As someone living with OCD and BPD, saying goodbye and letting go of things is really, really difficult.
But luckily I have amazing music by my side. I’ll be sprinkling that in throughout this post.
This post is also for me, more than for the Reader, but I’ll include some things that have helped me as I navigate this new road, a side street I didn’t realize I’d ever be taking, in my recovery and in my life. It’s too important not to talk about. And I’m tired of being silenced. I have a voice. And that matters.
No more walking on eggshells.
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.
Featured song no. 1: “Second Chance” by Shinedown
This song popped into my mind when I readjusted the title for like the third time for this post. I was thinking of the “Sometimes Goodbye is…” and while I finished it differently, I had that lyric pop into my head and it took a moment to recognize what it was from (and honestly, Google did the rest) but yeah. It was helpful. For me, in this moment of my life, the Second Chance is not an actual second chance for how hurt I feel and why I feel that way. It’s more like, saying goodbye is a second chance…. Wait, that is the lyric right? Ooops. I guess, saying goodbye and putting something to rest is a second chance to just move forwards. I now know things I could have gone my life without knowing but it happened, it’s here. And now: what am I going to do about it? How am I going to curb my reaction to it and how am I going to heal and overcome this? I will also include some close hitting images of quotes I found online.
Honestly, finding other articles and blog posts and things (forums) where people have spoken about the hard things they’ve gone through (particularly with breakups, I’ll give you that) has really, really, really liberated me, validated me and made me feel seen. No one has the perfect recollection or experience similar to mine but maybe I just haven’t found it yet (instead of meaning no one out there has experienced it). And maybe I will one day. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe by that future date, it won’t even matter so much for me to have it or not. Not needing anything more than a goodbye–that’s liberating. It’s freedom. It’s peace. Is it always? Absolutely not. It won’t be. It’s painful. And life is that duality: life is beautiful and life is terrible. Even just finding this old thumb of mine, that I don’t remember making in ways, speaks to that side of me and speaks to the reality of the situation:
“After a breakup realize that you had a life BEFORE them and you can still have a life AFTER them. You just have to find yourself again” — Sonya Parker
A lot of what I’ve read on articles about breakups and forums and such talk about that: that the breakup happened, it’s there, it’s painful, it hurts, AND it’s the BEST time for you to grow, better yourself, overcome your faults and flaws (or at least have it be a work in progress), take the time to focus on you, practice self-care, put your needs first, give yourself self-compassion and self-forgiveness and self-love. You get the drift.
No. 2 song selection (a true bop): “I Should Probably Go to Bed” by Dan + Shay
So, I naturally filmed a few videos today. If you haven’t seen any of mine lately, you may not know that I tested positive for COVID last week and was symptomatic. Luckily I’m doing a lot better but it was an experience for sure! I got VERY creative and was cranking out like 8 videos in one week. Ahahah I was VERY bored. So I filmed a few others today, especially surrounding what happened in my life, and three of those vids have NO CONTEXT whatsoever and are just me self-soothing to music on camera (filming myself when I’m unwell actually provides me a safe space to feel and cry and process out loud, and also, most importantly ensures my safety 100%) while poorly singing and just experiencing and letting go. So, this song popped into my head and it wasn’t in my CL;MA playlist but I added it so all is right in the world again lmao But for me, just the lyric “I should probably go to bed” and turn off my phone and just not engage is SOOOO, so accurate. It genuinely feels like a solid: I should quit while I’m ahead. I should probably be left alone. But I won’t call in the morning. I’ll say goodbye instead and move on.
There’s something nice about moving on, even when it’s really hard and doesn’t happen in NEAT little stages to check off the box each time it happens. Healing, it seems, isn’t linear. It’s a process. And I am healing. I’m back to square one, Ground Zero, but I’m healing. I have to remind myself:
It’s not March. It’s not snowing outside. I am safe. I am in control of my actions. I always have a choice. I am responsible for my own recovery. I can steer this ship safely back to shore–and also that that ship isn’t made to only be on shore, it’s meant to be out at sea, too. Which reminds me of the next song but, ultimately, I do have power here. I do have my feelings and my thoughts and my speech and being. And that is everything. I can wield (and arguably should wield) it more carefully, and I get to wield it. I get to get support for something that has wrecked me. Even if it’s a very complicated, unclear, creative and uncut way of getting support. It’s support. And creativity will be my saving grace. So although I can’t really say some things or everything, I just have to be okay with the story I do tell and be as truthful of where I am in that healing process and get help for it the best way I know how (and without dragging down or shooting out anyone else’s ship. I know that better now. It’s not worth it. I may not have intended for it, but it happened, and it’s way over my pay grade.)
Now, song 3:
Song No. 3: “Wrecked” by Imagine Dragons
I feel this song in about 40 different ways. Especially now. It’s a hard song but it holds so much beauty. So much pain. As life tends to do. I may not have lost something… yet I lost everything. At least, that’s how it felt. When everything happened in March, it was a crumbling. When everything that happened in July occurred, I genuinely felt like my world crashed down and crumbled all around me. There’s something ever so crushing about that–the world gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Until there’s nothing left. Nothing, at least, but darkness. And I don’t wish that on anyone.
I fucked up in some degrees, this is true. I don’t think, at least I’m baffled by it at the moment, that I deserved to be re-traumatized all over again and mentally placed back in Ground Zero after I had worked and put in the time and the effort to be okay. And it all got obliterated within a single moment and single action. And now it’s March to me and you can’t convince my brain otherwise–at least, I have the peripheral awareness that June DID happen and the more crises I had then happened so I really need to get to the roots of my DBT skills again. Move up appointments. Cope healthily. Cope … privately to then be able to cope publicly. There’s a lot of feelings there. A lot. Thanks, BPD. You’re great! 🥴🥴🥴
The pain definitely does come in waves. Time will heal as well. How am I supposed to move on? That’s true. My mind is a place I can’t escape your ghost, absolutely. Especially how I couldn’t fall asleep last night until 4AM and that was even AFTER I re-edited a video I panicked in deleting (and maybe shouldn’t have).
Brink of the edge: I definitely utilized the concept or metaphor or analogy this morning that it felt like I was standing on one leg on the ledge of a 300 foot tall mountain. And I was losing balance and about to tumble down the other side into the large river… but in reality it’s a 3 foot curb and I’ll panic for a moment, feel like the classic “I just almost died” and continue on with my day regardless. It’s that awkward flailing in public and then, pick up your confidence and carry on like that totally didn’t just happen. And, in some ways, it having happened… doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything else beyond that point in time. You can still move on. You can still say goodbye. You can still cope and heal and overcome. It won’t be easy, and it is possible.
I really want to cover more on this subject in a future video: Ending relationships in recovery. Particularly what helped me, how things affected me, the feelings or thoughts that came up, the articles or videos or content that helped me specifically and ways to maybe question or navigate the process through and through. Anyone interested? It’ll take a while, of course. Naturally. Okay, next song.
Song No. 4: “Flowers” by Lauren Spencer Smith
This is a new song that I’ve recently found and have completely and utterly fallen in love with. I’ve listened to it a lot and I really, really enjoy it. It transcends above my current situation but it helps so much and I love Lauren’s voice and her storytelling and what she did creating this piece and processing it out loud, too. Her official music video for it is a MUST see too. My facial recognition is awful so I didn’t even realize it was the same girl in two different relationships (I was very confused) but I have it all figured out now! I also love that final line because it’s so true: If it’s hurting you (in whatever way that might be; things can be healthy and then be unhealthy, etc.) then you should leave and go and get some help. It’s larger than you and your experience and it’s okay and important for you to understand that trauma, heal and move on and go forwards. It’s a beautiful song. I’d also really recommend her song that precedes this, “Fingers Crossed.”
“Who are you to tell me I can’t be heartbroken? Babe, you had the chance, the door for you was open. If it’s what you need to tell yourself to sleep at night, pretend I haven’t found [someone else] who treats me right” >> I love and adore the power behind this. No one deserves to tell you how you can or can’t grieve (even me!). How you can or can’t cope. And especially not if they are saying one thing and then contradict that three seconds later. Everyone processes differently. Some people write songs, some people make videos, some people express their pain, some others bottle it up. Of course there are healthy and unhealthy ways of expressing those needs. If someone is hurt, like how I’m hurt, it blinds them a bit. I’ve been blinded by the pain of my loss and thus I have done some things that were hurtful. And I messed up on that front. A good part of that was my hurt, and I think, at least right now, that I should be able to express that and get some support around that. I’m not blasting names, I’m not blasting socials. It’s carefully construed. I’ve made a new narrative that the reality doesn’t mesh with, and it’s how I chose to speak about it. Could I have done better? Absolutely. I messed up in some parts. I’ll focus now more on my own stuff. It’s just complicated and hard and I haven’t been able to find ways or advice or articles about how to navigate such a particular situation, so it’s hard to know what’s right and what’s wrong and what some people can or will or should know about it all and what is better left unsaid and who it’s and is NOT directed at as the audience involved. I’m tired of being on eggshells and being afraid. I’ll own my part and what I’ve done and find more creative ways of engaging with the material, so to speak. I can feel my pain and express my pain, I just need to find healthier ways of doing that. Focusing on what helps and talking about it and processing it is what I do. I don’t deserve or need to suffer in silence. I can be hurt and heartbroken and shifting into what I need moving forwards (think pro-recovery skills). Again, no names, no direct links. Just expression. And that will be happening in more stories of creativity (meaning original works of short stories and poems, in comments, in my fanfics etc).
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together” — Unknown
Sometimes there is no closure. I had that with Luna, too. I had it with another friend that I fell off with. Actually, probably more than one. Sometimes certain relationships don’t have clear goodbyes. Whether it’s friends, family, strangers, online relationships, partners, viewers and readers, etc. Sometimes there’s not closure. And maybe not all closure is earned, either. Maybe it’s not even a requirement to fully process and move forwards. So, sometimes, just stop chasing it. It’s okay to not have it, too. If it hurts more than it ever did or did before or doesn’t help right now, drop it, don’t let that rip into you. Let it go. Move on. No contact. Take them out of your life. Do what you need to do to move forwards. Again, sometimes goodbye is goodbye. It can be the kindest, sweetest and most necessary thing to leave something that wasn’t healthy: say goodbye, let go and move on. You don’t owe anyone anything else. You don’t have to hear the closure. Sometimes no closure IS closure.
Sometimes you’re better off without it. Especially if it hurts.
One last song:
I lied, two more.
I lied again, one more.
I’ve loved this song for ages. For a solid year or so. At least. It became something I leaned on when issues with Fai arose last Sep. It became something I leaned on when my first breakup happened. It became something so much more. I love the shared timeline and I can absolutely feel that and relate to it in a whole new level now. I listened to this all last night and it’s so true–I had made progress being 3 months no contact and then it was all obliterated–all that work, all that healing, all that more hopeful and promising emotions, the wanting again different things or to say positive things–just vanished suddenly and completely and I couldn’t do anything to get it back, to get back that healing, to not be in March in my mind all over again. It’s awful. And I am having to relearn again that it’s not March, it’s July; it’s a new setback, it’s a continued loss (or is it a fresh new loss too? Can it be both?); it’s an ending, a full on ending. It’s out of my hands. And soon, I hope, it will be out of my mind and then out of my soul. Again, this time to improve myself and work on my things will be crucial. I never got to month four and five to live my life and not think of them but I guess from this new starting point to that future date, it should help a bit.
So, that’s all the things I’m going to say tonight.
There is one last quote I want to share and then one article that helped:
“I had a lot of reasons to give up on you. But I still chose to stay. You had a lot of reasons to stay. But you chose to give up” — Anonymous
Obviously there are many, many, many stories to tell or explanations or experiences.
But I won’t tell them. Only my parts. Only my feelings. It’s a one sided representation but this online social media is mine and only mine. It only makes sense and is more responsible of me to only share that happenings, those goings-ons. So no more speculation. Still cautious sharing; maybe that will get easier, too. I think I am still walking on eggshells. I hate that I am. But maybe that’s only for right now.
It’s complicated. And it’s over.
(In some ways and in other ways it continues on painfully until one day it’s just a faded scar and nothing more. I crave that day soon. I know I have to put in all the work first though. Sigh. You can’t rush healing!)
And now, now I think I can breathe again. With knowing that the war is over, the battle had its bloodshed, it wasn’t easy or nice or cute, but it’s over. The dawn is coming and the darkness will fade. This, too, shall pass. And there can be rebirth. Growth. Change. Health.
And maybe, that makes all the difference this time.
I can cope. I can heal. I can overcome. I will overcome. I will take it one step at a time.
Until another post, friends. Take care of yourselves.
Also the article, I haven’t fully finished reading it but here it is: (and some things don’t apply but I just dismiss those parts of course) Is my ex looking for a reaction from me
PS Stay tuned for an honorable mention future post like this one again for “Unsung Hero (Smeagol’s Song)” by Tiffany Gray because that song legitimately SAVED ME so many times and I feel SO safe whenever I listen to it. 💙💜💚