Question: What do you do when you have different people’s opinions fogging up the windshield of your car?
Answer: I don’t know, I haven’t gotten that far yet.
So, I have the chance to do a proper life update slash blog snazziness post and I’ll be honest with you, I really, really don’t like this particular thumb (and I’m aware it’s no longer Thursday but I’m also aware that I’ve been trying to write this post for the last two weeks and it’s getting out of hand and I’d really like to just get this over with and move forwards–no irony intended–and onto my next round of thumbs and their subsequent blog posts) but I’m here and that’s what matters, I suppose.
I like this idea, this concept, of “being someone.” That sentence, that concept, just holds so much weight for me. I use it briefly here and I have an upcoming thumb just dedicated towards it and I really, really love it. It really empowers and inspires me.
And recently I’ve been inspired.
Actually, in more ways than one…
Yesterday I did my Create Day versus Consume Day blog post with its own new thumbs. That was really, really cool. It was so nice to get back into blogging for a bit, even if towards the end it was getting incredibly monotonous and dragging on and on (more indicative to myself that I needed a break but was too all or nothing about it that I wanted to finish before I lost track of the Muse and where it was taking me).
But still, I did it. 🙂
So, yes, I’ve been inspired in creating new things lately–Youtube videos, getting back into writing fanfics, graphic designing for flyers (if we’re lucky, I’ll include a slideshow for some NAMI related flyers for a Peer to Peer class I’ll be teaching in November (if you’re in the Randolph MA area, send me an email/message if you’re someone living with a mental health condition and wish to attend! It’s free!!!)), graphic designing for thumbs, blog posts, and more. A couple were painting/watercoloring some wood and just getting new art supplies. 🙂 Shopping and hanging out with friends, too! 😀
All trades pursued while undertaking trainings at my new job, which I’ve named Amaryllis, I finally have a code name for it! 🙂 Speaking of my job, I got the email early this week for certain that I’d be teaching the Peer to Peer class up in Randolph. It will be my first time teaching it and you know I’ve got to spend the next 2 weeks preparing and reading over and filling out all the binders and information since I’ve forgotten everything that went into it since I last got trained for it back in April 2019. XD
So there’s that.
But I’ll also be doing IOOV stuff too, here and there, so I officially have about 3 ongoing jobs. How I’m going to balance it all….heh heh heh, that’s the real challenge.
It’s gotten all in my mind in the last week about my dreams, my successes and where I want to be.
I don’t know if this will come as a shock or not but I really want to “be someone.” Again, we return to that theme. I want to be well-known and hopefully for the right reasons. I want to be a loud and proud advocate. I want my story to help others. I want my story to inspire others.
I want to go back to my roots–go out there and make a TEDtalk speech. I want to do maybe even public speaking as a whole. Maybe do some kind of motivational speeches. I want to use my story and my strengths and what I’ve gone through to help other people out there who may be struggling in silence. I want to remove the ugly tape stains that stigma leaves behind and I want others to help me do this process, the nitty gritty work, too.
I don’t want to be confined to a desk or, maybe even a laptop. I want to be like the next Kevin Hines just minus the intense suicide attempt. (Also, this is a good nudge to what next week’s topic will cover in Thumb Thursday, hint hint ;))
I feel much like an actress, unknown to the world around her: I feel like I’ve been waiting for my next big break. I’ve been waiting to be discovered.
And some things are falling into place.
There was a recovery based video filmed for Passages earlier this year, if you happen to remember that Youtube video I did about it or if I posted about it on my blog back in Feb this year…. That will be launching online soon. (I hope). I can probably even do like some type of reaction to it or something, if that’s something people would be interested in. Not sure how I’d film that though, but I’m willing to work with it!
I also want to do some more commentary pieces on this blog towards some of the things (like TEDtalks) that have inspired me, particularly the two that inspired me in the last week to even have any of these thoughts.
It’s like I’ve just been revived. It’s like I’ve just been rejuvenated. I feel all my dreams coming back into the forefront and I’m ready. I’m ready now. I’m ready to make them into my reality.
I really think that I can make a difference. I want to write a memoir, I want to write an art and recovery book, I want Recovery Home and Recovery Reinforcer and Recovery Restoration to become big time projects to help spread art therapy and recovery stories around the world. (Although I’ll settle for just MA for now ahaha). I want to be a beacon. I want to spread my positivity and kindness and compassion for others.
This all falls back to that one photo I took three years ago. I shared this story at program last Friday but I’ll refresh all of our memories now, too. A religion based club was doing a photo booth type thing on campus back in 2016 asking people who volunteered to contribute where they saw themselves in 5 years and what they’d be doing. They gave us a Sharpie to write it on our palm, took a photo and then put it up with all the others from other hands and other hearts and other lives that had been collected, so to speak.
This was mine:
I wanted to be sharing my story. I wanted for people to hear me. I wanted for people to see me. To see where I’ve been. To see where I’m at. To see where I’m going.
It’s how I ever started getting into advocacy. I saw my own NAMI IOOV presentation while in college (fall 2014) and the lessons I learned from brave souls telling their mental health journeys stuck with me even until today–so much so that I’ve used some of their words of wisdom in my own life, in my own art, in my own recovery, in words I pass on to my friends.
I got involved in NAMI, in advocacy, because of a book I never finished and a journal I equally never finished where one of the daily prompts was to take opportunities by the horns and do something to change your current circumstances. So I got involved in advocacy. I started writing articles in the newspaper. I became, I hope, a role model. To whomever read my work.
And I, I think I’d forgotten that. Somewhere along the way, I forgot why this spark of a flame was ignited within my soul. I forgot that I wanted to be more. I forgot about the reason why I speak, why I talk, why I say, “Hey I’m struggling and you can still struggle and still live a life worth living regardless.” I want to change something. The world, one person’s world, the universe. I don’t want to necessarily limit my dreaming. 🙂
I…. I want to be more than I am right now.
Isn’t that what we all want?
There’s so much I want to do. So much I want to live to do.
I guess that somewhere along the way, I forgot why. Why I do what I do. I just got so used to doing it that I stopped thinking about the impact I could be having on others. And maybe part of that was because I wasn’t in a stable mindset, certainly not a stability emotionally that I’ve now been in for many months.
I forgot the reason why I stood up. I forgot that I wanted something in the world to be different because of my efforts. I forgot that I wanted to be something greater. I forgot that I had grown tired of waiting on the sidelines for some other bystander to stand up and fight, until I realized, well, if no one else is (or few else are) going to do it, then I guess it’s up to me.
That’s why I stand. That’s why I sacrifice my name, my identity, to place a name and a face to the struggles of mental health conditions. I knew it might kill my job placements. I knew it might interfere with other tasks and accomplishments I wanted to make in my life.
But I did it anyways.
Because I knew it mattered. I knew the Greater Good was out there. I knew I had to speak up, because if I waited too long, if I wanted in silence, I knew it might never come to exist.
So, I stand. I stand tall and I let my voice be heard. Because maybe, yeah, maybe it’s going into a Void at the moment, but I know that maybe it can be found by someone some time soon and maybe I’ll get a kind soul who takes the time out to read my words or hear my voice and then write a comment acknowledging me further in the comments section below.
I guess I’d never know if I didn’t try. If I didn’t put myself out there in any way, I’d never have feedback. The feedback isn’t guaranteed when I do put myself out there, but the possibility of it is increased. And, that’s good enough for me.
I wonder sometimes about why I’m doing what I’m doing online and offline. I’d forgotten why for what feels like centuries, but I’m being reminded again now. Being reminded each day.
I know Amaryllis isn’t my end goal. I want to be so much larger and bigger and brighter than it, but I think it will give me a lot of real world experience from which to grow and mature. It will be a challenge and a real test of my skills, and I think that is something I’m slowly getting more used to.
But, I guess like Thor tells Loki in that elevator in Thor: Ragnarok — why would Loki choose to lie and betray Thor (as it’s gotten so predictable) when he could be something more?
I want to be something more.
I think I got so confined to where I’m at in the world right now that I forgot the bigger picture. I want to work each day, each moment, each week to going further than I ever have before.
So, no, I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know if ANYBODY knows how to do it.
But we all have to start somewhere.
And I’m ready.
I’m ready now to start.
Sometimes, sometimes I also wonder if I were to pass on before I got out everything I wanted to do, if anyone else after me would be able to take up my words–take up my fanfics, take up my ideas, take up my stories. Or would that be the end of the line for me? For what I had to create? What I had to show? I wonder, sometimes, I wonder.
I also feel that those of us who struggle with mental health conditions are probably some of the most caring, compassionate, empathetic and kind souls around. It’s not easy to take on the task of bettering yourself and growing as a human being. Most of us didn’t ask for this shit to happen to us, so it’s so, so, so important that we get support from those around us, that we aren’t judged, that we are validated, that we are loved. I think those who’ve struggled probably show more compassion and appreciation to each other than most “normies” because even the normies forget that we all struggle with something. At some point, in some moment, there was a struggle, for whatever reason. And I think it’s those who’ve traveled the hard road that can share their love and care and wonder with those who may be struggling, sometimes unbeknownst to us at the time. We don’t necessarily know what demons a person is fighting. So, be kind. Be kind and show appreciation. It goes a long, long way.
Thank you so much for reading. Sending you light and love, and oh, here are those flyers:: ❤ ❤ ❤ If you can, please share this post with as many people as you can. Love you guys.
Background music brought to you by: