Will I Ever Be Seen? | A Conversation About The Void… Again


A moment of insecurity. A moment to breathe in the angst and away the sadness and this need to be seen, to be heard, to be noticed. The time will come, Little Grasshopper, just not yet. Maybe just never quite yet….

To see a post I made a few years ago about The Void, find it here.

As of today: It’s April 2022 and we’re in the POV where I came home from work and worked on online social media content for a good 5 hours. I mean, it was a LOT. And I’m exhausted in far more ways than just one but I scheduled my second video to post at noon tomorrow and the one I posted today, a few hours ago (cough cough, shameless self-promotion, because we gotta be like that, it seems) I’m still doing that thing where I hungrily watch the performance by refreshing the page often and trying to guess if there’s going to be a new view or not.

It’s honestly, actually, probably pretty unhealthy.

But that is what I will have (soon to be) rest from for a few sparing hours while I’m unconscious. This sounds wordy, grrr. I mean to say that soon I’ll be asleep and so I won’t have to waddle in this insecurity and doom for at least 12 hours, huzzah.

I wish I knew more of why certain posts accumulate more views, more attention, more notice than others. But the truth is, I don’t know. I have no freakin’ clue. I don’t know why some things are more popular on my channel. I don’t know why some of my content is seen more than others. (Didn’t I already say that? The tiredness of my brain muddles the intensity to which I wish to speak these words–blurring, blurring altogether) I don’t know who is out there watching or lurking or will eventually speak. I’m not sure I like Just Waiting To Be Noticed. Waiting to Be Seen. Waiting to Be Heard. It feels like other people had it easier in the past, with the way Youtube worked. It feels like it’ll always be this quiet. This soft. This alone.

What am I searching for online that I don’t believe I’m receiving in real life?

I don’t know.

But again I create and I share and I post and I guess, the truth of the matter is this, no matter how much it sucks:

It takes time.

Time to be seen. Time to be heard. Time to be noticed.

And maybe collabs help. Maybe.

Maybe not lurking and commenting and posting helps (likely so).

Maybe shouting out others or trying to garner some positive and healthy attention is the way to go. At least, for my own values and persistence.

Maybe just keeping at it no matter the views or the numbers or the silence is all that truly matters.

Β 

It doesn’t mean it’s not exhausting. It doesn’t mean it’s not hard. But everyone started out small. Everyone faces that question: what is it that makes my stuff more (or less) popular than someone else’s? And just flowing with The Void itself, and finding and appreciating gratitude and the amazingness of coming this far because it truly, truly is amazing and SUCH a gift that maybe some people out there never fully realize.

Growing an audience is hard. So when you do grow it, and you do nurture it, and you do plant it and you get people behind you to support you and at times, yes, criticize you, hold onto that and hold it proudly and with devotion. Because some of us out there in The Void can only ever dream of one day having that too. We don’t always know why we don’t get it, we don’t receive it, so if you have it: Please, hold it close. Be comforted by it. And if you have any tips for the rest of us out here in The Void, share them. Because we know if you could do it, we can too, it’s just really hard, it makes us feel alone and like it’ll never come to be for us too. It makes the darkness feel like it’ll last forever. And just that shimmer of sunlight, that little star out there still twinkling, reminds us, too, that it takes time and we can still shine bright and we can still one day be wished upon and we can still one day matter in all our glory and in all our pain.

So keep shining that light. Because we’re out there, in The Void, in the raging sea, and we need your Light and your Guidance to pull us through the other side.

Β 

On behalf of all those who don’t yet feel seen or heard,

Let me guide my light out to you, too, and let you know:

You are not alone.

People care about you.

Your voice is important.

Your story matters.

Better days will come.

No matter how long the night, the sun will always rise.

Stay safe, my Readers.

xxx

πŸŒˆπŸŒžπŸŒ β˜”πŸ’›πŸ’›πŸ’›

Written with no background music, amazingly enough, 4/12/22 (10:45p EST)

Just a Temporary Post

Hi hi!

Besides being sweaty right now and feeling far too hot, I’m doing rather well! I have to go brush my teeth because I just ate some mini Heath bars and they are soooo sugary, gwah!!

I’m jumping on here just to make a super quick, fast post and then I’m gonna challenge myself to take just 20 mins to read a book, my current graphic novel I’m calling IYF because that’s the abbreviations of its name, and then I’m going to go to bed and fall asleep. I’ll probably have to take a melatonin to help with sleep because I didn’t last night and didn’t fall asleep until 1a!! 😱😨 I napped for only an hour or so today which, hell, I’ll take.

Gah, so hot. Tomorrow I really want to spend some time blogging a more standard post, edit a couple of videos, upload a video and film one for what will later be released next Tuesday. I also want to read for a couple of hours or at least one and shave my legs and take another shower. I also want to do the dishes as a chore and maybe go out and shop a little tiny bit. I also want to continue to answer my social media and phone texting messages, as that’s important to me and either engage in some adult coloring, creative writing fanfics version or even some work based creative writing and preparing for the weekend ahead with work. (Leadership, leading routine and things to that effect)

I am taking up a morning shift on Wed next week so that should be interesting. It’ll only be two kids plus it’s a school day so it shouldn’t be too bad and if anything probably uneventful. It will be interesting to see how it’s run (first shift) on a school day and I’ll get to work with someone I’ve only met before in trainings so that’s nice.

But yeah, my dating friend is back home now and we spoke today so that was lovely! I also watched Station 19 and Grey’s Anatomy tonight, hooray. Well, I should go. I need a fan like DESPERATELY. Ahaha I got like EIGHT bug bites last night when I forgo my shirt sooooo that was FUN to wake up to this morning, haaah, not.

Any who, I hope you guys are well. I will be shutting down my laptop for the day and getting on top of a few other things soon after.

May we all sleep well and keep on creating and making fun things that this life has to offer!

Stay safe!!

xxx

πŸ’œπŸ’šπŸ’›

In Life, It Goeth


It’s interesting, don’t you think, how humans adapt to change? Adapt to the adaptability of life because if anything is constant in this human life it’s the fact that everything changes. Nothing quite stays the same, if you really think about it and let the thought digest slowly in your gut. Every new experience is novel and fresh, and if anything is staying the same maybe it’s the mindset we’re looking through into the world with.

Hmm, it’s interesting.

But that’s not quite what this post will be about.

It’s another night at 10p where I’m calling it upon myself to blog. I swear, I dream of myself doing it far sooner in the day, but time it… escapes me.

However, I continued to work on some notes for a new video series I’m going to be doing!! I forget how much I mentioned it on here, but June is scoliosis awareness month–if you happened to be around when I first made a blog post about my experiences with scoliosis back in June 2016 (right at the start of my blogging here) [[I should link it but maybe I will tomorrow, right now I don’t feel like it ahaha]]–then you’ll know a bit of my story already, though, to be honest, I DON’T remember it all that much ahaha

Regardless, I’ve decided I’m going to film twelve videos in a series I am calling:

“Shaped by the Curve: One Story Through Scoliosis Series”

My channel’s playlists (currently this one is unavailable since I haven’t uploaded to it yet)

I will be aiming for two video uploads per week for the entire month of June, tentatively my uploading days will be Tuesday’s and Friday’s. I have a whole list written out of what I’d like each video to be about and I filmed the intro video today and the third entry today.

I also, I think I mentioned this before, I got myself a cheap ring light and it’s been super fun to try out and film with and be on Zoom calls with!!! I’m really quite happy about it. It was cheap (originally $22 but on sale for $17) from TJ Maxx but hey, we all gotta start somewhere, right? I’ve also been happily editing a video where my new software allows me to enhance the lighting and the perfection of it is just… *chef’s kiss*

Oh, I got distracted again. I have 10 mins to post this now while it’s still Wed. Gah.

But yeah, I’m going to be doing some scoliosis awareness videos for the month of June on my channel!! And I was able to go to a support group for OCD tonight, answer some social messages, craft a few others, respond to an email or two, have an ERP and managed through it and the like. I’m pretty tired so I’m heading to sleep now. Just trying to network a little here and there on Youtube. I’m hoping to have a video edited soon and more to come!! Sorry this got so rushed gwah. Take care everyone!!

Watching Episodes and Filming Videos (& Missing You)

Hi again.

It’s me.

Hello from the outside.

Today’s post is going to be pretty brief, just an update of sorts and then me diving into some of my feelings regarding my statuses across multiple website accounts. So, basically some woe is me, complaining time type of shit.

So, hi, hello, how are you?

I’ve used the above thumb again here because it’s been dawning on me more and more as I babble aloud to the world of the Internet that maybe there’s not many people, or any people, out there reading it. At the same time, I KNOW that there is, based on the likes I get or interactions I get sometimes. It’s just a habit of my all or nothing thinking kicking in again, for sure. It’s just hard though because especially because of the pandemic I’m craving more social interaction and I’m looking for that online (good or bad) for someone to talk to and even when I DO get messages if they’re too long or too frequent it freaks me out and I’m not sure how to handle it. Sigh.

So yeah, I know there are some people out there who are reading or seeing or digesting my words.

But without the communication back and forth it feels like nothing. No one.

And it’s hard to struggle and grapple with this.

It wasn’t always like this. When I first began there were so many new friends and great bloggers. But 2017 took a hit. Then 2018 very much did. Then I was at a day program three times a week for over 2.5 years and that was enough mental health stuff to hold me over that I didn’t need to seek it online or through this blog. So my posts diminished and I faded away for a bit.

And now that I’m so much better and so much stronger and stable and good…. and wanting to come back, it’s just different. There’s not all the same people and the people who were there have moved on or lost their logins or something, who knows. It just sucks. I miss them. And it’s hard to miss them because all these feelings come up and I don’t like to feel my feelings, so it’s hard. It’s just hard.

So again on yet another website I feel…. abandoned. Lost in the grain of the wheat. Lost in the sea. Alone.

And family stuff is rocky right now too.

And my dating friend is in the hospital. And work was a helluva 10 hour day yesterday. And while Grey’s Anatomy episodes make the pain fade a bit, it IS still there, like my therapist said, when it comes back again. I guess, I guess I just have to feel it for a moment. I’ll listen to my favorite song “this is what self-destruction feels like” by Marina Lin. It’s a fabulously moving (emotionally) song and really helps to clarify the feels.

I filmed a video-two actually today. A haul video with a small rant and then a very, very short and odd life update. I basically ran out of things to say, surprisingly enough. I did a good spit-fire of it in the last 5 mins so that was interesting. I was a bit more goofy in my haul video actually ahaha. That’s what happens when I don’t film videos for a long while. πŸ˜‰

I was having some physical pains today. Stomach aches and headaches (the headache is back, ugh). I managed through it all right. I did have therapy today and my COVID test. My Mom and I went out after and it was interesting to say the least. The most action and adrenaline I’ll get in my life (like the 5 min countdowns in movies before the world explodes) will be traveling with my gas light on and seeing if I’ll make it to a gas station before I run out of fuel. Not exactly the BEST of options but it’s kinda funny. πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜…

It was nice to film a little today though. I was really surprised that I didn’t have much more direction or things to say in the life update video because I had plenty to say in the haul. It was quite odd. I basically didn’t want to get into everything else, I guess. I also knew I would and could have this space later on to do so though too.

My plan, as I touched on in my video, is that to combat this Void, I’ll keep networking, reading others’ posts and commenting on them. Some of it is self-serving of course but I know that I genuinely want to and getting myself out there more and networking is the best way to overcome the adversity of lacking in interaction. Also, practicing gratitude for what I DO have will also be key. So I’m going to work on that. Maybe I can brainstorm some ideas how to accomplish this tomorrow and also do research on types of phones I can upgrade to because mine is crapping out on me. I really have to do that, actually.

I also would LOVE to actually read a book because it’s been a solid week and I STILL haven’t done so, and I really, really need to. Oooof, there’s so much to do, honestly. Maybe I’ll square out a couple of minutes tonight, even just to dip my toes back in. I have to put away my meal.

I am listening to other music now and I got a pretty good friction burn on the bottom of my palm from an intense game of capture the flag last night (my legs are killing me for doing it too). But that’s a story for another day.

Well, I think this is all I’m going to say for now. I do want to celebrate soon (this week) my milestone of reaching 500 posts!! That’s AWESOME. I will also be celebrating a late Twitter birthday (Apr. 27th if I remember right) and my blog’s birthday this month as well! Yay! Maybe I’ll do a fun tag tomorrow. Ooo, I know a couple of people I could talk to about that, actually.

So yeah, if you’re like me and you feel like the Internet can be part of The Void for you, what have you done to help yourself out of that rut? Do you have any tips or suggestions? Ideas of improvement? I think part of the issue is I have to reclaim what my blog is about and what niche it falls into and accept (and even write about this honestly) that where my blog was back in 2016 isn’t where it is today and being okay with that and then moving on forwards from there. I think that would be really great. I’ve already brainstormed this a little bit. Yeah, I like that idea.

But yes, what has worked for you and what would help you for me to focus on certain things on this blog? Would anyone be interested in guest posting here? Or do you have business ideas or networking opportunities that you’re aware of or that you hold? And what keeps you going in the blogosphere?

I’ll see you all tomorrow.

Best of luck and many wishes we find each other soon in this big, big world and can communicate and become friends.

PS I plan to try crochet tomorrow, wish me luck!!

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