I’m Tired of The Void

Just made this thumb for this post, 9.2.20

What exactly IS “The Void?”

I’m glad you asked!

(Although, this is The Void we’re talking about so you probably didn’t 😉 )

I’ve used this term, “The Void”, much lately, mainly on Twitter but on Youtube and the like, too. I’m pretty sure I’ve blogged about it or complained somewhere online about it before.

Basically, to me, The Void is:

    • Feeling like you’re talking to blank air
    • Feeling like you’re talking to a brick wall
    • Feeling like you’re talking to the Grand Expanse of the Universe except it never returns your calls and never gives you any ounce of recognition that it’s noticed you
    • It’s feeling alone when no one else around you seems to notice
    • It’s rifling between wanting to advocate for yourself and just bearing your teeth and getting through it
    • It’s trying, and failing, to create some type of online community. Whether the mission is to get ass-pats or constructive criticism, you’re no longer sure. Whether you’re looking for something that the Internet cannot, could not or should not, give you because for whatever reason you keep coming back to it and your real life is nonexistent since you spend so much time searching outside yourself for something only you can give yourself within and in real time.
    • It’s seeing other people manage communities online when you’re just having no attention
    • It’s hating that you need attention, that you WANT attention, you want recognition and you’re tired
    • You’re so, so tired of having to put in the effort, the time, the connection, the experience, the work, the avenues. You’re just tired. Too tired. And it never ends. It never freaking ends.
    • The Void is talking to no one that’s actually there. Feeling lost and confused and wanting to deactivate accounts just so SOMEBODY will say something, anything.
    • The Void is creating and creating and creating but for WHAT purpose? If no one sees it, no one acknowledges its existence, does it even really matter?
    • The Void is quiet. Very, very quiet.
    • And yet The Void remembers. One day, whatever you posted online will come back to haunt you, so make sure it’s something good and okay.
    • The Void sucks ass.

 

I hate The Void with a passion. I’m tired of working for it. I’m tired of putting in some effort, to become drained, to become busy, to become consumed with SOMETHING else and then hitting another bump in the road only for my car to spin out and no one to come to my side again. I hate making things for no one to watch. For no one to see. No one to notice. I don’t know when it became about other people, and I hate it, but it did. I get so few interaction and even when I DO, because sometimes I DO, it never measures up. It’s never enough. It’s timed, it has its own expiration date, and it comes too soon, too close, only to be snatched away again.

I don’t know what I’m searching for. Searching outside myself for. But I’m not getting it. I’m not getting it and it’s not lasting and it leaves me (leads me?) back into The Void again and I’m so tired of it.

Why share the story if no one is going to read it?

 

 

I don’t know. I don’t have any answers. The Void sucks up my creativity and I’ve returned to another week devoid of writing vibes. I can’t write fanfic right now and while I have been doing my weekly poetry, I’m terribly behind in posts. Maybe I need to re-evaluate. Maybe I need to be more honest with myself. Because I think I want popularity, I think I want what I can’t necessarily have, not something that’s going to come easily. Something that’s going to take a lot out of me and even then, it may not be enough.

So I’m tired. I’m tired and I’ve tried. And yet here I am, talking to The Void again.

 

 

But maybe it’s okay.

Because I know The Void won’t answer back. One of the few good things about The Void is that no one is gonna leave you hate comments or trolling comments because they don’t even know you exist in the first place!

Sigh.

Welp, that’s it. That’s the post.

 

 

 

In the end, to me, The Void is people seeing, observing, noticing, and never saying anything. Maybe I’m craving interaction more now than ever before but I’m not getting it. And it’s frustrating. It feels like I’ll never receive it again. It feels like it’ll always be this quiet. So, so quiet.

But then, I guess it does start with me. Maybe if I interact more, and do more again and in a timely fashion (hah!) then maybe the interaction, the people will come to me.

…..Maybe only for them to leave again.

Maybe only to hit another lull in followers, in comments, in likes, in re-postings. Maybe once you enter The Void, you don’t come back out the same on the other side. Maybe there is no Void, maybe it’s all just an illusion. People lurk, people see, they don’t always say something. Maybe The Void is there for you to question what you want and then go about changing your perspective to match it. Maybe The Void is there to help.

But it hurts.

It just hurts.

 

 

 

And maybe what’s painful is a sign that something else needs to change. But just what that is…. I don’t think I’ll ever know. </3

Mood music: “Hold On” by Chord Overstreet; Editing: my spacings are getting all kinds of fucked up. Grrrrr

#SummerComer #PoetryChallenge Entry #6: Humanity is Measured Not in Hate But in Kindness


Hi again.

When you find this post, I will have scheduled it the day before. Or, the evening before, more so. Regardless, here is the sixth entry into this Poetry Challenge that I’ve made for myself.

Enjoy!

PS Here is last “week’s” post.


What are the RULES?

  • each post begins with the thumb above
  • each poem will be individually titled and labeled by the entry number in both the piece itself (at the end) and in the title
  • each post will include any background music used to “set the mood” which will be listed at the end of the entry
  • each poem loosely exists within the context of summer but is not strictly limited in constructing that imagery. I.e. it’s a summer project but may venture outside of that topic/theme-wise. 🙂
  • the goal: one poem each week from the end of May to the start of September under the hashtag: #SummerComer

Humanity is Measured Not in Hate But in Kindness

it was somewhere

along the way

that they

didn’t

have the heart

to say ‘No.’

it was some place

along the trail

that they

didn’t

have the strength to

bark back ‘Please.’

it was in some manner

where the sun

sparkled through the trees

that they struggled

with the courage

resting in their breast

to say “Stop.”

there was something in the way

that the moonlight

glittered on the ocean front

that made their experience

quantify into thousands of

insects’ wings fluttering up

into a cacophony of sound,

the air vibrating with their pressure,

the breath of life that leaked

from their open mouth

spun into kaleidoscopes as they

shouted from the ground,

“Let me free!”

the sticky, black goo

that rose from the tarmac

threatened to take their

existence from them,

but they were strong,

they were holding on tight,

and they never backed down,

grumbling out instead,

“Try to take me,

And you’ll fail.”

The goo transformed,

turning to a face that

they recognized

as painful,

but still they reiterated,

“Try to scare me,

And you won’t win.”

Their expression was harder now,

softer in some respects,

and their blue eyes flashed

with purpose.

“Try to take me,” they uttered with

a voice as strong as Plexiglas.

“I’d like to see you try.”

The goo changed again,

curling its tendrils around their legs,

legs rooted to the ground in a

steadfast position.

The goo curled them into a tight hug,

but they weren’t afraid any longer,

instead they smirked and said,

“Is that the best you’ve got?”

The goo hissed and moved to strangle them,

and they laughed instead,

pulling away easily and

humming to themselves,

“Your weakness baffles me.”

They narrowed their eyes at the

monstrosity before them.

“You’ve fought wars

and sought out pain,

yet here you are,

incapable of taking me down.

Do you know why?”

The intensity sparked further in their eyes,

just as they began to remove their arms,

stretching the goo’s material

as it cried out in discomfort.

“Because I am Loved.

Because I am Worthy.

Because I am Arose in Purpose.

Because I am Faith.

Because I am More.

More than you’ll ever be,

And when I struggle for breath,

When I fade in the dying light,

I’ll still be Strong,

I’ll still know my Worth,

Because unlike you,

I don’t need to tear people

Down in order to shine brighter.”

They grasped the creature’s limbs

in tight, closed fists.

“You can come back for me,

And you will,

But I’ll win again,

Because I have strength,

I have power,

I have unlimited potential

Compared to you.”

They tilted their head slightly,

the intensity in their stare never

wavering.

“But I won’t kill you,

I won’t destroy you.

Because I know what that’s like too.

So I will help you,

I will uplift you,

And I will heal you,

Because that is what you need.

And if you refuse to change,

If you refuse to become better,

Then I will let you go.

Because even you deserve not to be

Hindered.

Even you deserve freedom.”

The ghost of a smile

Lit up their features as they

Pushed down the creature,

Back into its small pocket

Upon the floor.

“It takes more love to treat

Those who crave it,

But aren’t aware of it,

Than it does to easily

Spill apart hate.”

They dusted off their palms,

The ashy hue left upon their

Fingerprints

And as they did so,

As they did,

Their spirit sparkled and they said

Lowly,

“I’ll trust in you,

Even when you don’t in me.

Because that’s the biggest

Difference between us:

You hate, you destroy, you crave power

and I am loved, I create and I

already exist powerfully.”

They slid a lone finger down the side

Of the aching creature’s face,

“And all you needed was the same.

And I’m sorry you didn’t receive it.

For I am here if you change your mind,

But tearing down others to

Build yourself up,

Is not the way.”

They sighed, lightly.

“Maybe one day you will see that.

For now, I will hold onto it for you.”

They began to walk away, but not before

Saying over their shoulder,

“I’ll be back for you at a later date,

And I will hope for you

And dream for you,

What you never dared to dream for yourself.

Rest easy, my dear.”

A torched piece of parchment

Flew free from their hand

And fell down near the shadow’s

Skin,

Etched upon its surface were the words:

Spreading kindness in a world of hate

Lifts all souls that deserve no such fate.

For humanity is measured not in which

All there is light, but rather when there exists much fight.

And no matter what cost,

What they engender must be no less than crossed.

For it is not only how a person acts within a crowd,

But the way they act alone and proud.

Forgiveness is a force that can only be decided

By those at war,

Who crave more,

Who desire a roar.

And at the end of the night,

They can only choose to shine bright.

Because where there is dark in light,

There is light in night,

And they, too, shall never lose sight.

Technical Aspects of the Poem:

Written and Edited: 6/26/2020

Mood Music: “Where the Shadow Ends” by BANNERS ft. Young Bombs


About the Poem: Kinda thinking of Kill Monger and T’Challa in “Black Panther” (2018) along with other related types of events occurring in the world and just having a creative spirit birthed this poem. I’m not sure if it even makes much sense (and I’ve tried my best rewriting/rewording some parts to make more sense, but I still can’t tell ahaha) but it’s what I got for this week and so that will have to be enough. Also, I’ve been doing a lot more lower cased poetry which isn’t something that I would do a lot of in the past, just an interesting thing. I tried to keep the change when our narrator they started talking more and their confidence grew and so the stylistic choices changed as well to match that. But yeah, let me know what you think!! Thank you so much for reading and feel free to share this work along with my others! Stay safe. xxx

#SummerComer #PoetryChallenge | Rules and Entry #1: (Thanks) To the Music in Her Soul

Welcome to the #SummerComer thumb and blog post poetry challenge!! All photographs by me and the thumb itself was made on the ever so lovely Canva! 🙂

Why, hello there!!!

Welcome back to another blog post on my WordPress account! 😀 This one is especially nice as I’m bringing to you all an idea that I got inspired by this author’s blog post (Jason A Muckley) which was also inspired by this author’s blog post (Brooke Cutler) .

Basically (and I had to switch back to the Classic Editor I know and love because the top bar was missing in the new block editor and I have no idea how to get it back nor do I have the patience for that level of fuckery right now, PLUS we just temporarily lost power so now I feel like I’m racing against the clock, ahahha, sad.) I will layout the outline of each of their respective challenges here:

  1. Brooke’s challenge was to come up with a new poem every day in May using the word “darling”
  2. Jason was then inspired to create his own type of challenge. His involves (and you should totally check them both out, by the way!) writing a new poem every day from May 10th (Mother’s Day) until June 20 (first day of summer) all about summer themed activities and going-on’s. He then came up with a hashtag for the event calling it #FunInTheSun

Now here’s where I come in:

My challenge, inspired by Jason’s, is to create a new poem each week (just one!) starting from this week (originally yesterday, but today is still the first week for me, I’m going on the assumption that Sunday’s are the starts of the week rather than Monday’s) May 22nd 2020 — September 4th 2020 where the theme will be summer but a little looser so it can apply to other topics or happenings that relate beyond summer itself. 🙂 I am calling this series: #SummerComer

So, essentially, I’m going to be doing a creative poem each week starting now until the start of September! Whoooo!!!

If you have any ideas or prompts or things YOU’D like to see me cover, leave them all down below! The layout for this series is as follows:

  • each post will start with the thumb above
  • each poem will be individually titled and labeled by the entry number in both the piece itself (at the end) and in the title
  • each post will include any background music used to “set the mood”. I may sometimes use the Calm App, potentially, and will credit that as sees fit.

That said, here is this week’s first poem:

 


(Thanks) To the Music in Her Soul

 

She heard the lyrics

Of the song within her soul,

Heard the pitch,

Heard the beat,

As she strolled along the shore.

 

She swayed her hips,

Rounded and pure,

Her shoulders knocking back

Moving with the music.

 

She wore a peaceful smile

Upon her full cheeks,

And the pink lip gloss

On her lips

Sparkled in the setting sun.

 

She was aglow with light,

As it wafted down from the large,

Fluffy white clouds.

 

It parted through the shadows locked

Behind her brown eyes,

And it swept away the doubts

And insecurities that would cling to her skin

Late at night.

 

It washed over her like the waves

Lapping at her bare feet,

Chilly in the summer wind

Yet comforting all the same.

 

The scent of the ocean

Flocked over her,

And she dared to break out into song,

Verbalizing the words that had haunted

Her dreams for days.

 

She did this,

Serenely,

As the sun departed behind the hills

Far, far away

As the beach was empty save for a few

Passing gulls

 

And when she left that day,

When she, too, departed from the world,

She did so with a blissful heart

And a song that felt richer

Than it had ever been before.

 

(Technical information about the poem:

Entry #1: #SummerComer

Written: 5/23/20

Background music: “Happier” by Marshmello ft. Bastille)


 

Annnnnd, that’s it!! Thank you so much for reading!! I hope that this can be something neat to look forward to each week on this blog and that you can be inspired in some way by it and hell, maybe someone else will be inspired and continue the challenge-inception spiral! Ahaha.

I will have more blog posts coming in the future.

Thanks again!!

Best! ❤ ❤ ❤ xxx

Join Me in a National Day of Hope | #NAMIWalksYourWay Virtual Event

NAMIWalks THUMB revamp - 5.14.20

Join me on my Youtube channel on this date/time slot and we’ll have some fun!! See more information in this post down below! ❤ xxx Thumb revamped 5/14/2020


Hello and welcome back to my blog!!!

I have some exciting news to share with you all today, and I apologize for the fact that this post is coming at you guys a bit later than I had originally planned. I’ve been wanting to share this for over a week, but this past week has been tough for me mentally as I’ve been struggling with some ruthless depressive symptoms.

I’ve been sleeping A LOT more than usual (as opposed to last week where I was awake throughout the day, motivated a lot of the time, creativity was pouring out of me and I was interacting with other blogs and writing up a bunch of posts too) and have just been face to face with a lot of lack of motivation, lack of energy and lack of overall interest. Today and yesterday I’m beginning to come out of it, oscillating back and forth if nothing else, and I’m trying to make the most out of it in the best way I know how.

So, really, what I had to do was revamp this blog post! Something new, something fresh, something without old tied knots of forgotten wishes and dried up dreams, something that wasn’t attached to old feelings and past regrets, something refreshing and spontaneous mixed in with creativity and fun colors!

Thus, here we are. ❤

NAMIWalks THUMB 2 = 5.14.20

I am running my OWN TEAM that YOU can join here:

RecoverytoWellness Beacons Team Page

If you would like further information on who I am, what I’m about and more of my own story, you can check out my individual page here and donate either to my singular page or donate to the team page itself:

My Participant Page

Either way, ALL the money raised is going DIRECTLY to NAMI Massachusetts. I will get 0% of the money I gather, so just remember that! If you want to donate, please do, or if you can spread around the message, that works too. If you’d like to join my team, feel free to sign up, or if you’d rather join or donate to other people’s teams/pages, you can do that, too!

Ultimately, the NAMI Walks Your Way MA event is going virtual this year because of the state of the world and the pandemic which opens up the ways we can all participate in this national day of raising mental health awareness for the variety of conditions that encompasses by spreading hope, fun and light to topics society so very often wants us to hide and be ashamed of.

This is OUR DAY to make a difference, our day to celebrate each other and all of our successes, celebrate our triumphs and celebrate one another. I am very excited for it!

I still have yet to completely decide if I want to take up more of the day (Saturday May 30th 2020) for the event by calling off my work shift at Amaryllis or if I want to still attend work that day after the event (which is why I’ve tentatively named the event occurring for me between 11:00a and 1:30p EST).

That’s actually, probably, important:

This event is running from 11a – 1:30p EST

I will be doing a:

Youtube Live Stream on my channel (RecoverytoWellness)

on the day of the walk, to help spread mental health awareness, share my recovery story, ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS YOU HAVE, and share artwork that I will be creating during that time.

I am thinking I will do:

– Some origami (from watching tutorials on my iPod)

– Some painting/water coloring (new pieces or old, possibly)

– Some coloring

– Some creative writing or journaling if the Muse participates willingly

– Some photography or outside time (depending on the weather!)

– Some scrapbooking

– Beaded bracelets

– and possibly a little more!!

 

I NEED YOUR HELP!! THUMB 3 - 5.14.20

RecoveryRaquel is my Twitter handle; RecoverytoWellness is my WordPress and Youtube channel!

I would like for you to send me in some of your questions, ideas, topics or things you’d like to see me discuss! I can talk freely about my journey and what treatment has been like for me and why advocacy is such a big part of where I am, where I’ve been and where I’m going!

But first,

I need you to share this post! I need you to spread the word as LARGE and FAR as possible! Share on social media, donate even the smallest bit to my page for the NAMI Walk, interact with me, leave me your thoughts and questions, and be there with me during the support of the walk on Saturday, May 30th 2020 11:00a-1:30p EST!!

My personal page’s goal was to reach $175 and my team’s page goal is to reach $250, which we’re NEARLY there at so far being at $200. I put in some money towards the cause, myself, too. I will probably talk more about NAMI and how it’s supported me in my recovery, life and advocacy on the day of the walk, too. We are so close to reaching our goal and I KNOW we can do it!! If you donate at all, I will send you a personalized thank you message! Just leave me your contact info or email me at my public email address (which you can connect through my Contact page here on WordPress) or more simply at this email:

recoverytowellness@hotmail.com

All right, that is it for this post! If you have any further questions, comments or concerns, you know where to find me! Have an amazing May day and I hope to see you around again.

Thanks a bunch!!!!

❤ ❤ ❤ xxx

All thumbs in this post were made with the love and care of Canva. Thank you!! ❤

Faults of Stability….

Stability: it’s great, it’s awesome, it’s healthy, it’s wonderful, it’s beautiful, it’s breath-taking, it’s heart-warming, it’s cozy, it’s comfortable, it’s skillful, it’s busy, it’s artsy, it’s creative, it’s high self-esteem, it’s doing activities, it’s pro-active, it’s…stability.

Instability entering the sphere of stability: it’s sadness. it’s not being able to cry when I really, really want to. it’s avoidance. it’s pushing away thoughts, pushing away feelings, pushing away urges, pushing away things that will help, things that COULD help, people that could help, resources that could help, pushing away, away, away. Instability is keeping things to myself. Trying to get through it myself. Alone.

But it’s hard.

Being stable for so long has come with new challenges I never imagined I would face.

Here’s a list of them:

  1. I can’t reach out for help, not in the same ways I once did.
    1. I’ve learned the difference between inappropriate people and places and appropriate people and places within my recovery journey. This means that I cannot reach out to people online because it is an INAPPROPRIATE people/place. But this doesn’t stop other people from doing it. And this doesn’t stop me from seeing other people do it. So I have my judgments, judgments I am more and more often silent about and keeping to myself. The Internet is an inappropriate place because the people on it are NOT professionals, not guaranteed to reach out in a timely fashion (often I’m searching for immediate assistance so anything longer than a minute has my brain telling me bullshit), not guaranteed to be kind, not guaranteed to be helpful, not guaranteed to be what I NEED. This comes with extra issues:
    2. If I can’t reach out online, who can I reach out to?
    3. I don’t know because no one seems to be appropriate people or places. I can’t call a hotline without having memories of the past slap me in the face. Friends from my day program, Passages, are a no-go because they have their own issues and don’t need mine on top of them. I can’t reach out on Twitter because I’m supposed to keep up this image of stability and appropriate versus inappropriate behaviors and it’s a sliding slope that I know all too well. I could use a chat service but I’d rather talk to someone which leads me back to the first problem and then I judge myself for not being able to handle it myself, which makes me wonder what the hell I’m going to do soon when I’m no longer at program, when I’m in therapy regularly again, when I’m completely safe but dealing with a lot of tumultuousness and then I just don’t reach out to anyone except my Mom when she checks up on me and is worried and I BLAH it all out to her. This helps. But she’s not always going to be there. And then I’m faced with the same self-judgments and being stuck all over again.
  2. I’m 100% safe with all the urges, thoughts and emotions that would have led to behaviors in the past but currently are not.
    1. Which means I’m using my DBT skills, which is great, I’m just not aware of it or thinking of it as I’m doing them but it sucks because when they don’t go by in 15 minute intervals I start looking at days at a time of issues and other ways where I’m not using skills and am practicing more avoidance behaviors and prioritizing yet at the same time still maybe avoiding other larger tasks I need to do? I don’t know how it all works. It sucks. Big time.
    2. I’m safe but I don’t know what to do. Does this mean I can’t reach out for help? Do I need help? Or is this all a by-product of my brain? I hate this.
  3. I can’t go to the hospital.
    1. I mean, I could, but I wouldn’t be hospitalized. In avoiding my thoughts, I’m avoiding in some respects my urges and I know I WON’T act on them but then that’s another resource that I would have had in the past but can’t access now. So, another burned bridge, apparently.
  4. I don’t know where to draw the line: when do I need extra help and when can I handle it on my own?
    1. When does the issue become a larger issue that I need other people’s brains, eyes and help with and when does it become something I can self-regulate with and handle myself? I don’t know. I’ve not been in this terrain before. Being from SUCH a stable place but then facing instability within it. Not for longer than 20 minutes in a one day span. This has been multiple days, a week or so, and encroaching into a longer span of time. I honestly have no freakin clue what to do and I don’t know how to help myself. I just want to sit here and avoid and hell, I’m SITTING here which is a MAJOR step, even if I (haven’t):
      1. Showered
      2. Combed my hair (it’s all in knots)
      3. Brushed my teeth
      4. Reached out for help
      5. Gone to Passages
      6. Ate properly
      7. Overslept
      8. Used Youtube
      9. Avoided even going to the bathroom
      10. Laid in bed from 10a – 4:30p
      11. Didn’t go to work for P2P
      12. Shut my phone off to not receive ANY alerts
      13. Didn’t email anyone
      14. Didn’t get a call from program
      15. Trying to blog
      16. Trying to understand, cope… do something
      17. Trying to make next step plans for today, tomorrow, the week, etc.
      18. Thinking of going to the library
      19. Really wanting a glass of Mountain Dew
      20. Yeah
    2. I feel like there’s expectations that I’d need to know when to handle it myself and when to get support. I just don’t know where that line is drawn. When are the signs there that I need extra help? That I need to self-regulate? What are the signs? Because I don’t know them!
  5. I censor more than I would used to.
    1. I try to keep up appearances. When I’m not doing well, I go silent. I try to handle it and not tell anyone about it, because see previous issues. I try not to let anyone know about it, which is easier because online it’s not appropriate but even in real life I do it, too. So then it just builds and builds and builds and that’s just it, for right now. Also, that “used to” should it be “use to” or is “used to” okay? Ugh. This is what happens when I’m not in school anymore.
    2. The problem with going silent is that it impedes the fact that I have such a small audience (depending on the social media platform).
  6. I speak into The Void.
    1. There’s not many, sometimes not any, other people’s support or validation (I know I shouldn’t be relying on this either though) or perspective or help or comments or thoughts or suggestions for me to take into consideration. So I’m essentially speaking into The Void, it’s just myself echoing back. Which isn’t all bad (I want to do a future blog post about this, but when I’m back in stable mindset) because then I’m not developing unhealthy relationships and I CAN talk myself into helpful and healthy things myself because not everyone is going to be there all the time but I will be. So I have to help myself out. Maybe more than I do or am doing right now.
  7. I shut down.
    1. Like turning off my phone, not emailing, not telling anyone, just blogging here in my room with all my lights on that I never turned on myself, wanting a drink of soda and to eat something and to be off my period and be okay again. Kinda like waiting it out but being a little tiny bit more productive.
  8. I forget what it’s like to struggle.
    1. So I can’t relate when people are struggling more with their mental health condition. I’m just on such a different plane that I can’t empathize. And when I can empathize, because I am struggling, I hate it and resist it and refuse to acknowledge it.
  9. When I do struggle, I listen or crave old, sad, familiar songs.
    1. One More Light was definitely on my mind today, I think I would have cried if I heard it but I went with “Goodbye I’m Sorry” instead. Some mood music and some relatability there. It’s also nice without being AS nice as Kamikaze but still enjoyable in some ways. Odd ways, maybe.
  10. I struggle with different things.
      1. Nowadays it’s Internet consumption. Nowadays it’s pulling and picking. Nowadays it’s the fact that I can’t get myself over the blockade that is trying to read a book which is isolating, frustrating and seemingly impenetrable. So that sucks.
  11. I make sad lists.
    1. Like, this one.
    2. It reminds me of a venting session and I don’t know how healthy or unhealthy that is for me.
    3. I have vibes to write some fanfic
    4. I also want to color and listen to scary stories and figure out my own path.
  12. I get through it, one way or another, but always safely, now at least.
    1. I don’t know how or when or in what way exactly but I know this will pass. I think I can do this part now:

 

How am I going to get back to Stability:

  • I have to eat a meal. Properly.
  • I have to go to sleep early (not past 11p)
  • I have to spend some time at a library (it’s out of the house at least)
  • I have to post this
  • I have to shower
  • I have to change my outfit
  • I have to change my pad, seriously, not sorry.
  • I have to consider going to program tomorrow as a make-up day or figuring out some other exception
  • I have to attend my appointment tomorrow (psychiatry)
  • I have to read a book
  • I have to journal properly
  • I have to watercolor a coloring page
  • I have to watch a movie
  • I have to include enjoyable activities into my life again
  • I have to do what’s best for me in whatever way I think is going to be best for me
  • I have to speak up
  • I have to voice my concerns and my issues
  • I have to plan ahead with up to 3 alternative plans
  • I have to do opposite action
  • I have to reach out for support
  • I have to download new music
  • I have to film a video
  • I have to do something creative
  • I have to write a new chapter of fanfic (whichever one I choose)
  • I have to be honest
  • I have to listen to music
  • I have to help myself. For myself. Sometimes just myself.

 

And that’s where I go from here.

I’ll see you all on the other side. Thanks for reading.

❤ ❤ ❤