being somewhat high-maintenance though it does rely quite a bit on other tracking forms being completed so if I haven’t done that in multiple objects, then things get even shakier. Luckily this doesn’t happen TOO frequently.*

My Recommendation Score:

9/10

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*To be honest, I’ve gotten so used to my tracking systems, some that I’ve been doing for over 2 years, that it really is just part of my regimen before I go to sleep at night. Some things will come and go, that’s for sure, journals especially, but overall it helps me. If not in the present moment then definitely as a reference point back in time or a future video or content creation later on, hence this blog post, to be honest.

So what do my other tracking objects consist of?

Well, you’ll have to wait and see…

 

 

Nah, I’ll tell ya!

But I’ll tell you in CODE! :O (If you know my tweets you may know these answers sooner)

P, ST, DC, 5YJ, H., M., RB: this last one is only weekly–so it only slightly counts and doesn’t make up the main 9 that I use (it’s also new!).

Above all though, thank you SO MUCH for reading.

I hope that you enjoyed this post and got some further insight into my mind and if nothing else, what works for ME! Going forwards I do see myself incorporating new tasks into my regimen or daily/weekly cataloguing. (Think bullet journal and I’m Awesome, Here’s Why journal, which I JUST got).

Thanks again!!!!

What do you do for tracking, if anything at all? How does it make you feel and what works best in your system? Has this post at all encouraged or inspired you in creating or adding to your system? Let me know! 😀

 

xxx ❤ ❤ ❤

PS Who wants to bet that Twitter fucks up my main image for this post? XD

PPS You can also bet that tonight I’ll be jotting down the way I structured this post for future reference into the next week’s parts! ^_^

Why Are You So Kind?

Made on DesignCap–another graphic design website I will be reviewing. 🙂 ❤

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Your parents don’t fight. Your parents aren’t divorced. You’ve never been in the system… So you can’t understand. You’re not me, you don’t know what it’s like…. That’s probably why you’re so kind and compassionate, because you haven’t been through what I have….

—-  Anonymous

I was working at my job, Amaryllis, about a week ago. I picked up a couple of extra shifts with the holiday season going on, whereas I primarily and exclusively only work Friday’s.

It was after doing phone calls with one of the youth when the paraphrased discussion took place. I, of course, can’t go into the details of their history and their story (hell, it’s only theirs to tell if they so wish to) but I can talk about what this sprouting plant begged my attention for: why am I so kind?

How much of ourselves are a product of our family? Our environment? Our journey onwards?

It’s true that problems that occur in our childhoods can bleed and linger on into adulthood, I think anyone who’s been through trauma can tell you that.

And I think there’s a bigger question in play with this: how can one identify the root cause to why they believe in the good of humanity? The good of the world? That nice and good people out there exist? Let alone being one of those people, yourself?

I think it begs the question: people who go through traumatic experiences can react one of two ways (a bit all or nothing, I’ll admit): they can grow from it and be empathetic towards others or they can let it color their vision and take out their angry anguish out on the world surrounding them (and arguably, towards themselves as well).

Who decides which way a person will go? Who says? Who holds the key–the power? The control?

Again, I don’t really know the answer to these questions. I guess, in truth, I’m just someone asking them.

It’s said that we are sometimes born into vulnerabilities to certain conditions. That our environment can pull out additional vulnerabilities or mute others. That our family life may influence other characteristics and behaviors than we ever truly realize the full potential of. Sometimes the same two people who go through a traumatic event can still come out perfectly healthy or uniquely ill. But they both went through the same thing. So, what gives? Why did one person develop a condition and the other didn’t?

Again, unanswerable questions that could take years of ruminating and thinking on without getting much further than that.

All I know is that sometimes life gives us the shit stick.

We don’t ever choose for it to happen, it’s just handed to us. We’re expected, as per the rules of life, to figure out how we want to react to it. We do, inherently, control our own actions.

So, let’s circle back to the start of this conversation–moving beyond the why it’s happened and how it’s happened and instead focus on the concept of pain.

Here’s a pretty commonly used, easy to aggravate the person you’re coaxing into choosing life and choosing to “look on the bright side”:

“I understand.”

But do you? Do you really?

I think a lot of people forget that empathy exists. Sympathy is feeling sorry for another individual (something more at arms length away); empathy is feeling sorry WITH them, beside them, amongst them.

I think especially when it comes to trauma, tough family lives and general mental health or physical health conditions running rampant, that it’s easy to feel alone and easy to be upset and easy to think that no one else in the world knows how deeply you’re feeling pain.

And, maybe they won’t know. Maybe they don’t care to know.

But statistically speaking, that you’re the one human in the billions of years that the Earth has existed and that people have been alive for, that people will continue to be alive for, that you’re the ONLY one feeling as you do? It’s unlikely. That NO ONE has ever experienced similar pains before? Again, unlikely. (Also, this is probably just as invalidating so stay clear of this concept too).

The point is, I don’t believe someone has had to have gone through 100% the same thing in order to feel something for another human being. I think as humans, we are so diverse and different and individually made that we can never truly understand another’s experience. Not completely.

But we can understand a fraction of it. If we can’t know what it’s like to have gone through something, we can ask. We can look towards the individual and see how badly their pain is affecting them and from there, draw our own conclusions.

Remember:

“It’s not about how bad the situation is, it’s about how badly it’s affecting someone”

So, yeah, maybe no one will ever know 100%. Yet if they can know 50%? 80%? Would that change mean it all?

But, alas, I went on another tangent. I think it’s important to know what validation is versus what it’s not. The “I understand” card is a fickle creature. Not even using it as a starting point is good because people can get immediately defensive even if that isn’t what you’re trying to say. And sometimes it’s just as important, if not more important, to recognize that this is where the person is at in their life and to acknowledge how shitty that must be for them and that they can take the moment to observe their emotions, thoughts and physiological changes in their bodies and then, only then, dive into problem-solving and trying to “fix” someone else.

Because maybe we don’t have to fix someone. Maybe we can just say, “Hey, I see you’re suffering. That sucks. What can I do to help?” And if there isn’t anything or if they can’t think of anything, then just be there with them while the pain ebbs away, as it will naturally do.

So we return once again to this integral question:

Why are you so kind?

Because, it’s true: I’ve had a very supportive family life. An often validating and important family life. Even enabled to some respects. I didn’t grow up within the system, I grew up in a nurturing environment. I grew up in a steady paycheck household. Both my parents went to college and got their degrees. I grew up with a caring and dutiful, Spanish grandmother (who would smoosh spiders or ants with her hands, as ruthless as can be!). I went to my doctor’s appointments. Had surgeries. Went to school. Wasn’t so negatively impacted by bullies or anything. So what happened? What, what went “wrong?”

I don’t know, I don’t have a genetic predisposition towards mental health conditions. I don’t have any trauma that I’ve really been through. I barely skate across living with BPD.

All I know is that I went to college and the first few years were fine (all things considered) and then everything kinda snowballed out from under me. I was so creative back in the day, back in high school without mental health conditions, I was so creative with original characters and original works.

Then my mental health took a nose dive and I lost a lot of that, I still haven’t really gained it back, unfortunately. I’m not, I’m not even sure that I can get it back, sadly.

I began my recovery journey the most in 2015. I started on a round of medications. I had to learn what psychiatric emergency’s were. I self-harmed, I attempted suicide. I went to the hospital. I went inpatient. I went to the OCD-Institute for 5 weeks.

In 2016, I began my advocacy journey with NAMI MA and the newspaper. In fall 2016, I relapsed after 9 months out of the hospital. I dealt again with suicidal ideation.

In 2017, I was hospitalized 5 times (due most often to the suicidality, of course) the most in any year thus far. I was more unstable than stable during this time. I received ECT in September to cope with the many symptoms I was experiencing that was making my life utter, utter hell.

In 2018, I relapsed again, this time with depression. I experienced my darkest ever days. I started at a day program. I started DBT-Intensive there. Slowly, I came out of it.

In 2019, near the very end, I’m almost 2 years free from the hospital. I’m more stable than not every day. I use my DBT skills daily to upkeep my recovery–often in more ways than I truly realize. I’ve taught a Peer to Peer class. I’ve been on a podcast. I’ve been making Youtube videos, tweeting and growing my audience in multiple sites. I’ve been actively updating and writing fan fiction. I walked for graduation back in May. I got a job. Everything is looking up. (And when I have a  bad day at work, I can see it as a bad day rather than a bad job or a bad life. I can separate a lot more than I used to).

So, why am I kind?

Maybe I haven’t been through the very same things you have.

Yet I know what pain feels like. I know what feeling alone in the world feels like. I know how tempting it can be to numb the hurt. I know how fast the brain can jump from helpful to unhealthy.

I know that I cannot take away your pain. And I know that I can ease the burden of it.

I know that my story matters. I know that what I’ve been through can help someone else.

And truly, if I could change it all?

I wouldn’t change a thing.

There’s an interesting take on living with a mental health condition that I’ve realized over the course of my journey: I can be just as valuable, if not more so, having had experiences with this that new opportunities can open up hundreds of doors for me than whatever is shut away.

Getting to where I am now in my journey has been a lot of hard work. I don’t intend to mess with that any time soon. I’ve made many, many strides. And I know what pain is, because I’ve been through it. And I know what freedom is, having come out the other side.

I’m no longer as plagued by my demons as I was before. My tolerance for pain has increased tremendously. When I struggle, hell, I struggle. But I’ve found the way through it. I’ve found the way to get through that pain.

Remember:

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

I’m kind, I think, because I choose to be. Because I choose to see the good in people, in the world, in mankind. I believe the best in others, and hell, yeah, that’s naive, but for the ones that doesn’t apply to, I choose to focus more on how those of us like myself exist too.

Because, yes the world is fucked up, painful, angry and misunderstood.

And there are still good people out there.

Because 50 people are assholes doesn’t negate or erase that 1 kind, kind individual wanting the best for everyone (and taking care of themselves appropriately).

I’d like to be that one. I’d like to be somebody. Someone to have changed something, for the better. Someone to have overcome adversity. Someone to have a voice, loud and clear. Someone to be kind to those I come into contact with and reach those whom I may not be able to knock on their door individually, one by one. I’d like to be a force to be reckoned with.

I’m kind because it matters. I’m kind because it’s who I am. I’m kind especially because I know how the simplest of gestures can mean the entire world when we’re deeply, deeply struggling.

Sometimes it’s enough to smile at a stranger. Give someone a hug. Give someone a card. Tell someone they’re courageous. Tell someone they are loved.

Because we never really know when someone else is gonna need to hear that. And sometimes if we wait too long, sometimes we lose that chance to ever get to say it again.

 

Stay safe, peeps.

xxx ❤ ❤ ❤

PS Music listened to in this crafted piece: “Somebody’s Someone” by Daphne Willis

PPS Related watercoloring piece I did back in 2016 that I’ve mentioned briefly before on my blog but hope to dedicate a proper post to in the future:

My 4 Recovery Based Projects. This Post: #RecoveryHome (2016)

**See this post here to check out my first project in this blog series: Recovery Restoration (2017)**

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Project 2: #RecoveryHome (born 2016)

Relevant past blog posts that discuss this particular project (including a couple of articles I had written about in my uni’s newspaper about the subject):

1. An article just about exploring and explaining #RecoveryHome (from Dec. 2016)
2. Week 1 of identifying RecoveryHome foundations (from July 2016)
3. Touching on the Workbook Idea (from April-ish 2018)
4. Where the idea began (from June 2016)
5. Day 1 of a daily post (from Nov. 2016)
6. Day 2 of a daily post (from Nov. 2016)
7. Day 3 of a daily post (from Nov. 2016)

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**Related photographs, as a reminder to myself, will be scattered throughout this post as well. This post will discuss the project itself, details that I’ve involved in previous blog posts (as can be originally found above), newer details, future plans for the project and logos for RecoverytoWellness. 🙂 ❤ Enjoy!!

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Watercolor drawing from my Sketchbook #2 created on July 18th 2016. It depicts a sign with two little birds on it that are pointing ahead towards where my #RecoveryHome resides.

THE ORIGINS OF THIS PROJECT:

The origins of my second project, titled #RecoveryHome, is really the first recovery based project that I had created way back in the day. As you may know, I created this WordPress blog back in May 2016. Later in Dec 2016 I created my Youtube channel (under the same name) after being inspired by another blogger turned vlogger who began to spread her sparkle and shine onto that platform.

As far as I’m aware, I distinctly recall struggling in June–whether that was in 2015 or 2016, I’m unsure–and beginning to take the reigns on my experiences with chronic suicidality caused from mental health conditions when I turned my focus away from the death and gloom of my brain and rather onto the light and sparkling rainbows that could co-exist in my mind.

If I was going to imagine and fantasize about dull, gloomy topics, then that meant I also had the ability to use my imagination for powers of good.

Thus, #RecoveryHome was born.

I suppose the effort is partially from acceptance and partially from artistic endeavors and partially advocacy and wholly about spreading positivity, recovery and self-expression. To hold both co-existing circumstances–to hold say, wanting to live and wanting to die–in the same vessel gives…more power to a person than we sometimes realize.

But I’d like to take in the negative while focusing more on the positive. So I began to build what my #RecoveryHome would look like (and have described in better terms in the links above)–there was no limitation to my imagination. If I wanted heart shaped skylights, I could have them.

Which is the second best gift of #RecoveryHome: being able to create in this reality versions, prototypes and creations from that imagined place. It’s borrowing the idea of creating a visualization so pure and descriptive that you’re in it, even if technically you’re not. That is what the #RecoveryHome do (purposefully grammatically incorrect, in the voice of ZeFrank from Youtube 😉 ). And the bonus? Being able to create art about it that conceptualizes the idea in further manners, so that your imagined place can find some physical sustenance in this realm.

My #RecoveryHome features a large house on the top of a hill. Below the hill are a goodie bag assortment of shops: a Barnes & Noble (because books and stationery-which is reason enough), the Target Dollar Spot (from back in the day, 2016 era, because nowadays their stationery housing is absolute shit), Michael’s (arts and crafts store), Bath and Body Works (because scents), a movie theater, and a Paper Store.

The streets in the town are of a varied assortment, some including but nowhere finished yet, “Lapse Circle”, “Relapse Boulevard”, “Hope Avenue”, “Cherry Blossom Way”, “Coping Lane”, “Life Worth Living Alley”, “Kill Yourself Road” (a dead end, because puns and this contribution is from the mental health conditions that live in a shambled, disarray, broken home upon this street, ew) and “Bloomingdale Cove”. “Life Worth Living Alley” is a golden walkway which sparkles in the sunlight. We can spend time at the Resources Reservation Park, to guide fellow travelers through their own potential pitfalls and struggles. The park features a platform from which I’ll interview our community’s resources, what they do and their role in all of our journeys. At the Community Center, I’ll ask questions to our community and receive responses to their views on stigma, advocacy and the outlets that exist within our world to promote mental health awareness.

Together, we’ll clear up misconceptions about suicidality and how to continue talking about it through the Say the Word Suicide presentations in the large, white building dedicated to all those who we have lost to and whom have struggled with suicidality. The building is a memorial and an avenue for change in our future.

Created from Summer 2016.

The trees that line the walkway towards my #RecoveryHome range from snowy winter-time, to summer to autumn. There is a large carved stone that says “Recovery Residence” at the corner. Then there’s the house of mine itself. There are heart shaped skylights upon the roof, a painted Fleur-de-lis of a pastel green, yellow and pink on the front door (of which the back interior to the house has the scrawled phrase “Your Life is Worth Living”), to the left of the property is a gazebo with flowers and fairy lights curling around the beams and to the right of the property is this world’s logo: a seven colored rainbow based lighthouse that serves to be a beacon to others who are upon their travels, fighting their way through the shadows and the dead trees to make it to better days ahead.

I hope that this description thus far has made everything click into place if you’re a returning reader of mine. Everything in this realm, in my mind, is connected. The logo I’ve traditionally created over and over is a part of this entire mission.

This piece, a watercolor, was created in March/April 2018. The slogan, for which my blog resides upon, is written out down below and the lighthouse, with all its colors, can be clearly seen.

It holds a special place in my mind and in my heart and, honestly, probably in my soul as well. There was something about color, about sparkles and glitter and sequins and rainbows that really popped out to me when I began my recovery journey. My original sketchbook went from blue and black ink to a flurry of color, bursting from the page and enlightening my world. The rainbow lighthouse serves this purpose too. Any time I see regular lighthouses now, I feel that they need a splash of color to them. 😀

Unfortunately, having such a concrete image in mind of what I want my logo to be–I don’t have the technology to create it digitally, thus I’ve resorted to a silhouette lighthouse in my Youtube channel videos or the shoddy photographs of traditional images. One day, hopefully soon, I can figure something out–even if it’s just a quick free trial of Photoshop or something (and if you have any ideas, pleaaaase let me know down below!). For now though, I create it with physical things I can reach out for now. But this story is far from over….

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THE GOAL:

Over the course of time, I’ve forgotten what my vision for #RecoveryHome was. I think that’s a pretty normal and natural thing to have happen. Sometimes our dreams collect dust for a while as we get busy with other things in our lives and we forget what hope and inspiration that was once brimming at the rim meant to us and in our lives.

I think most of my projects, hell my blog entirely itself, has fallen into that pitfall. But the goal of this project is that after I publish my recovery memoir (detailing through blog posts, old Mass Media articles, old DA journals, incidences of my own original work or mentions at least to fanfic endeavors and more) which will end with the projects I have in mind going forwards, that I will create a workbook for #RecoveryHome. The workbook will follow my template of creation with space for the reader to include and model their own.

Hell, if this project really gains traction, maybe I can include some other examples of others works. 🙂 That would be nice.

But yes, for now, I want to make it more interactive and I think a workbook will be helpful with that. I also want to write a fiction novel and other art-based projects with the theme of recovery from mental health conditions in mind. 😉

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THE DREAM:

I guess the big dream would be that I make something in contribution to the art world and if that’s too broad then maybe just the art therapy world and the mental health world and advocacy and recovery worlds. 🙂 It would be so amazing and cool to see what others create with my ideas. Hell, some things already kinda exist like it (using the house metaphor). I think it’d be really empowering and artistically inspiring. And people could paint their own stories with their sharing, which I think is especially inspiring and beautiful.

Especially if #RecoveryHome DOES become a workbook and I can sell some, which would be lovely, that I hope and dream it could be something nation-wide in America or even worldwide if we dream really big. 🙂 It makes me happy and smile just thinking about it. But I suppose I’m getting far ahead of myself, ahaha. Also, earning some money would be nice.

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LIMITATIONS AND CONDITIONS FOR THIS PROJECT:

Conditions: This will be mentioned a little more specifically in a section up ahead called “How much I can share online.”

Limitations: With my wavering attention span and the time it will take to build the home, the environment, the artistic inspiration, the publishing information, the memoir being written (at worst, I could do that second, honestly), the money being dished out (and hopefully brought back a smidge! I don’t work for peanuts! :P), the commitment of the project, the any involvement with other creators for the project and general life experiences and everything… yeah, it’s definitely still in the novice stage and there’s A LOT to be dealt with before it’s properly up and running. We shall see. I think I can start making some SMART goals about it in my planner though, especially after this post which will serve as the hubbub of the project in and of itself. Yay 2019!

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LOGOS SLIDESHOW:

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**These are made and used for my Youtube channel 🙂

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HOW MUCH IS SHOWN ONLINE:

Good, goooood question. I think if I want to create a workbook that will be gradually if not abruptly shown to the public, than that means I have to keep most of it under wraps. Which will be a challenge, but maybe if and when I gain more support around this project or my other ones, maybe that will be helpful and keep me accountable and allow for a success rather than a flop! But I’d imagine most of it needs to be private until it can be public. Which is why I’ve left some of the other posts linked above alone once I inevitably stopped working on it due to other extenuating circumstances.

Also, I’ve considered making like a Kickstarter on this project or some of my others. It’s a possibility!

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SMART GOALS FOR THIS PROJECT:

Oooof, honestly, I’m about an hour into this post but I need to do other things too, so I’m going to give myself some time to come up with some more specific SMART goals for this project on my own, but let’s say with a check-in in 2 weeks with a blog post telling you guys about where I’m at and any problems I ran into and maybe a mind map sharing if we’re all lucky. My planner is really well-equipped to handle this mission. 😀

So, basically, soon but not right now. 😉

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ESTIMATED TIMELINE:

Honestly? Not so sure. Maybe launching 2 years from now? Depending on various other factors, of course. Maybe I should watch that Shane Dawson and Jeffree Star collab/series to get some ideas on marketing and all that jazz. Worth a thought!

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ANTICIPATED COSTS:

I think creating the workbook itself (bound, with images, with text, etc.), any supplies for the prototypes in this reality for the concept, costs of the workbook themselves for others to buy, and like any payment for others if they contribute their own examples will all need to be taken under consideration. Time will be a cost, too. A necessary evil. 😛

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RELATED: RECOVERY PERSONAS:

Almost done!

So, along with #RecoveryHome, it’s ideal to create your Recovery self as well! If we’re going to describe in great detail what the terrain and tribulations of the realm will be it’s only natural to create your persona and what they look like, what they enjoy, their style and more. This is where my tagline on Twitter, Recovery Raquel, came into play in as early as 2016 but not officially until about 2017. My persona has her brown hair but the ends are dyed blue (something I aspire to in this life as well). Make-up is usually worn for her as well (unlike this reality). And essentially it would be Recovery X (whatever X is as your name). Recovery personas will have their own, upcoming project post themselves, so look out for that!!

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And finally….

RtW BUSINESS CARDS:

Maybe less so with this project, but most of my projects will leave behind my business cards in case others want to participate within the projects themselves. 🙂

 

And, honestly that’s the end of this post for now! I’m on a major time crunch, so here’s to hoping this long awaited blog post was worth it all in the end!!!

Thank you soooo much for reading and please do share this post around! And if you know any digital art software, let me knooooow.

Looking forward to a podcast I’ll be featured in ahead! I’ll make sure to write a proper blog post soon, too. I want to do some fanfic stuff during the holidays and read some books, watch some movies and get back to my roots. And work. Have to work too.

See ya!

❤ ❤ ❤

Thumb Thursday #7: Moving in the Direction of My Dreams

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Question: What do you do when you have different people’s opinions fogging up the windshield of your car?

Answer: I don’t know, I haven’t gotten that far yet.

 

So, I have the chance to do a proper life update slash blog snazziness post and I’ll be honest with you, I really, really don’t like this particular thumb (and I’m aware it’s no longer Thursday but I’m also aware that I’ve been trying to write this post for the last two weeks and it’s getting out of hand and I’d really like to just get this over with and move forwards–no irony intended–and onto my next round of thumbs and their subsequent blog posts) but I’m here and that’s what matters, I suppose.

I’m here.

I like this idea, this concept, of “being someone.” That sentence, that concept, just holds so much weight for me. I use it briefly here and I have an upcoming thumb just dedicated towards it and I really, really love it. It really empowers and inspires me.

And recently I’ve been inspired.

Actually, in more ways than one…

Yesterday I did my Create Day versus Consume Day blog post with its own new thumbs. That was really, really cool. It was so nice to get back into blogging for a bit, even if towards the end it was getting incredibly monotonous and dragging on and on (more indicative to myself that I needed a break but was too all or nothing about it that I wanted to finish before I lost track of the Muse and where it was taking me).

But still, I did it. 🙂

So, yes, I’ve been inspired in creating new things lately–Youtube videos, getting back into writing fanfics, graphic designing for flyers (if we’re lucky, I’ll include a slideshow for some NAMI related flyers for a Peer to Peer class I’ll be teaching in November (if you’re in the Randolph MA area, send me an email/message if you’re someone living with a mental health condition and wish to attend! It’s free!!!)), graphic designing for thumbs, blog posts, and more. A couple were painting/watercoloring some wood and just getting new art supplies. 🙂 Shopping and hanging out with friends, too! 😀

All trades pursued while undertaking trainings at my new job, which I’ve named Amaryllis, I finally have a code name for it! 🙂 Speaking of my job, I got the email early this week for certain that I’d be teaching the Peer to Peer class up in Randolph. It will be my first time teaching it and you know I’ve got to spend the next 2 weeks preparing and reading over and filling out all the binders and information since I’ve forgotten everything that went into it since I last got trained for it back in April 2019. XD

So there’s that.

But I’ll also be doing IOOV stuff too, here and there, so I officially have about 3 ongoing jobs. How I’m going to balance it all….heh heh heh, that’s the real challenge.

It’s gotten all in my mind in the last week about my dreams, my successes and where I want to be.

I don’t know if this will come as a shock or not but I really want to “be someone.” Again, we return to that theme. I want to be well-known and hopefully for the right reasons. I want to be a loud and proud advocate. I want my story to help others. I want my story to inspire others.

I want to go back to my roots–go out there and make a TEDtalk speech. I want to do maybe even public speaking as a whole. Maybe do some kind of motivational speeches. I want to use my story and my strengths and what I’ve gone through to help other people out there who may be struggling in silence. I want to remove the ugly tape stains that stigma leaves behind and I want others to help me do this process, the nitty gritty work, too.

I don’t want to be confined to a desk or, maybe even a laptop. I want to be like the next Kevin Hines just minus the intense suicide attempt. (Also, this is a good nudge to what next week’s topic will cover in Thumb Thursday, hint hint ;))

I feel much like an actress, unknown to the world around her: I feel like I’ve been waiting for my next big break. I’ve been waiting to be discovered.

And some things are falling into place.

There was a recovery based video filmed for Passages earlier this year, if you happen to remember that Youtube video I did about it or if I posted about it on my blog back in Feb this year…. That will be launching online soon. (I hope). I can probably even do like some type of reaction to it or something, if that’s something people would be interested in. Not sure how I’d film that though, but I’m willing to work with it!

I also want to do some more commentary pieces on this blog towards some of the things (like TEDtalks) that have inspired me, particularly the two that inspired me in the last week to even have any of these thoughts.

It’s like I’ve just been revived. It’s like I’ve just been rejuvenated. I feel all my dreams coming back into the forefront and I’m ready. I’m ready now. I’m ready to make them into my reality.

I really think that I can make a difference. I want to write a memoir, I want to write an art and recovery book, I want Recovery Home and Recovery Reinforcer and Recovery Restoration to become big time projects to help spread art therapy and recovery stories around the world. (Although I’ll settle for just MA for now ahaha). I want to be a beacon. I want to spread my positivity and kindness and compassion for others.

This all falls back to that one photo I took three years ago. I shared this story at program last Friday but I’ll refresh all of our memories now, too. A religion based club was doing a photo booth type thing on campus back in 2016 asking people who volunteered to contribute where they saw themselves in 5 years and what they’d be doing. They gave us a Sharpie to write it on our palm, took a photo and then put it up with all the others from other hands and other hearts and other lives that had been collected, so to speak.

This was mine:

I wanted to be sharing my story. I wanted for people to hear me. I wanted for people to see me. To see where I’ve been. To see where I’m at. To see where I’m going.

It’s how I ever started getting into advocacy. I saw my own NAMI IOOV presentation while in college (fall 2014) and the lessons I learned from brave souls telling their mental health journeys stuck with me even until today–so much so that I’ve used some of their words of wisdom in my own life, in my own art, in my own recovery, in words I pass on to my friends.

I got involved in NAMI, in advocacy, because of a book I never finished and a journal I equally never finished where one of the daily prompts was to take opportunities by the horns and do something to change your current circumstances. So I got involved in advocacy. I started writing articles in the newspaper. I became, I hope, a role model. To whomever read my work.

And I, I think I’d forgotten that. Somewhere along the way, I forgot why this spark of a flame was ignited within my soul. I forgot that I wanted to be more. I forgot about the reason why I speak, why I talk, why I say, “Hey I’m struggling and you can still struggle and still live a life worth living regardless.” I want to change something. The world, one person’s world, the universe. I don’t want to necessarily limit my dreaming. 🙂

I…. I want to be more than I am right now.

Isn’t that what we all want?

There’s so much I want to do. So much I want to live to do.

I guess that somewhere along the way, I forgot why. Why I do what I do. I just got so used to doing it that I stopped thinking about the impact I could be having on others. And maybe part of that was because I wasn’t in a stable mindset, certainly not a stability emotionally that I’ve now been in for many months.

I forgot the reason why I stood up. I forgot that I wanted something in the world to be different because of my efforts. I forgot that I wanted to be something greater. I forgot that I had grown tired of waiting on the sidelines for some other bystander to stand up and fight, until I realized, well, if no one else is (or few else are) going to do it, then I guess it’s up to me.

That’s why I stand. That’s why I sacrifice my name, my identity, to place a name and a face to the struggles of mental health conditions. I knew it might kill my job placements. I knew it might interfere with other tasks and accomplishments I wanted to make in my life.

But I did it anyways.

Because I knew it mattered. I knew the Greater Good was out there. I knew I had to speak up, because if I waited too long, if I wanted in silence, I knew it might never come to exist.

So, I stand. I stand tall and I let my voice be heard. Because maybe, yeah, maybe it’s going into a Void at the moment, but I know that maybe it can be found by someone some time soon and maybe I’ll get a kind soul who takes the time out to read my words or hear my voice and then write a comment acknowledging me further in the comments section below.

I guess I’d never know if I didn’t try. If I didn’t put myself out there in any way, I’d never have feedback. The feedback isn’t guaranteed when I do put myself out there, but the possibility of it is increased. And, that’s good enough for me.

 

I wonder sometimes about why I’m doing what I’m doing online and offline. I’d forgotten why for what feels like centuries, but I’m being reminded again now. Being reminded each day.

I know Amaryllis isn’t my end goal. I want to be so much larger and bigger and brighter than it, but I think it will give me a lot of real world experience from which to grow and mature. It will be a challenge and a real test of my skills, and I think that is something I’m slowly getting more used to.

But, I guess like Thor tells Loki in that elevator in Thor: Ragnarok — why would Loki choose to lie and betray Thor (as it’s gotten so predictable) when he could be something more?

I want to be something more.

I think I got so confined to where I’m at in the world right now that I forgot the bigger picture. I want to work each day, each moment, each week to going further than I ever have before.

So, no, I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know if ANYBODY knows how to do it.

But we all have to start somewhere.

And I’m ready.

I’m ready now to start.

 

Sometimes, sometimes I also wonder if I were to pass on before I got out everything I wanted to do, if anyone else after me would be able to take up my words–take up my fanfics, take up my ideas, take up my stories. Or would that be the end of the line for me? For what I had to create? What I had to show? I wonder, sometimes, I wonder.

I also feel that those of us who struggle with mental health conditions are probably some of the most caring, compassionate, empathetic and kind souls around. It’s not easy to take on the task of bettering yourself and growing as a human being. Most of us didn’t ask for this shit to happen to us, so it’s so, so, so important that we get support from those around us, that we aren’t judged, that we are validated, that we are loved. I think those who’ve struggled probably show more compassion and appreciation to each other than most “normies” because even the normies forget that we all struggle with something. At some point, in some moment, there was a struggle, for whatever reason. And I think it’s those who’ve traveled the hard road that can share their love and care and wonder with those who may be struggling, sometimes unbeknownst to us at the time. We don’t necessarily know what demons a person is fighting. So, be kind. Be kind and show appreciation. It goes a long, long way.

 

Thank you so much for reading. Sending you light and love, and oh, here are those flyers:: ❤ ❤ ❤ If you can, please share this post with as many people as you can. Love you guys.

 

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Background music brought to you by:

Here’s to the Lives that You’re Gonna Change |SADIJ1 & Get Well Soon Cards

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Chosen song:

Have It All by Jason Mraz

Video:

Chosen Lyrics:

May you have auspiciousness and causes of success
May you have the confidence to always do your best
May you take no effort in your being generous
Sharing what you can, nothing more nothing less

May you know the meaning of the word happiness
May you always lead from the beating in your chest
May you be treated like an esteemed guest
May you get to rest, may you catch your breath

And may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows
And may the road less paved be the road that you follow

Well here’s to the hearts that you’re gonna break
Here’s to the lives that you’re gonna change
Here’s to the infinite possible ways to love you
I want you to have it
Here’s to the good times we’re gonna have
You don’t need money, you got a free pass
Here’s to the fact that I’ll be sad without you
I want you to have it all

May you be as fascinating as a slap bracelet
May you keep the chaos and the clutter off your desk
May you have unquestionable health and less stress
Having no possessions though immeasurable wealth

May you get a gold star on your next test
May your educated guesses always be correct
And may you win prizes shining like diamonds
May you really own it each moment to the next

Oh, I want you to have it all
All you can imagine
All, no matter what your path is
If you believe it then anything can happen
Go, go, go raise your glasses
Go, go, go you can have it all
I toast you

My meaning:

I’ve already been listening to this song for over an hour today but I wanted to do something a little different and actually write up a blog post even though my attention span is fraying and fleeting. Regardless, here is a song a day mental health edition as I haven’t done one in a long time!

This song, I came across on the radio maybe spring time 2018. I really fell in love with it and it really imprisons everything about me and my life and my hopes in another person, which is always awesome, so we can continue to spread kindness and compassion everywhere we can!!! ❤

I mentioned this song before to my friend Diary and I feel it’s such a happy, positive, well-lit song that spreads hope and love and kindness in a world that is so often lacking in those qualities.

I hope that it gives you a smile and a feeling of being treasured and warm on the inside out. 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤

Chosen emoticon:

😘😘😘 = kissing face!

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Additionally, someone that I follow that I have written about in the past, a few years ago, is beginning, likely, they’re recovery journey from an eating disorder, and with it also happening to be eating disorder awareness week, I want to send them support, compassion and encouragement in this difficult time–in the hopes that they will later see them when they are ready or if they choose to at all return to social media.

So if you have any suggestions on words, phrases, quotes, song lyrics, color choices, patterns, pictures, etc. let me know in the comments down below; in a DM on Twitter (I’m @RecoveryRaquel); or in an email which you can contact me through my contact page here on this blog.

I’m thinking of creating a card for them every 3 days and will directly tweet at them on Twitter and also post here if that would be helpful or interesting for anybody. I’m going to not have their direct name in the image itself so it can be applicable somewhat to other people wandering through recovery.

My intention would be to spread kindness, positivity, hope, light, warmth and more. This person has done a lot for the online communities (maybe not always positive), and although they’ve lost their way a bit, it’s going to get better from here. I have hope and light for them, if even right now they don’t have it for themselves.

So, any ideas would be much appreciated!!

This is kinda like an online form of Recovery Reinforcer. XD

Maybe I will tag it as such later on in these card creations…I’m not sure yet!

Any who, I hope you guys are well!

I will be having a 1 year out of the hospital post on Valentine’s day! And hopefully a few videos up and out this week as well. 🙂

Thank you for reading/listening! ❤ ❤ ❤

Discussing My 4 Projects At Length. This post: Recovery Restoration (2017).

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It’s been a full week since I last worked on and spoke about my projects either behind the scenes or online on Twitter, but I think it’s time now to really delve into everything that I want to do with these four main projects, as defined above! So, let’s jump in, shall we?

PS Stay until the end to see my new business cards that I created and ordered from the super lovely graphic design website Canva (that I also use for all my Youtube and blog thumbs!)

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Project 1: Recovery Restoration (born 2017)

You guys may remember, if you’ve been following me since 2017 or so, the start of this thumb. I have since edited it slightly so you may notice the changes, but I’m very excited for what this project is and what dreams I have for it, which I will get into in just a moment! 🙂

This project’s unique and “old” thumb from back in the day, with slight edits.

What is the goal of Recovery Restoration?

The goal of Recovery Restoration is about sharing visual and written forms of artwork to provide peer support and encouragement to those just beginning or in the middle of their recovery journeys with others who have struggled and come through to the other side. Recovery Restoration recognizes that our recoveries are ongoing journeys and believes that giving light onto others can help them, too, out of the darkness. We still struggle, we still slip up, and we keep showing up, we keep fighting, and we keep continuing onwards, which in and of itself is what survivors radiating badassery do.

Recovery Restoration is about providing each other hope and help by saying “I’ve been there too, and I’ve made it all the way here” in an effort to be compassionate, wise, kind and helpful. It’s a walk of advocacy sharing our lived experiences so that someone else may be able to suffer less or struggle but knowing that they are not alone, that there is help and hope available to them.

What is the dream for Recovery Restoration?

The ultimate dream for Recovery Restoration is to share our stories with one another in a way that is visually pleasing and overall optimistic, hopeful, bright and colorful while also balancing realism and the fact that recovery is not a linear process yet better days can be found ahead. The photo albums and folders will be donated to various psychiatric facilities across the state of Massachusetts, with prototypes and initially my own artwork showcased and then including other’s works when the project gets large enough.

What are the conditions for Recovery Restoration?

Because the artwork requires being positive and pleasing, it can’t be triggering with sensitive subject matters (suicide, self-harm, eating disorders, trauma, substance use). Of course, art is subjective which is why the artist’s reasoning behind the photo, what inspired the image, when they created the image, what the image meant for them in their journey and some explanation as to why they created the piece to begin with, will be included on the page after or near enough to the image to be connected and part of the overall story.

Additionally, alongside a person’s submission, they will have to specify how they wish to be credited: ranging from a full name (first and last), nickname, username (social media), phrase, symbol, etc. Permissions to use their artwork and their descriptions must be explicitly written out in a permission form so as to avoid potential legal issues. (I will be making up the form from having previous experience doing similar behaviors with my Photography Club at UMB).

Along with the artistic submission, a person will need to include a little blurb about themselves to be featured at the end of the album/last album pages (in a part called “About the Artist”, saying quirky things or likes/dislikes in life, movies, what inspires them, potentially what diagnoses they live with although this might be told elsewhere, for instance, in their artwork). Also at the start and end of the album will be more about the project itself and its goals, possibly featuring the thumb shown above, with the business cards for the projects to be sent to the front desk of the psychiatric facility for anyone who wishes to write down or record further information on the project’s founders (me).

How will pieces be chosen?

Because this is still a newbie project, I will be using my own artwork to start with before the project is able to spread and be contributed to by others in their recoveries. As such, when choosing pieces to feature I will likely use Twitter or some online polling system to decide on what images versus others are the most appropriate and least offensive to be included in the work, especially if the album is shorter than others and I have only say 20 slots to work with but 30 images.

All descriptions of the artist’s work, about the artist, about the project and its founder and more will be typed up onto paper, as well.

What does this project cost?

I have to do a budgeting document for this project and may utilize websites like GoFundMe or PayPal for the future to raise money to help with the costs, or create fundraising campaigns (if you have any ideas for this, leave them in the comments or send me an email!).

Costs include: printing paper (photo paper), paper paper, ink, print jobs (for instance I have a Canon printer at home so I’ll likely be trouble shooting with that rather than, or maybe sometimes going to CVS), photo albums, time to re-shoot images/artwork where necessary (I had a lot of the first prototype’s get cut off so I will likely need to re-shoot and resize them), folders for the writing portions of the project (as added in 2019).

Additionally, I will likely need a organized system for tracking crediting of artist’s, permission forms, budgeting documents, blurbs about the artist and the works themselves, and physical if not digital copies of the artwork as once the albums are put together all of the work will be donated to a psychiatric facility and no longer in my own possession.

There is no cost of the project to the hospitals themselves.

What do the prototypes look like?

I will keep up to two prototypes of this project including my artwork for myself to be shown when doing presentations of IOOV’s for NAMI-MA, at Passages (my day program), and for my own use or browsing etc. The gold and green is my first prototype, and the “Life is A Beautiful Ride” is my second. The 3 smaller albums will be donated once completely prepared. Images of these are shown below.

My first prototype for my own artwork in Recovery Restoration. This is one single page, horizontal.

My second prototype. This holds two slots on one vertical page. Purchased from Michael’s.

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The slide show shows 3 small photo albums that are single paged, I believe 4×6. I got these at Michael’s.

What do my SMART goals for this project look like?

Writing this blog post is a really good way of me forming and brainstorming ideas that I’ve already written in my journal or planner while also providing some accountability for what I wish to accomplish with the preparation and actual donation of the items. I can’t say I’ll work on it every day, however, I do anticipate spending time working on the project weekly to really shape it up and carve out everything I want it to be about.

Also, because I’ve added the creative writing/nonfiction/fiction writing to the project, I will need to build this portion of it the most as it is still untouched at the moment. The writing portion of the project will follow the guidelines for the visual portion.

For more information on my detailed SMART goals for this project, along with a few others that I have yet to fully plan out, please refer to my future post where I fully explore the dimensions of the project, what goals and objectives I’ve set for myself and the timeline I wish to accomplish this in within the upcoming year.

Will I share the works I’ve created for this project with you all?

Yes, I plan to. I will likely create videos for it on my Youtube channel (link in my About the Artist section of my blog) and I can also do dedicated blog posts for them as well. A lot of them, you’ve likely seen showcased before on my blog over the years, too. For those who donate works to be included, I can promote them on my blog with appropriate links to their pages and social media accounts. 🙂

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Ultimately, this post is longer than I intended and more informative and thorough than I was expecting. Therefore, I will end this post just about here and work on the other project posts into the foreseeable future. This post has taken a little over an hour to write and it’s extensive with more to be seen and shown and presented, and I think I’d rather just bite the bullet here and wait for more time in other days ahead to work on detailing my plans for my ongoing 3 other projects.

With that said, I will end each project post with my new business cards and this one, you’ll get a little more than usual because I have yet to have unveiled them on my Twitter and I don’t want to tease you all so much without any actual follow through 😉

So, last Friday I decided to come home from program and work on some business cards as my therapist had mentioned the idea of leaving some information about myself and my project with Unit Z as I just left off Recovery Reinforcer things the day before. I used Vistaprint back in the day for Photo Club business cards but I didn’t like all of their selections this time around. So, instead I worked with Canva which is where I make pretty much all my graphic designs, and I browsed through their different free templates until I found the one I wanted to work with.

I also found they had a printable option so I was able to just settle with what fun I could have with them and get my stuff printed and sent to me!

So, here’s the fancy box they came in, first the durable cardboard one (which I plan to keep and redecorate myself):

I like the frazzle stuff inside too!

And then the card holder they came in:

So cute and photogenic! 🙂

And now, for the big reveal!!!

This is the front! The name of my blog, my slogan and a little blurb about my projects! I used the ‘wedding’ template on Canva, if you’re interested! I just changed the colors and added some of the text to it. 🙂

And the back!

I decided to forgo my name explicitly written here as I wasn’t completely comfortable having that be one of the sole focuses (plus with some minor digging you can find out the rest). I wrote a little description of myself and my ideas and then have all my contact information.

On the back, as you can see, I manged to add the silhouette of the lighthouse and the lotus flower as I have them on my title card on my Youtube channel/on my blog and such.

I wasn’t able to find a free logo making and downloading site, but if I ever do, it’ll be a rainbow infused lighthouse. But for now, I just use a silhouette version.

And, that’s all from me!!!

I hope that you enjoyed this post! I hope that it was enlightening and creative and fun for you all to read! 🙂 Let me know what your thoughts are in the comments below or send me a message elsewhere on social media with your ideas! 🙂

Thanks again!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Now it’s time I go eat some dinner, ahaha.

All About My Fanfics | PART 1

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How do you guys like the new thumb? I JUST finished making it and it’s currently almost 7p on January 17th 2019. 🙂

I have to break for dinner momentarily but I wanted to start writing this post as I’m just really in the mood to write and I want to talk about my fanfics–so what better idea than to combine the two and make a blog post out of it? 😀

In this post, I want to share with you all all of my fanfics ideas. I created this list on fancy stationery paper about a year and a half ago. I went to the library one day and just wrote out everything that was in my head. I currently have about 6 or 7 stories ongoing and a few on hiatus, with PLENTY of other ideas that have yet to be written or are abandoned (momentarily) and have to be completed. I will also include the BONUS fanfics regarding House MD (2) and a crossover, but more on that later. Here is the image again, I believe I posted about it before when I made previous posts about my fanfics (you can check out those here: 2 Cover Arts and Summaries for a few stories, An Unseeing Shadow fic in Full & Worth It One-shot & possibly a few blurbs in other posts that I don’t feel like digging for), but it’s been a while so I will refresh all of our memories and post it again here:

Image 1 where I was at the library working on these notes. Most of what I’ll refer to in this post is the title, summary, and what I needed for the stories. 🙂 You’ll see more below!

17 pages front and back of notes and information, with some additional notes elaborated in other notebooks and journals. It’s also an ongoing list. And possibly I left out some that I’ve now thought of since….

So, with that out of the way, let’s begin!!! (If particular stories have cover arts, which I know I’m still sitting on 2 of the 4 I made before in the hospital at Unit Z, I MIGHT try and include them unless this post won’t be able to fit into being uploaded today, of which I may forgo them for now and add them into a new post in the future. I’m not sure yet. Fuck it, I found them, I’ll put them up! :P) PS I will try and include my newest profile picture that I made yesterday on Canva for FF.net & AO3 below, too, if I remember!

WARNING: These notes are extensive and separated by each individual story, if you do not wish to find out spoilers for the stories, watch for the bold text.

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To begin, the title for these papers is:

Organizing Work In Progress Fanfics.

I began this document of organization back on June 6. 2017.

1. “If I Only Could” ; 5/8/2017

(This story has a picture, of which I’ll post at the end of this block. The date next to each title is when I thought of the idea approximately!)

About: Inspired by Track & Field’s “Running Up That Hill” cover (love this song!) Thor and Loki fan video by gabygal7. An Alternate Universe in which Loki & Thor swap places to live each other’s lives in a freak accident when they stumble upon a magical gem in a cave. The switch is temporary so that they can understand each other’s POV. Pre-Thor. Include within initial chapters the inspiration with particular lyrics. Also think: Freaky Friday inspiration.

What I need: Background details to begin story; reasons why this is necessary/needed for the characters; how does this happen?; how does it end.when do they learn the lesson?; how many chapters? ~10?; explore all necessary details and have fun with it.

Present Day Commentary: For a while, I wondered how exactly this would work as a plot line and I only just settled upon the notion a few days ago that it would be their souls that swap places within each other’s bodies but that what thoughts would normally go through their mind would remain within those bodies–like, Thor’s soul will be in Loki’s body but Thor will bear witness to what Loki’s mind thinks of himself and the world around him. I don’t know, maybe that’s obvious from the idea itself but it always bothered me that I couldn’t quite figure that out. I’m hoping to start this fic actually soon.

The idea for this story came after I stumbled upon the fanvideo and it got my gears turning! So, it’ll have been a long time coming! 🙂

Cover art:

Drawn totally in crayon/pencil from when I was at Unit Z. Specifics for the date when I drew this, well, I’m not going to dig up the original file in person so we’ll just have to go by when I took the photo in July 2017.

2. “Wounded Yet Healing” ; 3/2/2017

About: Character play with Loki & Thor and a SHIELD agent Original Character named Janice. Just a one-shot about an injured Loki hiding his wounds until they’re discovered and mended. Implied character growth. Set in an unknown AU. Specifics don’t really matter.

What I need: Goal set in mind to finish the one-shot; observational skills of body language and micro-expressions; focus to finish; the imagination and creativity to have fun with it; keep in mind title to guide the piece (written on paper).

PD Comm.: I actually remember that I have started this fic, I believe in handwriting if I’m not mistaken. I think I have the original papers somewhere lost in my fanfic folder. This is also a pretty good highlight of how I don’t nowadays in the last few years (5 or so) figure out all the plot lines and characters beyond the main plot. Like, I just dump characters into a space and time and don’t explore or elaborate on what led them to that point and go beyond following the details. I guess, I just don’t have a complete rounded out versions of stories anymore. There are probably plot holes and lapses of time that go on in my stories. Of course, I’m trying to explore and expand on that a little more with some of my stories, not all, but some (CtP). This idea is a good representation of how I just create some things without getting muddied in all the nitty gritty details (which is ironic for how detailed I write as it is when it comes to body language and scene making, ahaha.) But yeah, I just thought I’d say that. 🙂

3. “Lead Me Home, Brother” – May 2017

*This story has cover art.

About: Inspired by hearing on the radio the solo version of “See You Again” by Charlie Puth and having taken aging course in uni. Include some inspired lyrics through the chapters. Not a long fic, about 4 chapters long. About 2 chapters with Loki dead and Thor temporarily and the opposite where the song is included and each brother gets to speak with the other and convinced to go back to living. Like a hurt & comfort/angst fic. Consider naming chapters for better clarity: which brother and line inspiration from song.

What I need/Work through: A title; category decision (Avengers); Thor ??, Loki -> take place on Midgard, loose enemy to Avengers even with Thor’s passing; consoling brothers; think of the aging/dying process and course material (inspired from this); consider my own existential and mortality questions and concerns; lyrics to include’ setting up details and how to include all the moving parts especially with the characters involved; Thor -> to awaken amongst Avengers; Loki -> trickier, more set up beforehand. Mortal? Demigod? Impact of losing Thor; emotions then how he gets sick and passes, the conversation they have and him returning. Open ended if he changes or continues his mischief with the Avengers? Maybe mocking Thor’s grave to the Avengers even as he brings flowers there regardless? Maybe a smile to Avengers as Loki disappears with his magic.

Title Brainstorm; 6/14/2017:

Without You; The Return; Returning; Left Me when I needed you the most; Always gonna hurt; Feeling so cold; Waiting for you; Home; Let the light guide your way; Holding…

PD Comm.: I have actually started this fic but it’s on the back burner for now. I’ve written out all the lyrics to pick from in my marble notebook where I incidentally wrote SWC and will write IYIB. But besides the first chapter I haven’t explored it much since. It’s cool to see more of my thought processes and writing out the plot and figuring things out though. 🙂 I think it’s more realistic that this story will be 6 chapters long, instead. I have the first chapter up on FF.net for sure, not sure about AO3. Not yet, at least. 😉

Cover art:

Looks like this was drawn/colored in crayon back in June 2017. 🙂 Bottom right corner I can just make out the dates.

4. “____________” (Untitled) ; May 8.2017

About: Inspired by daily prompt of 5/8 “Bitter”. Random fanfic just to do some character study and explore this old daily prompt. Could do Loki centered OR play with other characters or short drabble sections with each character to better practice writing them all (for other fics). One shot or multiple chapters.

What I need: Chapter titles and overall title; creativity and a challenge to do a little each day or with a chosen character for X amount of time/day to get a complete version of the fic; get creative with it, include songs/lyrics with different characters, explore ordinary situations, AU’s and mental health conditions; just play with it. Play along. Quotes from books/actors about characters; goals to do. Be a character ahead for uploading; can be disjointed–doesn’t have to be chronological; something light, fun, unpredictable; characters: Barton, Natasha, Thor, Loki, Tony, Bruce, Steve.

PD Comm.: This isn’t really something I’ve thought of much in the last few years but it would be nice to explore and get better at properly representing the other characters which, because I largely and exclusively write for Avengers, will be necessary. Even more so if I want to be more current with the newer Avengers members (Scarlet Witch, Falcon, Antman, Spider-man, etc.) It’d be an interesting little project, I think. Maybe I will do something with it this year.

I also just want to say of course that I don’t own this characters, just the plot ideas! 😉

5. “____________” (Untitled) ; May/June 2017

About: Inspired by recent world news of terror attacks. What if Loki took a step back, saw himself and his actions in Avengers on the news and considered himself a terrorist. How might that play out? What would it look like? ~Title something about terrorist/terror attack. Maybe a made up date of what happened in New York in Avengers? Maybe POV of Loki murdering, others being hurt and Loki later on either repenting or celebrating?

What I need: Glimpses of news stations and outlets speaking about Loki’s terror attack–reports, breaking news, witness accounts, clips being shown, maybe real or made up news anchors; title brainstorm; the ability to take on new and challenging perspectives to write on potentially controversial topics with a fanfic/fictional perspective that may not reflect my true thoughts on the real world “inspirations”; how do people cope with extreme situations? How are they resilient? Capturing the keep fighting mentality. The coming together and standing strong; long one-shot. Multiple days, editing before uploading; research if Avengers happened on a specific day or make it up.

PD Comm.: This particular fic is actually super relevant today as yesterday I went off on a Deep Dive on Youtube after being recommended the 9/11 terror attacks and it definitely made me think back on this fic and what I wanted to do with it, which in part inspired me to write this post in the first place (to continue getting all my ideas together in another place and work through any issues or writing vibes that came up (like new projects or next projects to work on)) Especially since it’s been a long time since I really sat down and read over these notes. I thought it’d make a good post to explore them, here. 🙂 Any who!

6. “Night Terror” ; April 2017

About: Inspired by “Beacon” an FF.net Tony x Steve fic (not one I wrote) & “My Heart Beats, Too” (my first published and completed story on AO3 & FF.net). A story in which Tony Stark is awoken in panic by the sound of a fellow teammate in his room late one night. While his PTSD is triggered, he sets it aside in order to aid his befallen teammate. Who has fallen down the rabbit hole with him? And will Tony’s efforts be enough to save them? Post Avengers AU featuring a reformed evil doer.

What I need: Review text to pick up on details included -> Loki is bleeding heavily from various wounds; assess/establish Loki’s injuries; the aid that will be provided to him; vague or specifics; Thanos got him; how does Tony help him? What can he do?; establish length, short fic <5 chapters; deep injury then recovery; why does Loki come to Tony? Friendship established? Does Loki say why or just smirks? Little more thought with this one.

PD Comm.: This is actually another one of my stories that I have shelved for later and is on hiatus, although I do have the first chapter up on my FF.net account. I think I still need to put it on AO3, but I’m not positive. I don’t really have much else to say about this fic, surprisingly. Yeah, that’s all I got.

7. “Severed” ; Nov. 2016

*This story has cover art which will be presented at the end of the block.

About: Inspired by Skylark016’s “Got Hit Couldn’t Shake It” a Steve Rogers centered fanfic on FF.net. My story is an AU in which Loki is struck by an enemy in battle while fighting alongside his older brother, Thor. When it turns out his life altering injury is permanent, how may Loki rise above his ailment and live a life he enjoys? And how will Thor’s friends, the Avengers, support or hinder his brother’s recovery?

What I need: Further inspiration to continue this fic; research on paralysis below the hips; current technology for Tony’s involvement; when approximately it takes place (how long after New York?); style of AU and how to incorporate details into fic; more notes and build up of details. Identify what I want to get out of this fic and what takeaway can be made for the readers; approximately max 20 chapters; does Loki find out he’s adopted? And how does he react? When does he find out? Who does he go to for help?

PD Comm.: Aaaa, Severed. Dear old, dear, Severed. I LOVE this fanfic, to be honest. I forgot it was inspired by someone else’s story and that seems to be a theme with a lot of these, to be honest! Ahaha. But no, really, I love this story so much. I just published the 9th chapter a week or so ago, if you want to check it out! You could even leave a review if you’d like, hint hint. But I think this story may be–actually no, it WILL be–longer than 20 chapters. Maybe 40. It’s good. There will be some suicidal themes, which for most of my stories that’s a prevalent theme (in some more than others) but it will get better once Loki and Thor move down to Earth. It just takes a little while before that happens and Loki has to go through some hell first. Oh, Severed. How I love you dearly. ❤ ❤ ❤ Additionally, I’m not including a spoilers warning for this particular fic as I actually wind up setting up the premise at the end of the first chapter (which I totally forgot about until I went back and read it months/a year later lol).

Cover art:

Drawn also in June 2017. ❤

8. “A Little Unsteady” ; August 2016

About: Title inspired by the X Ambassadors song “Unsteady” and also there’s just not enough Loki fainting fics out there. It’s been three days since Loki joined the Avengers Initiative, two months after the battle of New York City. Loki’s body decides to kick off the celebrations by fainting…multiple times. How will the other Avengers react to this new development? And will Loki feasibly be able to join the team if his problem continues?

**SPOILERS WARNING**

……….

What I need: use of medical research with some creative license in fic; continued research on atrial flutter and atrial fibrillation; timeline: 3 days (and 2 months after NYC, Chp 1), 1 week (Chp 2), 2 months with existential and situational crisis (Chp 3); Chp 4 picks up with Thor finding out about Loki’s troubles; Loki gets benched for a little while (at least a chapter); 1 more instance where Loki gets a bad attack on a mission after an absence of fainting that gets him hit in battle, falling off a roof and onto the top of a car where blood drips from his fingers and he needs CPR for being technically dead; after this it’s found out that he’s suffering from A.flutter with Afib. here and there; treatment approaches are explored. Maybe some suspense still fluttered in and how he manages life anew/in light of his condition; ~10 chapters; time to jump back in and continue playing with characters and how to jump into the story again; answer/address Loi’s PTSD with the Other/Thanos torture and him telling the others about that (Chp 3 mentions and from a review of the story); what do I mean to achieve with this fic? How do I get from here to there?; interaction with the team.

PD Comm.: This fic is … amazing and mind boggling and I’m soooo in love with it. I JUST updated it after like 5-6 months YESTERDAY on both AO3 and FF.net if you want to check it out but man, this is THE most popular story I have ever had. EVER. It’s amazing and I am so thankful and I love it and it’s got humor and feels and I feel like, especially as of the last chapter, that I’m like part of the elite club when it comes to the MCU to be able to play with emotions both of sadness and relatability and humor and light-heartedness. It’s such a precarious balance but so needed and something I feature here and there in a few of my other stories as well. It’s necessary, it really is. But yeah, man, I love ALU. I never thought it’d do as well as it has and it’s really, really cool to have such a large following for it although also intimidating but as you can see from the notes section, that the major scene that started this fic at all is pretty thorough and detailed out but we’ve still got probably 2-4 chapters to go before we get there completely.

Definitely a longer than 10 chapter fic, maybe 20 or so? Sigh. Yes, so, so, so much love. Plus who doesn’t love a good little medical mystery? 😉

Also, it’s now 9p, my god. I wonder if I should put this as two posts instead of one huge one? I’m not sure, maaaaaybe. We’re almost half-way through though!

9. “This Would Be the End” ; August 2016

*This fic has cover art.

About: Inspired from Thor (2011) when Loki finds out his true heritage and the song “It all runs together” as background music for writing the first chapter. His world had turned still. The moment he was completely submerged in the shifting waves, his world had turned still. Over and over he tried to break through to the surface, but a weight held him down. Something was holding him down in a vicious, unrelenting fashion. No, wait… They were hands. Loki is drowning and someone is trying to kill him. Would this be the end for them?

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

………

What I need: Clint tries to kill Loki by murder suicide in the ocean, sacrificing his own life, 5 years after NYC. Both are given CPR. Loki comes back from (multiple tries) of Thor’s hammer’s electricity; Loki is unconscious with internal injuries and is in pain. They realize this at the end of Chp 2; Loki suffers from internal burns due to his Frost Giant genetics so there’s organ damage, broken ribs, burns to his chest, a broken sternum (even if he’s a demigod) and the psychological ramifications that will happen later; maybe Loki and Barton have therapy? :D; Don’t make Clint a murderous bad guy a reviewer says. Clint likely made a split second decision that with treatment he later regrets and has to come to terms with and how he and Loki deal with the situation thereafter; Does Loki join the team? How do they learn to trust one another? Trust games: falling, fighting, ‘team’ exercises. How does the team respond? Do they get therapy, too?; Unknown length. Until it’s complete and I get out all I want to. 🙂

PD Comm.: I believe, if I’m not mistaken, that the idea for this fic came out from the scene where Loki learns his true heritage and there’s water on both sides of the vault room and that’s what made me think of this plot, because as it’s revealed in the first chapter, Loki doesn’t know how to swim. But yeah, this one also has a bit of spoilers in it so be mindful of that. Everyone’s going to get group therapy though and it’s going to be infinitely interesting.

I think what’s most interesting about all these fics and plots and stories is finding those little parts of myself that I am leaving behind. It’s very, very fascinating. This story is on hold but I am hoping to work on another chapter again soon so I can update it on my accounts. I think I am still behind a bit for AO3 (I only joined in June 2018).

Cover art:

One brown eye to represent Barton & one green eye to represent Loki. An ocean and a pulse line. Hehe. I guess it says something about life/death and the intricate ways we’re all connected to one another/impact each other’s lives.

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But overall, I think I’ve decided that I will upload this post as PART 1 of my fanfics and work on Part 2 tomorrow or Saturday instead. Because I could MAYBE squeeze it all in today but that’s a bit all/nothing and I’m bound to be tired as is so for now, this will do. It’s also currently about 9:30p so, you know, even if I tried to get it all done, ugh that just sounds like a lot more work and energy that I don’t have to expel at the moment. This is officially half-way through all my fanfic stories ideas, notes and the like, however!

I’m actually quite exhausted mentally and physically, so I’ll be off to bed soon. I have to wake up early tomorrow as is to go to program.

But, above all, I hope you enjoyed this piece! It’s really pretty neat to look back on some of these stories and see where the roots of inspiration came from. I definitely forgot how intricate my inspirations can be and I hope that with time I’ll be able to challenge my issues regarding reading to reimmerse myself into some of these stories (of other writers, I mean). But yeah, it’s really cool and neat and interesting to read back through these and see where things have come from and collided and having some drawings for them etc. The next portion will largely be just text but maybe I can work on something soon for more cover art pieces to these stories. That would be fun. 🙂

Today was a very, very, very good day to me. I actually spent probably about 2 hours watching through all the clips or as many as I could find of Thor and the Avengers to get myself more inspired to work on stories/chapters, and I still have to print the latest chp of ALU, but yeah, I did some research and I’m happy to have had all the vibes and creativity today. I know I’ll face writer’s block again in the future, and I have to mention those House MD fics too, but for now, it’s good. Life is good.

I made 19 cards and dropped them off at Unit Z which is almost like a precursory project to Recovery Restoration which is super exciting and I really look forward to exploring it soon. I believe I have a family therapy appointment this Sat. That will be interesting. For now, I’m tired. It’s time to end this post. I could say more, I so could, but I must rest.

Thank you all for reading this blog post!! I’ll probably answer a few messages from my fics now, work on videos over the weekend and tweet, text and maybe write, print and do my P, J, 5YJ, TP and DC.

Good night, my friends. ❤ ❤ ❤

I’ve Been Writing Creatively for 16 Years. I lost it for a while due to mental health. It’s Time I Reignite It.

It started out today with me having fallen asleep again during the afternoon while battling through intense rounds of boredom and lack of interest in pretty much everything. I was not without things to do, however. I could have read a book that I’ve been putting off for a couple of months (fearing that I’m not in the right head space to gather every concept and understanding of it, putting down page flag after page flag, being stuck in my perfectionism); I could have written creatively for my fan fiction stories, but I felt void of either endeavor.

So I slept for an hour and a half, as a way to pass the time.

And I woke at 4p rejuvenated and ready to take on the (rest of the) day. I ate a late lunch then wandered back into my bedroom, unsure how to proceed.

I didn’t have any writing vibes and I didn’t have the interest to read. I could even have started reading my assignment for tomorrow at Weekend Planning but I felt the same obstacles against me for why I didn’t turn towards the book. So I picked up my iPod, even though I’ve gotten bored with the music I listen to nowadays (the same songs on repeat), and I heard “For Your Entertainment” by Adam Lambert fill my ears.

It made me smile because years and years ago I had this dark!Wilson from House MD fan fiction story idea where Wilson is secretly a serial killer with House as his roommate in their studio apartment and he’s secretly hiding the bodies of strippers in their house. The song was meant to be quoted throughout the story as part inspiration and part storytelling. Wilson would pick his victims and kill them at the apartment and at the end of the story, House finds out and we think that he’s going to stop Wilson (as does the woman in question) but House winds up joining in instead. :O I know it’s a little elaborate and fucked up but it was still a good story idea.

This then reminded me of my friend Vanessa, when I told her about how I had a really old House fanfic idea from back in the day that I never finished, who asked if I had the link to that story (she thought I had published it). At this moment, I wondered if I could find it, in that old green notebook I had when I started the story several, several years ago.

So, with the song in tow–although for a different fanfic–I dared to go through my writing box which is more so a place of where all my creative writing and other artsy things like drawing and photography are housed.

And I found it, actually. It’s no longer in the notebook but loose leaf pages of pencil scratch. It’s from 2011. And I’m going to finish it. I actually, thank god, still have the notes of the plot line attached so that’ll make it easier for me to work with the characters and such again (especially since I don’t have to rely fully on my fuzzy memory).

And I’m going to write that “For Your Entertainment” fic too. I just have to do my research and remember the characters more to write them effectively and in character.

But it all reminded me, as I scoped through various folders (lots of nice folders, even) of poems and short stories how much I had forgotten how creative I used to be. I used to be able to create elaborate plot lines of original work and original characters and flow and emotion and on topics that I had never even experienced myself but felt as though I were channeling by some other person renting space in my skull.

I forgot how amazing that was, how I was. I forgot how I didn’t always just write about myself and my experiences but of people and places and things that never occurred to me in reality yet I could paint so perfectly that it’s questionable if I hadn’t experienced it.

I’ve been writing creatively since I was 9 years old. That’s 16 years ago. I got into writing poetry in 2007, writing primarily prose until then. I have so many works on my deviantART account from way back in the day. And I have even more that I’d forgotten about that never made it quite to the computer screen.

So I’m going to revive them. I’m going to bring them back to life. And I’m going to share through this blog my previous creative works of fiction (and some nonfiction). I’m going to make some thumbs for poetry and prose respectively and we’re gonna have fun with this.

I have yet to completely sift through everything I uncovered but I’m excited. There are some particular stories and characters that are darker than most (and thus will come with necessary trigger warnings) and some of it I have to really fix up before or while I type them and before I publish them, but overall I’m excited.

I guess, it’s not that I lost the creative ability, it just got buried a little deeper. But I’m hopeful that I can reignite it and share that with all of you reading this. It’s worth a shot at least.

It’s funny because going through these papers I remembered how I would see and engage with things in life or online (say, on deviantART, someone else’s photograph or my own) and be able to write creatively about them (and I know I have tons of previously unfinished or completed works regarding this theme) but yeah, I had also forgotten about this detail and how I don’t necessarily do that as much anymore.

Part of this exploration is mourning the loss of what things once were, I’m finding. But maybe, just like with photography, I can expand and explore and reignite the passion that was once so prominent.

My goal is to work on these pieces and upload TuTh’s with creative works to my blog and update my DA where relevant with the newly revised works. Some of them will be finished for the first time and others will be just typed up as they were (unless I’m able to channel some new vibes and add to them present day wise).

Also, I think it’s important to note that in creating a blog itself and when I have written blog posts that those can be works of art and creative writing endeavors themselves. I don’t think in the bulk of this text, I was giving myself enough credit for that. I think my writing has evolved in many ways and some of it, I’m finding, hasn’t stayed with me all the way but I think I can work on regaining that. Especially nowadays with how stable I am, I think it’s something I’m ready to explore again with a whole new focus, idea and perspective. Plus, reading more when I can actually do so will help with this too, and I’m still writing fanfics too, which is another form of creative writing. Plus I wrote a poem recently so that’s some too. I guess, in dealing with my mental health conditions I lost a lot of that original work of plots and characters yet at the same time it’s probably more accurate to say that they stepped away for a bit and I’m starting the process of rediscovering them all.

I also have some classic old writing pieces in mind that I can share with you guys. And articles, in a way, were just different forms of journaling. When I write fanfic stuff these days, it’s a flow of consciousness which is reflective in my articles and may be a little different than how I used to process writing in the past. I just figured I’d add this notion before fully leaving this post.

For now, that’s all I have to say.

Life is…interesting, to say the least.

I’m curious to see where this takes us. 🙂

Stay safe.

xxxx ❤ ❤ ❤

Welcome Back: Bursting with Ideas ft. New Year’s Resolutions & Anti-Resolutions

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Welcome back, everyone!!!

It is currently January 6th (almost made a typo of 66th, whoops!) 2019. This is actually my first blog post of the new year–although I had planned for a few other posts (articles) to be added to the end of 2018 and even wrote the start of a couple of other 2019 posts without ever completely finishing them (2019 Resolutions & Anti-resolutions). But we’ll get back to that at the end!

It’s currently about one in the afternoon EST here and I’m trying to get back my writing vibe from fanfic stories and blogging and the like.

Today actually marks 4 years since my first suicide attempt, and I’ve made myself a busy schedule for the day to distract and cope through it effectively and skillfully. 🙂 I also wanted to spend this moment talking about all the ideas and inspiration that’s bursting forth from within my soul as well as share some haul photos of my endeavors yesterday and an overall life update about things and where I hope to go with my blog in the new year! So, let’s jump on in!

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It’s been a long time since I last properly blogged and a few things have changed since then. For instance,

1. I graduated university with my BS in psychology
2. I’ve been in stable recovery for 11 months (almost one complete year in February; the specific date is something I still have to check for sure though)
3. I’ve acquired a new editing software (Adobe Premiere Elements) to help with the content I aim to create and explore on my Youtube channel
4. I’ve been writing lots of fanfiction again
5. I reorganized and redecorated my room
6. I had good holidays! (Christmas & new year’s)
7. I’m still attending my day program 3x/week
8. The Mokeys has been good and wonderful and entertaining! 🙂

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Back to my goals for the year:

I just made this new THUMB above, so sorry if it’s not my bestest work  but it’ll do for the purposes of this portion of the post.

Any who, here are my new year’s 2019 resolutions (that I have actually written out on a little scrapbook paper from women’s group at program):

1. Read 1 book each month for a total of at least 12 books for the year.
2. Complete or work on a book or film review biweekly for about 26 submissions in the year overall. (If anyone out there can correct my math that’d be great, I just Googled it but might not be working with the right set of numbers, thanks!!)
3. Blog more by returning to my blogging roots with 4 posts a month to start the year out at (so about one post a week).
4. Film, edit and upload videos once or twice every two weeks (about twice a month).
5. Continue writing more fanfics both new and old. Finish 1 or 2 stories by the end of the year.
6. Secure a job by May – summer.
7. Decrease the plunge of Deep Diving (Aim for 15 hours of Weekly Amount of Internet Usage)

Something you guys don’t know about completely, if you don’t follow me on Twitter or haven’t been closely following my articles from fall 2018, is that I’ve completely swooped my life around (haven’t you noticed that this particular blog post is extravagant and so different than what’s been uploaded for the last year? Holy shit, peeps!) with journaling my Score of the Day (SOtD) and Today’s Accomplishments (TA’s) every night before bed (and into the next day if I fall asleep beforehand); filling out my time and where I’m spending it each day in my planner (P); filling out my Diary Card (DC) from program tracking my mood, creativity, online usage, OCD behaviors (pulling/lip picking), self-harm/suicidality urges, number of candies consumed at Lights Out (LO) (as a behavior to prevent hair pulling at night); my trich papers (TP) and my 5 year journal (5YJ) which I got back in October 2018 which involves a little blurb about the day’s accomplishments.

So yeah, I do ALL OF THAT every single day.

With all of that tracking and with my tweeting on Twitter, I just grew away from blogging, pretty much.

I journaled every day since some time back in January 2018 for an entire year. Not always about SOtD’s and TA’s, but still. I went through 3 journals in last year alone. It started out darker than usual but then completely brightened up afterwards.

I think this is actually the first January in 5 years where I’m doing really, really well. I’ve been so stable and in recovery for nearly a year and it’s so, so, so amazing. It’s why I’ve been able to do so much every single day to uphold my sanity. I have grown in my pedestal and have found a way of consistently using DBT skills that I have a lot farther to fall and see all the little baby steps that are involved rather than just going straight from 0 to 100. It’s amazing. Honestly.

I have moments, moments I often share on Twitter, where I feel a swell of gratitude for everything I’ve done and managed to accomplish. Lately this weekend it’s been stability and fanfic writing. Being stable enough to be able to share my doubts and uncertainties, meaning and happiness into my fanfic stories.

I’ve built a palace, so to speak, with the foundations of everything I’m learning from program. And it’s brought my life around 360! I don’t know, I think it’s amazing and awesome and I’m so happy now. 🙂 Happy enough that yesterday I had that moment where there was that epic deal at Bath & Body Works for their semi-annual sale and I was smelling all the scents in their lotions, stockpiling a shit ton of them in a screen textured bag and was just so happy to be alive to smell all the smells and feel happy and good and everything about life and shopping, lol. But really though, I actually walked by Bath & Body Works to not go in, but smelled like a watermelon scent, turned around and then waltzed back in and found out they were having a big sale.

It was definitely a moment of self-indulgence and self-care, because now I have 4 new body lotions to play around with (they were 4 for what the price of just ONE would be! AKA they were $3 each rather than $12 each) 😀 Here are some pictures of the ones I got (I also filmed a video yesterday sharing this but that probably won’t be up online for another week or two):

As you see with these first two, I just took the picture on my phone with all the background nonsense and then switched over to my bedspread in a more professional-esque wave of realization. They all smell sooooo good though!

Ahaha, you can actually see me in the reflection of the cap! 🙂

But today, when I shower, which I’ll be doing after I eat lunch which happens after I put this post up, early by the way, I’m going to use the ‘Fresh seasalt mango’ lotion on my hands/body. 🙂

Actually, a new thing I’ve been doing since last year, maybe around June 2018, is putting on this vanilla almond foot cream and pretty as a peach body lotion on my bum (because I’ve gained weight I’m having to finally deal with some pretty prominent stretch marks). But I like putting on lotion and smelling nice. My Mom had gotten a bunch of new shower gels so I get to smell all sorts of fancy lately! I normally don’t like lotion because of the slickness of it afterward but once it dries it’s okay, I will probably warm up to it more in the future. But these are all good self-care measures and relaxation measures (the last little booklet I’ll be making for myself).

Additionally, yesterday my family and I went to the mall and my parents played bowling while I went shopping and spent time on the comfortable couches writing some fanfiction for Chapter 9 of Severed. That was fun! Here are the two other things I got:

It’s an Avengers logo keychain (which I will be putting on my car keys) that I eyeballed last month at this nerdy Japanese store now in the mall and an impromptu buy of a mini Crazy Aaron’s thinking putty in the snow angel type which is a sparkling rainbow iridescent gray which is so pretty. I love the tiny tins personally, and a friend from school is the person who got me into them as fidget toys, and the tiny cans I find work best with my fingers and hands (I have the glow in the dark Northern Lights one but it’s so thick and big that it will make the muscles in my hands ache after a bunch of threading and pulling). 🙂

You know, another accomplishment I had in the last month was that I went TWO WEEKS without pulling at all. That was awesome. 😀

Oh! Two last things I wanted to mention:

1. I define my Internet Usage separate from my Deep Dive time–which is mainly Youtube stuff. AKA Deep Diving is primarily involved with Youtube mindless consumption where I go to just “watch one video” to it being three hours later and I’ve ‘Deep Dived’. Internet usage besides that would be productive websites like Twitter, FF.net, AO3 and WordPress or DeviantART. Or Canva (where I do my graphic designs). Some of the Deep Dive can also be me checking up on people I follow that are not doing well mentally which in turn makes me feel all sorts of sad. 😦
2. My anti-resolutions!

So, at program, one of the art therapists defined anti-resolutions as things you want to keep the same and maintain into the new year! Here are mine:

1. Maintain my stability by continuously choosing to use DBT skills in an effective manner.
2. Upkeep my journaling and tracking progresses through DC, J, 5YJ, P and TP.
3. Add working on journals (free thought writings or even blogging topics like what I look for in a job/career, what are positive qualities about myself etc.) and workbooks (in my possession) 1-2 times a week.
4. Continue with my NAMI involvement in particular IOOV and peer to peer mentoring.
5. Continue creating art through various mediums.
6. Continue to grow in my recovery
7. Spend time each week (about 3 hours) working on my projects and ideas for the future and researching where applicable.

Which, ultimately, brings me back to where this post started out! I have a LOT of ideas, mainly art related ones, ones that I’ve shared with you guys in the past, and I’d really, really like to revisit them and add to them and change them up and everything. Here are my ideas for that, too:

• I want to write and publish books (a novel, a memoir, a workbook (Recovery Home), a collection of all my Mass Media articles (Titled Recovery: In Progress), a positive and recovery and art filled book, as I’ve seen mindfulness books and gratitude books like that that exist too)
• I want to create a nonprofit organization named RecoverytoWellness where all of my ideas come from and are based in. Along these lines, I’ll need a mission statement and a website and people who follow it all.
• I want to create Recovery Restoration, the dream being to collect pro-recovery based artwork by individuals with lived experience who create positive art pieces that are collected in photo albums and donated to psychiatric inpatient units. I’d like to start compiling these creations/photo albums with my own artwork primarily and an about the artist section and what it is about and where to follow me and my mission. I have a couple prototypes (and more to start giving away and figuring out what pieces are more positive and honest than others that might be too triggering) although I haven’t completely fleshed out the idea or worked on it much from its conception.
• I want to create cards of hope and positivity with my friends from program to donate them to psychiatric inpatient units so people inside can get support and guidance for resources and help outside of the unit. (This one is new and I’m not sure why I didn’t think of it sooner but it’s in part inspired from giving care baskets to cancer patients etc. and also popped in my head after listening to a Joel Osteen speech)
• Along with this, I’d like to work with inpatient psych units to provide things like books to read or coloring supplies like crayons and such.
• I’d like to return to blogging and engaging with the communities I do have currently online and work to create larger ones to create even more of an impact. This means getting more involved in Youtube creations and the community there and reading and engaging with other bloggers and blog posts.
• I also want to flesh out the Recovery Home idea and continue using the hashtag RtW which is my signature for my art making through the form of the cards, positive messages etc.
• I also want to continue leaving kindness and compassion wherever I go through the positive messages and leaving them where people can find them, etc.

Additionally, I’m going to be working with @Mental_Live from Twitter for World Mental Health Day which is Oct 10 by sharing my story through their website and possibly Youtube videos and creating graphic designs for them.

So, yeah, these are all the ideas I have right now. I am now VERY hungry and look forward to munching on some food soon and seeing where this year takes me, genuinely. I have a LOT of research to be doing and I’ll definitely have more posts to come soon, including some leftover articles and 2 new articles I have yet to fully write.

Eventually, by summer-ish I will be getting a job and before then it’s a lot of preparation and playing around with everything so I’m going to have a lot of time on my hands to build these projects and write fanfic and edit videos before I am ready as ready as can be to start a job. I also plan to get re-certified for my advocacy in NAMI which I can also work on (and if I stay away from Deep Dives I should be able to accomplish a lot–including BOOK and FILM reviews that I want to bring back into my daily life) soon and something else that I totally can’t recall at the moment. Oh yeah, I will probably try to get paid writing work done too (like from the place which inspired me to start my blog 3 years ago in May).

I want to additionally bring film/book reviews to my Youtube channel and Lessons Learned Lectures, sharing my journal entries and creating a path of well, creating and hope and light and love and kindness and compassion.

Okay, I’m definitely even hungrier now and it’s been an hour of writing. So I think it’s time for me to switch songs, I’ve been listening to ‘Praying’ by Kesha this whole time, and dream big and start figuring out where I want to start at all.

So, if you have ANY ideas, let me know down in the comments!! I’d love to read your thoughts and figure out together where this can all go and lead to. ❤ I know I have peeps who’ve created some of the things I hope to one day create so I can definitely get some support for that in the future too.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND PUTTING UP WITH ALL MY EXCITEMENT.

I love you guys and hope you’re doing well! ❤ ❤ ❤

I’ll just leave this here…