What’s to Come…

Sep. 2022

Well, hello there!

I know, I do, in fact, STILL exist.

It’s been such a long, long, long, lonnnnng time since I posted on my blog here on WordPress, let alone posted in general on most writing based sites (I’m looking at my fan fiction stories especially here) and it’s just been forever since I did a proper written up life update. But, that’s not really today’s post, either (or is it?).

I want and wanted to come on here to update you guys on what I plan to be posting from now til the end of this year, 2022. Also, sorry I never really followed up on May’s mental health awareness posts. I wound up shifting more towards focusing on my Youtube channel (which honestly, in general, I’ve been doing more of the last 2 years, too) and then Peer to Peer was taught by myself and another co-presenter and so that eliminated all other mental health related content I made in a timely fashion. But, that’s neither here nor there.

I just want to make a short list of what I plan to create and post in the near future and also explain how and why I’ve taken SUCH a break from writing.

So, as for the latter:

Work. I’ve been working at my current job, Althea, since close to 11 months ago. Most of my writing is being done there–mostly in creating groups and presenting them and interacting with them in that way with the patients (I’m working at an adult psych hospital setting) as well as the notes I have to do on each of my patient’s per shift so a lot of my doing of writing has been happening there. (I do want to do more content about this particularly on Youtube in the future, in case any of you would be interested in seeing that, too, it’ll go there.)

Writer’s block/Art block. This is the main one this summer and even more beyond that. For writing it’s definitely been impacted heavily by a strong presence of writer’s block but even more I’ll go into in the next point. Additionally, this past month of August I’ve been in a ridiculous video editing block that hasn’t happened in a long time but has now and I can’t quite shake it off completely yet, which is annoying. I’ll WANT to video edit but once I decide on a file and start, 30 seconds into the process and I’ve grown bored and uninterested in finishing the project. Ugh. It’s the WORST. This will go into an additional point after this next one:

Perfectionism. My perfectionism has gone to astronomical levels and it’s genuinely impacting my life in SEVERAL areas, most of which is online stuff but also way beyond that, too. I have to triple check, edit, curate and everything and it’s exhausting and I build tasks up too much in my own head that I get anxious, procrastinate, avoid and put off because I fear I cannot produce that “perfect” result. So, I just don’t–at all. It’s incredibly frustrating and isolating. Which, sucks. This is especially the case in creative writing when it comes to my fanfics. I have about 4 stories all in progress (like, I’m literally in the middle of 4 different stories’ chapters) but I’m caught between that whirlwind of writer’s block, just not making the TIME for it to write or read or immerse myself, to being incredibly eons behind in the MCU to begin with and just not able to make it perfect that I’m just stuck, overall. Pretty much. I should make more time for creative writing and fan fiction stuff, but alas, I’m also supposed to be reading more books… it’s, it’s a process. I’m working on it. I’m practicing challenging my perfectionism with imperfect action and it IS helping and working–just not QUITE fast enough from all the stuff I’ve been putting off and off and off. BUT I am making some progress!!!! Small steps are STILL steps.

Blocked off creatively. I haven’t really had the time or the energy of the time to set aside being creative. It feels like it’s not just as simple as “being creative” in the moment but rather something I have to fight through and find the energy to fight through and to string along a story and a plot and characters and all of that and that’s just… a lot of work. So I just haven’t. And time goes and goes and goes and, still, I’m left behind.

Memory issues. For instance, I forgot completely the next point I wanted to make after perfectionism (I’m not even sure the thing I put there was what my original thought was to begin with, grrr) and so my memory is just really shitty lately and if things are NOT in the front of my face or something in my direct line of vision, I WILL forget it. I forget I say things right after I’ve placed them into the vitriol of the air before me. It’s a mess. I don’t really have answers on it yet which goes into another point:

Life. There’s been a fair amount of different life experiences I’ve found myself in, in the past year. I started a romance, the romantic relationship ended suddenly; I’ve lost a friend and someone I thought I was going to spend my life with and the trauma that that all encompasses when things ended badly and intensely toxic/unhealthy. It still feels and IS like that I cannot speak completely on THAT subject matter because my ex still lingers on my socials. Which I could have a whole other rant about but I’ll save it for no context creativity. Then just starting a new job and residual pandemic stuff. Someone close to me nearly completing suicide last year and how I handled that trauma and how that was something I was wary of this year for my birthday (anniversary of that and all; but that was their stuff and not mine and not something I had to take on as my own issue, as my psychiatrist reframed for me!). Also, though, just more growth and healing too!

I’m hopeful that this time next year I’ll be in a new romantic relationship. I’ve done some great soul searching to get to this point where I AM welcoming love into my life again because I do want to spend my life with someone and I’ve been allowing myself to reignite some of those relationship dreams and the things I want to do with some other significant other in the future. Things like dream vacations or dates or relationship dreams, etc. I’ve also figured out more of my sexuality. And I’ve been working through some journals again and achieving some awesome accomplishments since whenever I last posted on this blog! Haha. I’ve learned and I’ve expanded and I feel good, overall, now. And that’s awesome. And that’s what I’m going to focus on.

 

So, basically, lots of different factors have been at play. It’s just made it harder or more constricted to be able to creatively write in the past year or so. But it does feel nice to do it again, right now, as I’m listening to music in the library haha.

 

So, the NEXT thing we should really focus on::

(I mean, in terms of journaling I’ve been able to write up some goals and bullet journal spreads so that’s been nice and fun, too! So some creativity in writing writing HAS been directed into that angle, huzzah)

WHAT do I have planned to post on here in the future??

  1. More film reviews (MCU and others). I might even challenge myself to do it OUT OF ORDER. I have Thor (2011), I have to do CA: TFA, maybe when I rewatch Thor Love and Thunder soon (I think it’s coming onto Disney+ in two days) and just tons of other movie reviews I have hidden or stored away
  2. Book reviews: I have the main one I’m working on and is in progress from over this summer. I have it all handwritten and then all of the back bone to it that’s in another tab on my browser so it is being worked on and everything, I just have to finish it, edit it, and then post it. But that’s Shutter. And then I’ll have to do the video book review (VBR). BUT ALSO other books, like this recent one I finished called “Self Care” and older reviews from over the years and everything to that effect
  3. More life updates. Self explanatory
  4. Integrating some of my other online content like Youtube and Insta onto my blog as well. And vice versa. Just to see me in another light and another way. 😀
  5. Awareness posts. Probably mental health related ones
  6. Tags and awards. I definitely want to bring those back
  7. Interacting with your posts or creative outlets, too!!! Maybe like shout-outs and such. That’d be fun!
  8. Stream of consciousness posts.
  9. And maybe other things that I used to do that I just can’t remember at the moment?

 

There’s definitely some new things I can do and some older things I USED to do that I can bring back! Oh, like song a day’s or cool shoutout posts to people’s artwork and such. I don’t know, fun stuff, overall, I think. I think maybe sharing my vision statements and stuff would be helpful and effective, too. Particularly as I’ve moved away from the main focus of my social media life in recent years so getting a fresh perspective and such on it would be necessary and interesting.

 

But for now, that’s all I’ve got. Which, I think is plenty. One more read through and I’ll be posting this! Thanks so much for coming along on these words and I hope that you’ve been okay and I can’t wait to see you or others soon!!! I want to go live on my Youtube again some time soon, so let’s hope for that!!! My mom is making sghetti tonight so I’mmmmmm excited. Hahhaa I am a bit hungry, so maybe I’ll shift to something else for a while (like reading a book!!) and get onto the next thing.

Thanks again! See you in the comments or on my other socials!! Sending light and love.

❤️💚💛🖤🖤💙🌻☀️☔🌈🌈

 

 

Details of the post:

Music: W.I.T.C.H by Devon Cole; Not my job anymore by Thomas Day

Location: Library backend at a table and by a cool and gray rainy window. Laptop on top of my rainbow pride tote bag. Public WiFi. Elbows a little sore haha

Writing trajectory: Started at about 5p, so a solid 1.5 hour work.

Sometimes Goodbye is the Most Liberating Part

As someone living with OCD and BPD, saying goodbye and letting go of things is really, really difficult.

But luckily I have amazing music by my side. I’ll be sprinkling that in throughout this post.

This post is also for me, more than for the Reader, but I’ll include some things that have helped me as I navigate this new road, a side street I didn’t realize I’d ever be taking, in my recovery and in my life. It’s too important not to talk about. And I’m tired of being silenced. I have a voice. And that matters.

No more walking on eggshells.

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

Featured song no. 1: “Second Chance” by Shinedown

This song popped into my mind when I readjusted the title for like the third time for this post. I was thinking of the “Sometimes Goodbye is…” and while I finished it differently, I had that lyric pop into my head and it took a moment to recognize what it was from (and honestly, Google did the rest) but yeah. It was helpful. For me, in this moment of my life, the Second Chance is not an actual second chance for how hurt I feel and why I feel that way. It’s more like, saying goodbye is a second chance…. Wait, that is the lyric right? Ooops. I guess, saying goodbye and putting something to rest is a second chance to just move forwards. I now know things I could have gone my life without knowing but it happened, it’s here. And now: what am I going to do about it? How am I going to curb my reaction to it and how am I going to heal and overcome this? I will also include some close hitting images of quotes I found online.

Honestly, finding other articles and blog posts and things (forums) where people have spoken about the hard things they’ve gone through (particularly with breakups, I’ll give you that) has really, really, really liberated me, validated me and made me feel seen. No one has the perfect recollection or experience similar to mine but maybe I just haven’t found it yet (instead of meaning no one out there has experienced it). And maybe I will one day. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe by that future date, it won’t even matter so much for me to have it or not. Not needing anything more than a goodbye–that’s liberating. It’s freedom. It’s peace. Is it always? Absolutely not. It won’t be. It’s painful. And life is that duality: life is beautiful and life is terrible. Even just finding this old thumb of mine, that I don’t remember making in ways, speaks to that side of me and speaks to the reality of the situation:

 

“After a breakup realize that you had a life BEFORE them and you can still have a life AFTER them. You just have to find yourself again” — Sonya Parker

 

A lot of what I’ve read on articles about breakups and forums and such talk about that: that the breakup happened, it’s there, it’s painful, it hurts, AND it’s the BEST time for you to grow, better yourself, overcome your faults and flaws (or at least have it be a work in progress), take the time to focus on you, practice self-care, put your needs first, give yourself self-compassion and self-forgiveness and self-love. You get the drift.

Another song:

No. 2 song selection (a true bop): “I Should Probably Go to Bed” by Dan + Shay

So, I naturally filmed a few videos today. If you haven’t seen any of mine lately, you may not know that I tested positive for COVID last week and was symptomatic. Luckily I’m doing a lot better but it was an experience for sure! I got VERY creative and was cranking out like 8 videos in one week. Ahahah I was VERY bored. So I filmed a few others today, especially surrounding what happened in my life, and three of those vids have NO CONTEXT whatsoever and are just me self-soothing to music on camera (filming myself when I’m unwell actually provides me a safe space to feel and cry and process out loud, and also, most importantly ensures my safety 100%) while poorly singing and just experiencing and letting go. So, this song popped into my head and it wasn’t in my CL;MA playlist but I added it so all is right in the world again lmao But for me, just the lyric “I should probably go to bed” and turn off my phone and just not engage is SOOOO, so accurate. It genuinely feels like a solid: I should quit while I’m ahead. I should probably be left alone. But I won’t call in the morning. I’ll say goodbye instead and move on.

There’s something nice about moving on, even when it’s really hard and doesn’t happen in NEAT little stages to check off the box each time it happens. Healing, it seems, isn’t linear. It’s a process. And I am healing. I’m back to square one, Ground Zero, but I’m healing. I have to remind myself:

It’s not March. It’s not snowing outside. I am safe. I am in control of my actions. I always have a choice. I am responsible for my own recovery. I can steer this ship safely back to shore–and also that that ship isn’t made to only be on shore, it’s meant to be out at sea, too. Which reminds me of the next song but, ultimately, I do have power here. I do have my feelings and my thoughts and my speech and being. And that is everything. I can wield (and arguably should wield) it more carefully, and I get to wield it. I get to get support for something that has wrecked me. Even if it’s a very complicated, unclear, creative and uncut way of getting support. It’s support. And creativity will be my saving grace. So although I can’t really say some things or everything, I just have to be okay with the story I do tell and be as truthful of where I am in that healing process and get help for it the best way I know how (and without dragging down or shooting out anyone else’s ship. I know that better now. It’s not worth it. I may not have intended for it, but it happened, and it’s way over my pay grade.)

Now, song 3:

Song No. 3: “Wrecked” by Imagine Dragons

I feel this song in about 40 different ways. Especially now. It’s a hard song but it holds so much beauty. So much pain. As life tends to do. I may not have lost something… yet I lost everything. At least, that’s how it felt. When everything happened in March, it was a crumbling. When everything that happened in July occurred, I genuinely felt like my world crashed down and crumbled all around me. There’s something ever so crushing about that–the world gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Until there’s nothing left. Nothing, at least, but darkness. And I don’t wish that on anyone.

I fucked up in some degrees, this is true. I don’t think, at least I’m baffled by it at the moment, that I deserved to be re-traumatized all over again and mentally placed back in Ground Zero after I had worked and put in the time and the effort to be okay. And it all got obliterated within a single moment and single action. And now it’s March to me and you can’t convince my brain otherwise–at least, I have the peripheral awareness that June DID happen and the more crises I had then happened so I really need to get to the roots of my DBT skills again. Move up appointments. Cope healthily. Cope … privately to then be able to cope publicly. There’s a lot of feelings there. A lot. Thanks, BPD. You’re great! 🥴🥴🥴

The pain definitely does come in waves. Time will heal as well. How am I supposed to move on? That’s true. My mind is a place I can’t escape your ghost, absolutely. Especially how I couldn’t fall asleep last night until 4AM and that was even AFTER I re-edited a video I panicked in deleting (and maybe shouldn’t have).

Brink of the edge: I definitely utilized the concept or metaphor or analogy this morning that it felt like I was standing on one leg on the ledge of a 300 foot tall mountain. And I was losing balance and about to tumble down the other side into the large river… but in reality it’s a 3 foot curb and I’ll panic for a moment, feel like the classic “I just almost died” and continue on with my day regardless. It’s that awkward flailing in public and then, pick up your confidence and carry on like that totally didn’t just happen. And, in some ways, it having happened… doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything else beyond that point in time. You can still move on. You can still say goodbye. You can still cope and heal and overcome. It won’t be easy, and it is possible.

I really want to cover more on this subject in a future video: Ending relationships in recovery. Particularly what helped me, how things affected me, the feelings or thoughts that came up, the articles or videos or content that helped me specifically and ways to maybe question or navigate the process through and through. Anyone interested? It’ll take a while, of course. Naturally. Okay, next song.

Song No. 4: “Flowers” by Lauren Spencer Smith

This is a new song that I’ve recently found and have completely and utterly fallen in love with. I’ve listened to it a lot and I really, really enjoy it. It transcends above my current situation but it helps so much and I love Lauren’s voice and her storytelling and what she did creating this piece and processing it out loud, too. Her official music video for it is a MUST see too. My facial recognition is awful so I didn’t even realize it was the same girl in two different relationships (I was very confused) but I have it all figured out now! I also love that final line because it’s so true: If it’s hurting you (in whatever way that might be; things can be healthy and then be unhealthy, etc.) then you should leave and go and get some help. It’s larger than you and your experience and it’s okay and important for you to understand that trauma, heal and move on and go forwards. It’s a beautiful song. I’d also really recommend her song that precedes this, “Fingers Crossed.”

“Who are you to tell me I can’t be heartbroken? Babe, you had the chance, the door for you was open. If it’s what you need to tell yourself to sleep at night, pretend I haven’t found [someone else] who treats me right” >> I love and adore the power behind this. No one deserves to tell you how you can or can’t grieve (even me!). How you can or can’t cope. And especially not if they are saying one thing and then contradict that three seconds later. Everyone processes differently. Some people write songs, some people make videos, some people express their pain, some others bottle it up. Of course there are healthy and unhealthy ways of expressing those needs. If someone is hurt, like how I’m hurt, it blinds them a bit. I’ve been blinded by the pain of my loss and thus I have done some things that were hurtful. And I messed up on that front. A good part of that was my hurt, and I think, at least right now, that I should be able to express that and get some support around that. I’m not blasting names, I’m not blasting socials. It’s carefully construed. I’ve made a new narrative that the reality doesn’t mesh with, and it’s how I chose to speak about it. Could I have done better? Absolutely. I messed up in some parts. I’ll focus now more on my own stuff. It’s just complicated and hard and I haven’t been able to find ways or advice or articles about how to navigate such a particular situation, so it’s hard to know what’s right and what’s wrong and what some people can or will or should know about it all and what is better left unsaid and who it’s and is NOT directed at as the audience involved. I’m tired of being on eggshells and being afraid. I’ll own my part and what I’ve done and find more creative ways of engaging with the material, so to speak. I can feel my pain and express my pain, I just need to find healthier ways of doing that. Focusing on what helps and talking about it and processing it is what I do. I don’t deserve or need to suffer in silence. I can be hurt and heartbroken and shifting into what I need moving forwards (think pro-recovery skills). Again, no names, no direct links. Just expression. And that will be happening in more stories of creativity (meaning original works of short stories and poems, in comments, in my fanfics etc).

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together” — Unknown

Sometimes there is no closure. I had that with Luna, too. I had it with another friend that I fell off with. Actually, probably more than one. Sometimes certain relationships don’t have clear goodbyes. Whether it’s friends, family, strangers, online relationships, partners, viewers and readers, etc. Sometimes there’s not closure. And maybe not all closure is earned, either. Maybe it’s not even a requirement to fully process and move forwards. So, sometimes, just stop chasing it. It’s okay to not have it, too. If it hurts more than it ever did or did before or doesn’t help right now, drop it, don’t let that rip into you. Let it go. Move on. No contact. Take them out of your life. Do what you need to do to move forwards. Again, sometimes goodbye is goodbye. It can be the kindest, sweetest and most necessary thing to leave something that wasn’t healthy: say goodbye, let go and move on. You don’t owe anyone anything else. You don’t have to hear the closure. Sometimes no closure IS closure.

Sometimes you’re better off without it. Especially if it hurts.

One last song:

I lied, two more.

I lied again, one more.

Song No. 5: “Remember That Night” by Sara Kays

I’ve loved this song for ages. For a solid year or so. At least. It became something I leaned on when issues with Fai arose last Sep. It became something I leaned on when my first breakup happened. It became something so much more. I love the shared timeline and I can absolutely feel that and relate to it in a whole new level now. I listened to this all last night and it’s so true–I had made progress being 3 months no contact and then it was all obliterated–all that work, all that healing, all that more hopeful and promising emotions, the wanting again different things or to say positive things–just vanished suddenly and completely and I couldn’t do anything to get it back, to get back that healing, to not be in March in my mind all over again. It’s awful. And I am having to relearn again that it’s not March, it’s July; it’s a new setback, it’s a continued loss (or is it a fresh new loss too? Can it be both?); it’s an ending, a full on ending. It’s out of my hands. And soon, I hope, it will be out of my mind and then out of my soul. Again, this time to improve myself and work on my things will be crucial. I never got to month four and five to live my life and not think of them but I guess from this new starting point to that future date, it should help a bit.

So, that’s all the things I’m going to say tonight.

 

There is one last quote I want to share and then one article that helped:

“I had a lot of reasons to give up on you. But I still chose to stay. You had a lot of reasons to stay. But you chose to give up” — Anonymous

Obviously there are many, many, many stories to tell or explanations or experiences.

But I won’t tell them. Only my parts. Only my feelings. It’s a one sided representation but this online social media is mine and only mine. It only makes sense and is more responsible of me to only share that happenings, those goings-ons. So no more speculation. Still cautious sharing; maybe that will get easier, too. I think I am still walking on eggshells. I hate that I am. But maybe that’s only for right now.

It’s complicated. And it’s over.

(In some ways and in other ways it continues on painfully until one day it’s just a faded scar and nothing more. I crave that day soon. I know I have to put in all the work first though. Sigh. You can’t rush healing!) 

 

And now, now I think I can breathe again. With knowing that the war is over, the battle had its bloodshed, it wasn’t easy or nice or cute, but it’s over. The dawn is coming and the darkness will fade. This, too, shall pass. And there can be rebirth. Growth. Change. Health.

And maybe, that makes all the difference this time.

 

I can cope. I can heal. I can overcome. I will overcome. I will take it one step at a time.

Until another post, friends. Take care of yourselves.

Also the article, I haven’t fully finished reading it but here it is: (and some things don’t apply but I just dismiss those parts of course) Is my ex looking for a reaction from me

🖤🖤💔💔💔

PS Stay tuned for an honorable mention future post like this one again for “Unsung Hero (Smeagol’s Song)” by Tiffany Gray because that song legitimately SAVED ME so many times and I feel SO safe whenever I listen to it. 💙💜💚

Soon to Come… (Apr. 2022)

What’s in store coming this month on RecoverytoWellness??

Journaling THUMB

Let’s seeeeeeee….

  1. “Slow” Book Exploration Station (A BIG UN REVIEW POST)
  2. “Thor” MCU Film Review
  3. Ersatz daily word prompt from Apr. 6th that I really, really want to do but haven’t fully yet (and it would have been today’s post but alas, time…. SO this weekend instead wheeee)
  4. Two or three other word prompts
  5. A life update
  6. Posts about my fanfic/current projects/Youtube videos etc
  7. A post about the NAMI Walk this year (virtual and in person mix)
  8. Gearing up for a mental health awareness motivation month (May) posts
  9. Some fun tags from over the years
  10. Maybe another book review or two
  11. Something else-anything else that pops into my mind and that I can make a blog post out of buahahhaa

Annnnnd that’s all I got. SIMPLE POST BECAUSE FUCK PERFECTIONISM.

That is all.

Go check out my Youtube channel where I’ve been posting extraordinarily soooo. Also let’s hope and dream and plan for more book content in the future.

sending light and love.

💚💚🌈🌈🌻🌸

PS Spring photography ideas? New photo concepts, ideas and whatchamacallit’s? Yesss. Probs vids to come in the future regarding this too!!

Follow my Insta for more posts (same username)

XX

Questioning: When Are Support Groups Helpful vs Harmful?

Let me just say this right from the get go:

I don’t have the answer to this question yet. I’m still trying to figure it out and it’s going kind of rough. A few of the pros and cons I have done over the course of time have been inconclusive: running into the problem of how to quantify and numerically decode when my cons are as long as my pros and whether I should be identifying percentages towards either of them. It’s…. complicated. So, I don’t know the answer yet myself. It’s tricky and difficult.

Secondly, here are some of my boundaries (as I’m finding and being taught that they will have to be more consistent in me reiterating them each and every time I can):

  1. I am not a crisis service, mental health professional or expert in mental health. I like to say I’m an “expert only in my own lived experiences” but I don’t have any licenses or degrees besides a BS in psychology. (I do have some trainings though but nothing like a master’s or PhD.) Basically, I’m not an appropriate person or place for others to reveal crisis information or to get direct professional help from. Of course, if you feel that you’re a danger to yourself and it’s between telling me or no one, I’d rather you tell me, because I will not keep safety information private and will instead link you towards local or national resources or call emergency services etc. So, if you come to me for help, I can get you to the appropriate resources, and you can get help in an indirect way, but either way I’ll point you to where you need to go and practice my own self-care to maintain my own health, wellness and stability.
  2. What can I offer? I can offer peer support in the sense of being non-judgmental, pro-recovery, positivity, hope, what’s helped me and worked for me, providing inspiration (I hope!), the skills or treatments that were most life-changing for me, “I” statements (sometimes I use “we” as well though, I try to limit the “you” statements as much as I can) and empathy, kindness, validation, healthy coping strategies, problem-solving and compassion. Again, if it’s an issue regarding safety, I will do everything in my power to get you the resources and help you need and deserve, and will NOT keep matters regarding safety confidential. I, of course, would prefer to not be in that situation, but if it happens, I know where I can go for help to help you, if that makes sense.
  3. Please do not discuss specific methods of suicidality or self-harm with me. In regards to eating disorders (EDs), please do not discuss specific numerical measurements like weights, calories, and unhealthy behaviors (like tools used for purging or things to that effect). For self-harm you can specify the type of self-harm, for instance I’ll say things like scratching or skin picking, but don’t go into what you use to hurt yourself, how to hurt one’s self, etc. That’s just unhelpful information and unnecessary. (As an example: If you want to say you were thinking about “standing on a ledge” that’s enough general information for me to picture what you mean. If you were to say “heights” that’s a little more specific and not helpful. And if you were to say “this specific building on 34th street at this time etc.” that’s WAY too specific and a more appropriate conversation with a crisis line, a mental health professional, etc. The less specific you can be the better. Think of the too specifics being unhealthy or inappropriate people and places for that information. Essentially, you’ll have to be a little more creative to abide by this boundary of mine.) I also as of July 2021 don’t wish for my space on the Internet to be a how to guide for hurting one’s self, because the Internet is already so much a place of that. This is to keep myself safe, keep you safe and keep others safe as well. So, please respect this as best as you can. If you mess up here and there, that’s okay, but continued misuse will result in me speaking to you directly or blocking you if need be or moderating comments, etc. Whatever is in my power, I will pursue. Thank youuuu for your cooperation!!
  4. I am unavailable for support/guidance between the hours of 10p EST and 9am EST. I am also unavailable the days that I work at Amaryllis which is currently Sat and Sun mornings.
  5. If you happen to have known me before 2018 or in 2018, I would rather you didn’t compare how “bad” things were for me in my life then COMPARED to how well things are for me now. The reasoning for this is because when people compare how “bad” things were for me, I know it’s supposed to make me feel proud of how far I’ve come, however, it has the opposite effect. Instead, my brain makes me think that it was “oh so great” back then and wants me to go back to those very dark times. So, it’s unhelpful. Thanks!!
  6. As for confidentiality, unless broken in the case of safety concerns, I won’t repeat back specific information regarding your identity or who you are with others. If anything, I’d make a pseudonym for you and discuss matters of our conversation, not verbatim, with people like my partner, my Mom, my therapist/psychiatrist, or change certain details of who you are and focus more on how I’m handling or struggling with the information you’ve shared with me. For instance, if I felt dysregulated, I’d discuss what led to that dysregulation but keep my focus on how I can problem solve it and work through it going forwards.
  7. As for what you can share about me with others, I’m okay with a changed name (pseudonym/pronouns) or keeping my name (Raquel) the same. Of course, please don’t doxx me but if you want to share my age, my first name, my experiences, etc. then that’s totally fine by me. I do use she/her pronouns just in case anyone was wondering that! Thanks!! 🤗🙂😘


Honestly, I think that’s about all I’ve got!

Which is definitely, definitely plenty it feels ahaha. For those wondering after all of that, regarding this post:

Trigger Warning: Discussion of self-harm, past suicidal ideation, BPD, depression and OCD.

So, what DID I want to talk about in this piece?

Honestly it’s been SUCH a long time since I’ve blogged. Like, far, far too long. And I wasn’t even necessarily going to do this post but it was definitely gnawing at me and I realized I had enough to say and think and do with this information (I’m between journals at the moment, my routine is severely off lately) than to just keep it to myself with no one else to know about it for weeks.

So, here I am!

Let’s regroup for a moment, shall we?

The question I have for creating this post:

When are Support Groups Helpful vs Harmful?

So let’s talk about some context first.

I started going to an OCD support group for the first time ever in fall 2015 when I spent 5 weeks at the OCD-Institute at Belmont MA. It was not a locked unit and it was actually pretty enjoyable for a treatment type of thing. I live, if you don’t know, with OCD on self-harm and suicide obsessions (not genuine intent; though I do also live with depression, BPD, trichotillomania (hair pulling), dermatillomania (skin picking) and essentially intrusive thoughts of hurting myself and genuine thoughts of hurting myself, though I’m much, much better as of now in 2021!!!). I was diagnosed with OCD by my university’s Counseling Center in fall 2014 for further context. I also had an OCD specialized therapist from about spring 2015 – winter 2016.

I’ve had lots of different treatments over the years since 2014: ERP, CBT, DBT, medications, individual therapy, hospitalizations, OCD-I, ECT, group therapy, short term and long term day programs, family therapy etc.

I’ve also been a prominent mental health advocate since spring 2016 to now, both online and offline. Advocacy is the central part of me and who I am, I think, though I’ve become more recovery based over the last three years, I’d say. To me, advocacy is sharing my story with lived experiences in the field of mental health conditions and sharing what’s helped me most and how I handle myself and my situations. For me, it’s overcoming adversity and getting a leg up over the bullshit my brain comes up with on a daily basis. I am VERY open about my struggles, or at least in the past I certainly was, probably a little too much let’s be honest but yeah, I am open and I talk about them and nowadays I like to focus more on what I can DO about them but overall talking and sharing my story has been an integral part of finding meaning and purpose in my life. (If you’ve been with me since the beginning or if you ever plow through some of my Archived posts, you’ll also see I was an advocate while at university as well, sharing my recovery and my journey through it via newspaper articles, something I’m finding in the last year with this pandemic that I miss and wish I could get back into in some way, even if it’s differently.)

I’ve only ever been to OCD support groups over the course of my treatment. I’ve never been to a DBSA group or a NAMI based group either (NAMI being the National Alliance on Mental Illness where I do my advocacy work from).

I started going pretty regularly to the Belmont support group while I was at the OCD-I until about fall of 2017, if I had to guess.

In 2018 I don’t think I really went at all, maybe once or twice over the course of the year?

2019, I think I went a couple of times. I was at my long term day program Passages which was giving me PLENTY of mental health topics and surroundings that I didn’t need something like a support group to go to (same as well for the blogosphere.)

2020, the pandemic hit and by June I was definitely starting to return to more of them. Naturally, all the support groups went virtual on Zoom and I started to attend ones like Cambridge and eventually Worcester alongside the Belmont here and there.

Now is when we get to the meat of this post (or, with the gif added above, the slicing of the cake portion of things). I’ve been going to support groups decently regularly over the last year and I’m no closer to answering this big, big question I’ve surrounded this blog post about. Which is super frustrating–and exactly the emotion I feel when I’m at a support group.

It’s so frustrating.

I honestly don’t know what I live with mental health conditions-wise anymore. I mean, for YEARS, I’ve blamed it on OCD but the more I’m at these support groups, the more I realize what I’m “defining” as OCD may NOT be that at all. And then of course, though, me trying to figure out if it IS OCD, is OCD itself. Trying to find that certainty and conclusion and all.

Personally, I definitely view knowledge as power. And I know that the purpose of diagnostics is to guide treatment and for insurance purposes. So it frustrates me to no end that I can’t pinpoint or understand if what I am feeling and dealing with is even this big bad OCD monster I’ve always said it is but may not actually be all along. Then of course, WHAT AM I dealing with if it’s NOT OCD? Oooof.

To me, I blame these things on OCD, what I’ve identified as OCD and what’s consistent up until today:

And if you don’t know anything about OCD and have somehow found this post, OCD obsessions are the persistent and intrusive thoughts regarding whatever topic that gives the survivor distress. It questions and is often called the doubting disease because it makes a person wonder and question if they’re truly wanting to act on a thought or that they might lose control just by having the thought even if they do not want to act on it, etc. So, there’s all sorts of OCD topics out there, as long as it gives the survivor distress, it will cling to it tightly. For instance, moral questioning like if you’re a good person; harm OCD if you have thoughts of hurting others or yourself; contamination; having to count or check things (mentally or physically); did I just run over someone while I was driving? etc.

Compulsions are the behavioral or mental things a survivor does to cancel out, however momentary and temporary the relief is, the distress or anxiety that they are feeling. So, if it was a contamination thing, maybe one compulsion could be hand washing; or if it was a car thing, going back to check to see if there was any evidence for having run someone or something over; or for harm OCD to others, checking that all the eating utensils are still there or checking memories for any indication you’d want that person harmed etc.

Here’s what I’ve always blamed OCD on that might not even BE OCD but that I can’t find is anything else either (and the act of trying to figure it out is OCD in disguise, as it were, so I’m kinda fucked lmao 😂😅🙄😶) ((I’ll start with the classics from years ago and go more into later years/current struggles))

  • Intrusive comments/loop tapes; for me in the beginning it was hearing my brain say “Kill Yourself” or “You should just kill yourself” on repeat for hours at a time.
  • More currently, and I haven’t had a new phrase in over 4+ years, but now it’s “Just do it” in terms of acting on an intrusive image of harm, so, gee, thanks OCD! Ugh. ((I will say it’s a little alarming that in the last month the OCD has come up with and attached itself to a brand new phrase, and so maybe that is some of the anxiety? I don’t know.))
  • Memory checking for any intention to act on the thoughts (way back in the beginning).
  • Now it’s more of the thought action fusion involved so like when I have an intrusive image of harm it’s increasingly more difficult, whenever I am struggling (which isn’t as often, let’s be clear) for me to separate the fact that what is happening inside my HEAD is NOT happening truly in reality. It’s probably as close to hallucinating as I can get. It’s just so hard to center myself and remember that it’s not actually happening
  • Also, trauma memories. I’ve only experienced trauma at the hands of my mental health conditions and what feels like a crisis where there’s a lot of trauma memories in truth is really just OCD and intrusive images of things that I’ve NEVER truly acted on. Trauma memories definitely come up the most often in support groups I find. I went to one last night and there was talk of police officers and all my encounters with them in the past was something I got sidetracked by
  • Avoidance: and this is a behavioral pattern I am STILL struggling with today and have for years and years. In terms of OCD I’ll avoid things like certain places with ledges or certain drives home etc. I’ll avoid my feelings most often by over-distracting with content etc. I’ll avoid, potentially, with support groups. I’m rarely ever in the actual moment, I’m usually doing other things like playing with thinking putty or having music going etc. I honestly don’t know the difference between when is it avoiding and when is it self-soothing. Because when I’m spoken about self-soothing in therapy, my therapist thinks it’s actually avoidance. So, I have no idea on this tactic that’s for sure
  • I don’t, this isn’t really OCD but it kind of is, like to admit when I’m anxious. Anxiety is just an emotion for me that I HATE to admit when I am, so instead of noticing my bodily cues, I just plow forwards until I’m behaviorally acting on the anxiety so like hair pulling or skin picking. It’s something I really have to continue working on. Gwah For skin picking itself it’s definitely an inconsistency feeling on the skin that gets me to start going at it. Bleh
  • Reassurance seeking: A BIG one, from the beginning to now, I’ll wonder if these ‘thought commands’ (Just do it) is really OCD or if it’s something else like psychosis and then I’m researching it and uncovering, AHA it’s OCD in disguise!! So yeah, even reassurance seeking with validation from others and such. Ooof.
  • Rumination: fixating on the OCD, talking about the OCD, thinking about the OCD etc. Wanting to think of old memories, old habits, old behaviors, old stuff. Spending hours and hours doing so (luckily I stop this a lot better now over the last 3 years)
  • Glorification of harm and death. This is the biggest one. My brain likes to be like “Oh hey, you know this [suicide] plan? That would be awessssssome. We should totally go do that. It’ll be so relieving and so much fun. It’ll be great. Let’s go do that.” etc. It’s like this “oh so magical and sparkly thing will be so great and wonderful, you’re missing out on experiencing it by not doing it, etc.” It’s also like this “it would be so ironic/poetic/symbolic thing” or “it’s your destiny to die this way”.
  • Alongside this is the glorification of near death experiences in particular. There’s something so tantalizing to me about a near death experience. Or actual death then coming back to life. And definitely the case if there are NO ill physical effects from it. I remember someone at Passages said there IS a name for this that people with substance use disorders can relate to but I can’t remember or they also couldn’t remember what the word was so I’ve never known
  • Fixation continued: thinking of the OCD and harm, taking up more and more of my time etc. Again, hasn’t happened in ages luckily. If it came out in artwork that was also a compulsion too. I think I’m better at this but honestly I’m not sure.
  • Little things that might become problems: rereading a book, is this OCD or is this me genuinely not paying attention while I read? etc. And the stubbornness that arises when I refuse to let my brain win over me not reading a book etc (I love books so much). Doing certain things in matters of three, so like three heart emoticons etc. Keeping things like price tags for a bit or lots of hand sanitizers, is it hoarding? Eh. Maybe not.
  • Distress: I really can only relate to the distress that these OCD or “OCD” things cause. If it is anxiety, and I’m sure some of it is, I refuse to acknowledge it. But so many more people have the anxiety as the prime and only emotion involved and I just can’t relate.

So, I mean, I hope that all makes sense.

The big thing I’m uncovering in these OCD Support groups I have been returning to is they are immensely triggering for me. And I wonder, is this a trigger that’s healthy (like an ERP opportunity) or is it risking my stability unnecessarily? A question to which I STILL cannot begin to answer, aggravatingly enough.

The biggest thing I’ve been trying on my own, without an OCD specialized therapist (and with little indication I’ll get one any time soon) is that I’m taking some charge in some ERPs myself, I’ve started a new video series on my Youtube channel called “Trudging Through Trauma” where I’ll use an ERP exposure during the filming process and another in the video editing process. I’d like to talk about some of my trauma experiences and name them and think them over and then do the opposite of them, so with the OCD I’d want to fixate and be consumed by them, when in reality I’ll just go self soothe or do something else for a bit etc. I don’t know, it could be self-exploitative I suppose but yeah, and I obviously wouldn’t go into unnecessary detail but for my own head it’d be there, I just wouldn’t vocalize it officially.

My Mom was also suggesting we do ERPs together too. Having someone be there could be safety ensuring and all. So I have that to mull over.

But overall, why I wanted to make this post is for this reason:

When is it helpful and when is it harmful? When is focusing on it vs distracting from it an exposure or just unhealthy?

Another thing, there’s no professional support or, as far as I know, guidance or trainings involved and that makes me wonder two things:

When is peer support bordering on playing therapist? and

What qualifications, if any, are expected in these group settings?

Now, specifically, I have my friend Gretchen (naturally not their true identity of course 💜). I’ve known Gretchen for, well, since the beginning of my support groups history. Gretchen has some … good and kind intentions but none of the boundaries in place to achieve them. Gretchen tends to bite off far more than she can chew.

And I never really mention in support groups my history with mental health advocacy (something I’ve decided to change actually going forwards, if for however long I may still attend them) but something that really bothered me in yesterday’s support group was this ongoing pressure or resistance to talking openly about the struggles with OCD with non-OCD individuals.

Personally, this just rubbed me in all the wrong ways. Like, is it supposed to be shameful? Should we really be encouraging the beginning types of co-dependency? Should it really be US vs THEM?

Also, what do we do about the pissing contests of whose experiences are worse? And what about how draining and depressing they can be on top of that? It just makes me wonder–at what point is ‘teaching’ skills or ‘experimenting with ideas’ playing therapist and overstepping what peer support is about? Should there be someone, a professional, around to navigate the waters of these groups better? Because it makes me wonder for sure….

Also sometimes they end on such depressing or retraumatizing states that it’s bewildering.

The other thing I struggle with is the line between reigniting my old behavioral pathways (getting attention for unhealthy purposes; i.e. holding a crisis session) and focusing on who I am today and getting help in the most helpful and healthy way today than/as opposed to how I once received it. Which means I’m really just a lot more guarded now and less likely to open up and be honest upfront. It’s very confusing.

(My apologies for how direct of an attack there is on Gretchen down below; she really does mean well. She has the best intentions in mind. Her boundaries and adhering to them is just troublesome.)

Overall, there’s just some things that Gretchen has done or said that makes me feel super uncomfortable, mainly breaking my boundaries, not intentionally but pretty often as is. I wonder if it’s possible to get a professional to sit in on a support group or two and see what their assessment is of the matter. Maybe that’s something worth exploring. I feel like Gretchen needs to (as horrible as this phrasing is) get her shit together to figure out what she can reasonably offer and when she’s overstepping. Like, Gretchen, you’re awesome, you’re great, a little less pissing contest would be best though. I get it was to be empathetic and ‘I’ve been there too’ but a minute of that would have sufficed, not fifteen. (And of course I’m going to be bringing this up to Gretchen herself too, because she’s the only person who can change these behaviors or be aware of them and adjust from there. I’m really not mad at her, I guess I just feel frustrated in general with where I sit on support groups and I REALLY want to be done with this blog post, it’s been sooo long)

My partner did suggest that maybe I’ve outgrown support groups as well. Which, could be very valid and true. They asked if there were different groups for OCD support for different stages of recovery, which I’m not sure exists, but is definitely worth looking into.

Well, I’m done complaining and typing and talking now. My wrists hurt, my words are being misspelled and I’m tired. I’ve been at this for almost two hours. That’s… exhausting.

So what do you think? After all this has been said, what do you think? Do my thoughts and experiences sound like maybe I should take a break from the support groups for a while and do some extra soul searching or could they be okay for me to attend and experiment more with in the future?

I’d love to know what you guys think. If you have the time and willingness to offer it to me. 💚💛🤍😁😙

Now I just have to go back and reread this post, edit and then upload. Maybe add another gif or two.

Thank you soooo much for reading. I hope something out of all of this was helpful or interesting or captivating if possible. I feel a strange crux between relief and unfinished. But, I’m going to go eat lunch and get ready to visit a phone store today, hopeful that I can get upgraded soon. So yeah. Maybe I’ll actually try to read that book of mine too. I was going to before I decided to do this post ahaha. Any who, more to come soon.

Let me know if you got this far with a cookie emoticon.

Thanks so much. xxx

Stay safe everybody!!!

🍪🍪🍪💜💜🌈🌞🌊☔

Just a Temporary Post

Hi hi!

Besides being sweaty right now and feeling far too hot, I’m doing rather well! I have to go brush my teeth because I just ate some mini Heath bars and they are soooo sugary, gwah!!

I’m jumping on here just to make a super quick, fast post and then I’m gonna challenge myself to take just 20 mins to read a book, my current graphic novel I’m calling IYF because that’s the abbreviations of its name, and then I’m going to go to bed and fall asleep. I’ll probably have to take a melatonin to help with sleep because I didn’t last night and didn’t fall asleep until 1a!! 😱😨 I napped for only an hour or so today which, hell, I’ll take.

Gah, so hot. Tomorrow I really want to spend some time blogging a more standard post, edit a couple of videos, upload a video and film one for what will later be released next Tuesday. I also want to read for a couple of hours or at least one and shave my legs and take another shower. I also want to do the dishes as a chore and maybe go out and shop a little tiny bit. I also want to continue to answer my social media and phone texting messages, as that’s important to me and either engage in some adult coloring, creative writing fanfics version or even some work based creative writing and preparing for the weekend ahead with work. (Leadership, leading routine and things to that effect)

I am taking up a morning shift on Wed next week so that should be interesting. It’ll only be two kids plus it’s a school day so it shouldn’t be too bad and if anything probably uneventful. It will be interesting to see how it’s run (first shift) on a school day and I’ll get to work with someone I’ve only met before in trainings so that’s nice.

But yeah, my dating friend is back home now and we spoke today so that was lovely! I also watched Station 19 and Grey’s Anatomy tonight, hooray. Well, I should go. I need a fan like DESPERATELY. Ahaha I got like EIGHT bug bites last night when I forgo my shirt sooooo that was FUN to wake up to this morning, haaah, not.

Any who, I hope you guys are well. I will be shutting down my laptop for the day and getting on top of a few other things soon after.

May we all sleep well and keep on creating and making fun things that this life has to offer!

Stay safe!!

xxx

💜💚💛

One of Those Days | #ItsOkayToBeUnproductive


Hi,

So I realized I could make a last minute blog post today since it’s still Mon, even if it’s closer to 11p EST. So, here I am.

Today was an odd day. Off, mostly.

I struggled to wake up today and didn’t really get up until about noon. I also fell asleep last night by about 11p. I really had to pry my eyes open multiple times in the morning, but they never really wanted to be. By 2p I was drifting into sleepy states again while I was watching some Youtube videos. I finally got myself up to watch over and re-classify some old videos footage but I didn’t feel up to video editing, not really. I also thought about and was planning on appropriately answering messages online (a blog comment, a Youtube comment, an email, etc.) but I just couldn’t get myself together to do so.

It just felt insurmountable and exhausting, you know?

So I resorted to what I normally do and started looking at some videos on Youtube on my laptop.

I then searched for Athena’s stuff and watched some videos about her, her life and current happenings and did that guiltily for the next couple of hours, so that sucked.

I definitely could have used that time to either:

  • read a book
  • edit a video
  • spend time offline
  • watch Thor
  • write fan fiction
  • color or make art
  • film a video
  • listen to music
  • answer messages or challenge myself to answer with a starting sentence (breaking it down)

You get the idea. *insert a grim smiling emoticon here*

But I didn’t really do any of the above and just wallowed and got swallowed up. Luckily I wasn’t pulling too much so that’s a silver lining to the day.

I did find myself enthralled and shocked while watching near death experiences videos during dinner (a lovely meal my Mom made, thank goodness) and then was very into and captivated by tsunami videos–normally if I were watching like an angry people compilation, I’ll revert inwards and retreat via self-soothing techniques which pretty much always means I’ll be hair pulling–but I didn’t do that with the tsunami videos so I think I may have found something so horrific and fascinating to watch that will deter me from pulling when I have those urges, so, er, that’s interesting?

I was particularly intrigued by the information on whirlpools and then the miraculous event where no one was killed in the 1980 whirlpool incident with the salt and oil mining company (I can link a video at the bottom, actually, no, I’ll just do it here):

So, that was something.

I was doing that by about 9p and by 10p I was watching other little videos here and there. I managed to brush my teeth for the day, and the night, let’s be honest, and also just take care of some other bodily care things–like my meds! I didn’t take them all day but I finally got myself to do so so that’s good at least.

Now I’m just winding down with email alerts, music and writing this post. It occurred to me when I decided I could answer one last message before bed that I could write a little something here, even if it’s not all that much. For anyone who has been reading, thank you immensely, and I hope this post serves as a type of an update and just a ‘Hey, how are you?’ post from me. 🙂

But yeah, I’ll be off to address that one Youtube comment and pack up for the night. I honestly never filled out my planner for the weekend so I have to pencil that in right now. And then I’ll be listening to some creepy stories for sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep. I look forward to it.

Also, my schedule at work may be changing soon but that’s a discussion for another day. I’m gonna probably brainstorm some of the posts I still want to achieve for this month tomorrow, so that should be fun. Some fun ones and ones taking a bit more work and all that jazz.

Here’s hoping tomorrow will shape up to be a better and more productive day (and I have to remind myself that these ‘less productive/unproductive’ days are okay to have sometimes too!!!).

Until then, my friends.

Sending light. ❤ xxx

When the Writing Vibes Strike | Fanfic Work

Hi hi,

Short post!!

I am:

  • In the process of finishing watching the Thor movie, I have about 55 mins left and it already took me about 2 hours because I kept pausing every few seconds to write down notes on Loki for later regurgitation in my review ahaha
  • I watched Station 19 & Grey’s Anatomy last night, hooray!! Emotional but hooray. 🙂
  • I have continued the rereading process of my fanfic CeC but today I decided to reread and print TAaBBT and then I started on the next (the second) chapter for that soooo I’m pretty happy
  • I made some additional progress notes for D&D’s sequel so that is fun
  • My Mom and I went shopping a bit today so that was nice. Note: I really, really want to get Urban Decay’s “goldmine” lip gloss one day, it’s legit $20 but it’s soooo bold and pretty and shiny. I’d love to save up some money for that next
  • I still want to get closer and closer to dyeing my hair and I think besides a phone, some bills and other payments, that I may be entering that avenue within the next two months or so!! I haven’t really let anyone know about it, yet, though. Haha Baby steps!
  • I spoke to my dating friend yesterday! They are doing as okay as can be and they let me know something I found really, really funny in a tragically absurd kind of way and that was interesting. I can’t wait until they’re out again, but have to wait for sure for a while still
  • I have to go to bed very soon because I have work tomorrow and Sun but I’m actually looking forward to it a bit!! I’m hoping to do one of the art based activities with the kids tomorrow, if I’m in the right cottage. It’s supposed to be gloriously wonderful and hot on Sun, yay! Tomorrow, mainly cloudy but still warm. I have to pick out my clothing for this very soon actually

So yeah, that’s a little bit of what’s been up and going on today!

I will need to edit another video to get done for next week but maybe I’ll do that tomorrow evening or Sun. I’d like to be a couple of videos ahead and I can probably start doing two videos a week for an upload schedule, which would be SO nice!!!

Yeah, that’s all I got for now ahaha

I’m feeling a bit tired so maybe that’s good news as well.

Welp, I’ll see you either tomorrow, Sun or on Mon.

Stay safe!!

XXX

When I Can No Longer Avoid the Confrontations Before Me | #mhblogger


It should come as no surprise that I cannot stand confrontation.

It makes me anxious, angry people with passion so deep in their veins that they yell and make noise. It makes me feel unsettled. It makes me feel shaky and nervous, uncertain and on edge.

It makes me wonder what it is exactly that I’m supposed to do…

I’m being confronted lately by the by-products of my avoidance. Avoidance runs with so much depth in all aspects of my life that it’s making me feel unsettled and uncertain as to where I can possibly turn. I try to make progress in addressing it, but there’s just SO much of it, so much that I’m drowning in daily, and just when I can manage it a little bit better, a little bit more, everything else builds and builds and builds and again I am left with the choice, the confrontation of invisible forces: do I take the time to look into it and approach cautiously or do I freeze in my steps, turn the other way and run from it? Essentially, do I continue to avoid the avoidable?

Unfortunately, it always seems to be the latter.

And I’m paying for it now.

The Loki Disney+ series is going to be coming out in about 3 weeks and I’m still as far behind in re-watching the MCU as ever before.

I wanted to be through the entire thing months ago but here I am now, still in Phase One and no closer to getting into it. Unless, maybe, I abandon the process entirely, which I don’t think is likely.

I just get so caught up in the fact that I make simple processes into such large, complicated and complex tasks that I inevitably wind up avoiding because there’s TOO much expectation going hand in hand with them. Which translates into just never getting anything substantial done or really making a nice big check mark off something that I appropriately accomplished.

It’s exhausting.

And not everyone else is like this, I’m finding. And so that’s odd, too.

And on top of that, I’ve thought of myself as one thing and more and more I’m being confronted with the idea that maybe I’m not even that thing at all–and if that’s the case, than who am I really?

I guess, the point is, that I do something towards the things I’m avoiding. I’m gearing up from wanting to edit videos today to then changing my Youtube channel banner art instead, to then moving away from editing videos after I scheduled my next video for release tomorrow and then even further to just writing this post (which I’ll be ending soon because my attention span is already waning a lot) to then just watching a movie, working on my film review TIH blog post and reading a book IYF and watching Station 19 and Grey’s Anatomy tonight.

I’m tired, I’m anxious and I’m just deadpan.

I hate that I cannot output as much as I would like or expect of myself, but, I guess it is what it is. I still want to comb my hair today and brush my teeth, because I haven’t quite done that just yet. Then I will watch Thor and also take stock of an estimated updated timeline for the MCU rewatching parties.

I guess what matters is that I keep trying.

And maybe, here I am hoping, that maybe one day that’ll be enough.

Well, I have to go make these things into reality now.

I’ll see you all tomorrow.

🖤🖤🖤

Post written May 20th 2021 at 2:45p; then again at 3:30p. Posted by 3:45p EST

PS Another way my avoidance behaviors are impacting all areas of my life include: the time I waste every day on Youtube binges, the avoidance impacting my work at Amaryllis, the avoidance impacting what I actually get done in a day (my productivity), my avoiding MCU and regular movies, my avoiding my fan fiction, my avoiding reading books, my avoiding blog posts, my avoiding (or this relationship in particular is a little trickier) editing videos, my avoiding news related information (so like what’s happening currently in the world like at Hamas; usually I’m about 2 – 3 years late on current events) etc.

Challenging Myself | A Mental Health Awareness Month (2021) Day #2 Entry

It may no longer be 2018 but that doesn’t mean this thumbnail died or it cannot be revived into the present day. 💜❤💙

Honestly, there HAS to be a better hashtag for this entry that I’m just so unaware of and out of the loop about that I cannot, or don’t have the time right now, to find out about more thoroughly.

I thought I’d challenge myself with a continued post via the daily blogging I’ll be doing for this entire month of May (or at least 6 times a week, giving myself forgiveness if I can’t manage to make it on Tu’s because I’ll be working nights then) all about recovery, positivity, hope, mental health, returning to my roots and other fun things like tags, challenges, blurbs, creative writing (or otherwise art forms) and just getting back to that really public version of journaling that I do. I mean, it has to count for something to be written SOMEWHERE, right? Like, is my not writing in my journal physically in real life but doing so with a trail online a little better? Is it not some form of improvement?

It matters, right?

Doesn’t it.

I’d like to think so.

Is it all the way towards wise? Probably not. But it hasn’t gotten me into trouble yet, so, onward I shall plow!!

Any who, today’s post is more of just a blurb. I think one of the things I can manage to do this month is to “return to my roots.” Why did I start this blog? What branched off from my first entry into blogging (at least with a formal blog like this one on WordPress (so, not counting my deviantART days (which I still plan to return to someday))) and how has that goal and that focus changed from today?

Who am I exactly now that I wasn’t back in 2016?

Because, I’m pretty sure it’s a good chunk. Not a complete transformation but definitely a metamorphosis.

And I’d like to return to sharing that.

Also, with the fact that I explored into some creative writing original work–I seem to have found myself stuck in writing the woe is me Loki stuff (which, I mean, let’s be honest, it’s accurate) but also it’s pigeon-holed me into doing that across all mediums of creative writing (except, okay, maybe not poetry!! Which I STILL have old entries for from last year, ehehe) and that’s probably somewhat problematic. At least, when I want to write to write and not be writing in a particular fanfic mode. I think and imagine that some retraining and readjusting will be in order. Maybe I can find or facilitate a writing group… Hmm. Not a bad idea.

I started to look at crochet (one of the last times I spelled this I accidentally wrote “crotchet” and that’s not the same thing 🙄😨😰🤒) blogs and entries and I’ve always toyed with the idea of getting into that hobby (or at least discovering if I liked it or not) for about a year and I’ve finally decided I’m going to try it. So, likely tomorrow (I’ve got work again on Tu, out on Fri and now I’ll be hanging out with my significant other on Fri) I’m going to go to Michael’s arts and crafts store to buy my OWN set of hooks (just two max; my Mom is adamant that we have some old supplies of hooks at home but it’s the principle of the thing for me) and then some yarn, probably two or three max. I’ve heard/learned that dish cloths are good beginner stuff and there are some of those cute animals you can make that are beginner level too, so that’s what I’m gonna be trying out!!!

Work went well today, by the way. I actually started to write Chp 2 of my new story OWP but stopped legitimately in the middle of a sentence haha.

Ooof, I’m starting to feel tired, the day is starting to wear me down. I will say, lastly, that I was able to watch a couple episodes of Grey’s Anatomy both yesterday and today, I watched Shazam on TV with my Mom, I ate really well–eh, mostly–and I can’t wait for having ice cream tomorrow ahaha. I’m honestly already falling asleep so having more of a life update kind of post and short for my standards nowadays is enough of a challenge for one night. I definitely have a lot of work ahead cut out for me via this whole blogging re-acquaintance but I think it’ll be okay. I have faith in the process. And now, I sleep.

Good night!! And thank you for reading. Sending you all light and love and good movie nights ahead. 🤗🥰😛

🖤🤍💙

Written: 5/2/2021, 10:50-11:15pm EST

PS If you have an idea of current year’s hashtags for the mental health awareness month that is May, leave them down below!! And feel free to network or hop into the conversation as the month progresses forwards. XXX

One Woman’s Persistence (An Original Story) | Chapter 1

Hello!

Welcome to May and it’s Mental Health Awareness Month (alongside borderline personality disorder (BPD) or Emotionally Unstable personality disorder (EUPD) awareness month as well). For the month of May, my goal is to return to the world of blogging each day (if not five or maybe six times a week) with some sort of blog post along the topic of mental health conditions awareness, some fun stuff and recovery oriented endeavors.

As today is the first, I will be sharing a fresh new story that I’m apparently embarking on. It’s actually an original story (so, not fan fiction) with original characters and a timeline that I have no idea will be explored. I’d say the chapters will probably act more as one-shots but that may change at the same time too.** (**If you’d be interested to see my character description for our main character, let me know in a comment and I’ll do a dedicated post to that in the future!! Or you could just wait until I describe it more naturally as the story goes on. Either way 😁😊)

I basically needed to vent from work today so this is what I came up with to do just that. All the names and characters and true inspiration has been changed for confidentiality purposes and so I won’t be discussing so much what happened to me in real life but rather through the bits and pieces of what really happened and how I’m going to handle my reactions towards those things.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to handle either being disrespected or teenagers, thaaaaaat’d be great. Leave them in a comment down below!!! Teenagers are definitely pretty ruthless so any feedback on how to not take their scathing replies personally or how to leave work stuff behind at work and not take it home with you would be SO helpful for me!! I’d love your feedback in any way that I can gobbler it in.

My plan with the rest of today (as I do have work again tomorrow morning): is to reread and edit this first chapter, place it into this post without further much ado, watch maybe a Grey’s Anatomy episode on Netflix, brainstorm ideas for tomorrow’s post (whether that’s a tag, an old film review, watching a new MCU movie, etc.), reading a book, gaming with Animal Crossing and then just going to sleep early is well, erm, that’s it, that’s my plan. 😁😅🤗

So, here is my story and let me know in the comments what you think!! I’ll be back tomorrow to see you all again. I’ve honestly been trying to write a couple of blog posts behind the scenes but this is the first time it’s really gotten further than just rewriting the same sentence or working only a little on a MCU movie review.

Any ways, that’s it. Thanks for reading!!!


“One Woman’s Persistence”

Chapter 1

It wasn’t exactly the type of job she’d ever imagined for herself.

 

Sure, she’d worked with kids before.

 

Okay, they were her siblings. No surprise there.

 

But she didn’t realize, didn’t think, couldn’t have imagined that she’d be where she is now, scrubbing running mascara off her face in the bathroom, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably as hot tears rolled down her white highlighted cheeks.

 

“Damn,” she croaked, her voice breaking between her sobs.

 

I really thought I was stronger than this.

 

And, naturally of course, following that was:

 

If I knew I’d be crying today, I wouldn’t have worn so much makeup.

 

She couldn’t help but let out an airy chuckle bitterly.

 

This wasn’t exactly the way she thought her job would go. She was working at a trauma informed residential for youth where they were placed to protect their safety and to stabilize their moods before they went through either adoption or foster care.

 

They were rambunctious little five-year old’s up to twelve-year old’s that needed a hefty amount of redirection but it wasn’t them she had trouble with. Rather, this crying spell was because of the cruelty in words the older teens had unleashed.

 

Sure, she understood it wasn’t (necessarily) personal. They were going through hell and abandonment themselves, lashing out at anyone not just because they could but because, maybe, they thought these other adults could take it?

 

But Jazz would be kidding herself and making a mockery of her tear-stained face if she ever dared to think she could have taken it—because, obviously, she couldn’t.

 

And it was more than just the disrespect that stung. It was more than the power struggle, the embarrassment that sizzled on her skin for having other teens present to witness her humiliation, it was more than all of that and had everything to do with the frequent verbal leadup that eclipsed the entire event, pushing Jazz past her breaking point.

 

“Go back to your fucking little kids house where you belong.” The teen, red-faced and blue eyes narrowed in a glare had growled. “Who do you think you are? Telling me what to do?” the teen, Pez, spat, because his words slid out like the candied pieces of a Pez machine, his white skin, freckled and red, resembling more of a caricature than a real human being. “I ain’t some three-year-old you can boss around. I’m seventeen. I’m human. You can’t tell me what to do.” Pez looked down for a moment, hairs bristled. “You ain’t my Momma.”

 

Hate sliced through him again, “Get the fuck outta here.”

 

He leaned back in his chair, the wood smacking the wall as it angled.

 

Jazz had wanted so much to have a clever retort, a witty comeback, a swift end of discussion maneuver, a challenge to return even if it was only verbal.

 

But instead, all she felt were the tears coming. And she was alone.

 

No other staff on this side of the house within the facility of five other houses and she couldn’t just run away, either.

 

Instead, she just bit her lip taunt, teeth clamping onto hot pink, like she was doing now, between the hiccups of pain and the scars of a fresh wound.

 

When she did manage to get away, about twenty minutes after the air had returned to cool and she could see the lashing fading from the teen’s body, and cast a glimmer of pain at her none the wiser co-worker (save me, please) she drifted away to the bathroom where she was bawling in now.

 

Jazzelle hadn’t had it easy growing up in her dysfunctional household: with parents that split on each other in a nasty divorce, her mother ending up taking her own life and her father drowning in his guilt as he remarried—Jazzelle often had to be the parent for herself and even more so later when her two younger siblings came into the picture, at least twelve years younger than her, by which Jazz was then sixteen.

 

By the time Jazz was a junior in high school, she had to lay herself down to the grass and give up: the trauma had been too much to bear alone and she realized she could no longer keep up in school (what was the point anyhow? She’d never make it to college) and had to drop out.

 

She got small jobs here and there, not much to help in rent or fun excursions, but it was better than nothing which was what she would have had without them.

 

Yeah, most nights she went hungry, but her sisters Margarette and Janese got to eat and that’s all that really counted.

 

By eighteen, Jazz was on her feet better than ever, or at least for the time being, as she moved out and got her own apartment with two roommates and assisted state living, succeeding in getting her GED and beginning cosmetology school.

 

Two and a half years after and thrust in the workforce, she found that while still passionate for her own self-expression and handling jobs on the side focused on hair and makeup, it wasn’t her main source of fulfillment anymore and the thought of doing it for the rest of her life was both nauseating and choke holding.

 

She had to crawl her way out of that existential crisis alone, too, but once she managed, she found her growing love for photography was maybe something worth pursuing professionally.

 

So, that’s what she had done.

 

She applied to a school in the city, packed up her bags and dove right in.

 

Four years into it after taking one year off, she was still working for her degree when she landed the position, part-time, at the residential.

 

While toying with the idea of wandering into a sociology degree, in the spare time that Jazzelle never had, she’d be entering into her forty-second week working before she was introduced to the older teens facilities upon her work’s campus. Sure, she’d have covered breaks before or arrived at the very end of the night or given out medications, but this time was her first time really thrown to the wolves as in being alone working on that side of the house with the teenage boys.

 

So, while things hadn’t exactly gone to plan: between her muffled cries, the snot and all the tears; the disrespect; the incessant tomfoolery; the blaming herself like when she did after her mother’s passing and the high natural order that she’d have to be back to work tomorrow morning—between all of that…maybe Jazz could have done more to prevent this from happening.

 

She was still slowly getting used to the fact that she didn’t work in a vacuum of space: she and her co-workers were a team and they protected one another, laying upon each other when they needed it, supporting, not always agreeing, and definitely offering feedback and posing the necessary questions.

 

…Jazz knew this.

 

She did.

 

It was just hard, still, to ask for help. To not just be the independent, strong woman she had needed to always be for herself, and to finally say, ‘Hey, maybe I can’t and don’t have to handle this alone.’

 

It was help that totally would have, if supplied right and given at the most opportune moment, completely prevented this sob story for having played out.

 

Jazz couldn’t have been crying for more than ten minutes but it felt like a forever sense of eternal damnation that she just wasn’t and couldn’t have properly prepared for.

 

But one small knock on the door, a tapping really, and she was reeling herself back in.

 

Forget what she could have done, what she could have said, what should or shouldn’t have happened, it was done and over with and while her voice was still hoarse and shaky as she mentioned, “Just a second,” her blue-green eyes fixed their stare at her reflection. She could see the lines on her face, the wrinkles like the Grand Canyon upon her forehead, her face battered from wearing the storm and when she scrunched up her pink lips, half crumpled with gloss and still half in place, she let out a long sigh and put that game face of hers back into play.

 

She’d handle the rest of the shift.

 

If she was lucky: away from Pez.

 

If not, tolerating him would have to be enough.

 

And while she may have a shake in her step or the hypervigilance to be aware of Pez and where his arms were at, she knew she’d be okay.

 

She knew she’d make it in tomorrow.

 

Because that’s just what Jazz did.

 

In the face of adversity, she persisted.

 


Written: May 1st 2021 between 4:45p – 6p; typed at 6:15p, edited by 7p, uploaded by 7:30p EST.

Thank you all so much once more, and let’s all hail for tomorrow’s upcoming return!!!

When you’re stressed out, how do you manage your emotions? Is there something you can turn to pretty easily to self-soothe and practice self-care? What could you do to challenge yourself in one small way going forwards?

All the best,

— xxx

💚💙🖤