When You’re Tired and You Start One Project, to Stop and Start Another One.


That is the struggle, right? Being so tired that your attention span is such a fickle creature as you start one thing, stop doing that one thing, start another thing and then work back and forth in that process for a while.

Tis what I’m dealing with right this moment. I thought I could write up a quick little blog post while my brain is sliding back and forth on the floorboards as partially a life update (I really only chose this thumb because I didn’t feel up to finding the Journaling one which is really the one I wanted, I’m far too tired for that level of jumping through hoops, and it may be reflecting even in and of itself in this post as well, bleh) and something else that I just forgot.

Regardless, I found myself stuck in the position where I’m just trying to make the hours go by faster so I can eventually just arguably justifiably crawl into bed and under the covers and just hit snooze until about 9a tomorrow morning. I’d like that that. Mmm, sleep.

I also find myself stuck where I’d love to do some creative writing for fan fiction but I’m too far behind in rereading fanfics to appropriately and properly give them the time and the voice and the re-immersion factor into actually working on them respectfully and fully.

I don’t think that makes any sense…. What I’m trying to say is that I started another project only to realize it could fit well into my D&D fanfic (I had the image in my mind that it was Loki and Tony Stark talking after all–speaking of, this evening was the first time I really explored my Twitter timeline *I’ve been avoiding it because Loki series spoilers* and while it was pretty great, it DID have some spoiler-rich content so I’ll be back to avoiding altogether again soon, but what I did encounter gave me some writing vibes) so I wrote in a blank document a scene and it’s essentially a future unknown chapter number for my D&D fic and so it’s the first real time I’ve written a chapter out of order. It’s still pretty rough around the edges but I’m happy with it.

I’m also tired.

I’m also listening to music–loudly, by the way, but music helps to wake me up. Or sleep, sometimes. Sometimes sleep.

Oooo, a nice new song has come on. Yay.

God, I’m so tired.

But I did some networking online today. I had a long day at work, physically exhausting. But it’s over now, hooray. And I decently edited a video, not finished, but I started it so that counts. And then I did some creative writing. And now I’m blogging.

I have been blogging behind the scenes too, I’d like to mention. I’ve been working on a graphic novel book review/book exploration station thingy. I worked on that Fri and well, Fri. Maybe Th too. But I haven’t further.

Actually, I wanted to talk about that–my library has opened up so now you can browse AND sit inside for a bit, no time limit and you just have to wear your mask. So, yay. I’m planning to stop by tomorrow. Ideally, I’ll finish my review and then the book will be checked in at that time and I’ll pay off the last dues and then no longer be blocked, hooray! I have a nonfic book I’m working on now. I did a little reading yesterday evening even.

But yeah, I’ am sooooo so exhausted.

I think it’s time for sleep.

I’m going to go to sleep.

Goo night.

I’d fix the typos but, eh, too sleepy.

I’ll see you guys more later this week.

Bye. xx

PS I took off on a break from Youtube last week so I’m gonna be cranking out some videos this week. All right I’m losing to my falling eyelids. See ya.

PPS We should be soon celebrating hitting 16,000 views. Amongst other things to celebrate belatedly. Also also also, I think I’m in love and that’s special. I can’t wait to work on more art projects soon. Okay sleep now. Yes. Seep.

Small Disappointments

Hi there.

It’s been a while.

I wound up taking the weekend off for blog posts or really going onto my computer officially. I tried the shift on Sun with the three year old but it didn’t totally work out super well so I wound up switching out with another co-worker while I spent the rest of the time in the main cottage. I tried to pull my weight more though by doing the dishes after lunch and then doing some of the logs. It was definitely overwhelming and tough though and I could write a whole novel on just when, how and where and why buuuut I’m just doing this short post for today then brushing my teeth, filling out my planner and going to sleep.

Tomorrow we have Clinicals and they’ll be in person so I have to leave before 1p from my house. That should be fine, get paid for a couple of hours or so. ๐Ÿ™‚

Then on Wed I will have my first shift there where it’ll be me and another co-worker and then just two kids. I’m a little nervous for this too because I’m not sure if lunch is done up in the cafeteria, what the schedule would be like for the two kids left behind rather than in school (like even just setting up laptops and helping them with their schoolwork) and little things like that but I guess I’ll find out soon enough. ๐Ÿ˜›

I’m gonna have to go to sleep by 9p tomorrow night though so there’s that. Little nervous on that, too. For now, I am going to bed by about 11p. I actually did fall asleep today during the day so I lost a couple hours that way. I also managed to edit a couple of videos and I uploaded a new one to my channel and now I’m going to be uploading my first video for scoliosis awareness month tomorrow, which I’m excited about!!!

I am pretty tired now though so I think I’ll hop off for now. I wasn’t going to make a post but then I decided I could take the 5 mins to do so. I’ve also just been disappointed in how much I did today vs what I could have done and looking again through Athena’s stuff and becoming anxious from having to edit through the final video cut for tomorrow and then regrettably pulling a lot of my right eyebrow. So, that sucks.

But it is what it is.

Any who, how are you guys doing? Anything you’ve managed to accomplish today or goals you have for the week ahead?

Let me know.

Sending light and love.

๐Ÿ’œ๐ŸŒž๐ŸŒˆโ˜”

PS This also doesn’t cover the disappointments for what I wanted to achieve and manage for this month’s mental health awareness stuff so stay tuned for some post-May related content about that in the future. I mean, I guess it’s okay but yeah. That just sucks too.

In Life, It Goeth


It’s interesting, don’t you think, how humans adapt to change? Adapt to the adaptability of life because if anything is constant in this human life it’s the fact that everything changes. Nothing quite stays the same, if you really think about it and let the thought digest slowly in your gut. Every new experience is novel and fresh, and if anything is staying the same maybe it’s the mindset we’re looking through into the world with.

Hmm, it’s interesting.

But that’s not quite what this post will be about.

It’s another night at 10p where I’m calling it upon myself to blog. I swear, I dream of myself doing it far sooner in the day, but time it… escapes me.

However, I continued to work on some notes for a new video series I’m going to be doing!! I forget how much I mentioned it on here, but June is scoliosis awareness month–if you happened to be around when I first made a blog post about my experiences with scoliosis back in June 2016 (right at the start of my blogging here) [[I should link it but maybe I will tomorrow, right now I don’t feel like it ahaha]]–then you’ll know a bit of my story already, though, to be honest, I DON’T remember it all that much ahaha

Regardless, I’ve decided I’m going to film twelve videos in a series I am calling:

“Shaped by the Curve: One Story Through Scoliosis Series”

My channel’s playlists (currently this one is unavailable since I haven’t uploaded to it yet)

I will be aiming for two video uploads per week for the entire month of June, tentatively my uploading days will be Tuesday’s and Friday’s. I have a whole list written out of what I’d like each video to be about and I filmed the intro video today and the third entry today.

I also, I think I mentioned this before, I got myself a cheap ring light and it’s been super fun to try out and film with and be on Zoom calls with!!! I’m really quite happy about it. It was cheap (originally $22 but on sale for $17) from TJ Maxx but hey, we all gotta start somewhere, right? I’ve also been happily editing a video where my new software allows me to enhance the lighting and the perfection of it is just… *chef’s kiss*

Oh, I got distracted again. I have 10 mins to post this now while it’s still Wed. Gah.

But yeah, I’m going to be doing some scoliosis awareness videos for the month of June on my channel!! And I was able to go to a support group for OCD tonight, answer some social messages, craft a few others, respond to an email or two, have an ERP and managed through it and the like. I’m pretty tired so I’m heading to sleep now. Just trying to network a little here and there on Youtube. I’m hoping to have a video edited soon and more to come!! Sorry this got so rushed gwah. Take care everyone!!

I Forgot…

Ooops, I forgot to write a blog post for today and I’m so, so, so tired now after falling down a tiny rabbit hole on Youtube (but I networked successfully, whoooo) that whatever I was going to write before is being scrapped for today and instead you’re going to get this very tiny post.

I’m so exhausted, I swear.

I’m trying to do more right by myself by brushing my teeth more often and it’s going pretty good so far. I was able to sit outside with Mokeys today and do some reading of my current book which is a graphic novel by the abbreviated name of IYF. I also edited a video, uploaded a new video and watched over my next Get to Know Me video, at least the raw footage, because soon I’ll be editing that and probably uploading it soon after (I’m hoping for next week).

I also wanted to watch an MCU movie today but by 8p when I was done with dinner I wasn’t feeling up to it and now I’m so exhausted and it’s late.

I fell asleep during the early afternoon today on accident as I put on my eye mask to stop myself from pulling. Oops. But yeah, just so tired now.

Well, I think that’s it for now. I’ll be working on some blog posts tomorrow and Friday again. Check out my latest video–I updated my channel description info (maybe more on that tomorrow) and enjoy yourselves and I’ll see you all tomorrow!!

xxx

๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿงก

Upcoming News & Updates | #selfcarestrategies

Throwing it back to an old thumb, created probs about 3 or 4 years ago. โค

Hi there!!

This part was written May 18th 2021, from about 12:30p & 12:45pm.


Hi again.

If I don’t get myself to do this post, then I’ll wind up missing yet another day so here’s what I have to say via bullet points:

  • The NAMI Walks Your Way 2021 Walk Day is THIS upcoming Sat, May 22nd. I will be working in the morning but I may swing by and do a live stream at the end of the week on my Youtube channel or I’ll just do something artsy and fun on the day of, maybe even a live stream later that evening.
  • IF you’d like to donate to my page, that I never properly set up and kept saying I was going to do but then just never did, all the money will NOT go to me, I won’t see a lick of it, but it will go directly towards NAMI. IF you wish to donate on my page or to my team more generally or to someone else entirely, here’s the link to do so.
  • My Sat and Sun shifts went super well! I just fell asleep early Sat before I could blog and Sun I think fell along the same lines and I was trying to work towards a post but then I was pulling so I put myself to bed instead, but that was even late at like 11p or 12a.
  • I’ve been awake today since 6:45am which is SUPER rare, especially since I didn’t sleep via a nap today. It’s 10:30p to put things in perspective at the moment. I AM exhausted so I can’t wait to go to sleep soon.
  • My library overdue/post due fees from a farther away library went down from $224 to $75 and I’m SUPER happy and proud about that. I still have 3 nonfics I have to read and then 4 novels from my most recent (in the last two months) run at the library there. I’m excited though.
  • If only I could actually make and stick to the time I’d like to set aside to just read. If tomorrow is nice, I’ll make myself go outside to read with my new hat on and my rockin’ new sunglasses
  • I went out for a run/jog today. It was nice. Very sweaty, VERY much so and I couldn’t hold up a stamina but I tried and I did it for 20 mins and it did release some endorphins which took my mind away from the bad tooth pains I’ve been having increasingly so now.
  • I’m hoping that my teeth issues aren’t as severe as I think they are. My worst fear would be getting another molar extracted, and my appointment for the dentist isn’t until mid-June, so that’s…. horrifying. I’m trying to keep positive and also break down my all or nothing thinking and really try and aim for a better dental hygiene type of relationship. Even if it’s just dry brushing at night, it would be a big help!!
  • I’ve been really pretty great at answering messages online both today and yesterday, Monday, so I’m pretty proud about that. It kept me on my toes.
  • I haven’t heard from my dating friend and I’m low-key worried yet I’m trying to reason with myself that I can’t know what’s going on since they’re in the hospital and I can just hope that they’re okay and maybe send out a text to them that I know they won’t see until much later. I’m definitely just concerned because it’s been radio silence. I’m afraid that the relationship attempt in the romance avenue may be drifted aside because of how much they’re still struggling and that the romance ‘expectations’ may be too much and they maybe can’t handle that on top of everything else (which I wouldn’t fault my dating friend for!!) It’s definitely an ‘I can only wait and see’ kind of thing. I’m trying to practice some radical acceptance and sit with the uncertainty the best I can.
  • I put up my video on Sat! I stayed true to my boundary and didn’t look at it thoroughly until Mon, and didn’t promote it on Twitter until then either. I just got a comment on it today which was mildly terrifying but it was totally okay!! Here it is down below in case you want to see it, too.

  • Did I mention my teeth are really bothering me? Ugh and eoooff.
  • I could say a lot more–like how I want to blog some tags this week and hauls and continue editing some videos to upload this week as well but I’m literally falling asleep sitting up so I have to go for now.

Thank you so much for reading and I’ll see you all tomorrow.

XXX

This section was written 15 mins from 10:30p-10:45p

Doing Something Terrifying | #TrueMentalHealthAdvocate

Hi there.

This, once again, is not the post I was planning for today, but I’m making amends and just going with what I can.

I am doing something incredibly terrifying for today, tomorrow and Saturday. I’m making a “call out” video where I denounce someone who was once a part of and representative of the mental health community online who has done some horrible and inappropriate things and for which I can no longer remain silent about on my channel. I had done a collab with them in the past and after I watched a recent video from someone they threatened physical harm to, I am putting down my mask and my comfort level and going forward with something that’s important and that I firmly believe in.

I filmed the footage today and I’m still drowning in the panic of it and whether it will either hit the wall and nothing will happen or it will get big and the conflict that that arises in me if this is how I’m “discovered” online because of some outspoken talking that’s super uncharacteristic of me.

I’m terrified, to be honest and I hope that I can manage any backlash that may result and just keep my head afloat the best way that I can. I am planning to edit tomorrow all of the footage, I’ve made the thumbnail and created this tag above in the tag. It kinda works anyway because I was going to be doing a mental health advocate tag on this blog but I’m pushing it off to do next week instead. This is mental health awareness month and we have to speak out on abuse and inappropriate actions and holding each other accountable because it is unfair and damaging to the foundations upon which we’ve built our lives and voices in supporting one another’s recovery and not falling into the misshapen pieces the media likes to make of us living with mental health conditions that we are “dangerous” and “a threat to others.”

So, join me, I suppose or rally against me, either way it is what it is. I’m planning to schedule the video for a release on Saturday. I could do Sunday but I’m pretty sure I’d rather get it over with on Sat. Either it goes big or it goes nowhere. I’m not sure which and that’s frightening as all hell.

I am going to upload while I am at work so I can minimize some of the damage to my email and forcing myself to have time to not think about it, not look at it, not ponder it and just breathe in deep and remember it’s not the end of the world and I’ll manage and get through it somehow. Sometimes you just have to speak your truth, no matter how hard and scary it is.

No one knows in my life that I’m doing this but it’s what I think is right even if it opens me up to a lot of ridicule and misuse. I still may think that I shouldn’t do it and whatnot and have to live in that uncertainty. Hopefully if there’s any feedback it won’t be on Sat when I have to go to work again the next day, but maybe that will also be better too (I can keep my mind busy).

Okay, that is all.

I’m going to sleep now. I’ll pop in again tomorrow. Good night!

xxx

๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿค๐Ÿค

Where I’m At: Life Update | #mhblogger


I was kinda thinking of doing a different post before I went to eat dinner but now I don’t feel like writing that one, either. So, I’ll just talk about life and what’s been going on with me and then set off to be offline for about an hour before I go to sleep because I would love to spend some time reading a little, even if it’s just for a few minutes! ๐Ÿ˜Š

So, what’s been going on?

I’ve been uploading some videos to my channel! I really do want to comment and network more on Youtube but I keep just lurking or getting intimidated or disinterested in certain videos. If you happen to be a blogger on Youtube into video-making, hit me up and we can support one another there and through here! I’d love to have a few projects or items on my list where I have to or expect to interact with as this will provide me a great deal of accountability and I’ll come out of the shadows for once in my life yet again ahaha. Right now it’s just easier to lurk but I know that getting and putting myself out there is what really counts. It’s just hard.

I’m really stuck and stagnant in my recovery in general right now too. I keep hitting the same brick wall and doing the same behaviors that aren’t helping me (avoidance) but I’m not sure if I’m ready to change or if I have it in me right now to change or whether or not that will be such a good thing. I mean, I guess, I’m not sure if I’m ready yet and maybe that’s okay that I can be aware of it and have my hesitancy of going forwards or just remaining still for a little while. I’m not sure. It’s all so complicated and I’m tired. I’m tired of always having to work on myself, I’d like a break for a while. Maybe that can be okay too. That the pause isn’t forever, it’s just temporary. Hmm…

I helped my Mom revitalize a bookshelf down downstairs today. So I got rid of the 5 or 6 piles of books that I own from their place on my bedroom floor into two of the shelves instead. I will have to reorganize it a little for what’s left but that’s been pretty good.

I really just want to read a book right now, it seems. But I am also quite tired in general so maybe I will try to sleep before 11p.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow that I’m actually looking forward to. I’ve spoken about it in therapy today and my psychiatry appointment on Mon so it’ll be nice to hopefully get some answers and a guide forwards for uncovering medical issues and running tests and such.

Additionally, I took a shower today and had a great massage! I just started my period yesterday though and some of its mess got through my underwear and onto the blanket today while I was there and I was aghast for sure! It’s never happened like that before but luckily my massage therapist is a female anyways and she was super understanding. ๐Ÿ˜€

My dating friend had to go back to the hospital today. There’s really not much I can do about that or even feel about it, I just hope that they’ll get the help that they need. And that I will have to hold onto hope and faith that they’ll be okay and when they get out is when they get out. I want what’s best for them of course and I hope they go into a better hospitalization than this past one. I hope that they can find healing and peace very soon, and I know we’re in different spots of our recoveries as well, so this is somewhat comforting. It sucks but the truth is that love is sometimes not enough for those on the warpath of self-destruction. It’s a familiar fight, sure, and I know my dating friend will get better. We’re just at different spots. (And I still admire and look to the fact that they’re interested in dating as a remarkable sign of strength. It’s something I wouldn’t have been able to do way back when). Mmm.

I have a presentation tomorrow afternoon that I honestly keep forgetting about. That will be interesting. I should probably send out an email about that real quick, actually….

My knee is very sore and achy from having it in a stiffened position most of today. Ooof.

As for the next video I’m editing, it’s going to be my introduction to a ‘Healthier Living: The Path of Weight Gain and Pro-Recovery’ or something along those lines. That will be nice and I really look forward to editing it and then uploading it, probably next week. I have to pick it back up again too for the whole filming process, but that will be nice. I look forward to that tomorrow. ๐Ÿ’š

Lastly, actually, I think that’s all that I’ll share for now. I really do want to crack open a book, maybe watch a video or two more and then get myself to sleep because my doctor’s appointment is early tomorrow morning (like 10a ahaha). Feel free to mention in the comments how you are doing and what new artsy creations you’ve managed over the past week. And let’s try and support one another in those endeavors and lift each other up. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜š Thank you so much for reading.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

xxx

๐Ÿค๐Ÿค๐Ÿค๐Ÿค

PS There is of course more I could say regarding my physical health but I don’t feel the need to go into it right now. Also, I’ve decided today that I’ll be doing 2x/week videos in June about my experiences and info regarding scoliosis and then ending the month with my body positivity video, so I’m really excited about that going forwards!

#SummerComer #PoetryChallenge Entry #5: Rooted in Recuperation| [LATE POST]


Hi again!

I apologize for the lack of posting on here the last two weeks and not getting up a proper post explaining myself even now. I’ve been trying to write a post called “Off the Map” to explain my absence and what I’ve been up to (including a mini haul) but it just sat open in a tab on my laptop for an entire week and I couldn’t bring myself the motivation or inspiration or attention span to properly write it, edit it and then upload it. So, here we are.

I also forgot about this weekly poetry challenge until I remembered it going into work on Saturday which was particularly disorienting and unfair. I was able to write THIS post during my shift but I definitely would have preferred to have done it earlier in the week and not have missed an entire week’s worth of content.

But alas, here it is…. I hope you enjoy it as it was a bit of a vent piece with some of my emotions and also a creative endeavor towards the middle and end. Also, here are the rules for this challenge REAL quick:


What are the RULES?

This is the late fifth entry in my #SummerComer #PoetryChallenge launching from the end of May 2020 to the beginning of September 2020. More rules include:

  • each post begins with the thumb above
  • each poem will be individually titled and labeled by the entry number in both the piece itself (at the end) and in the title
  • each post will include any background music used to โ€œset the moodโ€ which will be listed at the end of the entry
  • each poem loosely exists within the context of summer but is not strictly limited in constructing that imagery. I.e. itโ€™s a summer project but may venture outside of that topic/theme-wise. ๐Ÿ™‚
  • the goal: one poem each week from the end of May to the start of September under the hashtag: #SummerComer

Let me know down below in a comment or on my other social media what you thought of this poem and its message!! Or if you’d like to see a particular theme, prompt or character name/location, leave that in the comments too! I will soon be writing up the post and scheduling it for tomorrow for the sixth week of Summer Comer (which I just wrote freshly a few moments ago). Also if you want to see the 4th week’s entry: here it is.

Thank you so much for reading and see down below for both the poem and any notes regarding it. I plan to be blogging again soon and giving you guys a proper update on my life and the happenings going on behind the scenes. Check out my Youtube channel if you want to see what I’m getting up to these past two weeks of immense creativity!! Sending you all the best. xxx


Rooted in Recuperation

basked in

the aftermath,

he follows

ย 

his spirit

trodden

and his psyche

unraveling

ย 

with resignation

he sighs:

ย 

it had been a long day.

ย 

and he grew tired.

sometimes it was just

how he had awaken

and other times from

precipitating events.

ย 

today he had grown older,

but feeling none the wiser.

ย 

it happened,

like this,

sometimes.

ย 

all he could do

was muster up

his strength

and burrow hope

deep within his bones,

treating himself like the

large, deep oak treeโ€™s roots

that had planted itself

into his memories

as a young child.

ย 

oh, how he had climbed

its branches–

clambering over the bark,

sneakers losing grip

and trails of the treeโ€™s flesh

skidding off and onto his

caramel skin.

ย 

he had loved that tree—

loved it more than his own

dysfunctional family.

ย 

but thatโ€™s what they were

at the end of the day:

family.

ย 

family had its misgivings,

family had its problems

and his had had a few share

of them,

but in the end

he loved them

he had grown with them

and they had learned

to do the same for him.

ย 

so as he sat

on the edge of

his white mattress,

the covers stripped away

as if he had been

shielding himself from

the dark tendrils

of the world,

he closed his eyes

and the sky that laid behind them.

they filled with pain and

a nagging sense of wonder,

a plethora of encouragement

and a passion

so deep that he wanted–

needed–

to try again tomorrow.

it curled into him tightly,

snuggling into his shoulders

and breathing a new sense of

purpose to his lungs.

so much so that

when the moon fell from

the sky and the sun

rose again,

he tried and tried all over

restarting from where he was

until one day,

he was certain of it,

heโ€™d make things right.

Technical aspects of the poem:

Written and Edited: 6/20/2020


About the Poem itself: This poem, as I mentioned earlier, happened on my Saturday work shift when I was having an extremely off day and things were weighing on me heavily. I wrote this between hygiene time and when I was on the other side of the cottage at the end of the night, trying to edit it down to make more sense. I used a different narrator and had some creative spells with it so I hope it’s nice and I hope that you managed to enjoy it in some manner! Just like anything else, I too shall rise. Hopefully tomorrow’s shift is even better! ๐Ÿ™‚

Thank you so much for reading.

I’ll be writing up the post for this week’s poem soon.

Stay safe. xxx โค โค โค