SADIA1: I Needed to Lose You to Find Me | & Life Update

Song a day THUMB


Chosen Song:

“Lose You to Love Me” by Selena Gomez


Trigger Warnings & Themes:

Loss, grief, letting go, dependency/co-dependency themes.

Loss, grief, relationships, interpersonal effectiveness, identity, finding yourself, rescuing yourself, love, hope, trials and tribulations, overcoming adversity, triumph, letting go, dependency/co-dependency, growth, empowerment, moving on, regret.


Video:


Chosen Lyrics:

You promised the world and I fell for it
I put you first and you adored it
Set fires to my forest
And you let it burn
Sang off key in my chorus
‘Cause it wasn’t yours
I saw the signs and I ignored it
Rose colored glasses all distorted
Set fire to my purpose
And I let it burn
You got off on the hurtin’
When it wasn’t yours…
We’d always go into it blindly
I needed to lose you to find me
This dance, it was killing me softly
I needed to hate you to love me,
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, yeah
I needed to lose you to love me, yeah
To love, love, yeah
To love, love, yeah….
I gave my all and they all know it
Then you tore me down and now it’s showing
In two months, you replaced us
Like it was easy
Made me think I deserved it
In the thick of healing, yeah….
….And now the chapter is closed and done
To love, love, yeah….
And now it’s goodbye, it’s goodbye for us
Source:Β LyricFind

My Interpretations/Related Experiences:

So, hi again. It’s been a while and this post is a bit of a smorgasbord of multiple things but we’re gonna go with it and wing it, right? Right. Good.

So, I heard this song a few months back, maybe even as far as Nov. 2019 and I always wanted to do a song a day entry for it and just never got around to it, got busy with other posts, forgot, lost inspiration and motivation and then it got buried underneath everything else. Because, quarantine and work and all that jazz.

But I’m here now. And that’s what counts.

I’ve been reading this book on grief, or at least trying my hardest to, (it’s a dull read but I’m so invested now that I feel like I HAVE to read it, and I don’t give up on books either soooo…) and it’s made me think of some things I’ve been both ignoring and avoiding for months now.

Which, roll the credits, brings us to this song and this message and this interpretation.

As I read about loss and I am reminded that grief is a response to any type of loss–through death of course but not always–it can be items, it can be divorce, separation, leaving relationships, moving away from relationships etc. Even pets. And so it’s made me think a little about things I purposefully and deliberately avoid and pretend like they don’t exist in my life because that’s what I DO. I’m a Master Avoider. Wish I could put it on the job apps but I keep avoiding it. πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜€ (Imagine a cheeky grin here.)

I haven’t dealt a lot with death in my life, yeah some pets here and there, and god knows when I was more creative with original fiction back in my high school days, it would seem like I was enthralled and mortified about the subject as that’s typically all I wrote about (death, harm and destruction) but really I haven’t lost too many people…yet. Not, not yet.

Sure, there’s been the celebrities, the waiting death reports for Athena because we can all pretty much agree that she’s not in her ED recovery and has relapsed badly but that’s a topic for another day… (that I probably won’t even get into because I’m working to actively not give in to that type of addiction, because it is so detrimental to me and my mental health, bleh.)

But without having lost people to the deep, dark chasm of death, I’ve lost people due to mental health complications and co-dependency. More so my own co-dependency on others. I think of two particular individuals for this: Steve and Luna.

With Steve, I was forcefully pulled away from them by the smart choices of my university’s Counseling Center. Every now and then, as I’ve described in few Mass Media articles back in the day, I would look up Steve online, find his accounts, find some of his information and then taunt myself with the IDEA of reaching out even though I knew it was a giant no-no (and luckily, I never did).

But Steve was from a different time ago.

Luna…Luna’s been on my mind more these days. I have more tokens, more physical items, from Luna that I cannot begin to dream about parting with. Not now, maybe not ever. The idealization is strong with me from them and I wish things could have ended differently.

And let me be clear, I was the one who left the relationship. I was the one to enact The Ultimate Avoidance into my social life as I was in my last semester of school. And I wrote about it in some articles, some I think that I still don’t even have up on my blog, (sorry about that!!!) and I got through it, but it was hard. Really hard. And I had, like this song says, to lose them to find me.

I had to lose Luna to rebuild the broken shards of glass that was myself, my identity, my soul, my worldview, my RECOVERY.

I had to realize, hell not even by myself but by my Mom and my family therapist (turned individual therapist now) June that it was NOT a healthy relationship and if I continued to try and hold onto the past with Luna and be around them, then ultimately I was choosing to return to havoc-wreaking emotions that would destroy everything in its path, especially me, and land me in self-harm, suicidal ideation, potential death and definitely a hospitalization.

And I had to realize and accept that it wasn’t healthy for me or for them and that I had to move on, move away, move forwards. And I could only do that by realizing that no one and no thing was worth getting suicidal over, a profound lesson that has still aided me even today. And I had to also realize the way I was being treated wasn’t necessarily healthy either. And that it was for my best interests to pull away. And that the relationship we had wasn’t necessarily even friendship. And that I had to forgive the fact that Luna had lacked several boundary laden territories and overextended themselves more than they should have in retrospect. And I had to come to the terms that as a friend, they had abandoned me more than once and that ultimately it wasn’t THEIR job to save me.

It was mine.

And there were red flags. More than I realized at the time, more than I could begin to fathom and certainly more than I could reasonably encounter and acknowledge, especially within my unstable mindset.

They had to pull away a couple of times, they couldn’t be there to support me and at that time all I had wanted was THEIR support. I wanted only THEM to save me, to help me, to rescue me. And I could be aware of this at times, but I still ignored what it meant.

And I didn’t realize, at the time, that there were other individuals around me who could see, sense and interpret and recognize this co-dependency.

However, what matters now, what matters most, is that I got out. I got away. And even when I cringed to see them, when my heart aches in missing them, in missing what once was, I’m so much stronger now than ever before. I’ve grown so much and I’ve developed boundaries even within myself that I don’t cross or barely ever cross anymore these days. Yes, it puts me at somewhat of a disadvantage for particular art projects but somehow, someway, I know I’ll make it through.

 

So for now, I cannot part with the things that Luna has given me: the art, the reminders, the memories I don’t really spend much time at all looking back on, the good that was there, the pain that was there, the bad that was there. But I keep a piece of them with me, a piece I had returned to fondness over without actually reaching back out to them.

I’ve thought about it, a few times more lately than usual, but I don’t act on it. I recognize that I can have the thought and the curiosity and that I don’t want to, I don’t need to, look into it and find out what they’re up to and what’s going on in their life. It’s over now. I’m new. And the rest doesn’t really matter.

So to this song, to what is sung here:

It reminds me of letting go of the co-dependency and finding myself from all the rubble. And I realize that I can grow and learn more about grief and the MCU hole that exists within that grief and I can prioritize and…just LIVE my life without Luna, without Steve, without even the pain most days of moving away from them. You know, it’s been almost two years since letting go and things are pretty badass lately, ahaha. I think I’m a lot happier and definitely far more stable. I have to accept the lessons I was taught and recognize my own needs and work with myself to develop better self-validating remarks and comments. Instead of seeking validation and attention from others, instead I can work on completing that myself by myself with myself.

That’s not to say I don’t reach out for supports too, because I do. It’s…a balancing act for sure, one I haven’t completely figured out yet, and that I look forward to doing so in the future. ❀ (The balance between when do I need to self-soothe and when do I need a sound board.)

I think this song is a good depiction of the troubles with idealization (putting people on pedestals and thinking they can do no wrong) and demonizing people (putting them down so low that they have flaws and only their flaws). When the reality is that people have both good and bad qualities. People are flawed. People are not all good or all bad. Grey exists in the world, especially when it comes to humans, because we’re so diverse and so special and unique one by one. It can be easy to try and see and think in absolutes, however, the world is not one big absolute thing. It’s muddled and murky and sometimes we don’t get “closure”, in fact, in this grief book I’m reading it even states how “closure” isn’t often closure itself because grief is a continuum, grief is not something you get over rather something you learn to live with and alongside as you continue your life’s journey.

And as for the life update of this post…


I’m doing pretty well, overall. I just subscribed to Disney+ and I’m pretty excited to get into that and hopefully create more online content in the form of reviews for it and because of it. The grief book has also inspired me to attend to my MCU avoidance by re-immersing myself into the entire timeline from start to finish, which will probably take me over the course of the next year and therefore help me to come to terms with my grief through the individuals and characters we so recently (it feels recent, at least) lost. I’m actually quite looking forward to this.

I have been reading somewhat here and there behind the scenes and I have plenty of blog posts to catch up on and work on and eventually, hopefully soon, publish. They include:

  1. My sexuality
  2. Book Reviews
  3. Film Reviews
  4. Fanfic stuff
  5. Song a day’s
  6. Part 2 to my Recovery and Music post
  7. Maybe some more interactive type posts.

I’ve also returned to all my tracking stuff in the last week and that is so far up to date currently. I’m making daily goals for myself with a few that carry over when I don’t achieve them (the reading a book to the half-way point and completion, ideally). I’m considering creating Movie Monday’s for myself and Film Review Friday’s. I still have work at Amaryllis I go to twice a week. I have fanfic ideas, particularly one inspired by covid-19, that I’m trying to pick through and work on here and there but lately, the last week, I’ve been having zero writing vibes (which obviously related to blogging issues, too). I’m juggling a lot, probably the same as usual, if I’m being honest, and I want to try and interact more online with 3-5 tweets a day and then step up my WordPress game too. I have to break down the fact that I make so much more work for myself and projects out of everything, to be honest. I reorganized my room a few times though so that’s helpful. And I’m trying to get ideas and input on how to properly set self-care time and activities for myself so if that can get going I’ll be in REALLY great standing. Additionally, I have a Youtube video I have to finish editing and then work on uploading, which, again, hopefully, I can do this week.

I will probably make a tweet soon because apparently today is my 3 year Twitter anniversary. I want to celebrate that, even within some character limits and maybe that will make me feel a little better, too.

Overall, life is going, even while life outside these walls of my home are absent, crumbling and deteriorating. I’m trying to get by as best as I can but I can definitely say I can’t wait until it’s all over. For now, I have extended loans on the 36 books I have out from the library so I will take that in stride. I’m going to go eat dinner, take my meds and watch a movie now.

Thank you all so much for reading, learning, understanding and, if you please can, commenting. I hope to return to this blogosphere more going forwards.

Thank you.

xxx ❀ ❀ ❀

 


Worked on: 4/23/2020, 4/27/2020

SADIA1: This Is War

Song a day THUMB


Chosen Song:

“Darkness” (Explicit) by Eminem


Trigger Warnings & Themes:

Murder suicide, mass shootings, gun violence, substance use, trauma, Las Vegas (2017) shooting, “schizo” remark.

War on gun violence, politics, regulations, gun laws, ongoing news coverage, America’s issues at the forefront, double meanings, swearing, rap, mental health, risks and vulnerabilities, stigma.


Video:


Β  Chosen Lyrics:

“I don’t wanna be alone in the darkness anymore
(Hello darkness, my old friend)

Here I am, alone again
Can’t get out of this hole I’m in
It’s like the walls are closin’ in
You can’t help me, no one can

…Feels like I’m loathing in Las Vegas
Haven’t got the vaguest why I’m so lost
But I’d make you this small wager
If I bet you I’ll be in tomorrow’s paper
Who would the odds favor?

….Round after round after round, I’m gettin’ loaded
That’s a lot of shots, huh? (Double entendre)

And I don’t wanna be alone in the darkness
I don’t wanna be alone in the darkness
I don’t wanna be alone in the darkness anymore

…I don’t hear no sound, I should get ready for the show now
Wait is this the whole crowd? I thought this shit was sold out

Then something told me relax and just hope for the show to be packed
Don’t wanna hit the stage before they fill each row to the max
‘Cause that’d be totally wack, you can’t murder a show nobody’s at
But what if nobody shows?

…Plan is a go to wreck shit, cameras in all directions
The press is ’bout to go apeshit, bananas on all the networks

Fuck the media, I’m goin’ all out, this is war

…Leanin’ out the window, going Kaiser Soze
Finger on the trigger, but I’m a licensed *owner
With no prior convictions, so law says sky’s the limit
So my supplies infinite, strapped like I’m a soldier
Got ’em hopping over walls and climbing fences
Some of ’em John Travolta, stayin’ alive by inches
(Hello darkness, my old friend)
Cops are knockin’, oh, fuck, thought I blocked the entrance
Guess show time is over, no suicide note
Just a note for target distance
But if you’d like to know the reason why I did this
You’ll never find a motive, truth is I have no idea
I am just as stumped, no signs of mental illness
Just tryin’ to show ya the reason why we’re so fucked
‘Cause by the time it’s over, won’t make the slightest difference

…The attacker opening fire outside the church during a morning worship session
He unloaded the chaotic and terror, making his way inside
This, a deadly shooting at a food festival in Northern California
Three people, so far, dead


My Interpretations:

So, I wanted to do this blog post since I first heard the song when it came out. It seemed really important to me to collect my thoughts about it, although I have to admit, this post has taken a long time to write–a long time to “get right”–as I started back in February, muddled through in March and am now publishing in April, phew!

The procrastination has been high for this game because I wanted the result to be as perfect as possible but as we all know: perfection doesn’t exist. So out of all my projects, I want this one to launch first, just to get it out there and out of the way. That way I can be free to work on my other blog post projects, ASAP. πŸ™‚

With that said, onto my discussion of this song!

When I first watched this music video and listened to the song, I, too, thought it was about Em himself, the double entendres being cleverly veiled until I got through the middle to end portion of the song when the truth is revealed. I think it’s really unique to do a song from both a killer’s perspective (all respect to the victims of course, kinda like “I don’t like Monday’s” comes to mind) and a perspective that leads the listener on to think one thing when meaning a whole other thing instead.

I was concerned that Em had relapsed in his substance use recovery but when the truth was revealed, I felt pretty floored.

Okay, we’re gonna get a little political and talk about the sensitive subject of mass shootings.

Personally, this video was the first time I ever heard about the Las Vegas shooting in 2017, I believe because I also happened to be in the hospital during that time frame. So this was all new to my eyes and ears. I don’t think we necessarily need stricter gun laws (although, I’ll take that too considering my next point) but a complete ban on weapons. At least, a ban on these more dangerous weapons like the assault rifles and automatic bullet spitting ones. I don’t think the whole “Oh it’s our second amendment right” really makes all that much sense because guns aren’t going into the right hands, general society is not a militia and even if we tried to make a better understanding for what is involved in “right hands” vs “wrong hands” it may not even stop future crimes from occurring.

And of course, as a mental health related blog and advocate, we have to consider the fact, the very real fact, that more gun deaths are involved in suicide than they even are in homicide. And that blaming mental health conditions for acts of violence perpetuated by people not in the right frame of mind (a homicidal frame of mind, more so) is dangerous, stigmatizing, perpetuates narratives that us “crazy” people are dangers to those around us (rather than more often just being one to ourselves–and the fact that we as, mental health clients, are MORE likely than the general public to be a VICTIM of these crimes than the perpetrators themselves, which is a fact almost always overlooked) and that we’re someone or something to be feared, prodded and ostracized.

I am eternally grateful (as odd as that is!!) that this choice of depicting a mass shooting was done with a perpetrator NOT living with any diagnosable mental health condition, so we are able to luckily get passed that trope. I think there would have been drastic consequences if it was done on any other shooting that is almost immediately swept together with the “crazy” narrative as per the sensational media.

Additionally, I feel that while it makes sense that other brain disorders like anti-social and narcissism fall under diseases of the mind, I am still woefully bitter that we, survivors of those people, are lumped together in the same category when we, again, are least likely to cause similar or further irreparable harm towards others “just because” it was done on us. And, it can’t be dismissed, at the same time, that SOME people do. Some people who are abused go on to abuse others. Yet not everyone does. Science is still trying to discover and probably will be trying to discover why and how this happens for decades more. Like, I get why because they’re both dealt with by the BRAIN, and I still hate it. Ugh.

Secondly, I think the media plays a big role in romanticizing and glamorizing these types of mass shootings. Maybe some of it is the terminology itself, but saying “largest mass shooting since…” etc. and putting up the photographs of the shooter’s just heightens this sense of romanticism about creating these types of scenarios for copycat murderers or political agendas in the future. And I think the media has to take some responsibility for that, it just probably never will. πŸ˜›

Personally, I’m quite the Master Avoider so when these types of violent crimes occur, I bury my head in the sand and pretend like it’s not happening, not until at least a year or two later where I can learn about it and hoard videos on it, etc. It’s, for now, how I am. :/ Which explains why I never heard of the Las Vegas one. </3

Back to the song itself, it’s obviously dark and I think a lot of people who first watched or listened to it wondered why THIS shooting. Why focus in on THIS one? Honestly, I don’t know. But again, I feel the fact that’s it’s not about a “mentally ill” person “snapping” because the shooter had no signs of any condition, and that time would tell what motives or lack of motives were involved, that it had to be a concert since Em plays in concerts himself, that he’d (and others) had to have crafted the words the right way, get the music together, shoot (no pun intended) the music video, set up that website….All of this takes a lot of time and communication, jobs, work and circulation of intentions. So, that’s why I think it took so long or came out so “late” in the game.

Also, when it says “licensed *owner” I always heard that as “licensed DONOR” like an organ donor. I was surprised to find that it WASN’T that. :O

I also think that last line within the song portion itself (before all the news reports) is so hauntingly true as well: that once that shooting is over, it doesn’t make any difference, we still have the same old arguments going around and around, the laws don’t change, the politicians are too slow or unwilling, people’s minds are set in stone instead of being more malleable and we open the doors to another attack happening all over again.

And like in his music video:

When will it stop? When enough people care.

It’s so true. We’re gonna need more marches, more strong and powerful voices, more campaigns, more awareness, more laws, more steps (hopefully) to close amounts of elimination of guns entirely (at least in civilian hands, let’s not get started on the whole police officer’s issues) and well, more.

Unfortunately, I think we’ll be waiting a long, long time. The stance that the world is becoming afraid to visit America because of our out of whack gun violence, is eerie and daunting. And horrifying.

Maybe one day, with one less bloody bullet, we’ll be okay.

 


Thank you so much for reading!! xxx ❀ ❀ ❀ Stay safe from covid-19, peeps!!

SAIM1: Self-Sabotage to The End…I’m Afraid to Face What Comes Next

Song a day THUMB


Chosen Song:

“Villains Part 2” by Emma Blackery

Trigger Warnings & Themes:

Self-sabotage.

Isolation, social withdrawal, betrayal, villains, internal conflict, pain, emotive, hope, fear, change, growth.

Video:

Chosen Lyrics:

I want you to know
I tore up my list, I threw it away
Just like everything

How foolish of me
To try and divide people into categories
I found it so easy
But what can I do

When I’ve got nothing else
Not even myself
I don’t know what’s left of me
After all that I’ve done
All the bridges are burned
Would I walk them now anyway
Would I write myself off

Self sabotage to the end
If I could do it again
What would I change?
It was a stupid game anyway
I admit I’m afraid
To face what comes next
Where do I turn when I’ve turned on my friends?
What if I don’t want it?
What if I don’t want it?

How arrogant of me
To think anyone could just be
Good or bad
Like cops and robbers
The only one here committing a crime
Was dancing on the line
But what can I say
When it’s all that I’ve known
Got a chance to get better
Do I take it or watch myself suffer
And now that you’re gone
All the bridges are burned
Would I walk them now anyway
Would I write myself off

Self sabotage to the end
If I could do it again
What would I change?
It was a stupid game anyway
I admit I’m afraid
To face what comes next
Where do I turn when I’ve turned on my friends?
What if I don’t want it?
What if I don’t want it?
Am I kidding myself?
I’m my own biggest villain
What if I don’t want it?
What if I don’t want it?
Am I kidding myself?
Blaming somebody else
I’m my own biggest villain
I’m my own biggest villain
I’m my
I’m my

Self sabotage to the end
If I could do it again
What would I change?
It was a stupid game anyway
I admit I’m afraid
To change what comes next
Where do I turn when I’ve turned on my friends?
If I could do it again
What would I change?
It was a stupid game anyway
I admit I’m afraid
To change what comes next
Where do I turn when I’ve turned on myself?

My Meaning/My Inspiration:

Hello there.

I’m realizing now that I haven’t made a proper introduction to this particular blog post but it’s something that I’m needing to do and something that I want to do to help paint the last couple of days and the tumultuous-ness of my emotions and how it’s all come together with the help, the aid and the light of this song.

I came across this song at least two months back. It’s the second part to the first “Villains” song and it’s something that I’m in absolute love with. Especially for today. Maybe, in some ways, because of today.

I wanted to include more of the context of this piece in this post, so you’ll see pretty much ALL of the lyrics here, with some that I’ve placed in bold because I fit particularly well with those words. So, let’s begin!

My Meaning: Overall, I find the mission of this song is to better understand one’s self. To me, self-sabotage is something I have definitely always struggled with in my life: when I was in high school dealing with scoliosis, when I was in elementary school dealing with social isolation and loneliness, when I was in college afraid of success and afraid of failure, when I was deeply procrastinating to just get through the day, when I started to self-harm, when I started to consider and plan and be actively suicidal, etc. Even when I started to “make friends” with the disorders that I live with, something I still struggle with at times today (in fact, that’s what’s brought me here to begin with). Self-sabotage is an evil darkness I know all, all too well.

I feel that this song relates to me in the way that I am with myself most importantly but also with other individuals. I think it’s about realizing that I may be painting others as “villains” when they may just be trying to help me. That I see myself as the villain or something within my skull as the villain, which may be right or it may be wrong, but that it’s this ongoing challenge of balance and seeing the good amongst the bad. The light amongst the dark. I think it’s grappling with blame, onto others and onto the self. And then realizing that painting everyone else as these caricatures of themselves is really just a mask to the internal pain going on within the speaker, the narrator, the singer, the listener that they may be part of the problem, if not all of the problem. It’s about how when we push others away we may be doing so to try and push ourselves away, which doesn’t work all that well since we’re always us, you know?

And I think not only that, but it’s grappling with the accountability and the responsibility that pushing everyone away brings us all to this really dark and alone place and that we can become even more afraid of what comes next–with ourselves or with others. And it’s scary. And it’s hard. And it can be really needless, too. It’s a song grappling with what’s happened and trying to find a way through it despite or because of those previous actions.

And then there’s: “But what can I say, when it’s all that I’ve known” which aims to describe and give context to the speaker that their behavior is in response to their reactions and previous life experiences. That although it doesn’t dismiss their current circumstances, it can aid to explain them, in the hopes that they can forgive themselves and that others can forgive them, and even give them another chance. A chance that they may be struggling to come to terms with within their own soul.

“Got a chance to get better, do I take it or watch myself suffer”: I really wanted to include this within the title itself (see below for my title possibilities list) but I chose instead a two line combination because the first part is what I thought of when I was inspired earlier today and the latter because it fits my current circumstances. But as for this line itself, I think it really brings the speaker’s choice in the matter to light. Like, I can choose what I do next, do I choose to get better or do I choose to wallow in my emotions and stay the course to a path that could and will lead me further into the darkness. It brings that choice to the individual and helps to empower them and remind them that it IS only their choice and only they can choose it or not.

And if they choose the darker path though, it will bring more pain and more disaster and more suffering than is necessarily needed. Or wanted. It just perpetuates the cycle. And the self-sabotage continues over and over again.

It’s essentially the choice between being the “villain” and the “hero.”

I think the line “it was a stupid game anyway” also is important; it’s that self-actualization that after choosing the dark path, the wrong path, the hurting path, that it wasn’t worth it at all. It was a mistake. It was a regret. And it was stupid and not in anyone’s best interests.

Being “afraid to face what comes next” is being afraid of the consequences to the behaviors, thoughts and emotions that have been impacting the speaker. Whether it’s going to be support or backlash, it’s that fear of the unknown. That fear of what will happen. It highlights a yearning to block out the fear or to forget about it in any other way or push it back down, anything to avoid it, anything to pretend that it’s not there. I get that.

I think the “friends” are genuinely the speaker’s friends, the people they surround themselves with. Trying to figure out where they can go to for support is difficult when they have pushed them all away before.

And then of course, is that ambivalence between what if the speaker doesn’t want their help. What if the speaker feels they deserve to be alone or that they don’t deserve help or they don’t deserve good things or being okay again. What if they have to commit to that choice forever and that can be really scary, right? It’s that wondering what will happen and what ongoing need there may be because of that turning point decision. And also, of course, that if you don’t want it, where does that lead you? Or if you decide you don’t want it in the middle of it all, can you change your mind? It’s very interesting.

I also am so in love lately with hearing the pain and emotion in people’s voices and that section of this song where Emma is crying out and screaming is just… perfection. You’ll notice that in time with a lot of the songs I’ve been listening to that feature this (Abbey Glover especially comes to mind). It’s almost as though words can’t fully describe the internal pain that comes from these lyrics and that section of crying out is even more profound, I think.

 

Lastly,Β it’s time for: My Inspiration.

Okay, I’ve since had dinner and am harboring some dental pain but I’m gonna try and get through the last of this post! Thank you for reading all that you have thus far and for this next bit, too. πŸ™‚ ❀ I should really try and do some creative writing soon too (mainly fanfic). But for now…

Here’s what happened:

I had a tough day at work last last Saturday. I really was overwhelmed and emotional (I got my period a few days later) and it was a really, really hard shift. My Emotion Mind decision involved wanting to quit my job. I also had really intense urges to scratch mostly that I deeply considered acting on and some loose suicidal thoughts. I thought of going to a place I’ve been to when unwell before, not to do anything but not exactly a good place to be either. I didn’t and wound up talking to one of my co-workers for 45 minutes after the shift.

Cue this past Saturday (I forgot to mention it in therapy and remembered in family therapy Sat but didn’t reveal it) and it was an okay day overall but I mentioned, not super well, that I can’t lift more than 25 pounds due to my back and I’m really, really worried now that they’re going to let me go because it’s expected of me to be able to lift a lot. (Think struggling kids) And I didn’t say I would just need help or could do lighter lifting either which I’m kinda kicking myself for.

So now I’m all worried that I may lose this job sooner than I anticipated. I know that although I only wanted to be there 6 months to a year anyways, that I’ll really miss my co-workers, the relationships, the pay, the atmosphere, etc. I guess it’s different when you’re going to let them go versus when they might let you go. Unfortunately, I cannot recall if the job listing had specified the weight requirement and even if it did, I wouldn’t have known as I only know when I’m about to lift and then realize, “Uh, scratch that, I can’t.”

I talked to my supervisor around 10:45p last night and on my way home almost the entire time I was having a lot of symptoms of the OCD. I thought of that place again and really, really thought about going there. Again, not to act all the way through to hurt myself but to “plant the seed,” so to speak. To “scope out the area”, even. I knew this would be acting on it and I forgot how immediate action tends to be with me when it comes to these types of thoughts. I knew and recognized that if I went there that it would bring up old memories or that I could just relax and become grounded or I could sit back in the car and reminisce.

I wound up pulling over instead (of going to that place) by this familiar place we take Mokeys for walks. It was that intense fantasizing and playing out scenarios that weren’t even happening but felt like they were (a lot of thought-action fusion). As close as you can get to hallucinating without actually hallucinating. I sat there and listened to music for like 15 minutes. I teared up a little before then, too. I thought of driving around too but I didn’t.

The biggest thing I can say is that it felt like being back at the tea parties of my mind. And a song I’ve been listening to lately includes the lyrics “nobody even noticed” when referring to acts of death and that has been circling around my mind, too. My mind, the disorders, are trying to get me back in allegiance with them. That’s the big thing, really, this time. The disorders are saying that they are my “friends” and that they know what’s best for me. But they don’t. And they don’t have my best intentions in mind. It’s my mind playing tricks on me, really.

Then with my Mom, driving in the countryside today, I had this song come on on shuffle and it really changed things. It just reignited hope within me when before that I was really on the fence of being silent about these thoughts and letting myself go into self-sabotage etc. I know that it would be a stupid game and that I wouldn’t get anything out of it. The urges are still there and certainly the emotions are as well but it’s bought me some time, thankfully. I know I can do pros/cons lists, blog, reach out, listen to music, write, and read some books. This whole covid-19 thing is getting a little out of hand and some of the libraries are temporarily closing as well as changes happening at work, too.

For now, I have to face what I’m afraid of, even if I don’t want to, and I don’t. I guess soon I’ll have to start looking again for another job and radically accept from here what I can and can’t do.

I’m grateful that this song was the leading power in changing things for me tonight (close songs worth mentioning: “Got it in you” by BANNERS, “Skeleton” by Jessie Paege & “Hymn” by Kesha) I will probably go talk to someone for a bit now too and go back into my books thereafter. My tooth is really, really bothering me so I’ll probably brush my teeth tonight to hopefully help it out a bit. Hopefully it’s just a cavity.

Okay, I’ve been listening to this song for forever now so I’m going to go. Thank you so much for reading!!! Stay safe. xxx

BONUS:

My original title possibilities when coming up with this post. :3

  • I’m Afraid to Face What Comes Next
  • Self Sabotage to the End
  • Got A Chance to Get Better. Do I Take it or Watch Myself Suffer?

SADIF: Triggered by the Truth & Triggered by the Lies |#NEDAwareness

Song a day THUMB


Song Choice:

“Skeleton” by Jessie Paege

Trigger Warnings & Themes:

Eating disorders: anorexia/purging, mental health.

Empowerment, recovery, triumph, growth.

Video:

Chosen lyrics:

“I don’t know how to feed myself
A perfect body can’t fix a broken brain
This insanityβ€…keepsβ€…playing over andβ€…over and over
Throwing up my problemsβ€…won’t make ’em go away

 

And I’m so scared when I’m feeling hungry
But am I more afraid of finally feeling okay?

 

But I’m not gonna let you turn me to a skeleton, skeleton
You just wanna throw me back into your head again, head again
You just wanna leave me with no body, and nobody
But I’m not gonna let you turn me to a skeleton, skeleton
Skeleton

 

I need to apologize to my body
Will you forgive me for everything I’ve done?
All the secrets that I’d hide, late nights
Triggered by truth and triggered by the lies

 

And I’m so scared when I’m feeling hungry
But am I more afraid of slowly fading away?

 

Rest…..in…..peace, my disease
Rest…in…peace, my disease
Rest in peace, my disease
Rest.In.Peace.…”

My Meaning:

So, I didn’t actually fall in love with this song the first or second time that I heard it. It was released by the Youtuber and proud mental health advocate and LGBTQA+ community member Jessie Paege back in January this year (2020). But the more that I listened to it, the more that I saw and read the lyrics, the more I fell in love with the message about bringing awareness to a heavily misunderstood and stigmatized and even deadly mental health condition (eating disorders) as well as the story of immense and ongoing triumph over ED’s and moving forward in recovery. It’s honestly an immensely empowering, powerful and beacon of light type of song.

In it, Jessie describes her struggles with her ED and what she became aware of losing if she were to give into her ED voice and do as it says.

I’m thankful that she hasn’t and is continuously choosing not to to this day.

I, myself, have never experienced an ED. I have followed social media influencers who have struggled with them, read about them in forums and read over personal anecdotes from people who have at one point or another struggled deeply with them. I have friends from my day program who have struggled firsthand with EDs and I know that they are certainly no walk in the park. They are debilitating, serious and distressing conditions that, when unleashed recklessly by the disorders themselves, can consume an entire person’s identity and world, vastly warping their reality and so very often taking lives as they convince the owner that they don’t need help or that they can get better “on their own.”

A lot of times, for a lot of mental health conditions, we need to accept and know when to ask for help. If you are struggling with an eating disorder, I highly encourage checking out some of these awareness based websites and hotlines:

  1. NEDA
  2. Important calling information (pictured and highlighted below)
  3. NEDA’s page on ED Awareness Week (Feb. 24th-Mar 1st 2020)
  4. Teen Line for Youth with EDs
  5. ED Hope
  6. In particular these infographics from NEDA stood out to me: EDs and Co-Morbidity, EDs in Men, & EDs and Bullying and Weight Shaming

Contact the Helpline (USA) for support, resources and treatment options for yourself or a loved one.

Helpline phone hours are Monday-Thursday from 11AM to 9PM ET, and Friday from 11AM to 5PM ET.

Helpline chat hours are Monday-Thursday from 9AM to 9PM ET and Friday 9AM to 5PM ET.

Helpline volunteers are trained to help you find the information and support you are looking for. Reach out today! Or for crisis situations, text “NEDA” to 741741 to be connected with a trained volunteer at Crisis Text Line.

You may reach the Helpline at

(800) 931-2237

Additionally, because I am also writing a mental health based fanfic story, I have done some amounts of research for that through incorporating things I’ve heard or seen others use to describe their experiences. If you are interested in reading about a Loki centered Avengers mental health fanfic, delving deeply into depression, anorexia and suicidality, you can find it here:

Distorted & Disordered on Fanfic.net & Distorted & Disordered on AO3

But besides all of that, I’d like to finish this post with a few last words. Although I’ve never struggled with the pain and suffering evoked by living with an eating disorder, I have a lot of empathy and some baseline of understanding when it comes to the struggle. I, myself, was once bullied in school for how thin I presented. I still find it too triggering to look back on photos of myself from before 2018 where I gained weight due to an increased medication dose to treat my other mental health conditions. Although I am far happier and far more stable at my current weight, it was a shift and sometimes continues to be a shift to this day.

I know and I remember that when I was “thin” it wasn’t all this glamor and loveliness that my mind paints it to be. I know that I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t actively trying to lose weight despite how underweight I was. As part of the depression I live with, I had a lack of appetite and can only recall a handful of times over four years that I’d almost feel “good” about not having to eat or not caring to because I was planning to end my life in other ways. (Which, really isn’t all that great either!)

But when I look back on old videos or photos (which I make it a point NOT to do these days, avoidance is my biggest behavioral issue) I do “miss” what I once had. Even though it was terrible and shitty. I’ve never acted on it and the medication I’m on has actually increased my appetite and I know that it’s such a vulnerability factor to go a while without eating (like with sleeping and other generalized PLEASE skills from DBT) a proper meal and I don’t really tailor my food intake to a healthy degree (which I probably should, but I feel I’d have to see a nutritionist about it because I won’t do it by myself, or who knows, maybe I’ll turn a new leaf by looking at cooking blogs or something–I basically need a higher level of accountability, to be honest) rather “healthier” options (vegetables, fruits, etc.) but when I do see myself at lower weights or others at low weights, it messes with my brain a little. I find myself wanting to “go back” to that, even though I know it wasn’t glamorous or this glorified thing that my brain likes to paint it as (as it does with other issues in my life, thanks Brain!)

That’s as far as I’m able to relate, however. While I may have wandering thoughts or emotions about the topic of eating and overall food choices, I recognize that I lack the behavioral aspects of it and thus am not claiming to have struggles with an eating disorder. I cannot imagine that level of pain and mental torture each day as eating is such an overwhelming need to face multiple times a day. Or, maybe in some ways I am able to imagine it, I just haven’t had the lived experiences to match. Which, I want to make sure I don’t ever land into that category of “needing to experience it to understand it” (again, a lot of my other mental health conditions or warped brain processes are to blame for that issue) when empathy can go a long way and education and awareness can get me the extra few miles.

I don’t want to minimize or trivialize disorders as intense and distressing as eating disorders or disordered eating in general. They are absolute hell.

And I still believe that recovery from them is possible. I think, like with other mental health conditions in general (depression, bipolar, anxiety, OCD, BPD, etc.), that recovery is not necessarily a destination rather an ongoing choice each day to maintain wellness–physically and mentally–and to choose to tackle a situation that is causing harm and pain and suffering. I don’t believe EDs are a choice, there are so many factors and no one in their right state of mind would choose to have an ED. I do believe, as I do with many other conditions, that the recovery and treatment portions of the disease are choices. And I recognize that it is so complex and multi-faceted. It’s not as easy as “just eating” or going without several layers of multiple jumping loops. And ED’s themselves have so many reasons and beginning points, while also having similar ways of treating them and they are treatable, if the person is willing and ready to embark on that recovery journey.

For me, when it comes to watching some of the content of these creators in the limelight that sometimes border on glamorizing these conditions, I’m going to try my best to stay away and avoid them. I don’t want to be triggering myself into something so much larger than my own experiences. So I’m really going to try and stop and the process of that, like anything else, will have its ups and downs. What matters is that I keep trying. Ultimately the decision to get better is up to the one suffering from the condition. I have to learn to accept that there’s little I can do as an outside supporter. It sucks, it’s hard and it’s critical. It’s okay to take breaks and to distance myself from things that threaten my own well-being. The same is true for you, too. ❀

Some other great ED related Youtube channels that I’ve watched or could recommend include:

  1. EDucating Shanny
  2. Of Herbs and Altars
  3. Elzani

Finally, back to the song, I can relate to the emotion behind the song if not exactly the way it is acted upon. I think the song is catchy and has an extreme importance of a message in today’s society and those out there who may be struggling and trying to find their voice. I love the idea of the “funeral” for the ED, that now it’s time for Jessie, for the Listener, to take their power and wreak havoc out of what’s left of the ED. The idea of leaving it behind and recognizing that it doesn’t bear in mind the Survivor’s best interests is hugely critical. (It actually reminds me of the process I went through with “The Line” by The Dear Hunter for my mental health conditions back in the day).

Because, no, the ED is lying to you. No, the ED will never be satisfied. No, the ED won’t ever realize when enough is “enough.” The Survivor may experience moments of “bliss” between reaching “goal weights” yet there will always be another one set up thereafter. ED’s are bitches that need to be punched in the face. Tis the best treatment for any mental health condition. πŸ˜‰

And I also want to reiterate that ED’s can happen to anyone at any size, weight, struggle, SES, gender, identity, sexuality, race, ethnicity etc. Eating disorders do not discriminate. They are damaging and they are serious, serious conditions ranging from minor/mild to quite severe. If you think you or someone you know is struggling with an ED, please check out the websites above or the hotlines or Google them or call or check out videos or articles online that describe other people’s experiences and what helped them and then ask the one you care about those tough and necessary questions.

And if you are struggling, please know that you are strong enough to get through this and that you can one day be happy, genuinely happy, and that you’re going to be so proud of yourself when you’re able to reach a stabler mental state. It will be worth it. YOU are worth it. You have the power in you to get better and you’re gonna be so bright and light one day. You’ve got this. Keep fighting. xxx

 

Overall, thank you so much for reading this post, this song’s lyrics and the power and importance sang about it. Check out the resources and the people I’ve linked above! Thank you again. xxx

❀ ❀ ❀

PS I should mention, I’ve made it a point in my life to never count calories or exercise (which the latter is turning into more and more of a problem at work, I really need to improve this! D: Because actually having work where I need to use my muscles and strength to lift things is another factor in why I wouldn’t behaviorally act out in trying to do anything unhealthy to myself, luckily.)

Oh, How My Journey Has Evolved | Thoughts on Recovery & Music

create. inspire. love. - TWITTER HEADER NEW - 7.4.19 (2)

My current Twitter header since July 2019. ❀ I chose this photo to represent where I’m headed in my recovery and because it visually conceptualizes everything I want to focus on going forwards. Photograph is from uni back in like 2013 or so.


Dear Reader,

I thought of making this blog post as early as September 2019. I wanted to revisit not only where I’ve been but more importantly where I am now and where I plan to go from here. These 5 songs are only but a snippet of my journey, as you may know how impactful and reverberating music has been in my life, my art and my recovery. Music is a powerful force that allows us to feel understood, emote and to tell a story. It’s amazing how we can find other like-minded individuals, a reflection of our souls in others and this post, I hope, will highlight that further. I want to write this post as a PSA about suicide prevention, what’s helped me the most and how I can relate to these 5 particular songs, share the lyrics and their meaning with you all and place a thumbtack on my current experiences so that one day, in the future, I can look back on this post and smile, knowing I’ve done all I could and that that mattered most. Without further ado, and an activation warning in general, watch out for the topic of suicide and suicide prevention will be discussed in this post. Tread carefully.

Sending you light and love, and I’ll see you at the very end.

— Recovery Raquel ❀ ❀ ❀


Song #1:

Β  “1800 273 8255” by Logic ft. Alessia Cara & Khalid

Gosh, do I love this song. To describe a little about where this song reached me, where it transported me and where I see it today, I have to give you all some backstory. Although, to be honest, I stated it pretty well here: Newspaper Article, StWS: Give it Time (2017)

I first heard this song when I was on an inpatient unit back in June-July 2017. I heard it on the radio that someone was listening to from down the hall, hearing the words clear as day and crying to myself as I stared out the gated window, feelings washing over me as the lyrics rang around in my mind.

If you don’t already know, the title of the song itself: 1800 273 8255 is the USA’s nationwide suicide prevention lifeline phone number. People who are struggling or know someone who is can call for information, feedback and hopefully pulling someone away from or out of a crisis, no matter how temporary.

I’ve called this number many times. I’ve had my parents call it for me. But at the time, of 2017 and especially in Jan-Feb 2018, I could only relate to the song’s beginning, the struggle, the pain and the ambivalence. Deep into the throes of depression I genuinely thought life wouldn’t get better. I would listen to this song over and over, hoping desperately that things would change, that I would become myself again.

I been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?

I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter
I know it I know it I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home
Ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

This song spoke the words out of my mind and out of my mouth. I resonated with it deeply as I struggled, struggled, struggled. But it got better, as it always gets better. It’s a powerful song which sets a dark tone starting out yet brightens at the middle and especially at the end.

I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die today
You don’t gotta die
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die
Now lemme tell you why

It’s the very first breath
When your head’s been drowning underwater
And it’s the lightness in the air
When you’re there
Chest to chest with the lover
It’s holding on, though the road’s long
And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection
Finally knowing who it is
I know that you’ll thank God you did

Not only does this song share the darkness, it spreads the light ever farther. It’s amazing to know that others out there may be struggling, not that that’s a great thing in and of itself, but rather that these thoughts, these emotions, these experiences, can often times be universal, not caring for the ethnicity, race, language, culture, age, sexuality, gender identity, socioeconomic status and more of the individuals it impacts. Whether that’s a person with lived experience, friends, families, strangers, loved ones, etc. Suicide can impact anyone at any time. It’s one of the more tragic causes of death and the hard reality is that it’s being sought after more and more these days. So some people can think it only happens to a few, that mental health isn’t as “serious” or “important” as other illnesses, and yeah, you can live in that fantasy world, but it’s just that: a fantasy. Suicide won’t go away the more that you ignore it. In fact, invalidating and shaming someone for experiencing hardships and mental health conditions and substance use disorders, only perpetuates the stigma, silence and shame of the conditions in which these individuals are living with. Shame thrives on silence.

Which is why people like myself aim to break the silence. We aim to tell others that it’s okay even though everything FEELS not okay, it’s okay. You can make it through these thoughts and back on the other side of life. It’s possible. Recovery is possible. Give it time, things will change. Suicidal crises are temporary. They are time limited. Just buy yourself one more second, one more minute, and the rest will turn into days, weeks and months. It’s possible. It’s so, so possible. It will require work and effort, and it will be the brightest, most impactful work that you do.

I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’
I know you’re the reason I believe in life
What’s the day without a little night?
I’m just tryna shed a little light
It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now

I know the struggle. I know the pain is larger than everything right now. I know it’s hard to find any reason to keep on living, to keep on surviving, and I can tell you that it’s STILL out there, IN YOU, for a reason. You are never what happened to you, you are how you choose to get through it. Suicide can seem like the answer. It can seem like you weren’t cut out for living. That you may think others would be better off without you.

THEY WON’T BE.

Your brain is lying to you. And I know how tempting and disillusioned we can all get when facing them day after day after day.

But I’m here to tell you that it gets better. It gets brighter again. That life changes, that circumstances change, that your tolerance for pain will increase, that you can go from thoughts everyday of suicide to little to none. You can change your responses to events that happen in your life. You can learn new coping strategies. You can put the bottle down. Put down the substances. Put away the Internet. You can do it.

I believe in you, and I always will.

I finally wanna be alive (Finally wanna be alive)
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die today
I don’t wanna die
Finally wanna be alive (Finally wanna be alive)
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die
I don’t wanna die
(No, I don’t wanna die)
(I just wanna live)
(I just wanna live)

Even though you may still have the thought of suicide, the image of it, that it may creep in in another way, it doesn’t mean that you have to act on it. A thought is just that: a thought. Thoughts are not actions. You can still be safe even when your mind is telling you otherwise. We can’t choose having a condition but we can choose how we respond to it. We can choose our actions. We can choose to live another day. To find hope, to find true freedom within this realm, to find purpose and understanding, love and acceptance. It’s out there. It’s waiting for us. We have to have faith in ourselves and in the process to be able to go out there and catch it.

Pain don’t hurt the same, I know
The lane I travel feels alone
But I’m moving ’til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
But I don’t wanna cry
I don’t wanna cry anymore
I wanna feel alive
I don’t even wanna die anymore

And lastly, for this song, I will say this:

I went from chronic suicidal ideation over the course of four years. Today, 2019, I have little to none of those thoughts anymore. For my journey, finding purpose, advocacy, creativity, inspiration, the MCU and kindness has been essential. My journey isn’t over yet, far from it, there’s always more ways in which I can improve and cope and manage. Recovery will be a life-long commitment for me. But it’s there. It’s possible. I can work a job, I can get more experience in my field, and my first response to stress these days are to problem solve rather than take my own life. That’s huge. That’s HUGE. I still think of it here and there, intrusive OCD and all, but I don’t act on it. I don’t want to act on it. And even when I do, or I think I do, I persevere. I get through the urges. I write, I blog, I watch Youtube, I think of the next Marvel movie I want to see, the next book I want to read, the next person I could have the honor of impacting for the positive, the next great sunset, the next amazing video, the next recovery based project I can use to help others, and much, much more. It’s the little things and all the big things. It’s everything. Truly. Safety contracts were always helpful for me, and they saved my ass quite a few times. There’s some level of accountability there that keeps me going and preserving myself, ahaha.

And lastly, if you read my mental health based fan fiction story, you’ll have seen this song featured in this chapter: Distorted & Disordered – Chp 18


Song #2:

(COVER) “1800 273 8255” – Lynnea M.

I love Lynnea’s cover of this song that I hold so close and special to my heart and soul. Her angelic voice is perfect and I truly find myself seeing this song from a different perspective. After listening so many times to the original, it’s nice to have a fresh break with a cover that’s slightly different, slightly more emotive, slightly more…strong. I’ve listened to the original so much, it’s even on a CD I burned for myself, that I really want to add this edition to a new CD soon. The piano is a great touch too.

Also, if you want to see a little more about my story and journey you can check out this Youtube video I did where I incorporate this cover as well as my LONG version (short version to come soon) of my experiences with suicidal ideation and how I’ve gotten better.


Song #3:

“One More Light” by Linkin Park

This is a hard song to post. Harder to listen to. I almost cried a little hearing it again. It is a beautiful, beautiful song with a deep meaning and emotion. It’s just…too emotional for me.

Unfortunately I created a terrible relationship to this song when I was struggling the most in 2018. I still haven’t quite fixed that yet. Let’s jump right in (the quicker we can, the quicker we can move on):

Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
Cannot I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We’re quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do (did)

Bear with me as I edit this song’s lyrics a little. I didn’t realize it was “can I help”, rather I thought and always heard it as “cannot help”. I also took out the “do” and made it into a past tense of “did”, as you saw.

Personally, I used this song when I was very, very, very low. As you may know, the singer of this song was from the band Linkin Park, name Chester Bennington, who sadly took his life in 2017.

In 2018, I listened to this song religiously. I’m sad to say that I used the knowledge of his passing and the theme of this song to encourage myself to take my own life. It was just so sad and tragic and horrible and at the time I thought it was the perfect ending to my own story. I wanted to send these lyrics to my friends over text as my final goodbye. I know, really fucked up, but that’s the history behind it for me.

It wasn’t always like that and maybe in the future it will change again, too. It is a lovely song and I think it has a powerful message of grief and coming to terms with trauma as well as wanting to be there for others who are struggling and to let them know they aren’t alone and that their existence in this world is ever, ever so needed. I can recognize that and realize this without always appreciating the finer details of this song. But, it’s a part of my story, regardless.

The reminders pull the floor from your feet

In the kitchen, one more chair than you need

Oh, and you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair

Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

I suppose I can see how it (this song) relates to more than suicide, rather death in all its ugliness in its entirety. I still don’t love it, though. But, we’ll move on….


Song #4:

“Goodbye (I’m Sorry)” by Jamestown Story

Aaaaa, Jamestown Story!!! I LOVE this song. I’ve been in love with it for years, despite how sad and heartbreakingly sad, to be honest, it is. I am completely in love with the instruments used, the production of it, the beat, the captivation of the words and the story it tells. I was honestly concerned for the musician for a while before I found out how/why the song was written.

I think, in general, it’s a good time to also mention that if you find anyone listening to any of these songs, or others that are concerning to you, that it’s so, so, soooo important to bring it up to them and ask if they’re okay! Having a conversation matters so much and what we listen to for music, or watch on TV or read as a book, etc., can be a mirrored reflection of where we feel we’re at in life. So it’s always important to ask if someone is okay, naming specific patterns of behavior or expressions of sadness and pain. You can tell them that you care, that you’re worried/concerned for them and assure them that you’ll be there, if you really can be, for help or to listen to them vent. And you can also point them to local resources or the hotlines and even practice self-care for yourself and do the same! That’s my PSA at least. πŸ™‚ Now, for the song itself!

Time has run out for me, everything’s distant and I don’t know what to believe
It’s so hard, lost in the world confusion and I need to leave for awhile
Life is so meaningless
There is nothing worth a smile
So goodbye, I’ll miss you

And I’m sorry, but this is my fate
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay
And I’m sorry, but I’ve waited too long (waited too long)
So here’s my goodbye, no one will cry over me
I’m not worth any tears

IT’S. SO. SAD. And yet so beautifully, beautifully written.

This song came into my awareness of existing back in 2015, possibly even end of 2014. I can’t recall if this is the song that was presented in my abnormal psych class for depression but it is depression to a T! Maybe I just found it through searching on Youtube but shit, I love it. Like it’s awful in the sense of the subject matter, in the sense that the narrator feels SO low that they genuinely believe that they’re worthless and incapable of being helped and feeling better, and also just so descriptive of being what struggling with suicidal ideation is like. I don’t know, I love the functionality of this song so much that I can’t help but listen to it, even when I’m doing well and am not having thoughts, it’s just a classic from this band and speaks to the pain so, so well.

It’s been the years of abuse
Neglected to treat the disorder that controls my youth for so long
I’m in a fleshy tomb buried up above the ground
It’s no use, why should I hold on?
It’s been five years, don’t need one more
So goodbye, life’s abuse

And I’m sorry, but this is my fate
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay
And I’m sorry, but I’ve waited too long
So here’s my goodbye, no one will cry over me
I’m not worth any tears

Every 12* minutes somebody dies from a suicide
Every 28* seconds somebody attempts one
If you or anybody you know is suicidal call 1 800 273 8255

So the lyric I put in bold here really represented what depression was first like when I first heard this song back around 2015. It was like the most classic depiction of it for me and really made me fall more in love with the song. Again, it’s a very, very sad song and at the same time I love it all the same. I highly encourage checking out the band! Some of their other songs that I love include “Nothing’s Forever” and “Cry” and “How You Learn to Live Alone”.

PS Here is some information on suicide prevention, suicide loss survivors and those who have attempted suicide in the past, present or if it sadly happens in the future:

  1. The USA Lifeline
  2. HelpGuide
  3. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
  4. Beyond Blue (AU)
  5. Mind (UK)
  6. Metanoia

PPS: Think of the acronym IS PATH WARM? for suicide warning signs.


Song #5:

“Kamikaze” by WALK THE MOON

This is another great example of how I shouldn’t love this song, I shouldn’t love what it’s about but I am absolutely ENTHRALLED by it. I can’t help it! It’s so catchy and like upbeat even though it’s dark and tumultuous at the very same time. Let’s see…

I believe I just came across this song from my Alexa Echo Dot this year, so, that’s something. I just love the music in it and the beat is, like I said catchy, and just something to dance to and again, like I feel I shouldn’t like it but I do. Gwah!

Here in this room
I’m chasing down my demons, I can hear them breathing
But who knew
You would be my comfort, you could bring me healing

Well if my friend’s gonna let me slide
How come you never left my side
Before I go make it last all night
While I slip into the great divide

(Woman!)
Stepping out of body, no matter what you call it
I’m a kamikaze (oh I, oh I)
Abandon all your logic, and put your money on it
I’m a kamikaze (oh I, oh I)
Going down with my wings on fire
Guess I’ll see you in another life
(Woman!)
Stepping out of body, you can tell everybody
Mama I’m a kamikaze (oh I, oh I)

So, I totally never knew it said “woman” I thought it was just like “MA-WA” but, apparently it’s an actual word, lmao. I just love the head banging potential this song has, you know? I definitely don’t get the deeper meaning of the song itself but I’m pretty cool with just jamming out to this song, you know. Yep. I can accept this fate.

All is not lost
My veins are seething, I can feel the freedom
Let them talk
It’s not about the crown, we could share the kingdom

……

Stepping out of body, no matter how you call it
This is suicidal, honey, nothing you can do about it
Let me take the check with the reckless abandon on it
Just call me kamikaze

Maybe it’s about romantic relationships? Maybe it’s about self-destruction? Maybe it’s about self-destruction because of romantic failures? I don’t know for sure, honestly.

However, that about wraps up the entirety of this post!!

 

I hope that you enjoyed reading this, that you gathered something out of it, and it was a mission, it was time pretty well spent on my end. It took me 2 hours to write this, so there ya go. But I really wanted to write it so hopefully you have learned more about myself or about recovery and everything else about it like that. I hope that this post finds you all right and maybe gets you thinking about other ways that the entertainment you consume on a daily business shapes and molds you in different ways.

For now, that’s it from me!

I’ll see you in a next post, either about my recovery projects, fanfiction, art, and more. Thank you so much for reading!!!

Stay safe. ❀ ❀ ❀

PS Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these songs or their lyrics and all credit goes to their respective artists. I found the lyrics through Google and shared the videos I listen to most for that particular song. πŸ™‚

Here’s to the Lives that You’re Gonna Change |SADIJ1 & Get Well Soon Cards

Song a day THUMB


Chosen song:

Have It All by Jason Mraz

Video:

Chosen Lyrics:

May you have auspiciousness and causes of success
May you have the confidence to always do your best
May you take no effort in your being generous
Sharing what you can, nothing more nothing less
May you know the meaning of the word happiness
May you always lead from the beating in your chest
May you be treated like an esteemed guest
May you get to rest, may you catch your breath
And may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows
And may the road less paved be the road that you follow
Well here’s to the hearts that you’re gonna break
Here’s to the lives that you’re gonna change
Here’s to the infinite possible ways to love you
I want you to have it
Here’s to the good times we’re gonna have
You don’t need money, you got a free pass
Here’s to the fact that I’ll be sad without you
I want you to have it all
May you be as fascinating as a slap bracelet
May you keep the chaos and the clutter off your desk
May you have unquestionable health and less stress
Having no possessions though immeasurable wealth
May you get a gold star on your next test
May your educated guesses always be correct
And may you win prizes shining like diamonds
May you really own it each moment to the next
Oh, I want you to have it all
All you can imagine
All, no matter what your path is
If you believe it then anything can happen
Go, go, go raise your glasses
Go, go, go you can have it all
I toast you
My meaning:
I’ve already been listening to this song for over an hour today but I wanted to do something a little different and actually write up a blog post even though my attention span is fraying and fleeting. Regardless, here is a song a day mental health edition as I haven’t done one in a long time!
This song, I came across on the radio maybe spring time 2018. I really fell in love with it and it really imprisons everything about me and my life and my hopes in another person, which is always awesome, so we can continue to spread kindness and compassion everywhere we can!!! ❀
I mentioned this song before to my friend Diary and I feel it’s such a happy, positive, well-lit song that spreads hope and love and kindness in a world that is so often lacking in those qualities.
I hope that it gives you a smile and a feeling of being treasured and warm on the inside out. πŸ™‚ ❀ ❀ ❀
Chosen emoticon:
😘😘😘 = kissing face!

Additionally, someone that I follow that I have written about in the past, a few years ago, is beginning, likely, they’re recovery journey from an eating disorder, and with it also happening to be eating disorder awareness week, I want to send them support, compassion and encouragement in this difficult time–in the hopes that they will later see them when they are ready or if they choose to at all return to social media.
So if you have any suggestions on words, phrases, quotes, song lyrics, color choices, patterns, pictures, etc. let me know in the comments down below; in a DM on Twitter (I’m @RecoveryRaquel); or in an email which you can contact me through my contact page here on this blog.
I’m thinking of creating a card for them every 3 days and will directly tweet at them on Twitter and also post here if that would be helpful or interesting for anybody. I’m going to not have their direct name in the image itself so it can be applicable somewhat to other people wandering through recovery.
My intention would be to spread kindness, positivity, hope, light, warmth and more. This person has done a lot for the online communities (maybe not always positive), and although they’ve lost their way a bit, it’s going to get better from here. I have hope and light for them, if even right now they don’t have it for themselves.
So, any ideas would be much appreciated!!
This is kinda like an online form of Recovery Reinforcer. XD
Maybe I will tag it as such later on in these card creations…I’m not sure yet!
Any who, I hope you guys are well!
I will be having a 1 year out of the hospital post on Valentine’s day! And hopefully a few videos up and out this week as well. πŸ™‚
Thank you for reading/listening! ❀ ❀ ❀
Hope You feel better Soon! - Card 1 for Athena - 2.12.19

It’s Never Easy to Walk Away; Let Her Go, It’ll Be Okay | SADIA2| #WWRRM

Song a day THUMB


Song:

Be All Right by Dean Lewis

Warnings:

Substance use, cheating, break-ups

Video:

Chosen Lyrics:

“I look up from the ground
To see your sad and teary eyes
You look away from me
And I see there’s something you’re trying to hide
And I reach for your hand but it’s cold
You pull away again
And I wonder what’s on your mind
And then you say to me you made a dumb mistake
You start to tremble and your voice begins to break
You say the cigarettes on the counter weren’t your friends
They were my mates
And I feel the color draining from my face

And my friend said
“I know you love her, but it’s over, mate
It doesn’t matter, put the phone away
It’s never easy to walk away, let her go
It’ll be alright”

So I asked to look back at all the messages you’d sent
And I know it wasn’t right, but it was fucking with my head
And everything deleted like the past, it was gone
And when I touched your face, I could tell you’re moving on
But it’s not the fact that you kissed him yesterday
It’s the feeling of betrayal, that I just can’t seem to shake
And everything I know tells me that I should walk away
But I just want to stay

And my friend said
“I know you love her, but it’s over, mate
It doesn’t matter, put the phone away
It’s never easy to walk away, let her go
It’ll be okay
It’s gonna hurt for a bit of time
So bottoms up, let’s forget tonight
You’ll find another and you’ll be just fine
Let her go”

But nothing heals the past like time
And they can’t steal
The love you’re born to find……”

Lyrics adapted this time from: Genius

My Meaning:

I included a lot more of the lyrics this time with this song because I just love the story that is being told and I really appreciate how full of emotion and change and breathtaking betrayal is within every line of this song. I didn’t even realize it was a story of cheating until maybe ten times into listening to this song (I was using it as background noise after doing my coursework for a while this evening after it being suggested to me again on YouTube except that I’ve had it on replay on the loop videos site for the last couple of hours) and I found that to be a cliff-hanger and a game changer and really, really knew I wanted to share this song with all of you as well.

I think it’s more than even being about romantic relationships but any relationship that you thought one way about a person and the truth turns out to be so very wrong and vile in some other way that you were not expecting.

And of course there’s the logical side of you that knows they’re toxic for you for whatever reason but emotionally it’s so much harder to keep up with and know that you need to break away from them. Reminds me of Luna, to be honest. Especially since I have a bit of internal cringe every time I think of my two sketchbook drawings inspired from them which is also probably the reason why I’ve been avoiding my sketchbook for the better portion of this year, 2018.

I also appreciate the way the friends to the speaker in this song reassure him (them?) that things will be okay eventually, it hurts now for sure and it will for a while and he will still find a way through it. It’s humanizing and relatable and I love this song so much (which is why I wanted to download it until my iTunes fucked up and made me even more pissed off than what I already was feeling).

I was almost going to title this post with the line “It doesn’t matter, put the phone away” to relate to that Online Toxicity post I did a week ago, but then I decided to do the one I chose above instead. Mainly to separate this post from the one a week ago. πŸ™‚ Plus in a way, I think it does even relate to that post with the current reference.

I think the whole concept of letting people go, especially those we’ve been emotionally or physically involved with and know that logically they’re no good for us (or vice versa) is so, so crucial and critical in the theme of recovery and wellness. Because we can love someone so dearly and need to let them go all the same. And it hurts. Badly. But sometimes it’s for the best–either for them, or ultimately, for us.

On Genius as well, you can see a blurb from the artist and he mentions how while about breaking apart this song is also about hope, which I do agree with. It’s the end of one relationship and the start of a new one. πŸ™‚

Chosen emoticon:

🀬 🀬 🀬


11p Edit:

Okay, I took a break and during the time of my writing this post I got the newest version of iTunes and am now downloading some new songs to my iPod. I’d also like to share, of course, today’s daily black&white photograph below that showcases my current annoying grade which is a solid C in my summer class (I got an 80 on the quiz today) and I’m still a bit further behind than what I’d like to be and still have some art stuff to finish for tomorrow and am not sure if I’ll finish that plus I had coffee so I may not fall asleep til about 1:30a again like last night (which if that’s the case I may as well just stay up to do the watercoloring) We’ll see.

Okay, that’s it from me. Hope you got something out of this post!

IMG_0102 - Chosen

And yes, I have on my hot pink Hello Kitty crowned socks. :3

Thanks for stopping by!!! ❀ ❀ ❀ xxx

PS I can’t wait til this school crap is over with. Although overall it’s all right, it just takes longer to prepare than it is to actually do the project/quiz. Regardless…

I Want To Be A Role Model, But I’m Only Human | SADIA2 | #WWRRM

Song a day THUMB

Chosen black&white photograph of Day #5 will be at the bottom, PLUS a BONUS photo!! πŸ™‚

Enjoy!!!


#WWRRM THUMB(1)

Song choice:

Sober by Demi Lovato

Warnings:

Substance use, relapse, suicidal ideation

Video:

Chosen lyrics:

“I got no excuses

For all of these goodbyes

Call me when it’s over
‘Cause I’m dying inside
Wake me when the shakes are gone
And the cold sweats disappear
Call me when it’s over
And myself has reappeared
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why
I do it every, every, every time
It’s only when I’m lonely
Sometimes I just wanna cave
And I don’t wanna fight
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try
Just hold me, I’m lonely
Momma, I’m so sorry, I’m not sober anymore
And Daddy, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor
To the ones who never left me
We’ve been down this road before
I’m so sorry, I’m not sober anymore
And I’m sorry for the fans I lost
Who watched me fall again
I wanna be a role model
But I’m only human
I’m sorry that I’m here again
I promise I’ll get help
It wasn’t my intention
I’m sorry to myself….”
My Meaning:

Again, the spacing is a little fucked up but we’ll work with it. I actually really adore this slow song because there’s a familiarity and a community within it. It’s markedly different than the other songs Demi’s done before in her career and she is such an advocate for mental health awareness and the trials of substance use disorders and I am really, really glad she is still with us.

I cannot begin to imagine the immense strength it takes for her and others struggling with these issues to stand tall, proud and push onwards towards recovery each and every single moment and minute of the day.

It’s difficult for all of us when we relapse–or even when we lapse. This song is being truthful and honest in struggling and slipping up. It is so, so, so important for us to recognize that we ARE only human and that we won’t always be happy every minute of the day and that the things we struggle with have the capability to knock us down whenever they can–and that this life is still so very much worth living.

So, hold your lights up high as you sway to the beat of this song. And know that you are not alone in this audience. You are never alone at all. I know it might be easier to let the darkness win, but you matter so very, very much and you can get through this difficult time to shine like a rainbow lighthouse for hundreds of others. It is a power to not hold lightly (no pun intended), and I hope that you choose to hold it either way, for your sake and for the thousands of others who watch silently by your side.
You can inspire thousands by the choices you make each and every day. If only you are to turn on the light and raise your voice up high.

I believe in you. ❀ ❀ ❀


Photo submission: Day #5 out of 31.

I brought Mokeys to doggy playtime today and brought my camera along so I could take pictures for today’s due date! I chose two into black&white from the original color and I think they both rock it well. There was a German shepherd puppy 4.5 months old named Drax playing with Mokeys for a long while and then this black&white doggo Gracie. I found their facial expressions in this shot to be a great depiction of the hour there! Ahaha. I forget what the little guy’s name is XD The little guy was totally just taking advantage of the situation though, and you can just see Mokeys in the top corner sniffing at him XD

IMG_0009 - Chosen

In the second photo, I took shots of Angelo the husky with one blue eye and with one brown eye. He was chilling in the kiddie play spaces. The color version REALLY pops, and I think it also rocks in black&white too. πŸ™‚ Hence the bonus photograph of the day!

IMG_0014 Choice 2

I hope that you enjoyed this post! I’m off to work on some kind of coursework schedule, plan for tomorrow, fill out my planner/journal/diary card/DBT-I homework and eat some yummy ice cream!! πŸ™‚

Love to all of you! ❀ xxxx

I Didn’t Know I Could Get This Low |SADIA2; ft. New Layout Photos, Day #4 Black&White Photography & A Vent| #WWRRM

Today’s Day #4 submission of black&white photography is at the end.

I will also include the new photo images for the layout of this blog. πŸ™‚

Enjoy this post!!


Before I get started with the main topic of this post, I need to clear my head from the cobwebs and spindly spiders that are encompassed in my mind at the moment. (And as you can now tell from the title we have a LOT of ground to cover here. Feels like my life at this point!!)

So, I was supposed to work a lot on coursework today (as you’ll see at the end, that’s what today’s photograph is on) but things didn’t go according to plan. Using the coping strategy “a brief vacation” turned into a two hour nap that at LEAST when I woke up from I felt more energized (although I’m NOT very tired now and it’s 9p) and got my assessment assignment done within one hour. But procrastination rolled into YouTube videos and Twitter threads (not my own this time) made the hours go by fast and now I’m struggling to keep my head up above the water. Because there’s A LOT of water here now.

And I mean I DO have a plan for how I’m going to attack the situation now, so that’s SOMETHING. I’m going to write out a more concise and understandable list for myself for all my remaining assignments and the weeks they were attached to, or something like that.

I was able to use my planner for dates things are due so that’s also helpful. I have to return 3 books to the local library tomorrow/Monday, as one of the books I started but was really, really struggling with so I’m going to write down the notes for the review from the page flags I currently have so I can take them out and return the book and later this year attack the 3 again when I have more time (hopefully before the end of this year).

I have about 6 other books from various places plus ones I own that I can use and read and review in the interim. There are no shortage of books in my possession, that’s for sure!

I’d like to update with a new video relatively soon, although I’m having problems with that quality-wise and I’m stuck with how to fix that because my quality of 4 videos have been shot with a muddy shoe (only online, the originals are fine) and I think it MIGHT be because of a setting when exporting that I changed but the alternative cannot be large GB files because they crash my computer entirely. So, I’m kinda stuck there.

I’d also like to update my fanfics soon, but that’s a whole other problem.

I also need to clean/re-organize my room because it’s a hella mess. There’s just so much stuff EVERYWHERE–and probably would help my mental health if I fixed it up a bit. There’s just SO MUCH to do all at once!!!

I don’t know, it’s just a lot. I know I’d like to clean my room by the end of the summer. I still have to order my fall materials from the website–hopefully tonight. Then I have to finish the academic list from that current class and fill out how long I was online today (I’ve been tracking that for 3 weeks now) and fill out my journal for today’s post.

Speaking of, I’m converting yesterday’s post into an article for the semester.

I figured today would be a good day to do another song a day challenge because there’s a song I’m listening to right now that’s pretty neutral and is setting myself up nicely in terms of being enjoyable and calming. So, with everything said out of the way–I’m hoping to bring Mokeys to the doggo place tomorrow and do some art with a friend although I don’t feel that I deserve it because I haven’t done my schoolwork but maybe that list soon will help.

Thank you for reading.

I also want to get more involved again on WordPress. Sigh. I’ll try my best and call it an evening. πŸ™‚ ❀ Until the end!! ❀ ❀ ❀


Song a day THUMB

Song choice:

“Low” by Greyson Chance

Warnings:

None!

Video:

Chosen lyrics:

“I am lost and I don’t know where to go no more
I’ve been hurt but I’ve never been hurt this much before
I feel lonely, lonely, lonely traveling down this road
They say through time I’ll find some healing but the clock goes slow
I didn’t know that I could get this low
And I, and I don’t know where to go
And I, and I, know, know
I see a dark reflection in my dashboard
Don’t even know where I’m driving to anymore
I think about us back together someday
What you doing this Sunday?
I needed space so I left home
But now I’m desperate for the things I know
Like how you made me laugh on a bad day
Where are you now, I need you babe
And I don’t know where to go
Remember all the days when we were so young
Riding top down in the city that I used to love
I hear those words you said when you were shitfaced
Told me to stop playing all those games
But I wasn’t then, and I’m not now
Didn’t know how to feel when you broke me down
I needed time to move around without you
But I think I’m ready to hear “I love you” “

My meaning:

As you can tell, it’s mainly about a relationship, probably a romantic one but it can be applied more generally, too, I think. I haven’t been in a romantic relationship for nearly the last decade so I don’t relate to that all that much but this song is very soothing and I’ve enjoyed his work before and his voice has matured just SO MUCH and I think he’s a terrific artist.

It interestingly has that same concept about loneliness that Demi Lovato mentions in her newest song “Sober” (which I will one day this month cover here). But I enjoy the descriptions and how I can visualize them in my mind and how I can relate to driving around and not knowing where to go or who I am entirely. I like that about this song, there’s a community, a unity, in it and I think it deserves more attention than what it’s getting.

I was almost going to listen to a different song for the background music of this post but I’m glad I chose this one. It made today’s post a little lighter in spite of all the stress and change I’m currently facing. So that’s a major plus!!

Okay, time for photos! (And I hope my spacing later in this post isn’t too messed up because the block quote kinda fucked it all up!! :/)

 

Chosen emoticon:

πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

Because these spacing issues are bugging the shit out of me.


So here’s the traditional WWRRM thumb even though the vent portion came first. I don’t know, just bear with me on this jumbled and chaotic post because nothing is doing what I want it to. Fucking spacing!!

#WWRRM THUMB(1)

**NEW blog layout photos**

Header:

This shot is from the shoot I did on Friday but wasn’t able to share right away and may have to be postponed until the end of the month (or at least past the 15th). 1/4 through the shoot my camera didn’t want to focus on the peacock necklace and the dish so I shot with what I had which was a bunch of bokeh. This is the original first below πŸ™‚

 

IMG_9850

And this is the cropped portion that appears behind “Recovery to Wellness”:

cropped-img_9850.jpg

And this is the new photo from a sunset shoot I did at the start of July (and got plenty of mosquito bites on my legs from) that is featured as the text background on my blog:

IMG_9194

And here is the cropped version that shows up in the background (or, it’s supposed to, but I think the smaller portion that is actually a part of the background is the top left of the image above. It’s like a tiny part of the sky–somewhere along the pink I believe):

cropped-img_9194.jpg

And now, final part!!


Day #4’s black&white photograph (as mostly today was a battle of trying to do schoolwork and everything):

IMG_9883 - Chosen

What I find especially cool about this photograph is that the black bar showed up as this is a photo of my laptop screen, and although I shot in color, I feel the black&white really works for this piece and the black bar is especially spooky and eerie in terms of the content (cancer) of this course. πŸ™‚

Let me know if you’d like to see more of the shots that came from this shoot as well. ❀

Hope you made it through this post!! I know it was a lot. Thanks for reading. ❀ ❀ ❀ xxxx

Sometimes I feel like Giving Up, But I just Can’t–It Isn’t In My Blood | SADIM2 | #Blog4MH

Song a day THUMB

Hello, welcome, welcome. Today I am kicking off blogging for mental health awareness month, this May 2018, with another song a day mental health edition challenge. The last song a day I did was back in January this year and I haven’t had all that many blog posts for this year, and that’s something I want to work towards changing both for this month and for the remainder of 2018. I did the #Blog4MH challenge for part of last May in 2017, and I’d like to return to it this year as well (which is why you’ll see these posts be mixed in with last year’s if you use the category section at the end of my blog page). Any who, let’s begin. (I haven’t had the best of days and I’d like to distract myself a bit more from that). Without further ado….Oh, I nearly forgot, this thumb is for this year as well…

mental health awareness month THUMB 4.19.18


Song choice:

“In My Blood” by Shawn Mendes

Warnings:

Mentions of substance use.

Video:

 

Chosen lyrics:

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in,

Sometimes I feel like giving up

But I just can’t

It isn’t in my blood

 

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing

I’m overwhelmed and insecure…

Keep telling me that it gets better

Does it ever?

 

Someone help me

I’m crawling in my skin

Sometimes I feel like giving up

But I just can’t

It isn’t in my blood

 

I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious

Afraid to be alone again, I hate this

I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh

Is there somebody who could

Help me

 

I need somebody now

I need somebody now

Someone to help me out

I need somebody now

Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in

Sometimes I feel like giving up

But I just can’t

It isn’t in my blood

I need somebody now

It isn’t in my blood

My Meaning:

When I first heard this song it was a little dark and I heard it on the radio. I didn’t totally appreciate it until I was back in the hole with depression and when I listened to it, it felt like everything that I had ever experienced in my life made into one song. The lyrics and theme that giving up “isn’t in my blood” just rings so true for me–for better or for worse. It doesn’t deny the feeling of wanting to give up, of wanting to give into the thoughts of suicide or self-harm or just depression’s deep and utter bullshit, AND it recognizes the strength that innately is within an individual to not give up despite life’s bullshit. It’s a cry out for help, (and we all know how I hate that phrase), and there’s just something I find deeply moving about the song. It’s a way of saying ‘Hey, I’m not okay, I need someone and you’re not alone in this feeling either’. It’s like putting words to a pain so immense that sometimes it’s easy to forget that it even lives there at all (especially when times are GOOD).

That’s about all I got, for this one. For this month of mental health awareness, you can expect more pieces like this one, my continuation of the ‘A-Z challenge’ mental health edition, lessons learned lectures (L3) and every other day Youtube videos about art and recovery and well, L3 stuff, so, yeah. I want to try and get back to my roots a bit with blogging since I’ve been neglecting this space for a time. For now, that’s all I’ve got, or at least all I want to mention here. (Depression is taking over from anxiety and some other unrelated bullshittery).

Stay safe.

Chosen emoticons:

Β πŸ€– πŸ€– πŸ€– = a robot