Violence, drug use, sexual content, language, PTSD, trauma, paranoia, death.
Weapons of mass destruction, militarization, superheroes, villains, romance, imprisonment, caged, heart monitors, running, avoidance, power hungry, antidotes, getting rid of unwanted characteristics vs controlling it (in this case, being Hulk), saving the day, anger, love, hate, on the run, escapism, supersoldier, safety/unsafe, flashbacks, scientists, lies, “[Banner’s whole body is considered] government property”, emotional, rescue, gamma poisoning, traveling.
Where I watched it from:
Amazon Prime Video
As previously done in my “Iron Man” review, I will not be writing my own version of “The Incredible Hulk’s” plot summary, rather instead listing some other accounts of people who’ve done it far better than I ever could. 💚🖤
**If you happen to write MCU reviews and would like me to shout you out in the future with the corresponding movie, just let me know in a comment or email via by Contact page or my other social media. Thanks for contributing!!
Memorable Quotes or Scenes:
When the army leader told Tim Roth’s character about the Hulk and Roth was confused but the guy just said, “It was Banner.” That just really struck me and really stood out to me. I think it highlights the fact that everyone (or almost everyone, at least the big people in charge) were treating Banner and the Hulk and the situation like an object and a weapon of mass destruction rather than seeing and believing in his human side and that he’s not just some menace out to rule the streets. I don’t know, I thought that that was important. (Especially with the contrast we get and see with Roth’s character, hot damn. Banner was just out here living his best life (or trying to) and he wanted few things but the simplest and most basic of those needs just weren’t met. Sad.)
This movie overall to me is just very saddening and maddening.
The thematic concept of cures vs getting rid of things vs controlling things vs acceptance
The “[we] gotta try” sacrifice. Always a classic
Concept piece of: “you’re not a monster” or you’re not a murderer
“What if I told you we were building a team together?” I forget who said this but dun dun dunnnnn. Foreshadowing haha
I suppose it is a good thing to also wonder what the aftermath was like for Banner after he ran away at the end of this movie and the strain of the relationship he has with authority and how that is brought back into play in later films (Looking at you, Civil War–even though, yeah, Hulk wasn’t in that but if he had been, what side would he have been on?)
Anger, very well done but super heartbreaking, unsatisfactory and doesn’t allow me to repeatedly watch the movie over and over again (limited viewership)
Fan Fiction Ideas/Themes to Explore in My Fics:
Cures vs acceptance (the golden apple vs acceptance)
Not deserving happy things or romance
Being controlled or manipulated by others
“Monsters” (what makes someone a monster? Could definitely overlap well with Loki!)
“Home” (what is a home? What makes it a home?)
Safety/lack of safety
Stopping from killing
Romantic interest’s love and understanding
Being suspicious of others’ intentions
How the military attacked Hulk rather than approached carefully, diplomatically and delicately
Family life (or lack thereof; not allowing one’s self a family life, goes back into deserving and worth and paranoia)
Eventual understanding instead of an us vs them
Estimated Timeline of When I First Watched this Movie:
Phhhhewww, what a GOOD question. I mean, besides this rewatch for the review… definitely a few years ago. Probably after I watched the Avengers. I think it bothered me just as much then as it did this year hahaha. This isn’t a super memorable film for me and not something I’d watch over and over but I know at some point I did watch it, maybe just on regular TV or eventually a DVD. Probs took it out at least once from the library itself (which I’ll be doing again soon with my partner, yay (as such it’s a big push and pull to get this review finally published while it’s still 2021 hah)).
Subtle or Overt Preparation for Future (or past) Films:
Definitely the introduction to the Avengers and putting together a team. That’s for sure. I think also that contemplation of which side Banner would have been on if he had been in Civil War is a good question and potential wonderful fan fiction idea someone should write about (if they haven’t already). Of course this film drew on the first film’s full on original backstory of Banner but like that one I can’t stand to rewatch it too much. It’s a good movie, this one, it’s just so frustrating. And really sad because I love this science bro and that’s tough to see him struggle so much. But I do think I have a lot more ground in store for my own Loki centered Avengers fanfics based on having rewatched this movie (regardless of all the avoidance, stress, procrastination and more that went on in the months after I fully sat down to watch it. Let’s just hope Thor doesn’t take quite as long.) I also liked that concept of being “a monster” because that’s heavily in play with characters upcoming like Loki. Also it’s great to see more of the mental health representation in these MCU movies too. So, yeah! Good job!! Thanks for reading ahaha
….”Iron Man 2″ (May 2010)….
Technical information regarding this post:
This post began with the showing of the film April 5th 2021 at 4pm with some notes in progress, Apr. 5th for outline of review online and then working on the review itself Apr. 6th around 7p. Worked on again Apr. 7th at 12:30p - 1:30p. Worked on again Apr. 29th at 9p, 10p. Worked on last: April 30th 2021. Revised, edited, completed, finished now on Nov. 17th 2021. Can't believe it's been that long. Le sigh.
Thank you so much for sticking by me and reading!! If you got this far, leave a green heart emoticon down in the comments! 💚💚 I’m sooooo sorry this review took as long as it did. Ooof. Also I apologize for my most random of disappearances. Not just on here, but also on Twitter. New job, my partner, Fai (who my last post was about), friends, trainings for a new job and reading some books or not reading books and then reading books and now being stuck trying to publish some backlogged posts (like for books) as well as with this series and then actually finally finish watching Thor so I can get even FURTHER along in the MCU… plus the countless hours of procrastination, avoidance, anxiety, stress and poor time management. Yeah, it all led to here. How exhausting. But, we’re here now and that’s what counts. More to come very soon. See you all then!! XXX
I wound up taking the weekend off for blog posts or really going onto my computer officially. I tried the shift on Sun with the three year old but it didn’t totally work out super well so I wound up switching out with another co-worker while I spent the rest of the time in the main cottage. I tried to pull my weight more though by doing the dishes after lunch and then doing some of the logs. It was definitely overwhelming and tough though and I could write a whole novel on just when, how and where and why buuuut I’m just doing this short post for today then brushing my teeth, filling out my planner and going to sleep.
Tomorrow we have Clinicals and they’ll be in person so I have to leave before 1p from my house. That should be fine, get paid for a couple of hours or so. 🙂
Then on Wed I will have my first shift there where it’ll be me and another co-worker and then just two kids. I’m a little nervous for this too because I’m not sure if lunch is done up in the cafeteria, what the schedule would be like for the two kids left behind rather than in school (like even just setting up laptops and helping them with their schoolwork) and little things like that but I guess I’ll find out soon enough. 😛
I’m gonna have to go to sleep by 9p tomorrow night though so there’s that. Little nervous on that, too. For now, I am going to bed by about 11p. I actually did fall asleep today during the day so I lost a couple hours that way. I also managed to edit a couple of videos and I uploaded a new one to my channel and now I’m going to be uploading my first video for scoliosis awareness month tomorrow, which I’m excited about!!!
I am pretty tired now though so I think I’ll hop off for now. I wasn’t going to make a post but then I decided I could take the 5 mins to do so. I’ve also just been disappointed in how much I did today vs what I could have done and looking again through Athena’s stuff and becoming anxious from having to edit through the final video cut for tomorrow and then regrettably pulling a lot of my right eyebrow. So, that sucks.
But it is what it is.
Any who, how are you guys doing? Anything you’ve managed to accomplish today or goals you have for the week ahead?
Let me know.
Sending light and love.
PS This also doesn’t cover the disappointments for what I wanted to achieve and manage for this month’s mental health awareness stuff so stay tuned for some post-May related content about that in the future. I mean, I guess it’s okay but yeah. That just sucks too.
I’m exhausted and all I did today was sleep, I swear. I woke up around 11a and between 1p – 5p I was in and out of sleep, listening to creepy stories etc. It feels exhausting. I’m just so tired I swear.
I read a tiny bit last night but not as much as I would have liked. I also haven’t been receiving my emails on my public email address upon my phone so that’s odd–if I had, I would have certainly gotten together more motivation and inspiration to actually reply to messages, but alas, that was a hindered project.
I’m just going to snack on some sweets now and then I’m putting together my stuff for work tomorrow morning. I didn’t even edit that video or do creative writing so, bleh.
I found out I may be working in a different cottage on Sun via the schedule so I’m nervous about that because it’s just going to be me with a nonverbal three year old, plus it’s supposed to rain all this weekend, and I’m not sure that I can cook (I really don’t know how) let alone change a diaper and keep a kiddo busy for the duration of 8 hours. I don’t know, that’s definitely gotten me to be more avoidant this night and it’s eating away at me a bit. It’s uncomfortable and I know I have to pull my weight at work it’s just.. the unknown and it’s scary. I should be able to reach out to co-workers and supervisors for support though and maybe I’ll find out more about it tomorrow in preparation. I also have notes I took from that training a year ago. So, that’s good at least.
Tomorrow when I come home from work I’d like to get a coffee, blog, read a book, watch a movie and then go to sleep. Mmm, sleep.
But yeah, that’s been today really. Not much happening. I’m either going to have a tiny chocolate bar now, some Pocky or some ice cream. Haven’t decided quite yet ahaha.
Well, I hope you guys are doing okay!! I’ll be back later this weekend to answer messages. Sending light, love and sweet dreams in the moonlight! ❤ xx
So I realized I could make a last minute blog post today since it’s still Mon, even if it’s closer to 11p EST. So, here I am.
Today was an odd day. Off, mostly.
I struggled to wake up today and didn’t really get up until about noon. I also fell asleep last night by about 11p. I really had to pry my eyes open multiple times in the morning, but they never really wanted to be. By 2p I was drifting into sleepy states again while I was watching some Youtube videos. I finally got myself up to watch over and re-classify some old videos footage but I didn’t feel up to video editing, not really. I also thought about and was planning on appropriately answering messages online (a blog comment, a Youtube comment, an email, etc.) but I just couldn’t get myself together to do so.
It just felt insurmountable and exhausting, you know?
So I resorted to what I normally do and started looking at some videos on Youtube on my laptop.
I then searched for Athena’s stuff and watched some videos about her, her life and current happenings and did that guiltily for the next couple of hours, so that sucked.
I definitely could have used that time to either:
read a book
edit a video
spend time offline
write fan fiction
color or make art
film a video
listen to music
answer messages or challenge myself to answer with a starting sentence (breaking it down)
You get the idea. *insert a grim smiling emoticon here*
But I didn’t really do any of the above and just wallowed and got swallowed up. Luckily I wasn’t pulling too much so that’s a silver lining to the day.
I did find myself enthralled and shocked while watching near death experiences videos during dinner (a lovely meal my Mom made, thank goodness) and then was very into and captivated by tsunami videos–normally if I were watching like an angry people compilation, I’ll revert inwards and retreat via self-soothing techniques which pretty much always means I’ll be hair pulling–but I didn’t do that with the tsunami videos so I think I may have found something so horrific and fascinating to watch that will deter me from pulling when I have those urges, so, er, that’s interesting?
I was particularly intrigued by the information on whirlpools and then the miraculous event where no one was killed in the 1980 whirlpool incident with the salt and oil mining company (I can link a video at the bottom, actually, no, I’ll just do it here):
So, that was something.
I was doing that by about 9p and by 10p I was watching other little videos here and there. I managed to brush my teeth for the day, and the night, let’s be honest, and also just take care of some other bodily care things–like my meds! I didn’t take them all day but I finally got myself to do so so that’s good at least.
Now I’m just winding down with email alerts, music and writing this post. It occurred to me when I decided I could answer one last message before bed that I could write a little something here, even if it’s not all that much. For anyone who has been reading, thank you immensely, and I hope this post serves as a type of an update and just a ‘Hey, how are you?’ post from me. 🙂
But yeah, I’ll be off to address that one Youtube comment and pack up for the night. I honestly never filled out my planner for the weekend so I have to pencil that in right now. And then I’ll be listening to some creepy stories for sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep. I look forward to it.
Also, my schedule at work may be changing soon but that’s a discussion for another day. I’m gonna probably brainstorm some of the posts I still want to achieve for this month tomorrow, so that should be fun. Some fun ones and ones taking a bit more work and all that jazz.
Here’s hoping tomorrow will shape up to be a better and more productive day (and I have to remind myself that these ‘less productive/unproductive’ days are okay to have sometimes too!!!).
It should come as no surprise that I cannot stand confrontation.
It makes me anxious, angry people with passion so deep in their veins that they yell and make noise. It makes me feel unsettled. It makes me feel shaky and nervous, uncertain and on edge.
It makes me wonder what it is exactly that I’m supposed to do…
I’m being confronted lately by the by-products of my avoidance. Avoidance runs with so much depth in all aspects of my life that it’s making me feel unsettled and uncertain as to where I can possibly turn. I try to make progress in addressing it, but there’s just SO much of it, so much that I’m drowning in daily, and just when I can manage it a little bit better, a little bit more, everything else builds and builds and builds and again I am left with the choice, the confrontation of invisible forces: do I take the time to look into it and approach cautiously or do I freeze in my steps, turn the other way and run from it? Essentially, do I continue to avoid the avoidable?
Unfortunately, it always seems to be the latter.
And I’m paying for it now.
The Loki Disney+ series is going to be coming out in about 3 weeks and I’m still as far behind in re-watching the MCU as ever before.
I wanted to be through the entire thing months ago but here I am now, still in Phase One and no closer to getting into it. Unless, maybe, I abandon the process entirely, which I don’t think is likely.
I just get so caught up in the fact that I make simple processes into such large, complicated and complex tasks that I inevitably wind up avoiding because there’s TOO much expectation going hand in hand with them. Which translates into just never getting anything substantial done or really making a nice big check mark off something that I appropriately accomplished.
And not everyone else is like this, I’m finding. And so that’s odd, too.
And on top of that, I’ve thought of myself as one thing and more and more I’m being confronted with the idea that maybe I’m not even that thing at all–and if that’s the case, than who am I really?
I guess, the point is, that I do something towards the things I’m avoiding. I’m gearing up from wanting to edit videos today to then changing my Youtube channel banner art instead, to then moving away from editing videos after I scheduled my next video for release tomorrow and then even further to just writing this post (which I’ll be ending soon because my attention span is already waning a lot) to then just watching a movie, working on my film review TIH blog post and reading a book IYF and watching Station 19 and Grey’s Anatomy tonight.
I’m tired, I’m anxious and I’m just deadpan.
I hate that I cannot output as much as I would like or expect of myself, but, I guess it is what it is. I still want to comb my hair today and brush my teeth, because I haven’t quite done that just yet. Then I will watch Thor and also take stock of an estimated updated timeline for the MCU rewatching parties.
I guess what matters is that I keep trying.
And maybe, here I am hoping, that maybe one day that’ll be enough.
Well, I have to go make these things into reality now.
I’ll see you all tomorrow.
Post written May 20th 2021 at 2:45p; then again at 3:30p. Posted by 3:45p EST
PS Another way my avoidance behaviors are impacting all areas of my life include: the time I waste every day on Youtube binges, the avoidance impacting my work at Amaryllis, the avoidance impacting what I actually get done in a day (my productivity), my avoiding MCU and regular movies, my avoiding my fan fiction, my avoiding reading books, my avoiding blog posts, my avoiding (or this relationship in particular is a little trickier) editing videos, my avoiding news related information (so like what’s happening currently in the world like at Hamas; usually I’m about 2 – 3 years late on current events) etc.
I was kinda thinking of doing a different post before I went to eat dinner but now I don’t feel like writing that one, either. So, I’ll just talk about life and what’s been going on with me and then set off to be offline for about an hour before I go to sleep because I would love to spend some time reading a little, even if it’s just for a few minutes! 😊
So, what’s been going on?
I’ve been uploading some videos to my channel! I really do want to comment and network more on Youtube but I keep just lurking or getting intimidated or disinterested in certain videos. If you happen to be a blogger on Youtube into video-making, hit me up and we can support one another there and through here! I’d love to have a few projects or items on my list where I have to or expect to interact with as this will provide me a great deal of accountability and I’ll come out of the shadows for once in my life yet again ahaha. Right now it’s just easier to lurk but I know that getting and putting myself out there is what really counts. It’s just hard.
I’m really stuck and stagnant in my recovery in general right now too. I keep hitting the same brick wall and doing the same behaviors that aren’t helping me (avoidance) but I’m not sure if I’m ready to change or if I have it in me right now to change or whether or not that will be such a good thing. I mean, I guess, I’m not sure if I’m ready yet and maybe that’s okay that I can be aware of it and have my hesitancy of going forwards or just remaining still for a little while. I’m not sure. It’s all so complicated and I’m tired. I’m tired of always having to work on myself, I’d like a break for a while. Maybe that can be okay too. That the pause isn’t forever, it’s just temporary. Hmm…
I helped my Mom revitalize a bookshelf down downstairs today. So I got rid of the 5 or 6 piles of books that I own from their place on my bedroom floor into two of the shelves instead. I will have to reorganize it a little for what’s left but that’s been pretty good.
I really just want to read a book right now, it seems. But I am also quite tired in general so maybe I will try to sleep before 11p.
I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow that I’m actually looking forward to. I’ve spoken about it in therapy today and my psychiatry appointment on Mon so it’ll be nice to hopefully get some answers and a guide forwards for uncovering medical issues and running tests and such.
Additionally, I took a shower today and had a great massage! I just started my period yesterday though and some of its mess got through my underwear and onto the blanket today while I was there and I was aghast for sure! It’s never happened like that before but luckily my massage therapist is a female anyways and she was super understanding. 😀
My dating friend had to go back to the hospital today. There’s really not much I can do about that or even feel about it, I just hope that they’ll get the help that they need. And that I will have to hold onto hope and faith that they’ll be okay and when they get out is when they get out. I want what’s best for them of course and I hope they go into a better hospitalization than this past one. I hope that they can find healing and peace very soon, and I know we’re in different spots of our recoveries as well, so this is somewhat comforting. It sucks but the truth is that love is sometimes not enough for those on the warpath of self-destruction. It’s a familiar fight, sure, and I know my dating friend will get better. We’re just at different spots. (And I still admire and look to the fact that they’re interested in dating as a remarkable sign of strength. It’s something I wouldn’t have been able to do way back when). Mmm.
I have a presentation tomorrow afternoon that I honestly keep forgetting about. That will be interesting. I should probably send out an email about that real quick, actually….
My knee is very sore and achy from having it in a stiffened position most of today. Ooof.
As for the next video I’m editing, it’s going to be my introduction to a ‘Healthier Living: The Path of Weight Gain and Pro-Recovery’ or something along those lines. That will be nice and I really look forward to editing it and then uploading it, probably next week. I have to pick it back up again too for the whole filming process, but that will be nice. I look forward to that tomorrow. 💚
Lastly, actually, I think that’s all that I’ll share for now. I really do want to crack open a book, maybe watch a video or two more and then get myself to sleep because my doctor’s appointment is early tomorrow morning (like 10a ahaha). Feel free to mention in the comments how you are doing and what new artsy creations you’ve managed over the past week. And let’s try and support one another in those endeavors and lift each other up. 😁😚 Thank you so much for reading.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
PS There is of course more I could say regarding my physical health but I don’t feel the need to go into it right now. Also, I’ve decided today that I’ll be doing 2x/week videos in June about my experiences and info regarding scoliosis and then ending the month with my body positivity video, so I’m really excited about that going forwards!
It should come as no surprise to you that I’ve been avoiding dealing with you lately. Properly. As it should be dealt with.
I dislike you, very much. That much is obvious. You take away my time, my satisfaction in life and yet you still seem to serve some type of twisted purpose for me.
Why are you so hard to get rid of? Why won’t you leave me alone? What type of self-sabotaging bullshit do you exist in?
I wish you would leave my house already. You’ve brought it back into shambles and I hate that for you. For us. For me.
But every corner I turn, you are there. Waiting and lurking for me, watching me stumble and trip and then swooping right in to waste another hour of my day, another moment of my breath, another video to watch and lurk in but one is never enough, never enough. More and more you crave and more and more I find myself slipping into you. Into your cool embrace and maybe the feeling is just comforting enough that I forget how much I hate you and how much I am frustrated at myself for once again falling in love with you.
Because you’re so, so, so hard to resist these days. You beckon me forwards. You cling to my soul and you dampen my moods and distract me from everything I’m afraid of. You’re a dangerous pill and I wish I could stop–if only it were that easy.
In moments of revelation, I get myself to break free. To run. To hide.
And in other moments, I let myself slip away, into your grip, your hand (locked) on my wrist, dragging me under and making me believe that I’m okay with this torture and the taking away of everything you want me to (not) feel.
You drag me in. And I let you. That’s my mistake, I’ll give you that.
It’s a new day. A new sun has arisen and new clouds are passing through. I thought you were going to pass on through too but today I found that I re-engaged in the same behaviors that for some reason, I was thinking would yield different results. But here I am again, locked in the shadows of a dismantled household and here you are again, watching over me with a sinister grin upon your darkened face. I still find myself broken and with cracks run so ragged my skin bleeds at the tears. I wish to leave, I whisper. I wish to go.
But no, you say. No.
And I whimper close. But no one hears it. No one hears here. They never do.
Take me away again, I beg. Take me away from my thoughts and my feelings. Numb me out, make me laugh, provide me with the comfort I’m so incapable of giving to myself. Shield me from the world and make the hard easy again. Make the fear of tomorrow, the worry of regret, make it all fade away. Make it run dry, make it soundless. With you here, you’re all I need. All I need. I need no one, no thing, nothing else but this. You give me peace. You give me pride. You give me life.
Even if you’re the same one taking away my soul and taking away my motivation and my inspiration. You’re taking my life just as you manage to breathe it back into me.
For that, you are a fool. Because one day I will realize and I will leave and you’ll be all alone again, with only your dark thoughts and the shadows to keep you company. One day I will break free because I was born to fly and these wings are not defective, not like you. One day I will scream and cry and someone will hear me and then the beauty of the lies you hold will break the facade as I crawl my way out of your grasp and out of your darkness.
Mark my words, Avoidance, I’m coming for you. And you can’t ever dare to break me again.
I will find you. I will erase you. I will not stop until you are but a speck of dust in my vision. I will tell this tale loud and I will tell of this fight proudly. I will make a road map for those who are also caught within your grasp and through that, I will find purpose and meaning all over again.
My feelings may be large, but my inspiration is endless. All I have is this moment. All I have is this breath. So I will take it from you and explore it for myself. For me, by me, to me. And maybe, Avoidance, that’ll be the greatest gift of all.
Dear Life Outside of Avoidance,
I may be too scared today to release you. I may be too scared tomorrow to understand your worth and your place within my speck of space in this world. I will try to have an open mind. I will try to do something better for myself, to make beauty out of pain. I will try to take charge of the situation I’ve been placed in and I will try to do better for me because I’ve earned it, no, I LIVE it and that is more than enough.
Dear Life Outside of Avoidance,
You’re so beautiful, it’s hard to look at you for long. But I will try. I will try. And with your grace, I shall move ahead towards the next opportunity. And when I am afraid, because I will be afraid, I will try for one minute to be with you. I will try for one minute to just be here, now, and look not so far ahead but rather just up to the next corner. I know it’s just hard sometimes. Sometimes, life is just hard. I can’t even quite see what you look like, but I’ll keep trying to diminish the blur before your face and live my life as mindfully and spiritually calm as possible. And with the faith that everything else will fall into place, I will live.
Because that is what life calls for. That is what the Life Outside of Avoidance calls for. And I will heed this call. I will take notice of it. And I will follow it. Because it’s right. It’s right.
And after all, there’s only ever so much time in the world.
All the best,
Also, PS Avoidance:
Fuck you, too.
Creative liberties taken up on about 8:50p EST Tu, May 11th 2021. A creative nonfiction release of thoughts and emotion. Grappling with the big questions and the big adversities in my life at the moment. I know one day it’ll get easier. Today isn’t quite that day, not yet. Thank you for reading.I have a new video up on my channel if you’d be so kind as to interact with me there. There will be more to come. Always, always more. xxx 💛💛💛
It’s the third day of this year’s, 2021’s, May march for mental health awareness month. Technically not a march, but if you count the NAMI Walk this year (still virtual) then yes, yes we can call it a march. Let’s me honest, I just ran with the idea right now so we’ve got that going for us, haha.
Regardless, it’s a new post. I am actually probably going to have to either schedule tomorrow’s post or maybe I’ll just skip tomorrow. I have an early work day so I may not get around to sleeping early enough tonight (it’s nearly 9:30p EST) to fully create a post for tomorrow… UNLESS I challenge myself to a short blurb or old poem or something. Hmm, maybe I will do that…
Anyways, hi, I’m a little sleepy and emotionally exhausted.
I’m also a little distracted, not gonna lie.
But I’m gonna try and get through this post. Maybe tomorrow might be a small break or maybe you’ll see something from me. As early as noon and as late as six pm. (Especially if I schedule it).
Sorry, there’s some tension in the household right now.
Right, where was I?
I mean, on one hand I can say that I’ve gotten very tired of living inside my ever constricting fear bubble. There’s been so much in life that I’ve been afraid to do or avoid doing (let’s be honest for a minute) and it’s just irritated me more and more over the years and I got pretty fed up with it. So now I’ve been trying to drive to different towns and places and just get used to the road and actually I’ve definitely associated being in a car to listening to music which could be good or bad, depending (like if you were my Mom today).
I’m also still reeling I think from being so disrespected by a teen at work on Saturday. I only really noticed this today when I continued to get fed up with my anxiety and avoidance and was back to watching videos to waste my time (something I’m really struggling with, back on Day #1 all over again (I started the original day 1 at about Apr. 5th) probably unhelped by the fact that I haven’t properly written out my thought challenges lists) and sleeping during the day (to be fair, I woke up at 8a today, which, besides weekend work days, is super early for me). I’ve also been pulling and picking really badly, I definitely have another right ear infection at the moment and my left isn’t faring much better. Then my left thumb has a scab and my knuckle really, really hurts so I have some limited, stiff movement in that. My other thumb has a mark from some skin picking I did Saturday too. Grrr. Today was a frequent pull day.
Even when I finally got myself to just get up and DO something by 5:15p and I got myself to listen to music and shower (which was such a lovely reset!) I was pulling then too.
That’s why I was really pulling (wait…no pun intended!) for going to get crochet supplies today.
If you’ve forgotten, or you’re new, I wound up on some crochet blogs about Friday or so, or at least late last week, and I’ve finally decided to try it out for myself and see if I like it. But I definitely kept pushing off going and my Mom was gonna come with me and I was just getting super frustrated that we were both not doing what we should be doing (I can say, happily, I ate lunch today and began some blogging notes and goal’s for the month between 2:25p – 3:00p so that was really good and a big highlight!) and it was just irritating.
Then my Mom kinda crossed some boundaries with me verbally, she was joking but I was already kinda off, something else was going on which was worrying me in the back of my mind and it was the one time I didn’t bring my headphones with us going out because I haven’t been needing or using them each time I’ve brought them and it was just too much of a collection of little things plus having been so disrespected on Sat. that when my Mom suggested we just go back home I was like, “Yeah, I’d like that.” You know, she was saying how I could go by myself and I agreed and wanted to.
I just hate being in a car and feeling trapped like that because where can you go when you’re having a disagreement?
Kinda like at work that day. Kinda like when you have to trust your GPS when it’s raining, your windshield wipers are busted a little (true story, I have to remember to tell someone about that), it’s dark so you can’t see well, you’re in unfamiliar areas so you go your stickler slow speed (mine is 35 mph. If it’s a highway: 55 mph), and you have to just trust in the process and that it’ll get you there one way or another and if you take the wrong turn or think you did it’ll just recalculate so the pain of it is a little better than being stuck in a car with someone you’re mad at.
Or kinda like how my phone is dying after 7 years and its functionality is so compromised. I got a bad cut on my phone where the screen at the very mid point of the screen above the physical keyboard got busted so there’s an ever increasing crack and glass falling out; if I send a text message at the same time someone sends me one my phone refuses to load and takes at least 40 mins to actually do so (which drains the battery exponentially); sometimes I can send a message and it eats it and never sends it (like if I get a reply at the same time), and 3/4 of the sites I try and go on when online don’t load because they’re not compatible with my phone. So, at this point, it’s just a mess. And sometimes when I really need to reach out to someone it just fucks me over. Radically so.
Besides that, I don’t know what terminology would fit this next thing but I had a friend for like 3 years that goes by they/them pronouns and we’ve recently revealed that we both had a crush on one another years ago and are now starting to date and see how that goes. I feel like it’s in that weird like, we’re not partners yet but we’re more than friends and conventional he/him, she/her pronouns wouldn’t fit the gender specific friend name so I’m confused. But my dating friend turned out to be really struggling today, they also have mental health conditions like myself (I’m also gay by the way, let’s just air that out. I’ve been meaning to say that since June 2020, not gonna lie) and were thinking they would have to go inpatient and I was super supportive and kind about it (we’ve been hanging out biweekly since maybe end of Feb this year?) and all the good things though I definitely noticed the worry in the back of my mind.
Like, my friend was doing everything preventative in their power and I think while some of it is their stuff more of it is MY fears:
My worry for them: will they be okay? What will happen? How long will the stay be? How soon will they be out?
My pain for my friend because very recently I was experiencing similar (or an inkling of similar)
My questioning my own self: A couple weeks ago, that could have been me.
My questioning what if I need that level of support again? What’s the game plan then?
The biggest thing of course with the fourth thing is the distinction: how would I be receiving that help? Had I volunteered myself to the hospital or did I act on my thoughts before getting there?
And even BIGGER than that: If I was hospitalized again, which I know and have accepted may happen at some point in my life, and depending on how I got there, would my current 3 years hospital free start over from zero? Would I lose all my progress? Would I lose my milestone? Would I have to start all over? Would it be like 2016 where I went 9 months hospital free and then 2018 being 3 years and then this next time another arbitrary amount? (Depending on how I sought help, would it be a lapse or a relapse?)
And lastly: Career. Current but more so future. I want to go into certified peer specialist but you have to be a year hospital free (inpatient) and one year out of outpatient services (I think this means day programs but I’m still not sure) which to me is a big factor in being more hesitant to ask for the help that I may need if I need it.
Additionally, since 2018 things have been different. I’ve noticed this in support groups as of the last year: I gauge the crowd before I say the things that are bothering me. Like, I don’t trust as easily as I used to or something or if I do reveal something I don’t reveal everything, I offer a small morsel, see how it lands and if it doesn’t go well I shelf the idea of actually opening up further.
Part of this is because of a few things:
I’m afraid if I struggle, or more so admit when I’m struggling, I won’t be as much of an inspiration anymore or a “success story”
I “should” learn how to self-soothe and self-manage because not everyone is going to be there for me all the time
I need to relearn what are psychiatric emergencies (I still go zero to one hundred and all or nothing thinking and avoidance behaviors and catastrophizing so that hasn’t changed and so I go fast into intrusive thoughts than maybe the average person might without mental health conditions) like I first did in my recovery 6 years ago and what plans does that all involve now or that need to be implemented
Another fear I’ve been having which I lightly touched on is that fear of romantic or platonic relationships. Fear of living, in a lot of ways. Fear of love because what happens when I lose it? Fear of health because … because two people with health problems is a lot to handle. Fear of crossing state lines driving wise. Fear of my emotions and thoughts (and so over-distracting all of the time to avoid thinking or feeling them; which is only a temporary fix). Fear of reigniting old pathways and self-destructive behavior (and co dependencies; why in some ways I avoid asking for help at work sometimes or am careful about reassurance seeking). Fear of avoiding avoiding. Fear of change. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear of less than perfect. Fear of reading comprehension skills because they’re severely lacking than they once were. Fear of attack (although honestly I think I can handle online shit far better than in real life scenarios). And just on and on and on.
Speaking of exhausting… I’m exhausted.
This post doesn’t really have a bright pink bow with a pleasant, smiley happy ending. I don’t really know where it is exactly. I can say that when I did return home I went back out again and figured out a lot of what I wrote here tonight during that car ride aloud. I also wound up in Staples where I bought a NEW video editing software, not something I’ve ever tried before and have already begun to research now hooray. It was even on sale so that was great. Then at Michael’s I bought varnish for painting, finally, and crochet hooks and three piles of yarn. I’ll probs try it out tomorrow a little before work but then I’ll be gone pretty much all day. Actually, shit, yeah, like 12 hours. Damn. So that means I should be going to bed NOW.
I’ll let you know how things go. I’d LOVE to do some reading tomorrow. God, wouldn’t that be nice.
But I have to sleep. I’m honestly falling over right now and I still have tags to work with haha. Overall, I’ve been fed, I’ve rubbed my doggo and I have new hobbies arriving soon. These adventures, these things I’ve never done before, are in fact terrifying. And very likely worth it. And I deserve the good things. So that’s where I’ll go from here. Baby steps, tomorrow is a fresh day and everything will work out in the end. Cool, yeah.
What did you think of this blog post? Is there something you’ve been avoiding in your life? Or something new that you’re about to launch yourself into?
Thank you so much for reading and interacting with this post!!!
Can’t wait to see you again soon. Whether that’s tomorrow or Wed.
Sending all the best hugs, light and love.
PS I’m gonna challenge myself to not reread this post and just publish it without all consuming editing… Maybe just one walk through actually. 😉 Added a couple of things. This post was written 5/3/2021 from 9:30p – 10:30p EST
This book is comprised, as generically as possible: a contents, introduction, 10 chapters on the 10 Practices towards leading a Confident-Led life, end of chapter exercises for the Reader, a conclusion, a resources list, a bibliography, and an index. The 10 Practices include: The Practice of Separation, The Practice of Perception, The Practice of Choice, The Practice of Optimism, The Practice of Empowerment, The Practice of Harmony, The Practice of the Unmade Mind, The Practice of the Vacuum, The Practice of Magnetism and The Practice of the Boomerang. Some of the exercises that I completed include (these will be outlined via text and photos in the relevant sections below. If you would like an exploratory Youtube video on the matter as well, let me know in a comment so I can publish one to my channel. This will take me a bit of time, if you are curious for me to make one. Since I’ve written this post over the course of a few days, I’ve gotten very deep in the muddiness of this review and I no longer feel as much of a necessity to film a video on the matter, however I can use this post as a backbone/guidance towards it if there’s enough interest in that. Thanks!!) p. 38 Presence of the Eight C’s in my life [curiosity, clarity, calm, confidence, compassion, courage, creativity, connectedness]; p. 58 My Parts Detector, Challenging the Parts; p. 78 Reclaiming the Power in My Life/Conscious Choices: the problem, I can accept, I can choose….; p. 98 Mapping the Parts of my interpersonal effectiveness avoidances in therapy; p. 172 – 173 The Goodbye Exercise; p. 84 Thought Challenges and Belief Scores; p. 111 Group Activities and Ideas for work; p. 134 The Letting Go Exercise; p. 174 Removing Roadblocks Art Map; p. 188 My Magnetogram; p. 208 The Boomerang Activity; p. 207 The Looking Glass.
BONUS content that helped me get to this point of both reading the book, finishing the book, writing this review and posting it online as well as making a lot of GAINS and fulfilling activities in my life that I’ve been using thoroughly and happily: My Fanfics Story stats (AO3; FFN); My Expectations, My Fears and My Thought Challenges for Writing and Uploading Fanfic Again (2 pages); What I need to get back into writing fanfic; Master List of Videos I have to edit; Skills and reminders within the video editing process; Processing when things go wrong in video editing; after uploading self-care plan (videos); repairing my relationships with MCU movies, movies and TV; repairing my relationships with books; thought challenges regarding movies and MCU movies; thought challenges regarding books; thought challenges regarding blogging (2 pages); (IN THE WORKS: thought challenges regarding avoiding chores) and finally, the backbone behind these new BES posts.
I feel like that was a lot of listing and jargon that may seem unmanageable or overwhelming for right this moment. So, let’s just take a deep breath and find comfort in the fractions within this review and what we’ll be seeing in the time ahead of us and the words upon the screen. Let’s return to that now….
I’d say, overall, this is a great book for beginning the process of self-exploration, self-love, self-care and self awareness. It’s also great for quantifying and qualifying information that’s locked behind your mind and the functions and processes occurring in your brain that you want to gain some insight into and uncover old habits or challenge yourself in ways that maybe you haven’t dared to before or haven’t considered needing to in the past but find yourself hesitant to not look towards altering now. It’s a book for self-improvement and a lot of growth, depending on how well the Reader is open to that notion and moving forwards with more confidence, as the title would suggest, and also just being welcoming to a fresh perspective. It’s user friendly and I’d say not doing the exercises and just reading page to page would definitely lessen the experience and the help and guidance that can come from it if the Reader properly tackles the information and makes it their own. There has to be a willingness there to see what is and how, with time and patience and compassion to yourself, that you can unlock some improvements and big gains that maybe otherwise wouldn’t have happened. Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through my experiences and my fulfillments by doing this and the process I took through reading this book, playing in the sand and writing this review. So, welcome aboard! And let the Lewis Capaldi background music (a playlist) guide you through with as much ease and brightness as it did for me writing this intimidating but worthwhile post. 🙂 ❤ xxx Also, “What Other People Say” by Sam Fischer and Demi Lovato was a wonderful addition to the background noise.
MY RECOMMENDATION SCORE:
5/5 thought challenges lists
OUTSTANDING QUOTES ALONGSIDE MY COMMENTARY/SHARING EXERCISES:
So, this book talks a lot about “parts” and how as people we are NOT our thoughts. We are instead vessels that have thoughts and think and feel and behave in certain ways. These parts wish to be acknowledged and understood and are inevitably trying to help us rather than hurt us like why they were created in the first place in the past. They are looking out for us even if their expression of this isn’t always healthy or helpful right off the bat. It’s our job to acknowledge them, let them in and breathe and be nonjudgmental and then say that we’ve taken their input into consideration and move forwards with our own Confident Led selves. So, you’ll see that mentioned, these parts, in the future. The parts are originated from the Ego, just to clarify, as well.
There is a SUPER excellent and powerful guided meditation explanation on pages 36 – 37 of this book that I would highly, highly recommend perusing as it’s so wonderful. If I can work on finding a similar already established guided meditation online on Youtube or something similar, I will try and make a future post referring to them. For now, it’s SO good. It basically talks about imagining you’re giving a speech on a stage and in the audience is each of your parts and your Confident Self is in the lead. You take the time to get to know each part, how individual they are, their characteristics, their mannerisms, what they have to say. You give them your attention and you recognize that they are not you and you are not them. You welcome ALL parts and let them take their seats again after they speak to you. Notice if your Confident Self is in the lead on stage and where you are if you’re separate from them. Then thank each part for existing and sharing and bring your awareness back to the present moment. That’s a super abridged version that doesn’t do the original text justice, but hopefully you get my drift!!! (Robinson, 2009).
EXERCISE 1: Me and My Eight C’s p. 38 [[Dated: Jan 7th 2021]]
EXERCISE 2: My Parts Detector, p. 58 (multiple journaling pages for me): [[Dated: Jan. 15th 2021]]
DESCRIPTION OF DEPICTION::
PART A: My Parts Detector. 1. “I’m better than other people. I have more advantages.” — Judgment. Better than others like in recovery or superiority? I will need to better explore and allow a presence of this. This makes me self-conscious and is something hard to admit to while I was being open to the thoughts and what was coming to me at that given moment. Thought challenges to arrive in PART B.
2. “I’m better equipped to handle tough situations” — Judgment. Core belief. Integral ((I’m thinking of situations arising criticism, hate, bullying, etc. Online stuff primarily))
3. “Nobody cares about me” — Dismissing, emotional
4. “I’m all alone” — Emotional, despair, abandoned
5. “No one is there for me. When I need someone, no one notices and/or is there” — Emotion Mind, all or nothing, mixed signals
6. “I can’t relate to other people’s perspectives” — Noticing differences not similarities
7. “I push away from uncomfortable situations because I’m afraid to reignite old neural pathways and behavioral patterns” — Yuuuuuup.
PART B: CHALLENGING THE PARTS:
“I’m on a different plane and state of being, a different place in my recovery and journey. It’s not about who is first or behind rather supporting one another as we go along.”
“I’m a better me than I once was. This strength has prepared me for the worst. It’s time now to put my skills to the test and I am ready.”
“Sometimes I don’t get attention, praise or recognition that I am looking for from other people. I need to learn how to validate my own experiences and rely less on others. It is still okay for me to get outside support when I need it. I can also improve the way I’m asking for my needs to be met. People aren’t mind readers so I have to be upfront. I may not always get what I want and I won’t know or receive it if I never voice it. It’s a work in progress.”
“Sometimes I feel alone in my experiences and in my struggles. I know that I am not. I know I need to reach out more than I do. People are within reach–I need to let out my call for them and only I can do that.”
“I’ve struggled in the past with thinking that no one would notice if something bad happened to me. I know this isn’t true and is my brain playing tricks on me because my absence and presence of things matters, people count on me and people ask about me. I need help reminding myself of this and recognizing not everyone can be there every time however I can and will be there for me. I can choose to be my own hero or villain. That is my choice.”
“Because I don’t hear back people with the same journey as mine I tend to dismiss other people’s perspectives. I tend to maximize the differences between us instead of looking, noticing and describing our similarities. I struggle with controlling that part of me that wishes to be fed attention and be the center of attention. This is something I have to work on by being more in the present moment. I may now always understand where someone is coming from. I can work on being more open, curious and fair and patient with myself and others.”
“Flooding myself is as problematic as avoidance for me. I won’t always agree with someone and that is okay. I can take time to gather my thoughts and feelings and come at a situation in my own time. I am aware of the slippery slope however that doesn’t mean my awareness of it will definitely lead me down the wrong path. I can know that it exists, accept uncertainty and still move forwards. I don’t have to let the past be repeated.”
“You can always find the granule of good in the bad if you look for it: more beauty than flaws, more hope than despair, more blessings than disappointment… This idea of holding on to the belief that something good will come out of adversity…”
Robinson, 2009, p. 89
I personally just LOVED this quote and the situational lead up towards it and even the illustration of it after this part. Again, my favorite chapters were: Empowerment, Optimism and Choice. More on these to come. I additionally thought it was perfect for how I set myself about in my life, how I categorize random acts of kindness (and setting forth ideas on how to do groups like this at work when we get older kids) and helping and finding support in other characters that I’ll be using and welcoming into my fanfics and stories. 🤩🤗🥰😅 xxx
EXERCISE 3: RECLAIMING THE POWER IN MY LIFE/”CONSCIOUS CHOICES” (p. 78):
DESCRIPTION OF DEPICTION:
The Problem Column. > The I can accept Column. > The I can choose Column.
Example 1 (in book): My colleague is a negative person. > I cannot change her. > I can be a positive person regardless of how she thinks.
Example 2 (ME): My procrastination is getting in the way of achieving all that I can in a day to day basis. > I can accept that it’s a pattern of behavior I’ve become comfortable with. > I can choose to build up my resiliency, challenge myself against it and make more thoughtful choices instead of blindly reacting only.
Example 3 (ME): My desire for attention on Youtube* is leading me to emotional brick walls that cause a small spiral after uploading videos. > I can accept it’s my current relationship to Youtube and content creating. It may not always be this way if I work on it. I can accept that I won’t compromise my values and who I am for views and numbers online, which is helpful and healthy. > I can choose to challenge this with a routine for after I upload videos. I can look at other ways to network or get attention. I can notice when it’s happening more and choose to address it and not run from it. Try to understand it.
*This list spun off a few other lists like the video I filmed all about attention and validation seeking online (I haven’t edited or uploaded it yet but when I do I will LINK IT HERE) via lists like sites I get the least and most amount of attention, how easy it is to get noticed on those sites, how long I’ve been on those sites, what it’s like having attention and not having attention and what are possible solutions; the various thought challenges lists, the fanfic stats list and lists all about my videos which you can find further laid out on the table in the BONUS section of my summary (above) for this nonfiction book. (And again when those videos are edited and uploaded to my Youtube channel here) 😁😊😎😙
EXERCISE 4: MAPPING MY PARTS (p. 98):
DESCRIPTION OF DEPICTION:
Mapping the parts avoiding doing interpersonal effectiveness DBT skills for review in this week’s therapy session:
Perfectionism (a book and writing utensil)
Procrastination (moon and stop sign)
Anxiety (a sun/black and blue coloration feeling and or star shaped item)
High expectations (skyscrapers and some tumble weeds) Feelings include uncomfortableness and nervousness. Beliefs include: “I should know these skills by now”, “I should be able to review my old materials”, “This is going to take a while”, “There’s my own expectations that I should be further along and not need as much of a refresher as I do need now”
Forgetfulness (thought bubble)
In red marker I’ve stated that with “The Confident Self of Me is located between high expectations and perfectionism. I still feel uncomfortable after completing this exercise. And I am not super confident but if I adjust my high expectations this should help and I can regroup and break down these expectations to smaller and simpler pieces.”
EXERCISE 5: Technically NOT an actual exercise but I’m tired and I mentioned it in the summary portion of this review so I’ll just dedicate some time to this here which is a list of ideas I thought of that I could do activities and groups on at work with some of the topics covered in this book: 🙂
DESCRIPTION OF DEPICTION:
Random acts of kindness (positive messages, examples, giving away art, coloring pages, ideas, why, coping strategies, self/others, compliment writing; empowerment; choices; survivor vs victim; growth (art therapy ideas); coping strategies (focus on one each week); affirmations (3 examples, scrapbooking/collages); transformation coloring or drawing activity (what’s one way you’ve transformed in the last day, month, year).
EXERCISE 6: THOUGHT CHALLENGES AND BELIEF SCORES (p. 84):
I apologize in advance, because this review is getting pretty muddy and broken up but I see that I missed an exercise from before, on p. 84 so I’m going to address it here and down below now. Sorry about that!! I didn’t exactly write them down in this review on paper or in order of appearance so things are just kinda jumbled up. But I’ll address them now and get on with things.
MY THOUGHT CHALLENGES:
Life is full of problems.
REFRAME: Life is an inherent balance between solutions and problems. It’s all a matter of perspective.
I usually assume people will take advantage of me.
REFRAME: I believe the best in people on the outset. If I am wronged, I take issue with that one person.
Things never turn out the way I want.
REFRAME: Things don’t always go according to plan and that’s okay.
Nothing I do is enough.
RF: I am enough as I am. I can always learn more and improve.
Whatever can go wrong will go wrong.
RF: Life is comprised of so many variables and possibilities that cannot be predicted in one sitting.
I’m a born loser.
RF: I am fabulous.
Trouble follows me wherever I go.
RF: If this were true, maybe I have to look at the common denominators (me).
I’m not a worthy person.
RF: I was born with worth. I live with worth. My life is worth living.
I can’t change the way things are.
RF: I can only change and control how I react to it.
I don’t have what it takes to meet most challenges I face.
RF: Simply not having learned yet doesn’t mean I never will. Give it time. 💚
EXERCISE 7: THE LETTING GO EXERCISE (p. 134)
I am forcing… (offensive reaction) – my issues on others (identity, coping, resources), – not being open to others struggles and not making them mine. > I can accept and surrender open-mindedness to this part of my life.
I am resisting….. (defensive reaction) – letting go, – moving on, – exploring new areas or things I’ve never done before > I can accept and surrender sacrificing my level of comfort(ability) to this part of my life.
I am clinging to… (avoidance reaction) – familiar habits, – familiar routines, – rigidity, – perfectionism, – not learning and implementing life skills (at home and at work), procrastination. > I can accept and surrender moving towards experiencing that which I avoid, one step at a time to this part of my life.
EXERCISE 8: THE GOODBYE EXERCISE (p. 172 – 173)
DESCRIPTION OF DEPICTION:
What was it like being in a relationship with (person, place, thing)?
🚑 Avoidance: my relationship with avoidance has been long lasting and lifelong. I’ve not gotten done as much or as many as I could have without it or less of it. It was a lot of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment.
Name each negative experience you had and after each say “I say goodbye to that”.
🚒 Avoidance has robbed me of my time — and I say goodbye to that. Avoidance has robbed me of my ambition and excelling to my full potential — and I say goodbye to that.
Name the resentments you carry for all of this and after each say “I say goodbye to that.”
I resent avoidance for not allowing me to grow and excel sooner and I say goodbye to that. I resent avoidance for swallowing my world and collapsing my perspective and making my existence small– and I say goodbye to that.
Name each positive experience you had and after each say “I say goodbye to that”.
My avoidance has kept me safe from perceived threats and I say goodbye to that. My avoidance got me to where I am now and I say goodbye to that. My acceptance of realizing I no longer need to be protected by my avoidance has cleared ahead a path for me. I can begin to avoid avoiding. And I say goodbye to that avoidance.
Name the fondness you carry for all of this and after each say “I say goodbye to that.”
I have fondness for avoidance protecting me and I say goodbye to that because I am strong enough now to protect myself. I have fondness for avoidance serving its purpose and now I say goodbye to that.
Name each dream you held for this relationship and after each say “I say goodbye to that.”
I dreamed of avoidance continuing into my future and I say goodbye to that. I dreamed of avoidance giving me more than it reasonably can today and so I say goodbye to that.
Finally say I am releasing myself from my past with you and I am getting ready to enter my future.
I am releasing myself from my past with avoidance and I am getting ready to enter my future.
And I say HELLO to:
I say hello to… better time management, I say hello to being more “on” and taking breaks to recharge, I say hello to less procrastination and more measured activities, I say hello to new beginnings, I say hello to ore motivation and perseverance, I say hello to new as much as I can and as patiently as possible.
EXERCISE 9: REMOVING ROADBLOCKS ART (p. 174)
DESCRIPTION OF DEPICTION:
BLOCK 1: Draw the Problem you’d like to change or move out of life. How does it feel inside you? Jot down any words, thoughts, emotions or beliefs with it.
For me: I focused on avoidance as the problem. I used signs like a STOP sign, a Turn Back sign and a Don’t Go sign. I also wrote down fear, lots of effort, anxiety, nervousness, inconvenient, needing to be “on”, procrastination, blockage, ineptitude, too much time, uncomfortable.
BLOCK 2: Draw the Resolution if it were to resolve and how you want it, how would you feel inside you, and jot down any words, thoughts, feelings or beliefs.
For me: I drew a shining sun with yellow and orange and wrote in the middle of it, POTENTIAL. I would have so much more potential and so much productivity, fulfillment, growth, facing challenges, living the reality of my dreams, love, light, hope, empowerment, improvement, happiness.
BLOCK 3: Draw the Block and what’s inside of you that blocks you from going to the Resolution. Words, beliefs, thoughts, and feels.
For me: I drew a barren, dead tree with FEAR written across it and some grass and growing flowers. I wrote that I have fear to bloom, fear to rise, fear to excel or fail, fear to burnout, fear to fear, fear to live, fear to drive (both driving a car and driving my life forwards), fear to let go, fear to realize.
BLOCK 4: Draw the Release. What needs to happen inside you to release the Block?
For me: I drew an egg breaking open (which “Soldiers” by Rachel Platten was a perfect song to be listening to as I was doing this page) with light and color streaming out of it. I wrote down that I need OPENNESS. Openness to try, just try. It may not always go well but be willing to try. Give it my all. Do something new and different. Be open to the risk because it could all go uphill and be so wonderful. Accept and cope with the risk and grow, grow, grow. Breaking open doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Similar lyric “We might [break] but we won’t [fall]” 😛😨
EXERCISE 10: MY MAGNETOGRAM (p. 188)
So this exercise served the purpose of identifying the types of relationships you have in your life with 8 main people. I wrote about my Mom and Dad, myself, my coworkers, my friends David, Madeline and Vanessa and online friendships overall as well. I wrote that most of my relationships encourage my confidence. I am hesitant in some relationships due to past trauma and codependency so I don’t always reach out when I need to. My ego parts need to be heard and seen by me over fears to revert back to old unhealthy behaviors, even if they haven’t happened in years. My ego parts on fear of old behaviors need to be recognized and allowed, fears of abandonment and previous/ongoing jellyfish clinging. My exploring these parts with compassion may be the perfect key.
EXERCISE 11: THE LOOKING GLASS (p. 207)
The exercise of the Looking Glass is to see how conditions or flaws we perceive in others is actually more so a reflection of our own flaws and mistakes. So for part A the instruction is to write 5 negative traits to someone you dislike. Notice how many apply to you and this may say more about you and your ego parts and areas needing work in your confidence than how much of it is about them.
I did not just one person but traits in a few people I dislike. Those traits were: too many jump cuts in Youtube videos, popularity, threatening by being themselves (usually in work relations), using filler words (uh, um), me feeling left behind. For what actually applied to me in this category: I don’t do enough jump cuts in my videos, I get lost in my judgment about me, my place and them, I have the fear someone will grow more than me, I say uh and um a lot and feeling I should be in a different place myself and the uncertainty that comes with that.
In part B it’s now to list positive traits in someone you admire. I wrote openness, fairness, confidence (speaking their mind in a polite and sustaining way), lifting up others and staying away from attacking or purposefully harming someone. To be honest, I have no idea what the second blurb is below this because I don’t think it’s about me, I think it’s about someone else that I admire so maybe I accidentally did this twice? Honestly, I have no idea and I’m burning out pretty quickly but as for that I just wrote that they were very open and honest, fair to individuality and experiences, radiates positive energy and is easy to trust and talk to, does so much to help peers and themselves and has good accountability and responsibility.
EXERCISE 12: THE BOOMERANG ACTIVITY (p. 208)
In terms of this actual, FINAL, exercise here is how it went…. I will introduce confident thoughts to ego parts that need my attention today. State them each.
Parts: Jealousy/envy over coworker’s presence and my fears of losing my job. Feeling left behind by my friend’s moving on and upwards in ways I haven’t yet.
Confidence: I can bring more awareness right now to my parts and thoughts. Awareness is the first step and then I can problem solve appropriately.
I will introduce confident feelings to ego parts that need them today.
I will be open to my parts and compassionate towards them. I will let them have space in me and not be overpowered by them. I will be kind and patient to them and myself. They are there to protect me.
I will speak confidently for ego parts that need to be spoken for today. State them, the person you need to speak them to and the confident words you’ll use.
I need to speak them to myself. I have many ideas and ambitions and noticing these more and being attuned to my body will help me achieve my goals. I will allow them acknowledgment and the freedom to let them go.
I will project confident thoughts, feelings and actions to someone today. State them:
I will finish these exercises and repeat them back in the BES process and a video (potentially) on Youtube in the days ahead.
Honestly, I was going to film a video for this blog post as well but having gone through all the information and sharing the photos and sharing text based descriptions of each image, I don’t feel AS much of a need to film a video on it as well. So for now, unless there’s more interest in it, I think for now I will NOT be filming a video for this review. But, you let me know if you’d like me to talk about it via one if anything here was confusing. Keep reading or take a small break because this post is BIG and I hope that you can enjoy it and learn something from my experiences or perspective as well as gleam some understanding about the book just from my POV. PS Subscribe to my Youtube channel here: RecoverytoWellness
THOUGHTS OR IDEAS I HAD WHILE READING:
On page 2, the author discusses the concept of how our brains and inevitably our behaviors, thoughts and emotions are things we carry with us wherever we go and how it doesn’t necessarily matter where we live geographically because (even like with new year’s) we cannot run away from what insecurities or struggles lie deep in our minds, souls and hearts. This reminded me especially of when I struggled with my mental health in university and I was always against leaving UMass Boston and attending a different school because I realized that the problem wasn’t necessarily the environment but how I was interacting and viewing it. And I was stubborn, as well. And I was also codependent in a few ways which didn’t help. But it was true, I knew that my brain would always automatically find self-destructive pathways because that’s what it was used to and that’s what it did. With time, recovery and a lot of healthier coping strategies and a lot of hard work with DBT, I’ve graduated from uni and I don’t have my first thoughts about harm or death, rather they’re either seventh or eighth thoughts, and that’s from all the work I’ve done on myself over the years. So, that’s something wonderful and something I can celebrate!!! I had to change the relationship I was having with myself before I could change the way I was looking at the world around me, so to speak.
By p. 26, where Robinson is exploring how the parts of us that are angry or selfish don’t eclipse us as people or eclipse our Confident Selves because we are not each of our parts or individual thoughts or experiences (our identities are much larger than that) I felt that I could relate in terms of my avoidance behaviors and procrastination and found this to be a very interesting concept to explore and manage as I read this book.
Being kind and compassionate to our parts when they arrive and we notice them reminds me of a group/therapy activity I was given before where the goal is to imagine your hurt part and giving yourself a hug to that part and that part to you. 🙂
p. 33 had me pondering what my parts were saying to me and what it was that I was not hearing from them. Also, the author used a stage/CEO corporate metaphor that really works and was super helpful. He also mentions quotes from other authors and people’s experiences and writings so that was a cool inclusion at times. 🙂
p. 35 talks about a great meditation metaphor about letting the parts speak in the corporate office and asks the Reader to lend compassion and mindfulness and nonjudgmental stances towards each part and allowing them the space to exist and not have to either fix them or shut them down etc. It’s a curious look into why they are there and what they’re trying to accomplish and then moving forwards yourself with your Confident Self. ❤
p. 42 discusses those feelings of inadequacy, never being enough and worthlessness for not striving to do better that can sometimes happen in people’s childhoods and how that pain can carry over into their long, enduring adult life. I thought this was particularly poignant to draw from with Loki in my fanfics and other characters I use here and there in my writing life. (But especially with Loki in D&D etc.)
p. 44 Reminded me of the perceptual illusions I carry in my life mainly regarding work experiences (fear that people will find out how little life skills I have (cleaning, cooking, etc.)), and with social media (no one is watching my content, I’m not as good as X at this, Y doesn’t struggle with Z, etc.)). This helped me to start being more aware of my own parts while I was still early on in reading this book
This is more of an observation than anything else but it took place on p. 53 where I could partially relate to the issue of connectivity with people and how certain people can behave in ways that remind you of other people who have hurt you before so like some transference type of stuff and it made me think I struggled with that especially in support group settings where I’m still working on whether or not it’s more helpful or damaging for me. I think I walk in with such a closed mind that even when I DO relate to someone, I’m so quick to judge it and push it away and point out all of our differences than being open to the experience. Also, I don’t like when people bring up my past which can happen in a way to show how much I’ve grown but I don’t interpret it like that. Instead it makes me long for different times, even if those times sucked. And it glorifies it too. And then it reignites old pathways that I make it a point to ignore or avoid today. 💔🖤🖤
I really liked the concept on page 54 where current everyday problems trigger off old hurts or parts and how working to notice these changes and not react to them today as you would have in the past was very telling for me. Like, it’s important to practice recognizing when the current situation isn’t exactly the problem but rather what it’s reminding you of or where it brings you back and how those parts are just trying to help to protect you from pain. This reminded me of things like my friends bringing up my past for support groups as well as my friend Griffin on Twitter and things to that effect. So, it had real world applications for me and I can continue to see where I would benefit a lot from working on interpersonal effectiveness/DBT skills again.
p. 63: I can choose to look at circumstances that are proving to be difficult as efforts for which my self-efficiency will be preparing me for easier times ahead so in the context of engagement on Youtube, if I can be there for myself than over time others can be able to step up the helm and we can all be happy. Also, putting myself more out there by commenting and networking is super, super important and critical!! As long as I’m there for me, anyone else is bonus. (And still needed and wanted, don’t get me wrong!!) I must in some part be doing it for me so that’s what has to matter at the end of the day, did I make something I love and am proud of given my skills in the present moment? Then that can be enough. XXX
End of p. 75 reminds me of the describe and observe DBT skills. 😁😅🤗
p. 85: So there’s a really awesome concept introduced in this chapter on the Practice of Optimism that the author calls the “zoom lens” which is about focusing in on pessimism of the things you lack, don’t have and how you’ll never have them. It’s a black and white thinking or all or nothing type of deal. By hyper-focusing on what you don’t have, you dismiss and lessen all the things you DO have. It’s a faulty comparison, seeing what everyone ELSE has and then not seeing clearly what you DO have yourself. I can really relate to this with work at Amaryllis. I always catch myself comparing how my co-workers down the hall are “having more fun”, “more needed/necessary” down there without me rather than me recognizing we are ALL doing our best work and we are all valuable members of the same team with a common goal. I have to tweak the way I’m looking at it and thinking about it, which, is of course, another work in progress for me as well. I can also see how one of my close friends does much the same too, and I’m going to make it a point to recommend them this book. 💙💙💙 PS The way to combat the zoom lens is to engage with the wide angle lens of your Confident Self.
13. p. 87 speaks about the concept of yes, knowing our limitations is important, and that also recognizing all of our “tallcomings” is just as important to get a clearer picture of who we are: to others and to ourselves. Finding ways to love ourselves and respect ourselves as much as we show and respect others is so crucial. I think I still seek a lot of praise, attention and validation from other people so I could really relate to this bit and I want to return and enhance my experiences of providing myself my own validation, care and praise and doing this in the fashion of: “by me, for me, from me.” 💚💚🌈☀ The way I’ll do this is by writing lists, cards and journal entries to myself along with scripts (for scripts: I really want to do a lot more writing exercises regarding roleplays for work issues I have as well as just practicing visualizations and fanfic based stuff).
14. “[this] shows us that we can transform our lives into meaningful life experiences, no matter how horrendous the circumstances” — Robinson, 2009, p. 108
For me, on 2/16/21 I wrote down on my page flag that I had an art idea for watercoloring/drawing of this concept regarding transformation and meaning-making and purpose. I’m thinking a butterfly with a rainbow/rainbows in the background of it. Something I can do in my sketchbook, or at worst a watercolor based paper that I got before from Target. 😁🙂
15. p. 126 There’s talk about how avoidant and perfectionistic ego parts were getting in the way of someone’s experiences because they were inevitably trying to protect her from a fear of failure that she had carried with her from childhood and I thought it was SO relatable to me. Way back when, in college, I had fears of failure and fears of success and I think this might be an insight into how they are still acting in my life today in more shielded and masked ways. So yeah, I definitely struggle with those two issues of avoidance spawning from perfectionism and finding that key could prove super vital for me going forwards in time as well. This book gave me a LOT of insight into myself and that was partially because I took the initiative to look into these matters myself and that I didn’t just stay complacent and bored with where the matters circled old thoughts, patterns and my awareness levels or even levels of my subconscious. So, if that’s not clear, I don’t know what ever will be. It’s taken a LOT of work just to write this post but hopefully it was worth it all, all the hours and the listening to music and the flow and the information and the pictures and descriptions. It was a lot. But I got a lot out of it, too. If you can tackle this book yourself in some of the same ways I’m sure you’ll get a lot out of it yourself, too.
16. I really appreciated, in the Harmony chapter (p. 127), this idea that tackling something I haven’t worked on in even the smallest of ways or challenging myself in a small way each day was particularly impactful. It suggests things like even taking a different route home from work. For me, that’s going to prove to be cooking at work and at home with the proper amount of support and feedback and handling more meds/MAP based principles, too. It reminded me that not everyone has everything figured out and we can always find more ways to improve ourselves and it’s okay to ask for help and get support in these matters because we’re not alone!! ❣❣❣
17. I also liked the reframe on page 161 (The Practice of the Vacuum) that an example person forgave her husband and her best friend for having an affair and running off together leaving her behind as not an act of forgiveness for them but for her own peace of mind and her own self. It was a compassionate act for her to give herself, rather than to absolve them of what they did to her (they were no longer in the picture in her life but she was still holding onto resentments). So I think that was an important thing to note here as well.
18. “I release, one by one, all the upsetting thoughts and feelings that I have carried and that have weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I wish you no harm. I bury the hatchet once and for all and set myself free. As these burdens lift, I am open to receiving life’s blessings in this empty space”
Robinson, 2009, p. 170
What I really liked about this quote above is that it is a great exercise in accepting forgiveness’s and letting go once and for all in an effort not unlike radical acceptance in DBT. It’s just this really nice, kind and compassionate/caring act for one’s self and a nice reframe to otherwise difficult situations. Not returning to the hatchet in any way and finding more creative or artistic ways to identify and explore these parts is also critical and poignant.
19. Art Idea #1 from Feb. 18th 2021 on p. 187 regarding radiating positivity, a person in a triumphant position with light and sparkles surrounding them as a nice homage to my slogan “[survivors] radiating badassery”
20. The conclusion of this book ends with that 5 part poem about falling in a hole and I can’t recall if it was this poem or a similar one about falling in a hole and someone coming by to fall in too and help the narrator out, but it was super awesome to see it or similar things again and I really loved that it was included in this book!!! I can relate to being in Chapter 3 with the trich right now. It’s the “Autobiography” poem by Portia Nelson.
THINGS THAT I DISAGREED WITH OR DIDN’T SIT RIGHT WITH ME:
In terms of the trigger warning I placed for this book, there were a small handful of instances where more severe mental health conditions were painted as things that they’re not, in the sense that depression is something EVERYONE experiences which just isn’t true as a condition (if we’re talking sadness or low mood, then yes that’s different) but that’s not how it was worded initially. On top of that, things like “no one worries 100% of the time”, eh, maybe, but what about people with a severe anxiety disorder? Is that still the same then? I’m not sure. Additionally, there’s this “making friends” notion between the parts inside of the Reader on p. 27 which I think the INTENTION was to accept the difficulties of the parts (for instance, anger or it even mentions depression specifically) and allow them space for a while and then move on forwards with a more informed and cognitively aware Confident Self, however, it came across to me as more like “make friends” with the conditions which could be really dangerous because sometimes, in my experiences, when I made friends with OCD and depression, things like treatment, treatment teams, medications, behavioral changes etc. felt threatened and I felt like it had been Us Against the World and it’s not like those conditions really had my best interests at heart (read: harm and death). Like, they would have done everything and anything to make me go down with them so I just think this has to be worded more carefully. No one’s fault really. Just… it’s tricky.
MY EXPERIENCE: WHAT KEPT ME READING; THE BOOK’S IMPACT ON ME….
Even when I started reading this book, it was hard hitting with spitting facts and making me existentially aware of myself, my surroundings and what I’d be expecting to get out of this read (which I could never have properly expected, I realize now). It was emotional but necessary. And it made me realize I was in it for the long haul–through the ups and the downs and the procrastinating, avoiding and eventual returning to it to finish it off. Man, it was a journey. It was an experience.
There was an awareness by the author in the very beginning of the book where he realized that what the Reader would take away from his book could have so many endless possibilities and existences because we’re working from our own unique Perspective and what we already think, believe and interact/act/react with the world around us. So, I found that to be pretty refreshing and an interesting point of view to state from the get-go.
I did appreciate the push towards proactive/active practitioner in this book versus being a passive life experiencer. Meaning, taking charge of your experiences in life and choosing to plow forwards by identifying the limiting thoughts, beliefs, emotions and behaviors that are holding you back in life and preventing you from living the way you want to live (Confident-Led). That, I found, was refreshing. My favorite all time chapter was the one on Empowerment (with Optimism as a close second!!). I LOVED and LIVED for that chapter, (Empowerment) ahaha. More on that soon.
So, there was also a really meaningful and profound moment that I had on p. 82 (and it’s now a new day that I’m writing so I’ve been flickering between which section to place this thought but….) it talks about this concept that sometimes we, as people, get caught up in looking ahead to future experiences that we forget or dismiss what it is happening RIGHT NOW. So, in this example the author talks about a colleague he had that loved long, summer days and on the longest day of summer, he asked her how she must be so happy and she said that she was so sad thinking of the fact that all the days ahead were going to be so short (Robinson, 2009). That was SUPER relatable for me because I’ve been doing a LOT of that lately in my life. I keep putting down milestones in the days ahead of me: so like, yesterday (Friday) I had a doctor’s appointment and it’s what I wanted to get done and rush through it each day before then I looked towards that appointment and then when it was there I was busy thinking about how I was feeling physically, mentally and looking towards the next thing I had upcoming. So like, even with work tomorrow (Sunday), I’m thinking of wanting to rush to get through that experience so that the next thing I have to do on Monday, hopefully, will be going up to the library to return this book and another one ((it’s now Monday so I’ll actually be doing this on Wednesday instead)) and then once that experience is there and happening, I’ll be too busy focusing on the next thing. I’m just NOT being mindful and patient with the experiences in my life and I’d really, really like to work on that and just get back to the present moment. So, there’s that. I think I got really good at distracting myself which can be great but also a slippery slope into avoidance and over-distraction, if that makes sense.
Like, I can learn how to enjoy this moment or take just a second to ground myself and be okay with what is happening or at least accepting of it. Something that I did when I filmed a video about my book thought challenges list was encountering the absurdity and unfathomable notion that I’d read a book just to read it (not to review it here) or stop reading a book if I don’t like it (not finishing it) and I was SO animated about that process that I was actually able to let go a little bit and start reading a book I’ve had for YEARS on mindfulness and challenge myself in that way to just be in the moment, listen to ambient noise and read through it little by little. It was REALLY great and I gave myself time for just me for like 15 mins and it was SO refreshing and I’ve been able to consult it a couple times since so yeah, it was a really great milestone and achievement. So basically I have to work on enjoyment of the moment and being in it as much as possible. A stroke of progress for sure.
Another thing that really struck me was from the chapter on Empowerment on page 108 where Robinson, 2009 talks about how everyone in life is faced with challenges, some small ones and some seismic ones and how we choose to respond to them was up to us and it was very much possible to turn obstacles into opportunities and it reminded me a lot of my fiction novel and the other ideas, dreams and aspirations I have in my life so that was really wonderful and cool and something I wanted to share with you guys. ❤❤❤
Personally, I found a lot of inspiration and guidance in the Empowerment chapter, where Robinson details how it’s the work of a survivor that transforms their suffering and hardships into meaningful experiences via shifting their views of life’s challenges into lessons from which they can grow and learn about their Confident Selves (Robinson, 2009, p. 109). This in particular also reminded me of my fanfics and that was really refreshing at the time. :] As another example from this chapter:
“When life’s adversities come your way–as they surely will from time to time–perhaps you can be reminded to look for meaning, strength and growth in how you face and cope with hardships. Cosmic slaps are not choices; how you handle them is a choice. You can take the ‘cosmic taps’–those everyday challenges that are much smaller in scale than devastation–and rework them to your advantage. Finding the gains in your losses will help you lead your life with confidence”
— Robinson, 2009, p. 111
The above quote gave me another wonderful round of ideas for groups at work and I just love the way it was written and how that perspective of optimism and seeing the greatness in all the shittiness of life was just so relatable and inspiring. It also highlights the choices the Reader can regard and recall for themselves and I think that is so, so powerful.
There is also a cool visualization exercise for meditation and imagining positive experiences coming out of p. 155 that is noteworthy to mention. It’s a meditation to envision some good fortune happening and noticing any parts that come up and then moving forward as though all the endless possibilities did physically occur and repeating to yourself that I am experiencing X thing etc. Just thought I’d mention it. ☀☀
Something I really want to end with as a highlight from this book is this extraordinary instance that I’ve had to manhandle into my life recently as well….
“[Claire’s envy] was eclipsing her Confident Self because the good fortunes of others were reminders of Claire’s own inner unhappiness and lack of confidence. Until she could celebrate the good fortunes of others, Claire was blind to her own gifts…Envying what others have can keep you from seeing your own blessings and prevent you from realizing that you have other gifts that they don’t”
Robinson, 2009, p. 196
The reason I want to highlight this is because it’s relevant to some experience I’ve currently have with work relationships at Amaryllis and with a friend of mine moving out on their own. I can get threatened by other people improving and doing really well at work and it’s something I have to keep an eye out for more. With my friend, I was super jealous at first that they were moving out because I thought I should be the one doing that and I’m not even at that stage yet. However, I’ve challenged this like it describes here that participating in other people’s joys helps you to feel and experience those joys as well, and like the above quote, I do have other achievements I’ve made since being friends with this person that maybe they haven’t managed just yet on their own (and that that’s okay and we can each celebrate our differences and where we’re going in life!). There’s also this secondary quote in the next paragraph that says “Confidence comes from being grateful for what you have–not from wanting what others have”. So, yeah, this really stuck out for me and I wound up deciding I could give my friend some house warming gifts so I’ve compiled together objects regarding that all from TJ Maxx and it was very exciting and I can’t wait to give it to them and share that with them. Things are definitely a work in progress; and I’m proud of me!!! 💜💜💜🤗🤗🤩
Something else I’d like to put together more is writing out roleplay scenes for work and creating writing exercises and listening to meditations and doing those visualization exercises so that is something else I am carrying with me from having read this book and done so much dabbling in it and everything. (And I’m challenging my all or nothing tonight by setting aside the Editing Process of this post for the next day (sorta) to give myself a break and maintain my own sanity ahaha).
2.18.2021, 2.19, 2.20, (took a break completely on 2/21), returned 2/22 to edit and post. :))
GOSH, THAT WAS SOOOOOO MUCH.
Thank you ENDLESSLY for anyone who made it THIS far into the post. You’re so AWESOME and you deserve all the good things in the world. I am definitely gong to leave the editing process up to myself for Sunday evening Monday evening because I gave myself an even larger break from Sunday rather than trying to squish it all in on Saturday because honestly I’m tired of looking at this screen and fumbling with my spellings repeatedly. I need a break ahaha. Just some time to myself, which I’ll be taking very shortly. Maybe I can try and download two or three new songs because I’m gonna NEED them tomorrow.
Welp, that’s all I got. Thank you so much and I hope that this post was interesting for you and at the end of the day…. FAREWELL. I will see you guys VERY soon. I’ll be doing a few other reviews and then most likely scheduling some posts. 😜💙💙
PS Books referred to in this main text that I do want to check out some time…
Pema Chodron, 1997 “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
Viktor Frankl, 2006, “Man’s Search for Meaning”
Shakti Gawain, 2002, “Creative Visualization: Use the Power of Your Imagination to Create What You Want in Life”
Eckhart Tolle, 2004, “The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment”
Eckhart Tolle, 2005, “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose”
I’ve worked on a few book reviews in the months of Nov. mostly but it’s January 2021, a whole new year now, and I just need to find a place to write out my thoughts and work through my feelings and since a fanfic chapter wouldn’t work, here I am.
Returning to my roots.
I just need some space. That’s all.
And then I’ll try and handle everything else.
So, it’s been a while.
I don’t remember what my last post was. I don’t even really care right now either. I’ve had a helluva day and I’d like it to be over very soon. I’ve been more active on my Youtube channel, I attempted a Vlogmas 2020 but that kinda fell flat although I have plenty of footage from trying so that’s something. I posted a video last like two weeks ago, I think. I have more to work on and edit and handle soon. But as with everything in my life these days: I tackle one small thing and thirty others that I’ve been avoiding reappear and pop back up and I’m in a sliding scale of trying to maintain my sanity and my head on a level front and I just… I can’t.
And I don’t know where to go from here.
I’m just so lost, and lazy, and sad, and confused. My headphones jack wasn’t working on my new laptop so that was a hell of a 15 mins of trying to reconfigure that. I tried to install my second–third? Does having Windows Movie Maker built into my old laptop count?–video editing software back on Sun (or was it Sat?) and that blew up in my face and didn’t work because I’ve lost the serial number somewhere and I can’t work with the program. So, that sucked. I’m still only able to edit on WMM on my old laptop. And if that stops working? I’m basically fucked. I haven’t tried Pinnacle yet so I will do that next. But not today. I can’t handle one more letdown.
I managed to do some laundry which I’m glad about. I just have to toss them into the dryer now. I was trying to fix my bed because my Mom’s been complaining about it and made me aware of how much I’ve been avoiding it the past few months but somewhere in the middle of trying to fix it, I lost 1/4 of the space I had due to my pillows, (I almost said planets, ahaha), blankets, pajamas and toys. So that REALLY pissed me off. I tried to listen to music and the washer has been having problems. My ankle hurts today, I don’t know why, it didn’t before, but since 4:45p it was hurting and it hasn’t stopped. Maybe I twirled it wrong trying to crack it. It still hurts. But I was SO close to kicking with a socked foot the washer machine ’cause I was angry and all but I managed to not do that, luckily. Probably would have broken something. I listened to music instead and then I used opposite action and rubbed and talked to my doggo, Mokeys. That helped a lot.
Then the headphone jack happened. That was annoying. Luckily I managed to fix it (the sound was only coming out of the laptop’s speakers and not on my connected headphones)–I fiddled with it from a Google search and then default and disabling functions from speaker to headphones. Luckily it’s okay again. There is some hope yet that it won’t be a further issue in the future.
I fell asleep at 7:30p last night. I woke up at 4:30a today. I was up for two hours. I got together my laundry clothes and played Animal Crossing on the Switch. I woke again at 10a and tried to uncover the reasons for why my memory is so shit now and why and how I can be so distracted and all the things I had to do, spoke to my Mom and felt more overwhelmed and somewhat invalidated here and there and just worried about work and how I’ve been struggling in that realm even–mixing up rules and being too lazy there to do certain things, my difficulties with it, how to fix it or where to even start–and then I fell asleep a little again and was a little late to my saliva COVID-19 test. But I got there and it was okay. I got more gas for my car and the check engine light is permanently on but apparently it’s just from a misfiring connection from under the seat so it’s okay for now. I had work on Sun (as well as Th and Fri for the holidays) and it was a HARD shift. I had a day off and now tomorrow I have another work night. I hope it will go better. I don’t really believe in it that strongly though.
I’m just tired. I’m so tired of my bullshit and I’m just disappointed. I just want to coast by on my little irreparable boat and not have to worry about one thing or another. Like, why can’t I just coast for a while? I’m so tired. I just want it all to stop, for a little while. A break. Something nice. A reprieve. A small vacation.
I’m supposed to be working up to 3 days a week soon and I’m kinda dreading it right now. I’m just so burntout in life and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve been sad, I’ve been worried, I’ve been rage-induced the last two days, I’d like to just be okay. That’s all I’m asking for.
Someone on third shift tested positive for COVID-19 as of Friday evening so the whole cottage (there’s only 5 kids right now though) is under quarantine. Which means we can’t be bringing the kids to the gym or the computer lab so they’re all kinda cooped up in the cottage and we can only be outside the front if no one else is. The kids all have to get tested too. It’s kinda a mess. We’re gonna be in that for at least 10 days, I think that’s the new–next?–quarantine mission.
I feel a little better now. Listening to music and just getting it out somewhere. I really do have posts I can work on and everything, I just have been severely avoiding it all and procrastinating with Youtube a lot, filming or editing some videos here and there, being busy in general, picking up more holidays for Amaryllis, managing to write for SOME fanfic here and there and just rinse and repeat for the last two months.
I don’t know what I need exactly. I would like to listen to “Hold On” by Chord Overstreet but it’s not on the laptop. Maybe I will plop it in….
Ooop, I discovered some extra level bullshit: my headphones are in use and the music on Youtube just played through my speakers instead. Fuuuuuuuck. Maybe my whole “fixing” things didn’t actually. Great. Awesome. Wonderful. Why would it? 😫😣😑
I’ve listened to music so much today that now it all feels stale and boring. 🤔
I have been painting a lot more lately. I’ve been using those glitter explosion paints and really falling in love with them. I’ve done some wood and some coloring pages from my hygge book actually. I’ve had some photos up on Twitter. Honestly, I think that’s about all from me for now. I have to just slingshot my way into (that JUST reminded me: I have to get a new slingshot in ACNH but I think the store closes at 8p, Nook’s Cranny, unless it might be 10p…hmm) other tasks, as per usual. I’m tired but keep getting back up anyways. It’s a never ending cycle.
But I guess that’s life.
So here’s hoping I can write some more fanfic soon. Reread things. Read some BOOKS. Do some reviews. Watch some movies and MCU movies. Write more fanfic. Challenge avoidances and procrastination. Go to work. Manage my moods. Do all my therapy homework. Enjoy my massage. Practice for my presentation. And enjoy a few more days off.
I’ll try not to be gone for two months again. 😊
Thank you for reading what I wrote. I’ll try my best. That’s all I can manage right now. Say hello or tell me how you’re doing (really doing) in the comments and I’ll answer them as soon as I’m able to. Stay safe and take care during this whole pandemic thing.
PS I am safe by the way. Other than a few instances where I could have self-harmed, thought about it, considered it, saw it in my mind (the washer and scratching) I did not do them. I won’t do them either. I know where to get help when I need it. I just needed a place to spew it all out for now. And this served its function. I genuinely do feel better now, at least better than when I began, which is a whole other thing I could talk about (mixed signals, not getting satisfying amounts of help, interpersonal effectiveness, friends who are actually there when I need them and not just when they say they will be and just vanish otherwise etc.) but for now it has to be enough. I need to move on. So, I’m going to. Safe, safe, safe. Just don’t always feel that way. 💔🤍🖤
Living life with a chronic illness is definitely not easy. But I do my best to push through all the barriers this illness puts in front of me! In my heart and mind, I believe maintaining a positive outlook on all situations in life will carry us through to much better times! I hope you find the information that I provide both helpful and inspirational!