“Iron Man 2” (2010) Film Review | MCU Review #3 (Apr. & Dec. 2021; Feb. 2022)


MCU Timeline by:

Chronological order of Release Date


Chosen Film/Year:

Iron Man 2 (2010)


Movie Rating:

PG-13


Movie Length:

2 hours and 5 minutes


End credit scene:

One.


Directors/Screenplay Writers:

Jon Favreau

Justin Theroux


Genre:

Science-fiction, action, adventure.


Trigger Warnings:

Self-destructive tendencies, dying, tying affairs in order, substance use (alcohol), smoking tobacco, self-sacrifice, reckless behavior, dysfunctional family dynamics.


Themes:

Hurt/comfort, illness, sickness, health, telling people vs. hiding it, SHIELD infiltration, you are not alone, superheroes, friendships, romantic interests, people outside of you challenging your cognitive distortions, family secrets, assassins, lies, facing adversity, very smart people, friendships are tested, adversaries, militarization.


Where I watched it from:

Disney+


Plot Summary:

As with all of my other MCU reviews, I will be linking to some places on the Interwebs where people were better able to summarize these amazing movies because if you leave it up to me, it’ll take forever lmao. Here’s who I recommend this time:

  1. Roger Ebert’s Review
  2. Sandie Angulo Chen from Common Sense Media
  3. Jim Vejvoda from IGN

Memorable Quotes or Scenes:

  1. (Rhodey to Tony) “You want to do this whole lone gun slinger act and it’s unnecessary. You don’t have to do this alone”

    Wiser words have never been spoken. Try me.

  2. (Nick Fury to Tony) “I remember you do everything yourself; how’s that working out for you?”

It’s ruthless but yet so very, very true. I can recall in AoU Fury being this poignant. Seems to be the staple for Tony’s and Fury’s relationship haha

3. (Howard to the camera via old footage, speaking to Tony directly) “One day you will figure this out. And when you do, you will change the world. What is and always will be my greatest creation, is you.”

No shit, their relationship was complicated (and we are shown that later on too) but just to hear this gutting phrase from your old man years and years ago? Damn. That hits, right in the feels. A little memorial in a sense, maybe a twisted sense, not knowing what was to come and yet saying it anyways in case it did. Such is life and thus, such is death. πŸ–€πŸ–€πŸ–€


Emotional Intensity:

Okay, I’ll be honest for a second: I’m writing, editing and finishing this review many, many, many months after I watched the movie for sure myself. While I am likely to watch it again with my partner, Vaness, that’s still a long time from now sooooo I can’t really say I remember a whole lot from this movie. I was even going to take out this part itself to begin with (for the sake of the rest of the review) but decided against it. I CAN say this movie has a great re-watchability rate compared to TIH. I also never rated it before but I think the mark I gave it is accurate. This movie definitely provides a whole heap of fan fiction inspirations and spin-offs, even just for me, so that’s really awesome and fantastic, I’d say!!! There’s definitely a lot to work with and what can I say? I’m biased. I love Tony Stark. Hahahha.

If you’d like to get lost in smart people attacking each other, on two opposing sides, with some self destructive habits sprinkled in and thinking you have to go through things alone (but really, you don’t) than this is the superhero movie out there for you!!! It’s so spell binding and amusing at points, heartbreaking in others and really gets you to understand the evil man’s perspective while still rooting for Tony. It’s also a good movie to be able to split up into parts–like I didn’t watch it all in one go but even a few days later I could get right back into it like nothing happened. I also didn’t write down A LOT of notes (unlike for Thor, next up movie!!) but I think what I did manage was helpful. Okay, now, onto the next sections!!! Overall emotional intensity: Yes.


Fan Fiction Ideas/Themes to Explore in My Fics:

    • Betrayal
    • Substance use
    • Reckless behavior, suicidality warning signs
    • Ill, health, dying etc.
    • Hero vs villain
    • Family secrets
    • Boarding school
    • Self sacrifice
    • Alone vs together (especially when facing problems; definitely draw on this in my fics)
    • Secrets
    • Lies
    • Adversity (especially overcoming it)
    • Burdens on one shoulder versus across many
    • Poor family dynamics
    • Senses of abandonment
    • Self destructive tendencies
    • Humanization

Estimated Timeline of When I First Watched this Movie:

Gosh, I don’t know. It was definitely out of order many years after it truly came out. Maybe in like 2014 summer or so? That’s probably when I watched it. I know I watched IM3 thinking it was the plot for Avengers like three separate times because I kept catching it on TV at different points hahah And then I think I watched this one and then I figured out it was The Avengers so yeah. Definitely probably 2014, I’d say. Do I remember anything from it–from when I first watched it? Nooooope. It’s a good movie though!!


Subtle or Overt Preparation for Future (or past) Films:

We definitely start getting more of a taste for what will later become The Avengers. And the end credit scene shows us in New Mexico from Thor’s hammer landing there so we’re getting the teases lining up all right. We get more information on Natasha and Fury and the organization they’re about and from. So things are lining up pretty well!! (huuurrrr, that’s all I remember, lmao)


Recommendation Score:

8.5/10


Upcoming Movie:

…Thor (2011)…


Technical information regarding this post:

Β Working on the review: Dec. 26th 2021, Feb. 9th 2022, Feb. 23rd 2022.

Completed and Published: Feb. 23rd 2022.

Viewing Handwritten notes: April 6th-7th 2021, April 16th 2021


Thank youuuuu!! Thanks so much for staying tuned and reading this mini review of sorts!! I know mine can get, uh, pretty lengthy so, almost sorry about that but not really. Hahaha If you read it, you read it; if you don’t, you don’t. BUT for anyone who is out there and does enjoy these, I will keep them coming… As if I had a choice myself buahahhaha. Next up within the next month will be the Thor review. For now, I have to watch CA:TFA! Probs in March though hahaha I like to stay about one review ahead. And then one day I’ll be back on top of everything and current!!!! YAY! xxx

PS Not gonna lie, I’m mega proud I got this review out in Feb!!! It might be like 8 months later but I did it!! I didn’t have to extend the review date in the title hahha. Little wins are the best!

“Almost Everything” (2018) | BES (Oct., Nov., Dec. 2021)


CHOSEN BOOK:

“Almost Everything” (2018) by Anne Lamott

Notes on Hope; ((nonfic))


TRIGGER WARNINGS:

Suicide, specific suicide methods, suicidality, OCD, depression, mental health conditions, addiction/substance use disorders, perfectionism, eating disorders, topic of weights/ED behaviors (specific weights), dysfunctional/otherwise unhealthy families, stigma, secrets, “behind closed doors”, intrusive thoughts, romanticizing EDs/active substance use, casual engagement of self-harm/”picking up cutting”, suicide pact, toxic relationships.


THEMES:

Philosophy, life, death, suffering, struggling, hope, memoir, life lessons, spirituality, paradoxes, dialectics, retail therapy, health, recovery, creativity, storytelling, existentialism.


SUMMARY:

Hi, so it’s been a while again since I worked on this blog post of a Book Exploration Station. That said, and the roughness of this post and how imperfect it is, I’m going to try my hardest to pull together all the last stitches and details and make this something I can finally post and then, finally, lastly, be done with it all and wipe my hands clean so I can move forward to the next thing (the next books, the next words, the next stories).

So this particular book is non-fiction and begins with a poem that I wish I was more understanding of its significance for the way the author relates to it and the story she later goes on to tell. Like, it was featured but I don’t know why. What did it mean to Lamott? What sparked something in her soul for it and why wasn’t or couldn’t that be explored within her text later on? It didn’t seem all that relevant. I definitely picked up that I was supposed to pick up something from it but I have no idea what.

It’s a tad frustrating and a let down, I’m afraid. Which, I suppose is a good way to summarize how I felt reading this story. I’ll get into that a lot more later. Hmmm, now that I’ve reread it, I suppose it makes sense:

I think Lamott’s entire book here is meant to show the paradox of a dialectic and that two opposing things can exist in the same space and that this small poem is also an example of that. It sets up what she tries to propose as her life and the way she’s viewed life. So, I guess just, on the surface it seems distant and unexplained and later it’s still unexplained and also very fitting. Poetic, even.

A good and simplistic way to sum up this book, I think, is this:

“This is a very profound book. A little nutty, but very profound” — Me, p. 34

I know this description isn’t going in the way I want it to, and that’s a frustrating process. But I’ve spent too much time on this piece and I’ve spent too much time putting off dealing with this post because of all that anxiety, stress and avoidance so I have to just see this through. I CAN say the rest of this review goes pretty well with some really great gems in it, so please keep reading when you have the time! I’d say this book overall was okay. It wasn’t super remarkable or something I’d carry along with me consciously upon the rest of my life’s journey but it was a nice blip and something to think about for a time. Like, I’ll carry a piece of it, it just won’t be on my entire world’s radar. Something faded and in the background works though. It’s definitely a very philosophical book if you like that kind of thing! And it also brings forth a lot of sharp points that are sometimes hard to digest–the types of truths you don’t want to hear but that you need to hear all the same, like from the mouth of a good friend who refuses to only tell you what you want to hear, instead they’ll tell you what you don’t want to be true and you’ll thank them for it later because you didn’t realize how MUCH you did in fact need to hear that. If you’re looking for a book to make you think this would definitely be it. Just be careful if you’re in recovery though because there’s a lot of inflammatory words and depictions in this. It doesn’t shy away from hard topics but it also doesn’t warn you about them either, which I think would have been better if it had.

Personally, I like trigger warnings because it hands back the power into my own hands where I can then decide for myself with all the information given if I wish to proceed or not. I didn’t appreciate or like that a book seemingly on hope and light and positivity, was immediately throwing me into the deep end because of the language it used and specific methods of suicide it gave ideas to. I almost tossed aside the entire book but we know how I am about reading. Still, it was super unexpected and threw me around for a bit. I just would have liked a head’s up. But yes, onward to the next bit!


BOOK LENGTH:

189 pages


MY RECOMMENDATION SCORE:

2/5


OUTSTANDING QUOTES AND IDEAS:

Let us note: Thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are temporary. Actions are a whole other beast. And let’s work to continue to dispel the myth that suicide is ever a permanent “solution” to a temporary problem. Another, better, way of phrasing that would be “suicide is a permanent action to a temporary crisis.”

Let us also note and ponder this: At what point does being specific about methods of self harm or self induced death in a fashion such as a book or web post, when does that become too detrimental and dangerous for anyone else out there reading it? I know I’m not much of one to talk, I distinctly recall some of this factoring into my time online over the years, while I was struggling in recovery (that’s probs the most dirt you’d find on me, let’s be real) but yes, at what point is that information more suitable for a therapy session rather than a publishable material? It’s a wonder. A thought. I think we really can run into trouble when it’s more and more specific. I get generally defining a self harm mode, but things to do with what is used specifically or the gore and romanticization of it, that’s tricky territory.

For this book, I really felt at first that I wasn’t walking into a minefield of methods and diagnoses. It was a book on hope but it tackled really heavy things that I nearly walked away from it entirely. Also, there were no trigger warnings. So it could have been super hopeful or super triggering. It landed somewhere in the middle but damn. A warning would have been nice, I think. Hence why I do these reviews for the mental health conditions person out there who may be wandering about looking for some books to read or care to read my thoughts on the ones I choose for myself, haha. Best for me to read it first and then offer one perspective about it later, especially when there are warnings that should have been stated but never would (or is that too harsh a judgment?) be.

As for this particular book, it read to me that the author suffers more from OCD intrusive thoughts than genuine suicidal ideation. And that actually confessing it to those she’s with or in a book could actually be a compulsion stringing her along (which is what happened to me, too). I think because it seems more OCD in nature, it’s not something to be too worried about (easier said than done), because it won’t lead into other complicated territories (like what happened to me, damn you co-morbid diagnoses!).

Β 

“Parents are blown away by something this catastrophic [death of their children] and their roots barely stay in the shifting soil. But life holds on. Little by little, nature pulls us back, back to growing. This is life. We are life” — Lamott, 2018, p. 12

I really just love and enjoy this sentiment and statement a lot. Thought it was particularly moving and I’ve always enjoyed the little sapling/tree roots into the ground to stay within the premises of life. What do you think?

“And that seed pushes up through, no matter what, because this is how life is constructed–to live” — Lamott, 2018, p. 13

I find this to just be beautifully said. A gem within the darkness.

Β 

“I have felt ectoplasmic flickers of my father and best friends, life forces that have been snuffed out in the human realm but exist, like candles in another room” — Lamott, 2018, p.16

This is pretty much the best indicator of how this author writes in this book. Very philosophical and educated and with a depth that most others don’t possess or don’t quite wield in the same manner. It’s refreshing, albeit confusing at times, but still, refreshing. xx

Is it normal to question your perception of reality? Of your sanity?

Or is it more abnormal not to?

Descartes would have a field day with this. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜…πŸ˜Š

Β 

On p. 22, I highlight how this book is very philosophical but also question why I should take her statements and experiences of life as fact? It made me feel suspicious.

“Every day we’re in the grip of the impossible conundrum: the truth that it’s over in a blink, and we may be near the end, and that we have to live as if it’s going to be okay, no matter what” — Lamott, 2018, p. 25

The accuracy of this is off the charts!! It’s beautifully crafted, once again and what is the true alternative? We can have moments sitting at the kitchen table where we realize, one day I’m going to die and my life will be over and whatever good (or bad) I did will be what’s left and I’ll just be a memory to those around me. That one day, the story will end, in a final bow, and whatever comes next will come to be, though how aware of it we are is up in the air. And then after having that realization: well, time to get back to the present moment where I’m just drinking my milk with my cookies all over again, like I haven’t just thought of this big mega brain thing of how little things matter before that final fall, and somehow I have to transition back into my present day life and push aside this big moment that I can do very little to prepare for! It’s absurd to have these moments, what I call existential awareness. It’s not truly a crisis but it’s a weird moment where I realize this and then am aware that I’m realizing it and then I go back to whatever I was doing to cope with that realization (most probably a Youtube video, let’s be real haha). But yeah, just, so much truth is in this statement above. We have to believe everything’s going to be okay and we’ll be alive to experience it, even though our experiences of things is time sensitive, we just don’t know when or how or why. Life is a very, very strange mystery.

A hard truth, yet necessary:

“Peace of mind is an inside job, unrelated to fame, fortune, or whether your partner loves you. Horribly, what this means is that it is also an inside job for the few people you love most desperately in the world. We cannot arrange lasting safety or happiness for our most beloved people. They have to find their own ways, their own answers” — Lamott, 2018, p. 35

You cannot force another person to live or love or be in recovery, no matter how much we wish we could, lasting recovery and getting help has to begin and end with them, themselves. You cannot make someone do something they don’t want to do. You support them, you offer advice (if they’ve asked for it, and sometimes even when they haven’t, depending on how well you know them and especially when it’s hard to hear), you be there for them, you accept them and you hope to god that they find it along the way on their own, but you’re never really super sure on it. Lasting recovery and getting help starts with them. Unfortunately, you can try forcing recovery but it probably won’t stick. You can’t help someone unless they want to be helped. It’s a horrible affair, clearly. It’s just how life draws the hand at times. I wish it weren’t true. But it’s not up to you to rescue them. They have to find a way to rescue themselves. (Which is possible, by the way!!)

Β 

[about rescuing your kids/friends/partner] “What’s the harm in that? The harm is in the unwanted help or helping them when they need to figure things out for themselves” — Lamott, 2018, p. 45

I found this to be a particularly hard truth. It seems very unnatural to my senses, as a helper and fixer. But it’s necessary and needed. It just hurts to learn and know. πŸ€”πŸ˜•

“You can raise and care for your nearest and dearest the best you can, put them in the best schools, rehab, or condo, and never, ever give up on their having the best possible life available. But if you do so thinking you can rescue them with your good ideas and your checkbook, or get them to choose a healthy, realistic way of life, that mistake will make both of you much worse than you already are” — Lamott, 2018, p. 47

Well, damn, isn’t that some tough shit news to learn of. Not the type of information I’d seek out myself but very necessary as a reminder!! It’s hard to think it’s your responsibility to save someone or think you have to rescue them when really there’s little we can do to fix or help here on the outside of them. Of course, one can try and help with validation and good faith and words, but thinking it’s up to you to save them? No, that’s up to them. They have to save themselves. Which is really tough, of course, and necessary to be reminded of. Sometimes just shedding that layer of ‘rescue them’ like a cloak can uplift the burden we carry when we fail or it doesn’t work out. So, lift up this layer and carry on a little lighter for the next moment. πŸ–€πŸ–€

Hearing the journey it took the author (and mother) of an ill son with substance use disorder to reach the point of removing her help (that was really enabling) from her son by keeping him in jail and how the parents of unlike kids asked, how did you do that, jail is so cold and dangerous, for Lamott to be like ‘Wow, bummer’ is just SUCH a glimpse of strength, power and inspiration. She still thinks keeping her son in jail and not bailing him out, helped him more than bailing him out would have, and that had she bailed him out, he would have wound up dead. Because helping him and enabling him wasn’t helping him at all, maybe just helping her own psyche, but when she removed this notion that she could rescue him and accepted that only HE could do that, she found freedom and she found the ability to let go for him to take up the reigns of holding on himself. Genuinely inspiring (p. 51) I found this so captivating, engrossing and true. xxx

Β 

Next, at the end of this chapter, Lamott also explains how she had to accept that her son wasn’t going to ask her for help as his mother and would instead look towards others in his meetings and how he would one day tell others the same thing they told him, etc. There was a sense of community that helped him most. I guess, my point is, that this makes me wonder how do I maintain my own sanity with my loved one Fai in a similar self-destructive cycle and where I fit in. Also, I miss a sense of community. I keep searching for that online. So far, results are mixed. πŸ’”

Β 

“We see this toward the end of many people’s lives, when everything in their wasted bodies fights to stay alive, for a few more kisses or bites of ice cream, one more hour with you. Life is still flowing through them: life IS them” — Lamott, 2018, p. 63

A beautiful and captivating description of the fragility of life amongst all of its beauty and its meaning to hold on for one more second, knowing it’s too good to waste, too good to do anything but pause for a moment, recognize the absurdity that is life and what it contains, appreciate it and let it go to pass, so that other lives and souls and bodies can come to be and to experience similar states that is this thing called life.

“No one can take this hatred off me. I have to surrender it every time I become aware of it. But I don’t want my life’s ending to be that I was toxic and self-righteous, and I don’t know if my last day here will be next Thursday or in twenty years. Whenever that day comes, I want to be living, insofar as possible in “joy though you’ve considered all the facts”” — Lamott, 2018, p. 83

I felt at the time I read this book and at the point of writing and editing this review that this line hits like a sack of bricks onto my bare feet. It just rocks so much and radiates so much power to it. Which I wholly believe in. Some great, great words and larger even sentiments. Do you feel the same?

Β 

“My friends’ novels are taking years, because they have to dig deep, and insist on being true to the story, to the story they are called, assigned or moved to tell, and on being honest about what they found, instead of telling the story they thought or wished they’d found. Writing that carries truth uplifts us, teaches empathy, purpose, dignity” — Lamott, 2018, p. 93

I feel like this is such a true and deep running canal for story telling and writing. I know it’s something I always try and remember in my own fan fiction and even with my other more original based creative projects: be true to the story. Sometimes what I write about, especially in fics, is really dark and there’s a large weight in carrying that, but I also do refuse to dampen the blow of what I feel in my soul is the ‘right’ thing for that character or chapter or situation, that there’s some reason I feel compelled in that direction and that I have enough faith in myself and my characters that they can survive it and grapple with it and overcome it. Of course, I give proper warnings and such if it IS heavier material in the chapter or story itself but yeah I don’t really shy away from hard stuff and it reminds me to make sure I also take in and explore all the brighter spots that come thereafter too. To highlight all the hope and all the joy and all the purpose and meaning that comes with life, because life isn’t just pain. I think that’s important; to highlight the dichotomy of both: life is pain and life is beauty.

It always mind boggled me when I’d read a good fanfic and the writer would promise a follow-up to the story or a new chapter if it ONLY got a certain amount of comments or likes. I’m very much a ride or die kind of person, so for me, delaying something because of what other people think is just absurd. At least, in the sense that if you don’t comment X things I won’t continue the story. Like, for me, the story will always be continued. It might be literal YEARS until I continue it. I guess on a related note, these days I’m frozen sometimes in the fact that I’m worried that a couple of my stories with larger followings will be disappointing in some way or that it won’t be as good and “perfect” as I want it to be or that I have to be in the “right headspace” to write for it or what if people don’t like it…

But I always strive to be as true to the story and myself—all these issues NOW are a part of my process (and wasn’t before 2016 when I began most of my current present day ongoing fanfic stories) but like I wouldn’t just rely on other people on whether or not I continue something. Like, if I started it, I’m going to finish it. I’m not swayed by ‘Oh, I’ll only continue this story if I get 30 likes/reviews’ To me, it’s like, ‘No, I’ve started this story, I’m going to finish it. Whether people like it or not, I will write it how I see it happening and be true to what I think the story desires and calls for.’ I hope that makes sense!!!!

I have gotten more aware of how people might like or dislike something, and that that is okay, and I do appreciate feedback of course too, I just also can’t see myself downgrading a story to only if other people want it a certain way if I don’t myself believe that that’s the true way for the story. I’m probably rambling now ahaha. Sorry!! I guess my point is just: Be true to the story. No matter how dark or how bright it gets, be true to it. If you are truthful to how the story wants to be told and you’re pulled along for the ride and it’s authentic, that’s all that matters. Of course, you’ll want readers, but if no one read it at the end of the day and you were true to it and yourself then there will be satisfaction there and maybe if no one sees it today, maybe three years from now so many will and maybe it’ll give them some flicker of comfort or fear or wonder or awe. You have that power as the writer. Wield it wisely. πŸ¦„πŸ’œπŸ’™πŸ€πŸ’š

“The universe is usually telling us the same story, that our lives are rich and fluid and infinitely mysterious; that we only thought we were stuck, that nothing stays the same for long” — Lamott, 2018, p. 95

I find this to be so refreshing and brilliant. A beautiful sentiment to share with others who may be struggling–particularly in my life, Fai and Vanessa (my partner). πŸ”†πŸ’šπŸ’œπŸ’™

“Gratitude is seeing how someone changed your heart and quality of life, helped you become the good parts of the person you are” — Lamott, 2018, p. 117

I love this. Isn’t this just about everything? One could say….almost everything? πŸ˜πŸ™‚πŸ˜…

“Of course, when certain people die, there is anguish. We will never get over their deaths, and we’re not supposed to” — Lamott, 2018, p. 117

Grief is a journey, not a phase by phase destination. It’s fluid and murky and yucky and necessary. It’s the cost to have loved and be loved. It is everything, almost, and ever present. But because you carry it doesn’t mean it has to consume you. Be aware of the journey you have with your grief and allow it space to hurt and be felt, that’s all any emotion really wants: an awareness of it, a letting the shitty-ness be felt and then, gradually taken up by other emotions and other life experiences and more that goes on, because life, life does go on and so we have to decide how we’re going to go along with it: are we stuck in the past and those damning past hurts or have we moved through and onward, over the next hill, the wolves only a distant howl to an otherwise bright sky? That choice, that is truly the only one, maybe the most important one, up to us. πŸ–€πŸ–€πŸ–€πŸ–€πŸ–€

“You can’t force people to be willing to face their pain and anger, to own the ugliness that is in all of us. You can’t. I’ve tried so hard” — Lamott, 2018, p. 142

A horribly true fact. This arises at the point of the book where two people in substance use disorders make a suicide pact so if that is something that could trigger you I’d miss over this book. It is still a horribly true fact though, you can’t force people to get better and that’s exhausting and draining and horrible. You can offer what you can and help support them and encourage. But it’s not your place to fight their battles. Only they can do that. And they have to want it, too, in order to do it. Phew.


flight-of-ideas-bes-thumb-2.19.21

THOUGHTS AND IDEAS I HAD WHILE READING:

  • I really liked the style of the opening page for the book, with the gold dots on the top and bottom borders. That was really sweet. Plus I also enjoyed the symbols under the chapter headers for each one as well. Just a fancy nice touch
  • There are some great cardiophile moments in this book, huzzah! πŸ’šπŸ’™πŸ’›β€
  • p. 41’s ending reminded me and made me think of Loki in my D&D fanfic. It made me think of adolescence and Loki and his family in that setting, a sense of belonging through new friends and how that will eventually grow and revitalize him and such. πŸ˜ŠπŸ™‚ At least, I think that’s what I liked about it hahaha It’s been a while again (12/11)
  • (of shoving food into your maw) “Maybe you do [have to shove it all down]. Sometimes one just does and there is nothing wrong with this” — Lamott, 2018, p. 44

    • I enjoyed and appreciated this small validation. It’s nice! πŸ˜‹
  • “Life just damages people. There is no way around this. Not all the glitter and concealer in the world can cover it up” — Lamott, 2018, p. 59

    • Maybe it’s just me but I LOVE this line. The glitter and concealer… Maybe because I’m slowly getting into makeup myself but yeah I don’t know I just thought it really stood out to me. It’s fancy. And true. Life is hard and bleak sometimes (and also hope and light). Sometimes it’s really hard to sparkle up a dark picture. And sometimes such efforts are futile to begin with. Life is hard and unforgiving for whatever reason (and maybe not knowing why contributes to this pain) and in the efforts of paradox, it is also bright and opaque and beautiful. We haven’t quite gotten to this latter part for this chapter it’s from yet but the overall arching theme is there.
  • “We do get a taste of the spheres in birdsong (how nature is beautiful and restorative to the human soul), eclipses, the surf, tangerines. In the dark, we see the stars. In the aftermath of the devastating fire, the sun rose red” — Lamott, 2018, p. 62

    • I LOVE how this was said. It’s just so fruitful and amazing, I find. That, while life is so hard, it’s also so, so beautiful and gives back.
  • So there’s this interesting concept that got the gears turning in my head during this book: This notion that as the Reader reading the work of a Writer, you get taken out of your element either because you can relate or because you can’t and it reminded me of this realization I had in my early twenties (when I was far more creative than I am these days), where I realized that some of the life experiences I gave to my characters, particularly if they were set earlier than my chronological age, were experiences I had “missed” out on living but that I could live through them instead. I don’t know if that makes sense but like I remember I was sitting in the old science building of my university working on my laptop and maybe taking photos and I was just like “Damn, when I write about Susie in a mosh pit, I’ve never done that myself but I can live it viscerally through her” or just generally realizing that maybe the Craft doesn’t always reflect the Experience (like my recent creativity discussion post). It was just like a sudden dawning epiphany that I could write about Susie in a mosh pit all I wanted to but because she did that at nineteen, and I never had at twenty-one, I was never going to be able to go back to experience that or have that as a part of my own life. Like, I guess, it was just this notion that one day I will cease to exist but all these characters and things I’ve done will (hopefully) live on. Like, even if I was one person via body, I was made up of many more in soul because I was creative. Does that make sense? I could probs do a whole post on that separately if anyone is interested. Maybe I’ll start a Creativity Discussion series for this blog…. I don’t know, that was just something on my own mind. I just remember it as a sudden epiphany and existential awareness that was pretty wild at the time. It’s interesting to have a creative mind!! I think that creativity and the characters and plots and scenarios (our imagination, shortly put) we create in our minds is such an incredible talent and to craft that into something so believable that other people buy (physically and metaphorically) it is just such a wondrous thing. It’s wild if you think about it too long. But it’s cool. Art is nice, isn’t it? What do you get out of your craft? What keeps you going when maybe the audience for you is mute? I’d love to know and learn your perspective!!! I definitely will toy with this ‘creativity discussion’ thing too. I think that has some great potential….
  • Β 
  • (I can’t tell if I highlighted this enough so here’s another short verbiage on it: It was that strange notion that my characters would get to experience things that I no longer could because of time passing and experiences and life happening that happens for them differently than it did for me. But that even if I couldn’t have experienced it myself based on how time fell for me, didn’t mean they couldn’t or I couldn’t live vicariously through them. It was that daunting realization that even if my characters were false, they felt very real to me. And they had their own hopes and dreams and stories to tell that I was just the messenger to. I don’t know, it’s… very interesting. I can almost feel them shaking about in my skull and coming out from under the cobwebs… I should do some reading soon about imagination and creativity and all of that. I’d love to re-access all that they have and had to offer. I miss that… A lot.)
  • I also liked the notion on p. 79 about those who have been nearly destroyed may explain why they also destroy. Reminds me of Loki a lot and was something I particularly liked and wanted to highlight here. 😊😊
  • p. 89’s got me questioning myself as to why I want to write and publish books. Is it for creative release? To add my voice to the many others out there? To create? To make a career out of it? To earn money? To do it like those who garden? Interesting question with interesting answers….
  • Any time I see the word “unmasked” it makes me think of my FFN and AO3 account’s name (Unmasked Potential). Same for when I hear “Lighthouse” by GRL the song. Reminds me to do videos, that and my BANNERS outro hahaha. Love it. But yeah, this book mentioned unmasked at one point and so I was thinking, oh! I should write some fanfic soon. Still in progress with that idea currently hooray!!
  • Trees are fucking awesome and we should have more of them (not less! Never less!) πŸŒ³πŸŽ„πŸŒ²πŸŒ΄
  • By the end of the book, when Lamott is commenting on school shootings, she raises the idea that instead of focusing on all that’s wrong with the world, what if instead we focused on what comes after–the humanity and goodness in that that arrives or the new land that still breathes and grows after a fire, etc. She suggests where placing our focus and attention could bring forth another perspective or incidence of thought (so instead of just focusing in on the tragedies themselves, where else could we turn for an uplifting narrative? Even if it’s one we’re just creating for ourselves). I bring that up because it reminded me of an interview story I watched (and was the original inspiration for miscellaneous reviews for this blog, though I never fully wrote it back then, although doesn’t mean I can’t next year!) about the Nice terror attacks a few years back and how the girl the storytelling focused on wanted to give more power to the man who was there to hold her hand after the blast than the guy who perpetrated the evil acts. That always really stuck with me. And it’s such a fantastic strength and spin on what would otherwise be a horribly terrible bad after taste for humanity but is instead a celebration that love always wins. It’s beautiful, honestly.
  • I loved this notion: “The characters in your story are real people to you and include you but they aren’t yet real people to your audience” — Lamott, 2018, p. 96-97
    • I just loved that this is so true for fiction. It’s so true and makes it such a wonder how imagination works and how storytelling is so powerful and so useful and so artistic. As the Writer, you know your Characters so well, but the audience doesn’t yet, and how you go about showing them that and pulling them along to witness whatever story you wish and are destined to show, that’s so remarkable. It also reminded me once again to do more writing soon which I have been able to do so far with my mental health fanfic! It’s actually the first time I’ve EVER written scenes out of order and am then pulling them together to form a cohesive chapter that I plan to update before the end of the year! Huzzah!!! More updates on that in the future (and I’m planning to get this post out by the weekend before Christmas, so, hooray). That’s the pull and the drive I have for today (12/16) at least! [[**Oops, got this out after Christmas, but the intention was there and this is still something (just one day late!)!!]]
  • “More than any other sentence I have come across, I love Ram Dass’s line that when all is said and done, we are all just walking each other home” — (Lamott, 2018, p. 109

  • What I love about the above quote is that it has such a touching significance that I really adore. A beautiful soliloquy, a timeless tale. πŸ’™πŸ€πŸ’™
  • “Get out of yourself and become a person for others, while simultaneously practicing radical self-care: maybe have a bite to eat, check in with the sky twice, buy some cute socks, take a nap” — Lamott, 2018, p. 131
    • This was cute and genuinely a sentiment that made me smile. I enjoyed it and wanted to share it, here, too with you. XX
  • “It’s another inside job: if you are not okay with yourself at ___ pounds, you may not be okay at ten less or even thirty less. The self-respect and peace of mind you long for is not in your weight. It’s within you” — Lamott, 2018, p. 157

    • Weight specifics aside, this is super duper accurate and so super duper important, for anyone out there suffering with an ED or on the disordered spectrum. A worthy component to keep in mind. Whenever you’d hit that next “goal weight” you won’t be satisfied, it will take more and more (or less and less) to bring you some kind of satisfaction and it honestly won’t be worth it. You deserve to take up space as you are. You don’t need to be “ill enough” or too ‘wide’ or ‘small’ in order to have help and seek support and be worthy of recovery. You are worthy, as you are right now. I don’t know, I thought this was important to also highlight in this review itself. And it will help to add to my fanfic D&D too.

book-prints-thumb-2.19.21

MY EXPERIENCE: WHAT KEPT ME READING & THE BOOK’S IMPACT ON ME:

Something that I really loved about this book occurs at the very end of p. 64 onto p. 65, where the author Lamott takes us through what it’s like for her to experience reading books and the imaginations of others’ minds she plays in for a time to forget her own struggles or just to feel something or feel inspired or learn wisdom and to have that accompaniment of humanity with her in her darkest (or brightest) hour. Personally, I loved that depiction so much. I absolutely adore and love books (and plan and dream of publishing my own!!) and they’re just SO transformative and wondrous. I just want to become a life reincarnated again as a whole ass library. That would be SO sweet. Maybe in my RecoveryHome I’ll have a room just designated for books (but let’s be honest, there’s so many I own (let alone borrow!) that I’d probs need a room and a half for all of them). Hahhahaha. Physical hard copies of books are just so… magical. Which, reminds me!!

There’s a book I took out from a further away library that I had to return because it was so overdue and it was a whole thing but it was REALLY hard to let it go so I did order it on Amazon for my own personal copy and though I haven’t read it whatsoever I’m SOOOO enthralled and greedy for the aesthetic of it and what it captures, I think it was… yes, the “The Little Paris Bookshop” by Nina George and oh my gooooodddddd. I’m just craving other things like it by other authors/similar themes and it’s totes a thing for me now. Which, I think George has a few similar to that anyways (those little coffee shops/bistros and there’s some Christmas related one that recently came out by a separate author) and I’m just LIVING for it. I love it. It has piqued my interest ahaha SO, if you know any others out there like that, let me know in the comments what you’d recommend!!! And also, what type of genre would that be? It might make my search a little easier. I guess it’s like a hygge kind of thing, isn’t it? I love it. It’s like getting into Bath & Body Works sprays and lotions–I never knew I’d want to smell like a pastry but now that I can, I LOVE IT. I’m all in, 100%. Hahaha

Something that recently came up for this BES was this conversation I held in previous sections, particularly regarding more of a series from the creativity discussion panels and also from being true to the story that wants to be told, whether it’s what we set out to do at first or how it evolves as is. These are two really distinct moments I had writing this review again today (12/15) and they were really, really nice. I think a good part of me could see the bright spots of creativity from the writing in this book and relate it to other things like the MCU and Loki in particular (and all my fanfics as a whole). I just also loved this section on p. 94 where Lamott talks about her favorite stories being the shifts in points of view, from point B to point A, where something changed and hope unfurls its wings from a previous setting of pain and doom. The paragraph in Lamott’s story details how the details are so important in such changing tides of stories that move us and inspire us and let us see something funny or something remarkable. I guess, the overall framework is this: telling stories matter and how they are told matters and what they leave behind, that matters too. You could genuinely change someone with a story that you tell, so what are you going to tell?

To be fair, when I read the eating disorder heavy chapter, I was pretttttty confused as to what I should have taken away from it. It was a tad unnecessary in how triggering it could be for someone who struggles with that type of thing (and of course there are no warnings for such content) so it just left me perplexed and bothered. It was odd.

Something else I really took away from this book is that notion of how writing and creative writers and writers as a whole really hold a powerful light against the darkness that can crowd out the stars: this symbolism of characters who have gone through hell but came out the other side, this powerful attestation to hope and faith and belief in one’s self (even if for a time, it’s only because of the faith and light we find solace in from others holding it out FOR US until we can one day take it into our own palms). The way a story can be told to inspire and get other people moving…. it’s magical, writing is, and art in general and of itself, and that is so, so beautiful, so precious and so kind. Humans lighting the way for other humans is probably the best of humanity as a whole. (Theme from Lamott, 2018, p. 98).

This book holds a beautiful wrap-up that if this review has done anything for, is worthy of reading again. It’s a beautiful tight bow to everything that was covered. Maybe that’s enough of a tease for you to get it out at your local library or maybe the entirety of this review has made you say “Nah, I’ll pass.” That’s okay. Both can be true, just for different people.

Thank you so much for reading all my rambles here and my interaction with the chosen text for this BES. It was a wild ride. It took a long time to get to the point where I’m able to fully immerse myself and set aside all the time and all the page flags and jotted down notes, to fill in all the empty spaces, read it over again one final time for the editing process and then, finally, finally submitting and publishing it into The Void. It took a long time, it usually does, but after procrastinating on it again and again (and again!), I can finally say it’s done and I can let it go and move on from it to my next few books. Thank goodness. It took long enough!!! Ahahha. Here’s to cheer towards the next books to come!! Rejoice! You’ve made it. Thank you so much for reading and supporting. Sending light and love to all who made it this far. XXX πŸŒ»πŸ”†πŸŒˆπŸ₯‚ I still have so much in store!!! For you, for me, for everyone reading. 🀍😊


THINGS I’D LIKE TO CHECK OUT:

Other works by the author:

  1. Stitches: A handbook on meaning, hope and repair
  2. Crooked little heart
  3. Blue Shoe
  4. Imperfect Birds

Book reference:

  1. The Magnificent Defeat

Quote reference and following book it arises from:

***”You must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on” by Samuel Beckett from “The Unnamable” (ref. p. 180, Lamott, 2018). This seems particularly profound and interesting, powerful and everything. Even the search results on Google were interesting so I want to check out this book some time for sure!! Very cool.


Next up….

Fiction books: “Shut Your Eyes Tight” by John Verdon

Nonfiction books: “A Teen’s Guide to Getting Stuff Done” by Jennifer Shannon LMFT

((Now, if I can actually read these today, that would be an entire miracle!!!!)


TRACKING DATES AND TIMES I READ THIS BOOK:

10/12/2021 (super late evening), 11/5 (evening), 11/6 (brief, early evening), 11/7 (morning), 11/8 (evening), 11/9 (noon), 11/11 (early evening, evening), 11/13 (early morning, morning), 11/14 (early evening to evening).

TRACKING DATES AND TIMES I WROTE THIS REVIEW:

11/14/2021 (late evening), 11/17 (evening at the library), 12/1 (afternoon in the library,) 12/11 (3am), 12/15 (evening, late evening), 12/16 (evening), 12/26 (late afternoon, early evening).

“The Incredible Hulk” (2008) Film Review | MCU Review #2 (Apr. & Nov. 2021)


Β 

MCU Timeline By:

Chronological order of Release Date


Chosen Film/Year:

“The Incredible Hulk” (2008)


Movie Rating:

PG-13


Movie Length:

1 hour and 52 minutes


End Credit Scene:

One.


Directors/Screenplay Writers:

Louis Leterrier

Zak Penn


Genre:

Action, science fiction, adventure, superhero, thriller


Trigger Warnings:

Violence, drug use, sexual content, language, PTSD, trauma, paranoia, death.


Themes:

Weapons of mass destruction, militarization, superheroes, villains, romance, imprisonment, caged, heart monitors, running, avoidance, power hungry, antidotes, getting rid of unwanted characteristics vs controlling it (in this case, being Hulk), saving the day, anger, love, hate, on the run, escapism, supersoldier, safety/unsafe, flashbacks, scientists, lies, “[Banner’s whole body is considered] government property”, emotional, rescue, gamma poisoning, traveling.


Where I watched it from:

Amazon Prime Video


Plot Summary:

As previously done in my “Iron Man” review, I will not be writing my own version of “The Incredible Hulk’s” plot summary, rather instead listing some other accounts of people who’ve done it far better than I ever could. πŸ’šπŸ–€

  1. Link 1 from Roger Ebert
  2. Link 2 from James Berardinelli at ReelViewsΒ 
  3. Link 3 from Wulff Den on Youtube

**If you happen to write MCU reviews and would like me to shout you out in the future with the corresponding movie, just let me know in a comment or email via by Contact page or my other social media. Thanks for contributing!!


Memorable Quotes or Scenes:

  • When the army leader told Tim Roth’s character about the Hulk and Roth was confused but the guy just said, “It was Banner.” That just really struck me and really stood out to me. I think it highlights the fact that everyone (or almost everyone, at least the big people in charge) were treating Banner and the Hulk and the situation like an object and a weapon of mass destruction rather than seeing and believing in his human side and that he’s not just some menace out to rule the streets. I don’t know, I thought that that was important. (Especially with the contrast we get and see with Roth’s character, hot damn. Banner was just out here living his best life (or trying to) and he wanted few things but the simplest and most basic of those needs just weren’t met. Sad.)
  • This movie overall to me is just very saddening and maddening.
  • The thematic concept of cures vs getting rid of things vs controlling things vs acceptance
  • The “[we] gotta try” sacrifice. Always a classic
  • Concept piece of: “you’re not a monster” or you’re not a murderer
  • “What if I told you we were building a team together?” I forget who said this but dun dun dunnnnn. Foreshadowing haha
  • I suppose it is a good thing to also wonder what the aftermath was like for Banner after he ran away at the end of this movie and the strain of the relationship he has with authority and how that is brought back into play in later films (Looking at you, Civil War–even though, yeah, Hulk wasn’t in that but if he had been, what side would he have been on?)

Emotional Intensity:

Anger, very well done but super heartbreaking, unsatisfactory and doesn’t allow me to repeatedly watch the movie over and over again (limited viewership)


Fan Fiction Ideas/Themes to Explore in My Fics:

  1. Insecurity
  2. Sacrifice
  3. Cures vs acceptance (the golden apple vs acceptance)
  4. Sadness
  5. Anger
  6. Not deserving happy things or romance
  7. Paranoia
  8. Distrust
  9. Being controlled or manipulated by others
  10. Power
  11. Struggle
  12. US military
  13. Weapons
  14. “Monsters” (what makes someone a monster? Could definitely overlap well with Loki!)
  15. Worth
  16. Running
  17. Danger
  18. “Home” (what is a home? What makes it a home?)
  19. Safety/lack of safety
  20. Stopping from killing
  21. Romantic interest’s love and understanding
  22. Being suspicious of others’ intentions
  23. PTSD
  24. How the military attacked Hulk rather than approached carefully, diplomatically and delicately
  25. Family life (or lack thereof; not allowing one’s self a family life, goes back into deserving and worth and paranoia)
  26. Strength
  27. Resiliency
  28. Eventual understanding instead of an us vs them
  29. Science
  30. Hope
  31. Death

Estimated Timeline of When I First Watched this Movie:

Phhhhewww, what a GOOD question. I mean, besides this rewatch for the review… definitely a few years ago. Probably after I watched the Avengers. I think it bothered me just as much then as it did this year hahaha. This isn’t a super memorable film for me and not something I’d watch over and over but I know at some point I did watch it, maybe just on regular TV or eventually a DVD. Probs took it out at least once from the library itself (which I’ll be doing again soon with my partner, yay (as such it’s a big push and pull to get this review finally published while it’s still 2021 hah)).


Subtle or Overt Preparation for Future (or past) Films:

Definitely the introduction to the Avengers and putting together a team. That’s for sure. I think also that contemplation of which side Banner would have been on if he had been in Civil War is a good question and potential wonderful fan fiction idea someone should write about (if they haven’t already). Of course this film drew on the first film’s full on original backstory of Banner but like that one I can’t stand to rewatch it too much. It’s a good movie, this one, it’s just so frustrating. And really sad because I love this science bro and that’s tough to see him struggle so much. But I do think I have a lot more ground in store for my own Loki centered Avengers fanfics based on having rewatched this movie (regardless of all the avoidance, stress, procrastination and more that went on in the months after I fully sat down to watch it. Let’s just hope Thor doesn’t take quite as long.) I also liked that concept of being “a monster” because that’s heavily in play with characters upcoming like Loki. Also it’s great to see more of the mental health representation in these MCU movies too. So, yeah! Good job!! Thanks for reading ahaha


Recommendation Score:

6/10


Upcoming Movie:

….”Iron Man 2″ (May 2010)….


Technical information regarding this post:

This post began with the showing of the film April 5th 2021 at 
4pm with some notes in progress, Apr. 5th for outline of review
online and then working on the review itself Apr. 6th around 7p.
Worked on again Apr. 7th at 12:30p - 1:30p.
Worked on again Apr. 29th at 9p, 10p.
Worked on last: April 30th 2021.
Revised, edited, completed, finished now on Nov. 17th 2021.
Can't believe it's been that long. Le sigh.


Thank youuuuu!!!

Thank you so much for sticking by me and reading!! If you got this far, leave a green heart emoticon down in the comments! πŸ’šπŸ’š I’m sooooo sorry this review took as long as it did. Ooof. Also I apologize for my most random of disappearances. Not just on here, but also on Twitter. New job, my partner, Fai (who my last post was about), friends, trainings for a new job and reading some books or not reading books and then reading books and now being stuck trying to publish some backlogged posts (like for books) as well as with this series and then actually finally finish watching Thor so I can get even FURTHER along in the MCU… plus the countless hours of procrastination, avoidance, anxiety, stress and poor time management. Yeah, it all led to here. How exhausting. But, we’re here now and that’s what counts. More to come very soon. See you all then!! XXX

Feeling Low: Job, Twitter, MCU…Life


Today: I’m feeling low.

I don’t even know how I want this blog post to go.

I just know that I want to capture what I’m feeling and thinking for a frozen moment. Frozen in time, suspended, distilled, captured. In the hopes that I can move on from it. Be unleashed. Free. Liberated. Safe.

The words don’t come easily. I feel the twirling fan’s breath on my exposed arms, a hooded, soft gray blanket dispersed over my head making me look like a nun. Or… Yoda. I want to turn it off, but I don’t because it’s grounding. My iPod is nearby, shouting out music, but it’s never quite high enough, no matter how much I turn it up. It’s never quite enough. And the mind, the mind I have, with the fumbling fingers on the keys, constantly making mistakes, constantly having to go back a space to fix them, still, that mind is swirling. Thoughts are coming half-formed and fully formed. Emotions the height of a tsunami, threatening to overtake me, wash me with its ruin. I’m caught in it, for a moment, I’m caught in it.

Maybe, no, maybe that last song was good. Hmm, maybe I’ll play it back once more:

MIIA – Dynasty

The tabs are open. The links don’t do what I want. The annoyance is there, bubbling to the surface, then, just really formed into disappointment. I remind myself to turn on the repeat function on my iPod along the same time I can smell the sweat from my feet, hunched over, legs on top of one another, crouching before the laptop, from a day’s activities, a day’s work, I think to myself to take them off, maybe even take off all the layers, so I can be comfortable in my pajamas. But I don’t really move. I don’t really move to do any of that.

Too caught up in the words. Caught up in the stories.

No, I change my mind. Place the song on repeat. Crack my neck. Unleash one sock… Then two. The smell still remains.

I’m tired.

I notice it more now, in the crux between the music keys and the way I sludge forwards, onwards, into the mix.

What was I talking about before?

Oh, right.

Feeling low.

…… Where do I begin?

There’s so many avenues to start the story, and each would play across the right one.

I guess, I’m unhappy with my job. I’m unhappy with my place in the world. I want more, and…less. My avoidance is chipping away my soul, slowly at a time, so that I don’t notice it until I realize “No, I can’t do that.” Because my world is spinning and crumbling, ever so slowly, ever so smaller.

My job isn’t where I thought I’d be by now. It’s not the job I thought I’d get after graduating university. It’s, in some parts, not even the job I wanted. But it’s the job I got, and it’s the job I’ve been at and been trying to learn and grow and succeed and go forward.

But I find myself… craving, wanting more. Wanting something different.

But I’m terrified on how or if I’ll ever get there.

I’ve been talking about my dreams with new friends online lately. And it’s reminded me a lot of my dreams. And how what I’m doing now, doesn’t really feel like it’s cutting it anymore. Or, at least, it’s just starting to dawn on me that this may be the case.

But how do I go from here to there? To the land of my dreams?

I want, or I think I want, to go into Certified Peer Specialist.

It’s just…. complicated. I have to factor in the fact that I’d probably work for an agency, that I have to get trained and pass a test, that I have to carve out more hours of my time for actual work, that I’ll be expected in Clinicals and DRIVING peers around, the fears of that, the responsibilities and the strangeness of it all. I’d have to get certified. I’d have to get gas coverage (in the sense that maybe there’d be mileage reimbursement but also I’d be hefting over part of my salary, likely, to the never-ending need for more fuel). I’d maybe still only be earning what I do now.

But, would it be more fulfilling?

Would all of it, everything considered, be worth it? And when would it happen? Soon? A year from now? How do I get from here to there?

I know I have to start small. I know I have the tools ready for me. I’m just… scared. Overwhelmed. Unhappy.

I’m craving more advocacy work. I think that’s what I’m missing now. Summers are always slow for presentations at NAMI and I haven’t had one all month so maybe that’s a factor. Maybe the other factor is that I’ve been talking of my dreams this week. Reminding myself of my potential and how much I don’t want THIS job to be my end goal. It was always just supposed to be a stepping stone. And maybe, maybe I’m finding that I’m finally ready to move onto the next one. I want to go into advocacy work of public speaking, give a TEDtalk one day, build up my 4 main recovery art projects, share my story, write and publish books, etc. So, so, so much more than this.

And it’s taken me a while to get here. I… maybe because of the BPD have … intense attachments. Hell, whenever I take out a book from the library I get too attached–even when the book is past due and I’m accruing fines, I can’t let it go, not when I haven’t completed my end of the deal with it. I most often override this but it’s still a functionality of my personality. At Passages I was the same way, thinking me and my DBT-Intensive crew were a team and flabbergasted when finding out that they were going to go on their own way before the ‘true’ end date. I have problems with attachment. Even if I’m mulling over an item in the store to buy, I get attached, I start to ‘see’ it in use in my life, and once that’s there, I don’t want to leave it behind without buying it. Again, attachments.

So for me, what I’m trying to say is, for me to get to the point where I’m starting to think: Maybe it’s time now, is pretty big. And yeah, I’m afraid in some parts because a few of my co-workers in the last month tried to leave for another job and now they’re back again. So, maybe I’d be the same?

But this was never my end goal. And maybe CPS will be it, for a while. Maybe just blooming into more of that advocacy work, the work I really want to do, maybe that’ll be everything.

I’ve been thinking lately, I don’t have all my advocacy work like from when I was at university. I think I miss that, am missing that. Maybe even finding odd jobs for paid writing work would help, too. I’m just kinda tired. I want more and I’m realizing I have to be the one out there to get it.

So, alas, I find myself wondering:

How do I get from here to there?

And, I’m not sure, not entirely.

Obviously I’d overlap the two careers before I moved on officially, just to see if I’d even like it to begin with. And then, I mean, I guess I just start making little goals? Maybe like a road map or a vision board of my dreams and start plugging away at it a little at a time. I also want to start by asking some of my NAMI co-presenters how they’ve gotten into the field (at least two are in CPS work) and then start that way, too.

Mmm, I’m feeling a bit more hopeful now with that idea.

With my calves hurting (curse those hills at work!), with a newfound determination, I’m going to work on what I can for the rest of tonight: mainly, mayb– oh!

Twitter & MCU: I’m still a lengthy amount of movies and time away from properly watching and being in the loop about everything happening with the “Loki” Disney+ series. So, with less than 10 mins on my Twitter timeline today, I’ve officially decided that I have to now avoid it for the rest of time (at least until I’m more in the loop and caught up, which will probs be July ahaha, did I say that? I meant AUG! Let’s be honest). Soooo that sucks. Also, I just haven’t been as active on Twitter this week. I’ve been discreetly uploading these avenues of content WITHOUT placing it on there: fanfic, videos, blog posts. So maybe one day but not any time that near.

And as for life, I’ve covered the fact that my avoidance bullshit is getting in the way a lot. And I won’t be leaving my job any time soon either, but I’m gonna start chipping away at it. Find trainings I can attend to, roles within the peer support arena, continuing to craft my online presence, teach some classes, do (when the time is right) presentations. Work on my public speaking skills (really rusty on that). Drive around more. List out the pros and cons of my potential decisions. And just grim face and bear the rest as much as I can. It’s not something I’ll have solved tomorrow. But we all start somewhere.

So for now, I’m going to answer a few online messages/emails and texts, read a book, go to bed early tonight, take my meds, eat dinner, network, listen to music and just get ready for the hellhole that tomorrow will bring.

Anyways, that’s it for me. I’ll either shower tonight or tomorrow, just want to make sure I do before Mon when I go to visit my partner! And maybe tomorrow I’ll watch the rest of Thor!!

All right, guys, thanks so much for reading. Do you have any tips or advice for how you made different career plans in your own life? Jumping from one job to a whole new one?

I’ll see you guys next week.

πŸ–€πŸ–€πŸ–€πŸ–€

PS There is ONE last thing I didn’t quite cover here but that I had thought of for the ‘Life’ category: the slow burn acceptance that my previous mental health problems and complications (i.e chronic suicidality) will probably be something I always have to deal with. More so in the sense that my automatic go to within my mind and body is to end everything, though I am now EONS away from ever, ever acting on those thoughts now. Regardless, I’m thinking like with most recoveries, the thoughts and emotions will always be there, just the behaviors are up to me. Which, is … nice, in some ways, and empowering and also frustratingly disappointing. But, alas, such is life. I can realize it, recognize it and do the opposite of it. Which is what I will do. Don’t worry, I’m safe!! Just something that popped into my head while at home, after work, before I started writing this post.

“Iron Man” (2008) Film Review | MCU Review #1 (Mar-Apr. 2021)

A fresh new thumb dedicated just to Marvel Cinematic Universe related movies and shows. What do you think? 🧑

MCU Timeline By:

Chronological order of Release Date


Chosen Film/Year:

“Iron Man” (2008)


Movie Rating:

PG-13


Movie Length:

2 hours and 7 minutes


End Credit Scene:

One.


Directors, Screenplay Writers:

Jon Favreau

Mark Fergus, Hawk Ostby, Art Marcum, and Matt Holloway


Genre:

Science fiction, Action, Adventure


Trigger Warnings:

Torture, substance use (alcohol; tobacco), trauma, manipulation, war/weapons of mass destruction, PTSD, character death, “crazy” reference.


Themes:

Humor (sarcasm), back-stabbing, betrayal, trust issues, demilitarization, respect/disrespect, responsibilities, heroes, superheroes, feels, grief, ease of emotional expression/body language, cheeseburgers, ethics/morality, determination, grit, perseverance, not giving up, self-sacrifice, saving the world, high stakes, suspense and action, honesty, hope, financial gain, “I am Iron Man.” πŸ–€πŸ–€πŸ–€


Watched from:

Disney+


Plot Summary:

I’m doing something differently for this section in the majority of my MCU film reviews because I’ll be showcasing two to three other people’s content regarding the summary of the movies so that one, it’s not forever long from me and two, because I’m sure others have made it far more concise and user-friendly and three, because it’s been so long most of the time since I’ve watched the movies or I’m just late in the game of reviewing them so I think shouting out what others’ hard work exists out there rather than having the focus, like with the rest of the review, be just about me. Let me know what you think of this choice in the comments!! 😜πŸ€ͺ

  1. Link 1 from the critic Roger Ebret
  2. Link 2 from Β  James Β  Rocchi of Common Sense Media
  3. Link 3 from John Campea on The Movie Blog
(*this section was finally completed as of Apr. 2021, 
about one month since I watched the film and started
this review, as it were.)

Emotional Intensity Along with Character Development Commentary and Scoring:

This film is so emotional: outlined below especially and because it covers such vast and tough subjects. It doesn’t shy away from talking about intense stuff or showing intense stuff (see above trigger warnings as appropriate). It also paints a clear picture of who Tony was before he was captured and how some of that experience changed him afterwards (and we are teased some introduction to Tony and the loss he has already faced in his life). Luckily his snark and humor outlasted him but he definitely did change when he decided he was no longer going to support the mission of his and his father’s reputation which was to build weapons of mass destruction. He learned where they were really going and who they were affecting and he chose to no longer be a part of that story line which is immensely commendable and so, so wonderful to see play out. He’s still arrogant at times but we see such growth. We see him fight for a cause and his determination and perseverance and self-sacrifice really, really shine. He becomes enamored with a new mission and that’s to protect the world and all the people in it, which carries on endlessly throughout the franchise.

Additionally, Robert’s emotional capacity to show this through his body language and facial expressions is so spot-on, and that’s not even mentioning yet his chemistry with his hetero love interest Pepper Potts. Their chemistry is so refreshing and if I wasn’t a total FrostIron shipper, I’d definitely ship Pepperony next. There’s just SO MUCH to unpack in just this performance and I can’t wait to jump aboard as we go further and further into the franchise, yet again.

So, I have to say for emotional intensity and the immense suspense of the movie and the twists and turns it made all along the way, the transitions of the movie and the quick-wittedness it held, this movie definitely landed for me with an emotional intensity/character development of:

8/10

The emotional range definitely kept me interested, intrigued and captured myself. I was in it for the long haul and I probably would have scored it higher if it hadn’t been a month since I last watched it in full. Buuuuut, I also think this movie has a great re-watchability factor. So that is equally wonderful. Now, onto the rest of this review!!


Memorable Quotes or Scenes:

  1. (Yinsen to Tony) “Is that how you want to go out? Is this the last act of defiance of the great Tony Stark? Or are you going to do something about it?”

Tony (despondent and depressed): “They’re gonna kill me, you, either way. And if they don’t, I’ll probably be dead in a week.”

Yinsen: “Well then, this is a very important week for you, isn’t it?”

I had to go back into the movie to make sure I heard this right and it was within the same conversation but, god, man, I loved Yinsen. That look of determination that crosses Tony’s face after Yinsen challenges his thought processes from how hopeless and desperate he feels, is just… chef’s kiss. It’s the right amount of push, motivation and inspiration that Tony and the viewer needed and is everything, I swear. The concept of just giving up can be so tempting but placed into this situation and prompted by Yinsen, it was immediately eliminated as a choice, an option, and it’s just so beautiful, I think!!!

2. (Tony to Yinsen) “Thank you for saving me.”

Yinsen: “Don’t waste it. Don’t waste your life.”

I’m loving these recurring themes of not wasting your life (from S17 of Grey’s Anatomy, the book I just finished with the acronym FOMO, etc.) (which I’ve done for the last year or so with my Youtube addiction) so it’s especially refreshing and important to me. This scene was SO EMOTIONAL too, as we find out that Yinsen’s family had already passed on and that’s why he was going to be seeing them again soon. Yinsen, too, had sacrificed himself to give Tony more time to escape and live his own life, forming a family and getting a second chance to make things right. It’s so beautiful and tear-jerking. Especially within the context that we know in Endgame that he got that family he wanted and unfortunately, left it behind in his last, ultimate sacrifice. πŸ–€πŸ–€πŸ–€πŸ–€

3. Tony to Pepper: “There is nothing except this. There’s the next mission and nothing else….. I shouldn’t be alive. Unless it was for a reason. I’m not crazy, Pep. I just finally know what I have to do and I know in my heart that it’s right”Β 

😭😭😭 Once again, the intention and fixation Tony has had on protecting people and the world from their own selves has been present, most certainly, since the beginning. The character development to get to this post is nothing short of amazing and the post-traumatic growth was heightened for sure. I just wish he could have gone on to experience this everlasting peace while he was still alive, in the end. But, I’m kinda jumping ahead a little. By like, twenty movies, haha. I think that intensity of wanting to do right when he’d done wrong for so long really, really matters so much. It was his drive and his self-proclaimed mission and venture. And he did it to the best that he could, and he achieved it for others to carry it forwards on their own shoulders. A true hero. Now I’m gonna start crying next…


Fan fiction Ideas and Themes to Explore in My Fics:

  • I feel like exploring some fanfic or plot where Tony talks to Loki about Phil’s death and does come to understand that Loki was also being mind controlled by Thanos/the Other and that they just nestle their foreheads together in quiet acceptance, wishing for things to have played out differently and still loving each other all the same. Maybe like some distrust at first and then some understanding even if not liking what happened. I don’t know, I just have that forehead nestling image in my mind right now, and I always kinda forget that Phil’s death was caused by Loki and how that is handled (or not) in fics themselves. So, this could be a meaningful one-shot for me to explore. 🀐😭😱
  • If I wasn’t such a FrostIron shipper, I’d totally get behind Pepperony. Their chemistry with each other is UNMATCHED. I loved it and could really respect the fandom πŸ˜†πŸ˜—
  • There’s a scene where Rhodey questions Tony for not having enough respect for other people’s time (shown in how he doesn’t arrive to galas and conventions or making speeches for award shows, etc.) as well as his own self–I thought this nature of potential trauma and self-centeredness would be excellent to explore in a fic. Like, the insecurities that lies behind the front and uncertainty in his own belief of himself and just not respecting himself (lack of self-respect)/unworthiness. I thought that was particularly interesting
  • I also think more of a reflection and insight into Tony and Yinsen’s relationship would be wonderful to explore as well. Whether that’s him mentioning it to the team more or confiding it into Loki and their relationship as well. Maybe I could even adapt it into some of my fics like D&D, the mental health/eating disorder one. There’s definitely potential here. I have seen a couple of fics that explored this too or covered it in some way and I think it’s definitely something worth expanding and commenting upon.
  • The classic cheeseburgers. πŸ’”πŸ’”
  • Trust issues (understandably)
  • Trauma denial (not sleeping enough, not eating enough, being obsessive and fixating on certain topics, over working himself, etc.)
  • Responsibility and maybe even instances of over-responsibility (thinking the weight of the world does in fact reside on his shoulders and only his, which may be a relief when other heroes join the mix in the future)
  • Abandonment: (I might explore this in the emotional intensity section above but since I’m writing this section first….) Now that Tony was saying he no longer wanted to create weapons for the military to use against the war on terror (because they were ending up in the wrong hands and he was actually taking responsibility for his work and the damage his reputation and more had already transpired) than no one wanted to be supporting him in this highly ethical and morally just situation/change of heart he had. It’s like the moment he switched gears, people regarded him as “crazy” and didn’t take him seriously or thought badly of him because he was no longer doing what they wanted. It was super frustrating and luckily he called out Pepper on this thinking too (listed above) and then she had a better understanding of his motivations and what he wanted to do. But it just sucks that Rhodey and Obadiah (even if he was the villain so it made sense why he felt threatened) weren’t there for Tony in the same way he would be there emotionally (physically?) for them. Like, once he wasn’t doing what they wanted they saw little use for him. So, that sucks. That kind of abandonment would be nice to explore in a story and the unjust nature of that, the moral dilemmas and second guessing one’s ability, etc.
  • I don’t know why Tony doesn’t like to be handed things so if anyone could enlighten me on that ’cause I know that’s a theme, that’d be great!!
  • I also just want to highlight the fact that Tony was self-sacrificing even as early on as this movie, like when he was climbing altitude fast with Obadiah when his suit power was low and again, even if you think about it, with Yinsen and escaping the terrorists and then again when he told Pepper to push the surge from the arc reactor even when he was in the way, knowing it was the only way to stop Obadiah. So, he’s always been like that even as far early on as here. I think exploring this further with like specifics in conversation, probably off-handedly would fit his character (humor/dismissive nature towards help and support) and be something he’d do, haha.
  • Parallels of the sand landing in this movie and the clip for the “Loki” series on Disney+ πŸ˜…πŸ˜‰
  • What were the 3 months Tony was held in captivity like for everyone else around him?
  • I find it a little surprising that Tony would be against the military involvement with his suits and future paths of his company yet be for them when it comes to “Civil War”, but then again, I never really understood the depth and bureaucracy behind that later movie (maybe watching it anew and fresh will help, or reading about it more, etc.)
  • A one-shot exploring the thanks Tony gives to Dum-E would be appropriate, needed and the kind of fluff we all deserve. πŸ§‘β€πŸ’›

Subtle or Overt Preparation for Future Movies:

There was definitely a presence of the character Agent Phil Coulson from SHIELD throughout this movie. He served especially helpful towards Pepper Potts when she needed his help and aid to get away from Obadiah after copying over the files he had about making his own iron man suit as a weapon for the military and keeping/aiding fugitives from other countries (as well as being the one behind getting Tony killed in the first place). So, there was that. Coulson is also featured at the end, preparing Tony with the talk about SHIELD and how to handle the press, encouraging and expecting Stark to not alert the authorities to his true identity (and we all know how that really panned out πŸ˜‰). There was also the end credit scene where Nick Fury himself came to Stark’s home and spoke about the Avengers Initiative. Of course, if we fast forward to other movies (like Captain Marvel) we know why and how the Avengers Initiative got created in the first place along with what the next steps are going forwards. I think that’s all I really remember from this movie now so that’s where I’ll end this section.


Estimated Timeline & Setting of When I Watched this Movie the First Time:

Honestly, I’m not sure when was the first time that I watched this movie in particular. I know that I only became an MCU fan in summer of 2014. I got introduced into the entire MCU then when I started to watch movie clips from Thor (2011) on Youtube and became very intrigued and interested in Loki. Then I watched scenes from Avengers (2012) and I read lots of fan fiction about the Avengers and Loki (my all time favorite story is the well-deserved popularity of “Drown” by Ordis here) and I really, really fell in love. I wound up watching Iron Man 2 and Iron Man 3 thinking the Avengers scene with Loki were in there (they weren’t) until I finally watched Avengers with my Mom and for the first two hours thinking to myself Aw, shit, it’s not this movie either, but then it WAS. Some time between then and the coming years I saw parts of and then the full Iron Man film that I watched, again, this time in March 2021 for this review and to really make myself feel and cry when the inevitability of Thanos happens and all of that jazz. I guess I just wanted to REALLY feel it again, that pain, but that love too. That…humanity and that kindness and love and wonder. I love Iron Man, he’s my favorite right after Loki. Is it any wonder that I’m a FrostIron shipper? Ahhaha.

I thought it’d also be excellent to re-immerse myself into the characters and plots so as a better way to improve my fanfics and above and beyond, as you probably already read about above. It took me a long while to work on this review and I’m hoping once it’s done, I’ll be able to breathe a little easier. But yeah, that’s been how I engaged with the MCU and in particular this one film. It was a very convoluted way of getting there, to the end with the MCU, but it’s how I managed to do it ahaha. Did I mention I had also watched a lot of Thor and Loki fan videos as part of the process? It was that, the movie clips themselves and then the fan fictions. I read about “Drown” before I searched for the movies so the torture thing for Loki was always already head canon for me. Okay, I’ll move on to the next section now!!! (–April 6th 2021)


My Final Thoughts:

It took me three hours to properly view this film for this review plus two or three more hours thereafter to craft the outline of this review, begin writing it, procrastinating from it, then writing, finishing and editing and publishing it from April 2021 for another three hours, gah. But I’d say it was pretty successful!! I’m nervous and on edge that I have to watch like 2 or 3 MCU movies per week for the next two months to get on more/better track of watching new stuff coming out (in particular, naturally, “Loki” series, “WandaVision” and “The Falcon and the Winter Soldier” plus the movie “Black Widow” etc.) I definitely could have gone without wasting an entire month of my time but it is what it is so I just have to accept it, focus straight ahead and move onward. So, that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m nervous that this review won’t be as “perfect” as I’d like it to be but if I keep waiting for that, I’ll be waiting forever. I have some other reviews and posts in the works behind the scenes but lost either concentration, flow or drive to finish them or getting on top of a few other things and letting the others slip away from my grasp, yet again. It’s a process. Sigh.

I hope that you enjoyed reading this review though!! And please check out the mentioned stories and reviews from others! If you happen to read this and you write reviews for MCU movies and you’d like to be shouted out or your work seen from my own words, let me know in a comment or an email via my Contact page!!! I’d be happy to shout you out and showcase some of your work. Or if you even write fanfics yourself!! πŸ€—πŸ₯°πŸ€©

But yes, overall, thank you so much for reading and stopping by!! Let me know what you’d like to see next and I’m gonna be trying to network more in the coming future and all that jazz. If you’d like me to check out a particular post of yours, just let me know. Sending you all light, love and the power it means to be a hero. πŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’™

P.S. My thinking is that I’ll be about a movie ahead when doing these reviews, so for instance, I plan to edit and publish this today Apr. 6th 2021, work on TIH review to be scheduled later this week, and watch IM2 tonight/tomorrow and then work on that review, watch the next movie, publish the previous movie’s review, etc. I hope that makes sense!

PPS I took out the ‘cinematography’ section because I think the emotional intensity section can better cover that area/I can mention it there, and I don’t want to work on this review any longer (it’s been 2.5 hours again) and want to just get it up sooner without having to rewatch a second/third time all over again, so that’s what I’m doing and why.


Recommendation Score:

5/5


Upcoming movie….

The Incredible Hulk (2008)


Information behind the scenes for this post:

Viewing for this review where I wrote brief notes, memorable quotes 
and things to that effect took place Sunday March 7th 2021 from
8:15p - 11:15p. I began typing the skeleton of this post on March 8th 2021
from 10a - 11a. The rest of the post was completed around 4p - 7p on
April 6th 2021. I did various sections, about 8 or 9 of them,
on this day so the majority was written in April even though I watched
and started it back in March, one month ago. β€πŸ’›β€πŸ–€

Music that helped to listen to in the background to craft this review: burn the house down by AJR, there’s a place by Roo Panes, lonely by Violet Skies, lose somebody by Kygo and One Republic, a 1 hour compilation of Tony Stark ambient sounds.

Mourning Review (and Processing) After Avengers: Endgame | !!Warning: Spoilers!!

This is not a film review.

This is a mourning and processing review.

This is spoiler filled so if you don’t want that, you better click away!

This is me in sorrow. This is me in pain. This is me feeling loss to a world that is painful. To a world that doesn’t entirely exist on its own but feels like it does so very, very much. This is me coming to understanding. This is me grappling with such immense loss…loss of characters so influential, so heroic, so life-changing and life-saving even. This isn’t exactly me saying #ThankYouAvengers ’cause I’m still kinda pissed. I am mourning. I have been deeply affected by a world of heroes that were never in my control. I wish to mourn and share my ache with those of you who are just beginning to watch the same film I did and possibly take something different and foreign and yet all the same emotions and thoughts from it. I stand with you. We will make it through this…together. Whatever it takes. With love to 3000. Let’s begin.


***SPOILER WARNING***


….

!!!!

Natasha Romanoff.

Tony Stark.

Steve Rogers.

These are the ones we lost.

Tony’s death is the one that sticks out the most for me. I feel like my soul has been shredded to pieces. I am emotionally wrecked. Like a sinking ship. A deserted island. I’m in shock. I don’t want it to be true, but it is and it sucks and life feels so much less meaningful now.

And it’s not like I could have ever done anything about it, you know? I was powerless. Just as powerless as you.

And I know, I know part of the journey is the end. And they did win, this time, they won. But it still hurts. It hurts very deeply and very badly.

I’m never gonna look at cheeseburgers the same way (and Morgan, right? When she said that and Happy spoke to her, I cried all over again).

And the funeral, man I cried then too.

The moment when Tony passed–if the movie had ended right then and there I would have legitimately BAWLED and SOBBED–but it didn’t so I had to clear my eyes and get rid of the snot from my nose as I started to cry again in other parts.

And then Steve at the bench, having grown old… God damn it, then I was crying too.

And even when Natasha sacrificed herself for the soul stone, I shed a few tears then. But it wasn’t like with Iron Man, you know? It just wasn’t.

Iron Man was my second favorite character (the first being Loki, as if that’s much of a surprise, ahaha). I wish I could have seen Loki fighting in the final battle. That’s something I want to write into the story line from a pure fan fiction point of view. I also want to write a fic where Tony and Loki re-unite (FrostIron for sure, is that any surprise, either? XD) in the afterlife. Probably something I can just put my energy back into and try to move on as best as I can from these cinematic sacrifices.

I wish Vision could have been there, too.

And the movie was so much about trying again, trying to start over but always having that doubt in mind that things could have been different. Having the opportunity to have second chances–with Thor and his Mom, The Ancient One and Hulk, Tony and his Dad, Steve and Peggy–all of it, just … hits me in the gut.

I love, I truly do love that Steve got to live a life with Peggy and grow old but it’s so, sooo sad to see him go. To see everything as it happened, and without any end credits scenes just gutted me. My processing song for this post is: Sum 41’s “Crash” (fitting, I find).

I really thought it was going to be Barton that sacrificed himself, and it was a close call for sure, and when Nat just said “It’s going to be okay” and leapt…

And even their meeting after back in the present day (five years after Thanos snapped his fingers when AIW ended) talking about Nat and wanting her to be there… shit, man.

And then there was the whole time travel component.

And Tony had a family.

And at first it confused me that them saying they wouldn’t mess with the past and the present day at the 5 year mark would be intact was something I missed at watching the movie (i.e. My Mom explained it to me in the car later). Which makes sense as to why Morgan is still alive and everything (I loved that Pepper joined in within the fight, too).

I think it was really Peter begging for Tony to stay that got me.

I mean, I knew, I thought he wasn’t going to make it, but shit, I wasn’t ready for it. Not like this. Even with Cap I wasn’t ready for it.

And there’s just this void in me now. Like, I want to go see it again now (I already got tickets to see it again with a friend who hasn’t seen it yet for Monday evening) but it’s just so fresh even now.

And when Pepper told Tony that it was okay and “You can rest now.”

Dude, I’m just in tears.

I feel so shattered. I feel like a husk of a soul. Carnage.

And I teared up when everyone was there to fight the final battle, that was lovely and so awesome and inspiring and fantastic.

But that loss, man. That final, “I am Iron Man”. I mean, I was nervous when the movie started and Tony was so sickly and then for everything to come full circle and for him to wield the stones to vanish Thanos but that taking everything out of him…

I don’t think I realized how attached to these characters I was, until, it was too late. They were gone. And I guess that’s how life and death tends to be, isn’t it? Like I genuinely just feel like curling up in a ball and sobbing for the next year.

And when Cap at the end let Sam hold his shield. And to have passed that on. Oh god!

And they got to play Tony’s last message and everyone was there for him at the funeral. I swear, I feel like I’m not going to be the same. I mentioned the thing about the cheeseburgers, right? Because I swear shawarma and cheeseburgers I’ll never look at in the same way again.

There was comedic relief spliced into the story, too, don’t get me wrong.

It was shocking and funny to see how much Thor let himself go and how human he was because he’d chopped off Thanos’s head and then drank himself into a stupor after and got fat and when presented with his mother again he spoke to her at length (I kinda wished he’d done more with Loki though, to be honest) and tried to warn her about her own death to come but she knew, I think, and she accepted it.

It was a very meaningful exchange. It was interesting to see too what else happened after the Avengers movie had ended where it did, why Loki got a muzzle and how he disappeared when the Tesseract was out in the open. I enjoyed the hurt/comfort nature within this movie.

I also enjoyed when Nebula and Tony were playing with the paper footballs. And I thought it was well done how Clint started off the movie but his family were the ones to disappear. His growth, and really, all their growths were so touching and heartfelt.

I just wish things could have ended differently. And I don’t think I’m ready to accept them for how they are the way they are.

I’m probably going to be busy writing fanfics about this ending and AU’s where things went differently. In part to mourn and in part to move on and carry forwards.

I feel….more clear-headed now. I really needed to process.

I came into this Marvel Cinematic Universe in summer 2014. I fell in love with Thor and Loki through fan videos on Youtube and tons of fanfic stories (“Drown” by Ordis is my utmost favorite). I had the idea of my own fanfic story (the one I now proudly call “Come to Pass”) before I ever made another fanfiction.net account (I had a previous one for House MD but lost the password). I watched Iron Man 3 and Iron Man 2 trying to find the Loki scenes but couldn’t. Eventually I came across Avengers and for the first two hours, felt the scenes weren’t in there either, but then they were and I fell in love. That’s how I got involved into the MCU.

I had seen Iron Man before, not in theaters but on TV, and I always thought that Thor was just another one of those ancient Rome movies my Mom likes, and not actually a superhero movie.

I was a kid when I saw the original Spider-Man movies. The ones with Tobey in them.

And I saw Thor and I saw Captain America and I saw a couple of the Hulk ones and The Winter Soldier on TV and everything. I saw Ant-Man and Doctor Strange and The Dark World, Age of Ultron (I think, can’t recall for sure) on TV too.

I saw Civil War, Ragnarok, Infinity War, Endgame and Homecoming in theaters.

I saw Captain Marvel in theaters too, actually, to be fair.

But in 2016 I started writing my own fanfic stories and publishing them online. I think it was only just this year when I decided I’d write “Come to Pass” the one from when I first got introduced in this magical and life-saving realm.

I mean, honestly, this universe kept me alive for so long. Ragnarok, Infinity War, Endgame… I had to be alive still in order to see them and enjoy their presence and bask in their glow.

And now, with a clearer head and still with an ache, I will find time to write and write passionately. Because I loved these characters. I loved these stories. And life, life always moves on, moving forward no matter how much we want it to stop and stay the same, at times.

I’m sure I’m not over mourning now, in ways I know I’m not, but I may be able to write yet and I will probably read some fanfics to help me to cope and come to terms with everything.

Even with Tony and Natasha and Steve gone in the MCU, in the cinemas, they are still living on in each and every one of us. I don’t know how I’ll be able to stand re-watching old movies they’re in without thinking about their ultimate demise, but maybe that’s not the point. Maybe the point is that they still live, despite everything that wound up happening, they’re still here, they still live and breathe and feel and can be manipulated and explained and understood.

In many ways, they are timeless. Which is a theme you’ll see me talk about more in my book review on “Pet Sematary” (1983).

For now, I think it’s time I pick myself up and move forwards. I don’t know how or if exactly I will go onwards with the MCU. Maybe it ends here, and maybe it doesn’t. I’m curious to see what happens next.

And I will always love Tony Stark and Loki. My two favorites. And they’ll always be with me, moving forwards. And Steve got to be with Peggy, he got to live a life so full and beaming. He got to finish something he had once started.

And I guess, I will find new reasons to stay alive. Maybe to read all the fanfics out there, of others wishing for a different end. It’s amazing the power that fictional characters can have on us.

It’s not goodbye, it’s just… see you later.

Okay, I’m officially crying again but I think this is where the story of this Mourning Review ends.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being. Thank you for existing.

And above all: Thank you Stan Lee for helping to create these masterpieces. This one is to you.

May we all find peace, meaning and trust in the process of this life. And hey, we can always go back and be with them again in other movies and videos and clips. They’re not gone forever. Just for a little while.

 

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RIP Image - Mourning Review

I do not own this image, I found it here.